How suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It
is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally
unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife
at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a
Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply
because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise
as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have
the following questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about
to Marry:"--
Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles?
Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round?
How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family?
How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia?
Please to give the average price of a four-poster.
Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes,
pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves,
cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump.
If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to
school."
He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and
moral. He should be further examined thus:--
Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery?
Can you wait any given time for breakfast?
Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day?
Can you cut your old friends?
Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason?
Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to?
Can you do what you are told without being told why?
In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job?
If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your
licence and marry--not else.
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TO POLICEMEN ABOUT TO MARRY.--When you are about to marry, visit as many
cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your
choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the
accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is
nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When
married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station--if
he can get a room there for nothing.
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