(_A Page from a Diary_)
_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married!
It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest
suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is
such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all
thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in
love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are
about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a
good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a
chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets
into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one
after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate
Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female
relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody
was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed.
He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and
chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all
right.
_Tuesday._--Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home
to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air
of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her
violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He
kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying
good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her
too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was
dreadful.
_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the
old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very
least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval
of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated
through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to
Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of
mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon
her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next.
_Thursday._--It _has_ been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his
way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the
drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with
my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed
her on the forehead. Where will this end?
_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and,
without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, Nellie,
Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he
had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused,
and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt
Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt
Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and
was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced
dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what
ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the
spare bedroom after dinner.
_Saturday._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a
lesson for all of us.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS
_She._ "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word
was _law!_"
_He._ "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT!
_Young Wife._ "Where are you going, Reggie dear?"
_Reggie Dear._ "Only to the club, my darling."
_Young Wife._ "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there,
and I can talk to you through it, can't I?"
_Reggie Dear._ "Y-yes--but--er--you know, the confounded wires are
always getting out of order!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT
_Serious and much-Married Man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to
hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past,'
you know!"
_The Friend (bachelor "unattached")._ "Well, you see, old man, she's got
a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_
care about."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Good-bye, Alfred darling. You _have_ cheered me up. If I
get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear
photo--that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"]
* * * * *
_She._ "I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own."
_He (tired of waiting)._ "I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to
probate it!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her
husband and her Dachshund."
"Well, they make a very good pair."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A FAIR AVERAGE
_Visitor._ "Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives."
_Dan'l (proudly)._ "Ess, zur, I 'ave--an' what's more, _two of 'em was
good 'uns!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Adolphus (penitently)._ "So sorry, dearest, that I was
angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper."
_Olivia._ "Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and
I'm sure you can easily find a better."]
* * * * *