SAMANTHA AT THE ST. LOUIS EXPOSITION
BY
JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE (MARIETTA HOLLEY)
ILLUSTRATIONS BY CH. GRUNWALD
1904
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
[Transcriber's note: These are the captioned halftone illustrations.
There are several other uncaptioned line drawings.]
He showed 'em in a careless way as much as fifteen dollars in cash
Josiah's good nater returnin' with every mouthful he took
It is the big crowd that is surgin' through the Pike to and fro, fro and
to
"I hain't Theodore. I'm President of a Gas Company."
She laid her pretty head in my lap, sobbin' out, "What shall I do? What
shall I do?"
Good land! I couldn't sort 'em out and describe them that passed by in
an hour. _Frontispiece_
SAMANTHA AT THE ST. LOUIS EXPOSITION
CHAPTER I.
I had noticed for some time that Josiah Allen had acted queer. He would
seem lost in thought anon or oftener, and then seemin'ly roust himself
up and try to act natural.
And anon he would drag his old tin chest out from under the back
stairway and pour over musty old deeds and papers, drawed up by his
great-grandpa mebby.
He did this last act so often that I said to him one day, "What under
the sun do you find in them yeller old papers to attract you so,
Josiah?"
But he looked queer at me, queer as a dog, as if he wuz lookin' through
me to some distant view that interested him dretfully, and answered
evasive, and mebby he wouldn't answer at all.
And then I'd see him and Uncle Sime Bentley, his particular chum, with
their heads clost together, seemin'ly plottin' sunthin' or ruther,
though what it wuz I couldn't imagine.
And then they would bend their heads eagerly over the daily papers, and
more'n once Josiah got down our old Olney's Atlas and he and Uncle Sime
would pour over it and whisper, though what it wuz about I couldn't
imagine. And if I'd had the curosity of some wimmen it would drove me
into a caniption fit.
And more'n a dozen times I see him and Uncle Sime down by the back
paster on the creek pacin' to and fro as if they wuz measurin' land. And
most of all they seemed to be measurin' off solemn like and important
the lane from the creek lot up to the house and takin' measurements, as
queer lookin' sights as I ever see, and then they would consult the
papers and atlas agin, and whisper and act.
And about this time he begun to talk to me about the St. Louis
Exposition. He opened the subject one day by remarkin' that he spozed I
had never hearn of the Louisana Purchase. He said that the minds of
females in their leisure hours bein' took up by more frivolous things,
such as tattin' and crazy bed-quilts, he spozed that I, bein' a female
woman, had never hearn on't.
And my mind bein' at that time took up in startin' the seams in a blue
and white sock I wuz knittin' for him, didn't reply, and he went on and
talked and talked about it.
But good land! I knowed all about the Louisana Purchase; I knowed it
come into our hands in 1803, that immense tract of land, settlin'
forever in our favor the war for supremacy on this continent between
ourselves and England, and givin' us the broad highway of the
Mississippi to sail to and fro on which had been denied us, besides the
enormous future increase in our wealth and population.
I knowed that between 1700 and 1800 this tract wuz tossted back and
forth between France and Spain and England some as if it wuz a immense
atlas containing pictured earth and sea instead of the real land and
water.
It passed backwards and forwards through the century till 1803 when it
bein' at the time in the hands of France, we bought it of Napoleon
Bonaparte who had got possession of it a few years before, and Heaven
only knows what ambitious dreams of foundin' a new empire in a new
France filled that powerful brain, under that queer three-cornered hat
of hisen when he got it of Spain.
But 'tennyrate he sold it in 1803 to our country, the writin's bein'
drawed up by Thomas Jefferson, namesake of our own Thomas Jefferson,
Josiah's child by his first wife. Napoleon, or I spoze it would sound
more respectful to call him Mr. Bonaparte, he wanted money bad, and he
didn't want England to git ahead, and so he sold it to us.
He acted some as Miss Bobbett did when she sot up her niece, Mahala Hen,
in dressmakin' for fear Miss Henzy's girl would git all the custom and
git rich. She'd had words with Miss Henzy and wanted to bring down her
pride. And we bein' some like Miss Hen in sperit (she had had trouble
with Miss Henzy herself, and wuz dretful glad to have Mahala sot up), we
wuz more'n willin' to buy it of Mr. Bonaparte. You know he didn't like
England, he had had words with her, and almost come to hands and blows,
and it did come to that twelve years afterwards.
But poor creeter! I never felt like makin' light of his reverses, for do
not we, poor mortals! have to face our Waterloo some time durin' our
lives, when we have fought the battle and lost, when the ground is
covered with slain Hopes, Ambition, Happiness, when the music is
stilled, the stringed instruments and drums broken to pieces, or givin'
out only wailin' accompaniments to the groans and cries of the dyin'
layin' low in the dust.
We marched onward in the mornin' mebby with flyin' colors towards
Victory, with gaily flutterin' banners and glorious music. Then come the
Inevitable to crush us, and though we might not be doomed to a desert
island in body, yet our souls dwell there for quite a spell.
Till mebby we learn to pick up what is left of value on the lost field,
try to mend the old instruments that never sound as they did before. Sew
with tremblin' fingers the rents in the old tattered banners which Hope
never carries agin with so high a head, and fall into the ranks and
march forward with slower, more weary steps and our sad eyes bent toward
the settin' sun.
But to stop eppisodin' and resoom. I had hearn all about how it wuz
bought and how like every new discovery, or man or woman worth while,
the Purchase had to meet opposition and ridicule, though some prophetic
souls, like Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Livingstone and others, seemed to look
forward through the mists of the future and see fertile fields and
stately cities filled with crowds of prosperous citizens, where wuz then
almost impassable swamps and forests inhabited by whoopin' savages.
And Mr. Bonaparte himself, let us not forgit in this proud year of
fulfilled hopes and achievement and progress how he always seemed to set
store by us and his words wuz prophetic of our nation's glorious
destiny.
I had knowed all about this but Josiah seemed to delight to instruct me
as carefully as a mother would guide a prattlin' child jest beginnin' to
walk on its little feet. And some times I would resent it, and some
times when I wuz real good natured, for every human bein' no matter how
high principled, has ebbs and flows in their moral temperatures, some
times I would let him instruct me and take it meekly like a child
learnin' its A-B abs.
But to resoom. Day by day Josiah's strange actions continued, and at
intervals growin' still more and more frequent and continuous he acted,
till at last the truth oozed out of him like water out of a tub that has
been filled too full, it wuz after an extra good meal that he confided
in me.
He said the big celebration of the Louisana Purchase had set him to
thinkin' and he'd investigated his own private affairs and had
discovered important facts that had made him feel that he too must make
a celebration of the Purchase of the Allen Homestead.
"On which we are now dwellin', Samantha," sez he. "Seventy-four acres
more or less runnin' up to a stake and back agin, to wit, as the paper
sez."
Sez I, "You needn't talk like a lawyer to me, Josiah Allen, but tell me
plain as a man and a deacon what you mean."
"Well, I'm tellin' you, hain't I, fast as I can? I've found out by my
own deep research (the tin trunk wuzn't more'n a foot deep but I didn't
throw the trunk in his face), I've discovered this remarkable fact that
this farm the very year of the Louisana Purchase came into the Allen
family by purchase. My great-great-grandfather, Hatevil Allen, bought it
of Ohbejoyful Gowdey, and the papers wuz signed the very day the other
momentous purchase wuz made.
"There wuz fourteen children in the family of old Hatevil, jest as many
as there is States in the purchase they are celebratin' to St. Louis.
"And another wonderful fact old Hatevil Allen paid jest the same amount
for this farm that our Government paid for the Louisiana Purchase."
"Do you mean to tell me, Josiah, that Hatevil Allen paid fifteen
millions for this farm. Will you tell me that? You, a member of the
meetin' house and a deacon?"
"Well, what you might call the same, it is the same figgers with the six
orts left out. Great-granther Allen paid fifteen dollars for this piece
of land, it wuz all woods then."
"Another of these most remarkable series of incidents that have ever
took place on this continent, Thomas Jefferson wuz a main actor in the
Louisana Purchase. He has left this spear some years ago, and who, who
is the father of Thomas Jefferson to-day?"
I didn't say nothin', for I wuz engrossed in my knittin', I wuz jest
turnin' the heel of his sock and needed my hull mind.
"And," sez he, smitin' his breast agin, "I ask you, Samantha, who is the
father of Thomas Jefferson to-day?"
I had by this time turned the heel and I sez, "Why, I spoze he's got the
same father now he always had, children don't change their fathers very
often as a general thing."
"Well, you needn't be so grumpy about it. Don't you see that these
wonderful coincidences are enough to apall a light-minded person. Why,
I, even I with my cast iron strength of mind, have almost felt my brain
stagger and reel as I onraveled the momentous affair.
"And I am plannin' a celebration, Samantha, that will hist up the name
of Allen where it ort to be onto the very top of Fame's towerin' pillow,
and keep it in everlastin' remembrance.
"And I, Samantha," and here he smote himself agin in the breast, "I,
Josiah Allen, havin' exposed these circumstances, the most remarkable in
American history, I lay out to name my show the Exposition of Josiah
Allen. And I've thought some times that in order to mate mine with the
St. Louis show, as you may say, I'd mebby ort to call myself St.
Josiah."
"Saint Josiah!" sez I, and my axent wuz that icy cold that he shivered
imperceptibly and added hastily, "Well, we will leave that to the future
to decide."
"But," sez he firmly, spruntin' up agin, "if the nation calls on me to
name myself thus I shall respond, and expose myself at my Exposition as
Saint Josiah."
Sez I anxiously, "I wouldn't expose myself too much, Josiah. You
remember the pa that took his weak-minded child to the ball, and told
him to set still and not speak or they would find him out.
"And they asked him question after question and he didn't say a word,
and finally they begun to scoff at him and told him he wuz a fool, and
he called out, 'Father, father, they've found me out.'"
Josiah sez snappishly, "What you mean by bringin' that old chestnut up I
cant see."
"Well," sez I, "I shan't sew the moral on any tighter." But he kep' on
ignorin' my sarcastick allusion.
"To keep up the train of almost miraclous incidents marchin' along
through the past connecting the St. Louis and the Allen Purchase like
historical twins, I'm goin' to spend on the Exposition of Josiah Allen
jest the amount paid for the other original purchase, and I may, for
there is no tellin' what a Allen may do when his blood is rousted up, I
may swing right out and pay jest the same amount St. Louis is payin' for
her Exposition."
"Fifty millions!" sez I with emotions of or--or to think I had a pardner
that would tell such a gigantic falsehood, and instinctively I thought
of a story I'd hearn Thomas Jefferson tell the evenin' before.
He said three commercial travelers wuz talkin' before an old man from
the country whose loose fittin' clothes were gently scattered with
hay-seed. The first one told with minute particulars of a Western
cyclone that had lifted a house and sot it down in a neighborin'
township. The next one said that he wuz knowin' to the circumstances and
how the cyclone swep back and brought the suller and sot it down under
the house. And the third one remembered vividly how the cyclone went
back the second time and brought the hole the suller left and
distributed it round under the new site.
The old man listened with deep interest, and said he wuz glad he'd had
the privelige of hearin' 'em, for their talk had cleared up a Bible
verse he'd long pondered over.
They wuz astounded to think their talk had awakened religious
meditations. But the old gentleman said their conversation had cleared
up that passage where it said:
"Annanias come forth."
He said it wuz now plain to him that it meant that these three drummers
should stand before Annanias, the Prince of Liars, he takin' his place
behind 'em, the fourth in the rank of liars.
But this is neither here or there I only mention it as comin' into my
mind instinctively and onbeknown to myself as I hearn Josiah Allen's
remark, it came and went, as thoughts will, like a lightning flash, even
as I wuz repeatin' the words agin in wonderment and horrow.
"Fifty million dollars!"
"No, I said to you, Samantha, that in our conversation we would leave
out the orts, fifty dollars wuz what I meant. But as I said this is what
I've thought when my brain wuz fired with ambition and glory of histin'
the name of Allen up where it ort to be and will be. But when my blood
has quieted down and I took a dispassionate view of the affair I have
thought it would be more in keepin' with the old traditions of the Allen
family, to spend jest fifteen, I can do a noble job with Uncle Sime's
help and Ury's, with exactly the same sum that wuz paid for these
purchases."
I see he wuz jest bound to ignore the millions. But I knowed it wouldn't
do any good to keep twittin' him of it. And then he went on to describe
more fully the Exposition of Josiah Allen that he'd been plottin' for
weeks and weeks. He said that he and uncle Sime had used up two hull
pads of writin' paper at a cost of five cents each, plannin' and
figurin'. But he didn't begrech the outlay, he said. He wuz layin' out
to have the lower paster used as a tentin' ground for the hull Allen
race, and the Gowdeys if he decided they wuz worthy to jine in, he
hadn't settled on that yet. The cow paster wuz to be used for
Equinomical and Agricultural displays and also Peaceful Industries and
Inventions, and the lane leadin' up to the barn from the lower paster he
laid out to use as a Pike for all sorts of amusements, pitchin' quaits,
bull-in-the-barnyard, turnin' hand-springs and summer sets, etc., etc.
Sez I coldly, "It would draw quite a crowd to see you and Deacon Gowdey
standin' on your two old bald heads turnin' a summer set."
"Oh, I laid out to have younger people in such thrillin' seens, Ury and
others." And then he went on to describe at length his Peaceful Industry
Show.
I couldn't sot still to hear it only I felt I wanted to know the worst
and cope with it as a surgeon probes to the quick in order to cure.
He thought he could git Aunt Huldy Wood, who wove carpets, to set up her
loom for a few days under the big but-nut tree, and be weavin' there
before the crowds. He said she wuz a peaceful old critter and would show
off well in it. And Bildad Shoecraft, another good-natured creeter, he
could bring his shoe-making bench and be tappin' boots. He could not
only show off but make money at the same time, for he spozed that many a
boot would be wore down to the quick walkin' round viewin' the
attractions. And Blandina Teeter he spozed she could run my sewin'
machine under the sugar maple. And he thought mebby I would set out
under the slippery ellum makin' ginger cookies or fryin' nut-cakes, in
either capacity he said I wuz a study for an artist and would draw
crowds.
"The wife of Josiah Allen fryin' nut-cakes, what a sound it would have
through the world."
"No, Josiah," sez I, "I shan't try to fry nut-cakes in a open lot
without ingregients or fire."
"Well, mebby you'd ruther be one of the attractions of the Pike,
Samantha. I hain't goin' to limit you to one thing. As the pardner of
the originator of this stupengous scheme you are entitled to respect.
There is where Napoleon, the other great actor in these twin dramas,
missed it, he didn't use his wife as he ort to. But jest see the
wonderful similarity in these cases. He had two step-children; the wife
of Josiah had two; I am smaller in statute than my wife; so wuz
Napoleon."
"You spoke of your Peaceful Inventions, Josiah," sez I, wantin' to git
his mind off, for truly I begun to fairly feel sick to the stomach to
hear his talk about himself and the Great Conqueror.
"Oh, yes, Samantha, that in itself will be worth double the price of
admission."
"Then you expect to ask pay, Josiah?"
"Certainly, why not? Do they not ask pay at the twin celebration?
"But you spoke of inventions; I shall let the rest of the Allens show
off. Lots of 'em have invented things, but of course my inventions will
rank number one. There is my button on the suller door I cut it out of
an old boot leg. Who ever hearn of a leather button before, and it works
well if you don't want to fasten the door tight. Then there is that self
actin' hen-coop of mine that lets a stick fall down and shuts the door
when the hen walks up the ladder."
"But no hen has ever clim the ladder yet, Josiah."
"No, perhaps they hain't yet, but I'm expectin' to see 'em every day,
'tennyrate paint that coop a bright red and yaller and it will attract a
crowd.
"And then there is that travelin' rat trap of brother Henzy's, you know
his grandmother wuz an Allen, I shall mayhap let him appear. And then
there is all my farmin' implements and the rest of the Allen's I lay out
to be just to all, and let 'em all come and show off in my Agricultural
show.
"But of course there has got to be a head to it; Napoleon wuz the head
of the other Purchase, and I'm the head of this. In short, Samantha, I
am _It_."
Oh, how full of pride and vain glory he wuz, and I knowed such feelin's
would have to be brung down for his spiritual good. I realized it as he
went on,
"I tell you, Napoleon and I would have made a span, Samantha, if he
could been spared till now."
Oh how shamed I wuz to hear such talk, but I sot demute for reasons
named, and he sez agin, "I thought mebby you would want to be one of the
attractions of the Pike, Samantha; I lay out to have livin' statutes
adornin' the side of the lane leadin' up from the beaver medder to the
horse trough."
"Livin' statutes!" sez I, coldly, "I don't know what you mean by them."
[Illustration]
"Why, I thought for a few cents I could git a lot of children and old
folks to be white-washed for a day or two and pose as statutes. It would
be a new thing and a crackin' good idee, for livin' statutes that can
wink, and bow, and talk, and walk round some, I don't believe wuz ever
hearn on before."
"No indeed," sez I, "but I can tell you, Josiah Allen, I've played many
strange parts in the role of life at your request, but I tell you once
for all I shall never, _never_ be whitewashed and set up for a statute,
you can set your mind to rest on that to once."
"Mebby you'd ruther be a Historical Tabloo, Samantha; I lay out to have
beautiful ones, and I thought I wouldn't confine myself to the States,
but would branch out and have the foreign nations represented
figuratively.
"A naval battle between Russia and Japan would draw; if I could fix some
floats on the creek my stun boat could represent Russia, and Deacon
Huffer's Japan, I jest as lives mine would be blowed up and sunk as not,
'tain't good for much. And if I did have that I would have the Russian
Bear set on the shore growlin', and the Powers furder back lookin'
pleasantly on. You might be a Power, Samantha, if you wuzn't a female."
"No, thank you, Josiah, I don't hanker after the responsibility for good
or evil that ort to hang onto a Power."
"I'd be the Russian Bear myself, Samantha, with our old buffalo robe,
only I've got everything else to do; I could grasp holt of things and
squeeze 'em tight and growl and paw first rate."
"I wouldn't try to take that Russian Bear's job of graspin' and growlin'
and pawin' onto me, Josiah, if I wuz in your place; it would tucker
anybody out."
"The Eagle of France," sez he dreamily, "could be represented in reduced
form, as artists say, by Solomon Bobbett's old Bramy rooster with some
claws tied on. And Scotland, the land knows there is thistles enough
along the cow path to represent her if they're handled right. And for
Ireland I might have two fellers fightin' with shelalays, Ury could make
the shelalays if he had a pattern."
I knit away with a look of cold mockery on my face that I spose worried
him, for he sez, "I wish I could git you interested in my show,
Samantha. Mebby you'd want to represent Britanny scourin' the blue seas,
you always thought so much of the Widder Albert. You could enact it in
the creek where the water is shaller. You've got a long scrubbin' brush,
I always thought you looked some like Britanny, and you do scrub and
scour so beautiful, Samantha."
"No, Josiah, you'll never git me into that scrape, not but what Britanny
may need help with her scrubbin' brush. But I shan't catch my death cold
makin' a fool of myself by tacklin' that job."
"Oh, you could wear my rubber boots. But I shall not urge the matter, I
only thought we two countries are such clost friends and I wanted you to
have the foremost character, but I can probable git someone else to
enact it. But the strain is fearful on me, Samantha, to have everything
go on as it should."
His looks wuz strange. I could see that he wuz all nerved up, and his
mind (what he had) wuz all wrought up to its highest tension; I knowed
what happened when the tension to my sewin' machine wuz drawed too
tight--it broke. And my machine wuz strong in comparison to some other
things I won't mention out of respect to my pardner. I felt that I must
be cautious and tread carefully if I would influence him for his good,
so I brought forth the argument that seldom failed with him, and sez I:
"If I hadn't no other reason for jinin' in these doin's, cookin' has got
to be done and how can a statute or a Historical Tabloo bile potatoes
and brile steak and make yeast emptin's bread perked up on a pedestal or
posin' in the creek, and you know, Josiah, that no matter how fur
ambition or vain glory may lead a man, his appetite has got to be
squenched, and vittles has got to be cooked else how can he squench it."
And to this old trustworthy weepon I held in all his different plans to
inviggle me into his preposterous idees and found it answered better
than reason or ridicule. But even this failed to break up his crazy
plan. His hull mind (what he had) wuz sot on it.