A CONTINUATION OF THE STATE OF ENGLAND UNDER QUEEN ANNE—THE
CHARACTER OF A FIRST MINISTER OF STATE IN SOME EUROPEAN COURTS.
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could
incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves,
and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the sake of injuring
their fellow animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying
they did it for hire. Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him
the use of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the
metals; that when a _yahoo_ had got a great store of this precious
substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to, the finest
clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meats
and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females. Therefore
since money alone was able to perform all these feats, our _yahoos_
thought they could never have enough of it to spend or save, as they
found themselves inclined from their natural bent either to profusion or
avarice. That the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man’s labor, and
the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former. That the
bulk of our people were forced to live miserably, by laboring every day
for small wages to make a few live plentifully. I enlarged myself much
on these and many other particulars to the same purpose. But his honor
was still to seek; for he went upon a supposition that all animals had
a title to their share in the productions of the earth, and especially
those who presided over the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him
know what these costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want
them. Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with
the various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without
sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to
drink as for sauces, and innumerable other conveniencies. I assured him
that this whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round,
before one of our better female _yahoos_ could get her breakfast, or a
cup to put it in. He said that must needs be a miserable country which
cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered
at was how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly
without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending over
the sea for drink. I replied that England (the dear place of my nativity)
was computed to produce three times the quantity of food more than its
inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors extracted from grain,
or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink;
and the same proportion in every other convenience of life. But, in order
to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the
females, we sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other
countries, whence in return we brought the materials of diseases, folly,
and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of necessity, that
vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek their livelihood by
begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, flattering, suborning, forswearing,
forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling,
star-gazing, poisoning, canting, libeling, free-thinking, and the like
occupations; every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him
understand.
That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply the
want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort of liquid which
made us merry by putting us out of our senses; diverted all melancholy
thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised our
hopes and banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for a time
and deprived us of the use of our limbs till we fell into a profound
sleep; although it must be confessed that we always awaked sick and
dispirited, and that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which
made our lives uncomfortable and short.
But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves by
furnishing the necessities or conveniencies of life to the rich and to
each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as I ought
to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; the
building and furniture of my house employ as many more, and five times
the number to adorn my wife.
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having upon some occasions informed
his honor that many of my crew had died of diseases. But it was with
the utmost difficulty that I brought him to apprehend what I meant. He
could easily conceive that a Houyhnhnm grew weak and heavy a few days
before his death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that Nature,
who works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in
our bodies he thought it impossible, and desired to know the reason of
so unaccountable an evil. I told him that we fed on a thousand things
which operated contrary to each other; that we ate when we were not
hungry, and drank without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole
nights drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us
to sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion.
That it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident
to human bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred,
spread over every limb and joint—in short, every part, external and
intestine, having diseases appropriated to them. To remedy which, there
was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or pretense, of
curing the sick. And because I had some skill in the faculty, I would,
in gratitude to his honor, let him know the whole mystery and method by
which they proceed.
Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion; whence
they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is necessary, either
through the natural passage, or upwards at the mouth. Their next business
is, from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, seaweed,
barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men’s flesh and
bones, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition for smell and taste the
most abominable, nauseous, and detestable they can possibly contrive,
which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this they call
a vomit; or else, from the same storehouse, with some other poisonous
additions, they command us to take in a medicine equally annoying and
disgustful to the bowels, which relaxing the belly, drives down all
before it, and this they call a purge, or a clyster.
But besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures; these
have their several names, and so have the drugs that are proper for
them, and with these our female _yahoos_ are always infested.
One great excellency in this tribe is their skill at prognostics, wherein
they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when they rise to
any degree of malignity, generally portending death, which is always in
their power, when recovery is not. And therefore, upon any unexpected
signs of amendment, after they have pronounced their sentence, rather
than be accused as false prophets, they know how to approve their
sagacity to the world by a seasonable dose.
They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are grown
weary of their mates, to eldest sons, to great ministers of state, and
often to princes.
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the nature
of government in general, particularly of our own excellent constitution,
deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world. But having here
accidentally mentioned a minister of state, he commanded me some time
after to inform him what species of _yahoo_ I particularly meant by that
appellation.
I told him that our first or chief minister of state was a person wholly
exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least
makes use of no other passions but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles. That he applies his words to all uses except to the indication of
his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you should
take it for a lie; nor a lie but with a design that you should take it
for a truth. That those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the
surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to others
or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn. The worst mark you can
receive is a promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after
which every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.
There are three methods by which a man may rise to be chief minister.
The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose of a wife, a
daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or undermining his
predecessor; and the third is by a furious zeal in public assemblies
against the corruptions of the court. But a wise prince would rather
choose to employ those who practice the last of these methods; because
such zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the
will and passions of their master. That these ministers, having all
employments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power by bribing
the majority of a senate or great council; and at last, by an act
of indemnity (whereof I described the nature to him), they secured
themselves from after reckonings, and retired from the public laden with
the spoils of the nation.
The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in his
own trade; the pages, lackeys, and porter, by imitating their master,
become ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to excel
in the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and bribery.
Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons of the
best rank, and sometimes by the force of dexterity and impudence, arrive,
through several gradations, to be successors to their lord.
He is usually governed by a decayed wench or favorite footman, who are
the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may properly be
called, in the last resort, the governors of the kingdom.
One day in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the nobility of
my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I could not pretend
to deserve: that he was sure I must have been born of some noble family,
because I far exceeded in shape, color, and cleanliness, all the _yahoos_
of his nation, although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which
must be imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes;
and besides, I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but
likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that with all his
acquaintance I passed for a prodigy.
He made me observe, that among the Houyhnhnms, the white, the sorrel, and
the iron-gray were not so exactly shaped as the bay, the dapple-gray,
and the black; nor born with equal talents of the mind, or a capacity
to improve them; and therefore continued always in the condition of
servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own race, which in
that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural.
I made his honor my most humble acknowledgments for the good opinion he
was pleased to conceive of me; but assured him at the same time, that my
birth was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest parents,
who were just able to give me a tolerable education. That nobility, among
us, was altogether a different thing from the idea he had of it; that
our young noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury;
and when their fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean
birth, disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the
sake of money), whom they hate and despise. That the productions of such
marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by
which means the family seldom continues above three generations. That a
weak diseased body, a meager countenance, and sallow complexion, are no
uncommon marks of a great man; and a healthy robust appearance is so far
disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world is apt to conclude his
real father to have been one of the inferiors of the family, especially
when it is seen that the imperfections of his mind run parallel with
those of his body, and are little else than a composition of spleen,
dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality and pride.