I felt dretful and how I wuz goin' to break it up and git his mind off I
couldn't tell; I talked it over with the children. They wuz goin' to be
mortified to death by the idee if carried out and they told me in
confidence and the woodhouse kitchen, "It must be stopped!"
And I sez, "How is it goin' to be stopped? I've handled every weepon I
know how to lay holt on. I've pompied him, cooked the very best of
vittles, argued with him, eppisoded, but all to no use, he's as sot as a
hen turkey on a brick bat, and I've got to the end of my chain."
Sez Tirzah Ann, "Have you tried readin' historical novels to him?"
"No," sez I, "I don't dast to be _too_ hash with him, your pa's health
hain't what it wuz, I dassent take too hash measures."
Sez she, "Have you tried readin' poetry?"
"Yes," sez I, "I have read Pollock's Course of Time most through to him,
and the biggest heft of 'Paradise Lost,' and I read the last named with
deep feelin', I can tell you."
"Didn't it do any good?"
"Not a mite," sez I. "He would choke me off in the soarinest passages to
boast about some crazy side-show at his Exposition."
Tirzah Ann sithed and sez, "I don't know what can be done."
Thomas J. is more practical and sez, "Can't you git his mind on some
work? Hain't there sunthin' that ort to be done round the farm? Or in
the house?"
"Id'no," sez I. "He can't plow or reap in February or pick gooseberries
or wash sheep. But I know what ort to be done in the house, I tried my
best to git him at it in the fall, I do want a furnace and hot water
pipes put in to heat the house. We most freeze these cold days, and it
is too much for your pa when Ury is away to tend to the fires."
"That's just the thing!" sez Thomas J., "get him interested in that and
he will forgit all about the Allen Exposition by the time it is done."
But I sez in a discouraged way, "If I couldn't git him at it in the fall
Id'no how I'm goin' to now."
"But it is worth tryin'," sez Thomas J., "for his scheme must be broke
up, and if you git your furnace in now it will be all ready for another
fall."
"Well," sez I, "I can try." And so I begun that very night on a new
tact, or ruther the old tact in a new way, I told him how sot Thomas J.
wuz on our havin' a furnace and hot water pipes put in.
Josiah thinks his eyes of his only son, and I see it kinder moved him,
but he wouldn't give his consent, and sez:
"What do you want hot water pipes and a furnace for in the summer?"
Sez I pintin' to the snowy fields, "Do you call this summer, Josiah? And
Thomas J. sez it will be so nice to have it all ready in the fall. And I
do wish, Josiah, you would hear to me."
"Well, well, I am hearin' you, hain't I, and been hearin' for a year
back, I hain't deef as an adder!" And he jammed his hat down over his
ears and went to the barn. But there wuz a sort of a waverin' expression
to his linement that made me have hopes.
Well, when I had, with the children's help and an enormous expenditure
of good vittles and eloquence, brought him round to the idee, I found I
had another trial worse than the first to contend with. Instead of
hirin' a first rate workman who knew his bizness, he wuz bound, on
account of cheapness, to hire a conceited creeter who thought he could
do anything better than anyone else could.
He knew how to milk, Jabez Wind did, and how to clean stables, and
plough and hoe corn. But he felt he could do plumbin' better than them
who had handled plumbs for years. And when I see Josiah wuz sot on
hirin' him to do the job I felt dretful, for he wuz no more fit for it
than our brindle cow to do fine sewin', or our old steer to give music
lessons on the banjo. He wuz a creeter I never liked, always tryin' to
invent sunthin' and always failin. But Josiah insisted on havin' him
because he wuz so much cheaper.
And I sez, "You'll sup sorrow yet, Josiah Allen, with your tendency to
save and scrimp. Jabez Wind don't know nothin' about such work; he
hain't got any shop or tools and I don't want him meddlin' round my
house. We want the rooms warmed good and we don't want a big noise and
racket, as I've hearn they make sometimes, I couldn't stand it with such
noise and cracklin' goin' on day and night."
"Oh," sez Josiah, "that's one great beauty of Jabezeses invention, it is
perfectly noiseless, not a murmur or gurgle from one year's end to the
other, and so easy to tend. Jest twice a year, he sez, to put a pail of
water in the upper tank, two pails of water a year to insure summer
warmth, no dirt, no noise, not much like luggin' in wood from mornin'
till night, breakin' your back cuttin' and splittin' it and litterin' up
the house."
The idee of the perfect stillness did tempt me, I so love comfort and
quiet, and also not havin' to sweep up after chips and kindlin' wood.
But yet how did we know these things wuz so? And agin I sez, "How do you
know he can do all this? He hain't got any tools."
Sez Josiah, "He's got idees if he hain't got tools. A man can borry
tools, but he can't dicker for such idees as Jabez has got. See the
things he's undertook."
Sez I, "Anybody can undertake things; his idees hain't made him rich or
famous. That air ship of hisen he wuz goin' to sail to Europe on, rared
up and spilt him in his uncle's back yard. And his automobile, when he
sot off on it and headed it for the road it backed up and took him down
that steep hill back of the barn into the creek, where it kep on
ploughin' up dirt and slate stuns till his uncle stopped it by main
force and lifted Jabez out from under it drippin' like a water rat. And
his machine for perpetual motion, his ma uses it now for clothes bars,"
sez I. "What has he ever done to merit your encomiums?"
"Well," sez he, "he's bound to succeed this time. His idees are some
like the hardware man's at Jonesville only Jabez'es are more deep and
not nigh so expensive." I never liked Jabez Wind and shouldn't if I'd
seen him settin' swingin' his legs off the very top of Fame's pillow. He
wuz oncongenial to me, made so from the beginin'. I never knew any
particular hurt of him, but he seemed so much like his own sir name, so
puffed up and onsubstantial. He wuz middlin' well off to start with, or
his ma wuz, but he had used up all her property in his different
enterprises.
Now I dote on inventors, they wear a halo in my partial eyes. They're
the greatest men of our day, and I mentally kneel at their feet, but
gold always has counterfeits. The real inventor, made by the Deity to
carry out his plans, is modest, silent, broodin' over his great secrets,
away from the multitude where angels minister to him. But Jabez wuz
loud, boastin', arrogant, his pert impudent face proclaimin' the great
things he wuz goin' to do, but never did. He wuz in love, too, or what
he called love, with a girl that wuz a prime favorite of mine, sweet
little Rosamond Nickleson, she and I wuz such great friends she often
used to come and stay a week at a time with me.
When Jabez Wind came to Jonesville, Rosy wuz about the same as engaged
to a good sensible young farmer, Royal Nelson, who lived three milds
above Jonesville on the old stage road. He wuz a stiddy, likely young
man, who owned a nice farm well stocked, wuz good lookin', good
appearin', but ruther bashful and retirin', which made him some times in
company a little awkwud in his manners, and most offish where he wanted
to please most. But he had a good mind, and his heart wuz pure gold, and
he loved Rosy with the deep earnest love, such undemonstrative men often
cherish for the one woman in the world for them. His calm gray eyes
would light up with the pure light of deathless love when they rested on
the sweet face of little Rosy. And he wuz always tryin' to help her in
some way, lookin' out for her interest, he seemed to love to protect and
wait on her in a way that argued well for the future, but mebby it wuz
this constant and almost slavish devotion that made her slight him, she
had got so used to his stiddy love that she didn't appreciate it as
she'd ort to.
He had paid attention to Rosy for most three years. I thought mebby he
wuz such a manly chap he didn't want to hurry her, she wuz so young, but
everybody spozed they wuz as good as engaged when Jabez Wind come to
Jonesville to live with his uncle, old Kellup Wind. He lost his wife,
and Miss Wind, his brother's widder, come to keep house for him and
brung Jabez with her. I hurn it wuz the bargain she wuz to have two
dollars a week and Jabez'es board. That showed me what he wuz, a young
man twenty-five years old hangin' on to his mother's apron strings to
support him, or ruther hangin' onto her hard workin' fingers, she wuz a
good housekeeper.
Well, Jabez made such a splurge in the social pool of Jonesville
society, he made such florid eloquent boasts of the wonderful things he
wuz goin' to do in the near future; his clothes wuz so showy, and his
looks so showy (shaller I called it), with beady shiny black eyes, red
cheeks, mustache and whiskers naturally red like his hair, but dyed
black, and he played the fiddle so sweet, the girls said, and he sung
comic songs so bea-eu-ti-ful, and he danced so light that he become a
general favorite in Jonesville society and the girls all seemed to seek
after him. But from the first he singled out Rosy as the object of his
special patronizin' affection. She wuz well off, her pa left her a good
property in money besides bein' so pretty and good herself.
And she, girls are so queer, the best of 'em, from the very fact that
his affection wuz so patronizin' and down stoopin' to her, and kinder
oncertain, for onlike Royal he would have spells of slightin' her and
waitin' on other girls, why mebby for this very reason she seemed to be
carried some distance away with him, and believed all his grand idees
and looked forward to the realization of his stupendious schemes, high
soundin' schemes, which had took him no furder than the middle of the
creek and his uncle's back yard.
His uncle didn't believe in him no more than I did, but stood it with
him on account of Karen, bein' a man that loved domestic comfort, and
havin' lived in dirt, on pan-cakes and canned meats durin' different
rains of incompetence materialized in hired girl form, before Karen
come. But Karen worshipped Jabez, his highest mounts of future eminence
seemed too low for his footstool in her adorin' eyes, somehow the very
loftiness of his airs to her, his own mother who supported him and
bought his clothes, seemed to render him more precious in her eyes.
Wimmen are queer, queer as dogs.
Well, Jabez knew I wuz onwillin' to have him tackle the job of warmin'
our house with his new water pipe invention, because I had spoke my mind
about it when he and Karen had been over to spend the evenin', and Karen
come over the next mornin' ostensibly to borry a cup of molasses, she
wuz lookin' wore out, she'd worked so hard the day before, doin' a big
washin' and bringin' the water from the creek, and I sez, "Why didn't
Jabez bring it for you?"
"Oh, he wuz so busy with his inventions I couldn't bear to disturb him,"
sez she, holdin' her hand to her achin' side, "my son is the greatest
genius in the world and folks will admit it yet, he's a young man of a
thousand."
Sez I, "I should think more on him, Karen, if he should go to work and
take care of you instead of you at your age workin' so hard to take care
of him."
She married when she wuz quite well along in years and wuz gittin' old
now and hadn't ort to work so hard. But her pale face lit up, "Oh, he
will take care of me luxuriously when he's completed some of his
inventions."
"But," sez I pityin'ly, "you know they hain't worked yet, any on 'em.
You hung your washin' yesterday on the remains of his Perpetual Motion,
and his motor carriage bein' dug up from the creek, his uncle uses it as
a hen coop."
"Oh, but they will be successful, they will."
"I hope so, but I feel it my duty to tell you that I feel dubersome
about it, dretful dubersome."
"But," sez she, "the New Perpetually Gushing Hot Water Tank is goin' to
make us independently rich. He's takin' the plans now of Luman Heath's
kitchen stove and riggin' up the machinery; Luman is to pay him
lavishly, you know Luman's wife is my own cousin."
I see how it wuz, Karen's friends, to please her, wuz willin' to offer
up their sure comforts and solid foundations as a sacrifice on the altar
of friendship and the thought come over me, mebby I'd ort to. But it did
seem as if I couldn't.
Sez Karen, "If it is a success at cousin Luman's, as it is dead sure to
be, Jabez is goin' to take it to the St. Louis Exposition."
"He thinks the foreign powers will want to treat with him for it. But I
told him I would ruther he would let our Government have it. But
'tennyrate he won't let the Powers git the better of him in the contract
and control it and enrich themselves at his expense. He will get his
onparelled idees patented before he takes it to St. Louis, it wouldn't
be safe not to. I spoze the papers will be full of it."
Such talk didn't seem to move me a mite, but it impressed Josiah
dretfully and he sez, "I shall have this new invention stand next to my
hen coop at the Exposition of St. Josiah."
I shuddered and turned the subject round quick as I could. Well, Karen
labored with me over two hours, dwellin' in particular on the perfect
stillness of the heatin' apparatus, and agin as before that thought
tempted me awfully, for I'd hearn the cracklin' snappin' sounds that
sometimes comes from steam heat and dreaded to have it reproduced in my
home, and seein' my looks Karen amplified on the idee, How sweet it
would be in December to set down in a rockin' chair in the still warmth
of a day in July and go through the winter in that luxurious lovely way.
She talked till she had to go home almost on the run, for she said
Jabez'es mind worked so hard it exhausted his body completely so she had
to have the most nourishin' food ready for him at the very minute or he
would break right down. But to the last she praised up Jabez'es work.
But I wouldn't say a encouragin' word furder than this, "I feel
dubersome about it, Karen, dretful dubersome."
That afternoon Rosy come over to stay all night, and she too tackled me
on the subject. He had asked her to, always hangin' onto some woman for
help. But with her too I used the same tick-tacks I had with Karen, I
said mildly after each modest plea for his great genius, and how well he
would do the work, "I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."
Then she, too, sweetly spoke of the summer warmth, and the entire
absence of noise, and agin that thought tempted me, but I sez, "How do
you know, Rosy, that it will be entirely noiseless?"
"Oh, I know it will, Jabez sez so. He is sure to succeed, and it will
help him so to have your influence, he expects to publish a book of the
greater eulogies from noted people on this new invention, and he intends
to have your name head the list. When you say this perfectly noiseless
machine heats your house too warm in the coldest weather, what a help it
will be to him, and your name will be first," she repeated agin.
"He'd better have the President and Cabinet come first," sez I dryly,
dry as a chip in dog days.
"No, he spoke about that, but thought he would have them come next to
yours, and I approved of it," sez she affectionately, "and so did his
ma.
"He will git out the book as soon as he comes home from the St. Louis
Exposition with all the big eulogies he gits there on his inventions."
I groaned to myself and got up quick and went into the buttery and took
a drink of cold water, I felt so kinder sickish. Well at modest
intervals she would politely and gently tackle me about it, at the table
and while she wuz washin' dishes, but I held firm, though very
considerate and tender to her. I mogulated my axent low and gentle and
looked mild at her over my specs, as I washed and she wiped, but my
words wuz ever the same.
"I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."
At last Josiah's temper riz up and he vowed he wouldn't dally any
longer, sez he, "I earned this money by the sweat of my brow and I'm
goin' to use it as I'm a minter, and I'm a minter have these water pipes
put in by Jabez Wind." (He got the money by sellin' a colt, Id'no as
there wuz any great sweat about it).
But he wuz bound to have it done, and he did. And for reasons named I
dassent cross him too fur and put my foot right down on the plan. And
the children sez, "Better anything, mother, than his celebration. If he
don't tear the house down over your head let him go on." (_Let him_! I
guess I _had_ to let him.)
Jabez come on with all his riggin'. He'd borrowed tools of the hardware
man at Zoar, another of Karen's cousins, and obtained the furnace and
pipes on credit, I spozed.
I made all the preparations I could in case of disaster. Took up the
carpets in that part of the house, took down the curtains and moved the
furniture, used all the precautions I could to escape with life and limb
if possible, and insure the safety of my dear but misguided pardner, and
then I sot down in the parlor bedroom, the furthest I could git without
goin' upstairs, and let the tide of events sweep by me or sweep me away,
and I didn't know which it would be. I had to be downstairs anyway, for
(though Philury helped), I had to stand with my hand on the hellum, so
to speak, and see to everything. What made it worse, too, it come on the
coldest snap we'd had all winter.
Well, one of the main arguments by Jabez and Josiah wuz the speed with
which this work wuz to be accomplished. The hull thing wuz to be done
and we settin' down fannin' ourselves inside of three days, but for over
four weeks our house wuz a perfect pandemonium of noise and confusion.
Iron pipes lay round in every direction, screws and vises, nuts and
hammers, wrenches and irons of all shapes and descriptions strewed the
house from top to bottom, and ashes, dirt and dust wuz rampant, and
Jabez rennin' up and down stairs, to and fro, talkin' loud about what a
success he wuz makin' of it and how everything wuz workin' jest as he
wanted it to, and boasted in particular every time he come acrost me,
ashakin' with the cold, how perfectly still and noiseless it wuz goin'
to be, and how luxurious and almost enervatin' would be the warmth. And
I sez, rubbin' my cold hands and pullin' my heavy woolen shawl closter
round me, "It would be a little different than it is now if it wuz
still, or if it wuz warm." And agin I shivered in the frigid air and
sez:
"You guaranteed we wouldn't be torn up here over three days, and it wuz
four weeks yesterday."
"That is because I have took such extra precautions to have it perfectly
noiseless. Never," sez he impressively, "from one year's end to the
other will you ever hear a sound from that apparatus, not the least
murmur or echo of a sound."
"Well, I hope not," sez I, "and I hope to gracious it will be finished
some time, for I'm most freezin' and Josiah is takin' cold, as I can
see."
"No I hain't nuther," sez Josiah, his voice soundin' real wheezy and
husky out from under his heavy wool comforter.
Sez I, "You be cold, Josiah Allen, your nose is blue this minute."
"Well, what if it is! I always liked that color anyway, I'd ruther have
it blue that red as madder," sez he glancin' at my most prominent
feature.
Sez I, "It is the bitter cold that has turned our noses, Josiah Allen,
and when is it goin' to end?"
"It is going to end to-morrow mornin', at seven A.M. we start the fire,
and then," sez he proudly, "I will set down in perfect summer heat, calm
and happy, and you, too." For I spoze my oncomplainin' misery appealed
to his latent manhood; and it had been latent in him for some time. But
he wuz driv most beyend his strength, and the cold wuz almost Klondikey,
I could make allowance for him. Well, the next day passed, and the next
and the next, and finally, jest four weeks and four days after he had
guaranteed to have it finished, Jabez hautily announced, and Josiah
proudly proclaimed, a fire could be started. Karen wanted to be with us
in the first trial of the heat, so she appeared on the seen, so
triumphant and overjoyed it fairly made her worn haggard face look
considerable brighter.
Rosy had come to spend the day and stay all night, invited by Karen to
witness her son's triumph. But I onbeknown to anybody, feelin' I needed
a strong arm and cool brain to depend on, had beset Royal Nelson to come
and stand by me that day and night, I didn't say Rosy wuz to be there
for fear he wouldn't come, for I could see by his white cheeks and sad,
yet cool lookin' eyes, that he'd about gin her up. He said to once that
he would come, and his sad eyes kinder laughed as he added, "I will
stand by you in your affliction."
Well, Jabez, with his face gay and joyous and his tongue waggin',
weighted down with big, boastful words, headed the procession down
suller; Josiah and Ury filled up the furnace and built the fire, Jabez
seemin'ly willin' they should do the work, he's so lazy. Rosy, Karen and
I remained upstairs, Philury and I tryin' to mop and sweep up some of
the dirt, and before long I hearn a buggy drive up, and see it wuz Royal
Nelson, and in a few minutes he come in lookin' solid and reliable as
ever.
Well, the upper tank had been filled, and at the welcome news the fire
wuz beginnin' to burn bright we all went upstairs watchin' to see the
grateful heat come up, and some of our hands wuz on the pipes every
minute, when a low hollow rumblin' wuz hearn down in the suller, growin'
louder and louder every minute till it got to be perfectly terrific, and
Jabez run down there, his coat tails almost layin' level in his haste,
and Josiah most fallin' over him, and Royal follerin' on more tranquil
lookin' but excited all through I could see.
Ury stayed by us a spell, but as the deep hollow noise strengthened to a
loud roar, accompanied by a strange rushin', gurglin' sound, comin'
nearer and nearer, he seized Philury by the arm and rushed her outdoors
through the snow, not stoppin' till they got to the barn, then he leggo
of her and stood in the barn door to reconnoiter. It wuz a awful and
skairful seen. I couldn't blame Ury, but like Sara of old, I felt that I
must stay by my stuff, and Rosy and Karen hung to each other, and both
hung onto me, all on us tremblin' like three popple leaves.
Finally, jest as the three men come hurryin' back into the room to
rescue or die with us I spoze, the boilin' water gin a louder, angrier
roar, and riz up out of the tank three feet into the air and poured and
steamed and deluged all over the floor. Well wuz it I took up the
carpet. But Josiah Allen, to prove he feared no danger, had insisted on
leavin' the dressin' gown he worshipped hangin' up in the clothes press
where the tank wuz. Alas! alas! as he brung it out drippin' and steamin'
from the fiery bath, where wuz the once gay colors? Them tossels and red
palm leaves on yeller ground that had so lately been the light of his
eyes and desire of his heart? Who could tell which wuz palm leaves and
which wuz yeller ground? And as for the red tossels, their glory had
departed forever. Josiah groaned aloud as he bore it out leavin' a
watery wake of red and yeller all the way to the kitchen, where I
follered him and told him, so strong is woman's love in the hour of
trouble, "Dear Josiah, I am sorry for you, but I told you jest how it
would be."
He dashed it onto the floor and hollered out, "You didn't tell me
nothin' about it! you never said the word dressin' gown! and I'd like to
know what you're sorry about, it is nothin', only a valve has bust or
sunthin'."
"Yes," sez I sadly, "I guess it is a sunthin'." Here he kicked aginst
the suller door so hard one of the panels has been shaky to this day,
and run down there, Jabez follerin' him, while I seized a dipper and a
twelve quart pail and hurried up to the flooded deestrick, which we
commenced to bail out like a sinkin' boat, Royal, Karen and Rosy helpin'
me, and Ury havin' his first fears squenched by the overflow of water
(which he expected he said would blow off the hull ruff and top story of
the house), he and Philury laid to and helped.