POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM, INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA
FEATURE AND THE SUPPER TURN
"It seems that this here Luxberg, the German representative in Argentine
which sent them _spurlos versenkt_ letters, has been crazy for years,
Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in January.
"Yes?" Morris Perlmutter said. "And when did they find _that_ out, Abe?"
"It's an old story, Mawruss," Abe replied. "Everybody knew it in Berlin,
only they never happened to think of it until we discovered those
letters in the private mail of the Swedish minister."
"And what do they lay the Swedish minister's behavior to, Abe?" Morris
inquired. "Stomach trouble?"
"_That_ they didn't say," Abe continued. "But I guess they figure that
Sweden should think up her own alibis."
"Well, it's a hopeful sign when the Germans realize that them Luxberg
letters sound like the idees of a crazy man, Abe," Morris said,
"although compared to Zimmermann's break about handing Mexico a couple
of our Southern states if she went to war with us, y'understand,
Luxberg's letters ain't so _meshuggah_, neither. So it seems to me, Abe,
that Germany would be doing well to say that Luxberg was drunk when he
wrote them letters, because later when it comes to explaining the
hundreds of rotten acts that Germans has done in this war, Abe, Germany
is going to have to think up a lot of excuses, and she may as well keep
the insanity defense for somebody who would really need it, like the
Kaiser."
"Don't worry about the Kaiser, Mawruss," Abe said. "For years already
that feller has been getting up such strong evidence for an insanity
defense, in the way of speeches to soldiers, y'understand, that he could
feel absolutely safe in not only doing what he _has_ been doing, but
also what Doctor Waite and Harry Thaw did, too, because all that the
counsel for the defense would got to do is to read the Kaiser's remarks
at Koenigsburg, for instance, and five minutes after the jury had
returned a verdict without leaving their seats, y'understand, the Kaiser
would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal Insane."
"There ain't much danger of that, anyway," Morris declared, "because I
read them fourteen propositions of Mr. Wilson's peace program, and so
far as any mention is made of punishing the guilty parties, Abe, you
might suppose the _Lusitania_ had never been sunk at all, which it may
be dumbness on my part, Abe, but the way it looks to me is that if
them fourteen propositions is fourteen net, and not ten, five, and two
and one-half off for cash, understand me, we have got to give Germany
such a big licking before she accepts them that we might just so well
give her a bigger one and add propositions from fifteen to twenty
inclusive, of which proposition sixteen would contain the same demands
as proposition fifteen, except that the person upon whom the sentence
was to be carried out would be the Crown Prince instead of the Kaiser,
but no flowers in either case, understand me, and if twenty propositions
wasn't enough to take care of all the responsible parties we could add
as many more propositions as necessary."
[Illustration: "And five minutes after the jury had returned a verdict
would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal
Insane."]
"What you are trying to fix up, Mawruss, ain't a program, but a
catalogue, Mawruss," Abe commented, "which if we want to get a
performance of Mr. Wilson's program, y'understand, and they're going to
have a lot of trouble putting that number over with a satisfactory sea,
on account they would either have to paint a sea, dig a sea, or have
some sort of a sea effect, because Poland is like Iowa, Mawruss--the
only time you could get a glimpse of the sea there is when they run off
one of them Annette Kellermann filums in a moving-picture theayter."
"That only goes to show what you know from Poland," Morris retorted,
"because in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Prussia
belonged to Poland."
"Yes, and in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Texas
belonged to Mexico," Abe continued. "So I guess Mr. Wilson must have
some sea in mind which ain't barred by the statute of limitations; but
that ain't here nor there, because getting a sea to Poland ain't the
biggest difficulty in carrying out the peace program. Take, for
instance, number six on the program, which is a proposed turn or act by
all the Allies, entitled, 'Welcoming Russia into the Society of Free
Nations.' The directions is that the performers should give Russland all
sorts of assistance of every kind that she may need, and also to behave
kindly to her, y'understand, and no sooner does Mr. Wilson come out with
this, so to speak sob scenario, understand me, than Trotzky & Lenine get
right back at him with a counter-proposition, so I guess that the
present number six will be taken out of the program, and another number
substituted for it, like this: