_Seraphina_ (_with emphasis_). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me
so--you insolent puppy!
_Adolphus_ (_with decided emphasis_). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!
_Curtain falls._
* * * * *
THE BEST SETTLEMENT FOR A RICH WIFE WHO ELOPES.--A penal one.
* * * * *
[Illustration: COLD SYMPATHY
_Friend._ "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"
_Gilded Youth._ "Just proposed to a girl--been refused. Think I shall
blow my brains out!"
_Friend._ "Congratulate you, old chap!"
_Gilded Youth._ "What do you mean?"
_Friend._ "Didn't know you had any!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM
_Gertrude._ "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."
_Evelyn._ "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he
died almost immediately afterwards."
_Gertrude._ "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."]
* * * * *
THE SEVEN WONDERS THE SEVEN WONDERS
OF A MARRIED MAN. OF A MARRIED
WOMAN.
1. NOT going to sleep after 1. NEVER having "a
dinner! gown to put on," when
invited out anywhere.
2. Never going anywhere 2. Always being down the
in the evening, excepting first to breakfast! always
"to the club!" being dressed in time for
dinner! and never keeping
the carriage (or the cab)
waiting at the door a
minute!
3. Always being good-tempered 3. Not always having
over the loss of a "delicate health," about
button, and never wreaking the autumn, and being
his vengeance on the coals recommended by her medical
if the dinner isn't ready man "change of air"
exactly to a minute! immediately!
4. Never finding fault with 4. Keeping up her "playing
his "dear little wifey", if and singing" the same
she happens to be his partner after marriage as before!
at whist.
5. Not "wondering," 5. Giving her husband the
regularly every week, "how best cup of tea!
the money goes!"
6. Resigning himself 6. Never making the house
cheerfully, when asked to uncomfortable by continually
accompany his wife on "a "putting it to rights!"--nor
little shopping!" filling it choke-full
with a number of things it
does not want, simply because
they are "bargains!"
7. Insisting upon the 7. Never alluding, under
servants sitting up, sooner the strongest provocation,
than take the latchkey with to "the complete sacrifice
him!!! she has made of herself!"--nor
regretting the "two or
three good offers," which
she (in common with every
married woman) had before
she was foolish enough to
accept _him_!!--and never,
by any accident, calling her
husband "a brute!"
* * * * *
ALL FOR MONEY.--Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their
wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case,
Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY
_Comely Housemaid._ "None for you, miss."
_Daughter of the House._ "But--why--who are all those for, then?"
_Comely Housemaid._ "Me, miss!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BALANCE RESTORED
_Mrs. Henry Peek._ "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when
nobody else thought anything about you!"
_Mr. Henry Peek_ (_wearily_). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me
now!"]
* * * * *
SHE "JESTS AT SCARS," ETC.--_Aunt._ "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is
she?" _Sarcastic Younger Sister_ (_fancy free_). "Oh, pretty well, but
she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred';
at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems
and a _Dictionary_!!!"
* * * * *
AN OLD-MAIDISM.--Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally
manages to open his eyes.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"
"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told
me you were well off."
"So I was. But I didn't know it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mr. Guzzle._ "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be
married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours
up to the mark. She wants it!"
_Mr. Jinks._ "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"]
* * * * *