being admitted to their company by the Austrians, who are the very
Haughtiest and most exclusive among the High Dutch, and look upon a mere
untitled Englishman as Nobody (although he may be of Ten Times better
blood than their most noble Raggednesses). A mean sort, for all their
finely furnished palaces, and wearing mighty foul Body Linen. The first
question they ask, when they Hear that a Stranger desires to be
Presented to them, is, "Is he Born?" The query having nothing to do with
the fact of his nativity, but meaning (so I have been told), "Has he
five-and-thirty Quarterings in his Coat-of-Arms?" And if he has but
four-and-thirty (though some of their greatest nobles have not above
Four or Five Hundred Pounds a year to live on), the Stranger is held to
be no more Born than if he were an embryo; and the Quality of Vienna
takes no more notice of him than of the Babe which is unborn.
Truly, it was the Dead Season, and we could not have gone to many
Dinners and Assemblies, even if the Aristocracy had been minded to show
hospitality towards us. There were Theatres and Operas, however, open,
which much delighted my Master and myself (who was privileged to attend
him), although the Reverend Mr. Hodge stayed away for conscience' sake
from such Profane amusements, comforting himself at home over a merry
Book and a Bottle of Erlauer, which is an Hungarian wine, very dark and
Rough, but as strong as a Bullock, and an excellent Stomachic. Nothing
more magnificent than the Operas then performed at the Gardens of the
Favorite, throwing the Paris and London houses utterly into the shade,
and I have heard that the Habits, Decorations, and Scene Paintings, cost
the Emperor Thirty Thousand Pound Sterling. And to think of the millions
of poor ragged wretches that must have been taxed, and starved, and
beaten, and robbed, and skinned alive, so to speak, before His Majesty's
pleasures would be paid for.[F] The Stage in this Favorite Garden was
built over a large canal, and at the beginning of the Second Act divided
(as in our own Theatre hard by Sadler's Wells) into Two Parts,
discovering the water, on which there immediately came from different
parts two little Fleets of gilded vessels, that gave the impression
(though ludicrously incorrect in their Riggings and Manoeuvres) of a
Sea-fight. The story of the Opera was, if I remember right, the
Enchantments of Alcina, an entertainment which gave opportunity for a
great Variety of Machines and changes of the Scene, which were performed
with surprising swiftness. No House could hold such large Decorations.
But the Ladies all sitting in the open air, exposed them to much
inconvenience; for there was but one Canopy for the Imperial Family; and
the first night we were there, a shower of Rain coming on, the Opera was
broken off, and the Company crowded away in such confusion that we were
almost squeezed to Death.
If their Operas were thus productive of such Delectable Entertainment
(abating the Rain and crowding), I cannot say much for their Comedies
and Drolls, which were highly Ridiculous. We went to the German
Playhouse, and saw the Story of Amphytrion very scurvily represented.
Jupiter falls in love out of a peep-hole in the clouds in the
beginning, and the end of it was the Birth of Hercules. It was very
pitiful to see Jove, under the figure of Amphytrion, cheating a Tailor
of a laced coat, and a Banker of a bag of Money, and a Jew of a Diamond
Ring, with the like rascally Subterfuges; and Mercury's usage of Sosia
was little more dignified. And the play was interlarded with very gross
expressions and unseemly gestures, such as in England would not be
tolerated by the Master of the Revels, or even in France by the
Gentleman of the Chamber having charge over the Theatres, but at which
the Viennese Quality, both Male and Female, did laugh Heartily and with
much Gusto.
Memorandum. As some of the Manners then existing have passed away (in
this sad changeful age, when every thing seems melting away like Cowheel
Jelly at a Wedding Feast), I have set down for those curious in such
matters that the Vienna Dames were squeezed up in my time in gowns and
gorgets, and had built fabrics of gauze on their Heads about a yard
high, consisting of Three or Four Stories, fortified with numberless
yards of heavy Ribbon. The foundation of this alarming structure was a
thing they called a _Bourle_, which was exactly of the same shape and
kind--only four times Bigger--as those Rolls which our Milkmaids make
use of to fix their Pails upon. This machine they covered with their own
hair, with which they mixed a great deal of False; it being a particular
and Especial Grace with them to have their Heads too large to go into a
moderate-sized Tub. Their Hair was prodigiously powdered to conceal the
mixture, and so set out with numerous rows of Bodkins, sticking out
three or four Inches on each side, made of Diamonds, Pearls, Green, Red,
and Yellow Stones, that it certainly required as much Art and Experience
to carry the load upright as to dance on May-day with the Garland that
the Dairy Wenches borrow (under good security) from the Silversmiths in
Cranbourne Alley. Also they had Whalebone Petticoats, outdoing ours by
several yards in circumference. Vastly Ridiculous were these
Fashions--think you not so, good Sir or Madam, as the case may be? and
yet, may I be shot, but much later in the present century I have seen
such things as hoops, _bourles_, tours, and toupees, not one whit less
Ridiculous.
The Empress, a sweet pretty lady, was perforce obliged to wear this
Habit; but with the other Female Grandees it only served to increase
their natural Ugliness. Memorandum: that at Court (whither we went not,
being "unborn," but heard a great deal of it from hearsay) a Game called
Quinze was the Carding most in vogue. Their drawing-rooms are different
from those in England, no Man Creature entering it but the old
Grand-Master, who comes to announce to the Empress the arrival of His
Imperial Majesty the Caesar. Much gravity and Ceremony at these
Receptions, and all very Formal, but decent. The Empress sits in a great
easy-chair! but the Archduchesses are ranged on chairs with tall,
straight Backs, but without arms; whilst the other Ladies of the Court
(poor things) may stand on one Leg, or lean against sideboards, to rest
themselves as they choose; but Sit Down they Dare not. This is the same
Discipline, I believe, that still prevails, and so I speak of it in the
present tense. The Table is entirely set out, and served by the
Empress's Maids of Honour (who put on the very dishes and sauces),
Twelve young Ladies of the First Quality, having no Salary, but their
chamber at court (like our Maids at the Montpelier by Twitnam), where
they live in a kind of Honourable Captivity, not being suffered to go to
the Assemblies of Public Places in Town, except in compliment to the
wedding of a Sister Maid, whom the Empress always presents with her
picture set in Diamonds. And yet, for all their Strict confinement, I
have heard fine Accounts of the goings-on of these noble Ladies. The
first three of them are called "Ladies of the Key," and wear little
golden keys at their sides. The Dressers are not at all the figures they
pretend to in England, being looked upon no otherwise than as downright
Chambermaids.
So much of the State and Grandeur of Vienna, then the most considerable
city in Germany; though now Berlin, thanks to the Genius of its Puissant
Monarch, has Reared its head very high. It was, however, my cruel Fate
to see something more of the Capital of the Holy Roman Empire, and that
too in a form that was of the unpleasantest. You must know that my
Master and the Chaplain and I (when we had been some Weeks in town, and
through the interest of the English Bankers had gotten admission into
some Society not quite so exclusive as the People who wanted to know
whether you were "born") went one afternoon to an Archery Festival that
was held in the garden of the Archchancellor's Villa, at Schoenbrunn (now
Imperial property). 'Twas necessary to have some kind of Introduction;
but that, if you stood well in the Banker's Books, was not very
Difficult; and, invited or not, you had to pay a golden Ducat to the
Usher of Ceremonies (a preposterous creature, like the Jack of Diamonds
in his dress), that brought your ticket to your lodgings. So away we
went to Schoenbrunn, and at a Respectful distance were privileged to
behold two of the young Archduchesses all dressed, their Hair full of
jewels, and with bows and arrows in their hands; while a little way off
were placed three oval pictures, which were the marks to be shot at. The
first was a Cupid, filling a bottle of Burgundy, with the motto
"_Cowards may be brave here._" The second Fortune, holding a garland,
with the motto "_Venture and Win._" The third a Sword with a Laurel
Wreath at the point, and for legend, "_I can be vanquished without
shame._" At t'other end was a Fine Gilded Trophy all wreathed with
flowers, and made of little crooks, on which were hung rich Moorish
Kerchiefs (which were much affected by the Viennese, a people very fond
of gay and lively colours), tippets, ribbons, laces, &c., for the small
prizes. The Empress, who sat under a splendid canopy fenced about by
musketeers of the Life Guard, gave away the first prize with her own
hand, which was a brave Ruby Ring set with Diamonds in a gold
snuff-box. For the Second prize there was a little Cupid, very nicely
done out of amethysts, and besides these a set of fine Porcelain, of the
kind they call Eggshell (for its exceeding Tenderness and Brittleness),
with some Japan trunks, feather-fans, and Whimwams of that order. All
the men of quality in Vienna were spectators; but only the ladies had
permission to shoot. There was a good background of burghers and
strangers, and in the rear of all a Mob that drank beer and scrambled
for Kreutzers, which the officers of the Guard who were keeping the
Barriers would now and then throw among them for their Diversion's sake.
And all behind it was like a Fair, set out with Booths, where there was
shooting and drinking and Gaming, just at one's ease; for I have ever
found that in the most Despotic countries the Mobile have a kind of Rude
License accorded them; whereas in States where there is Freedom
Authority gives a man leave to Think, but very carefully ties his hands
and feet whenever he has a mind to a Frisk. My Master was in very good
spirits that day (having quite recovered his health), and for a time
wanders about the Tents, now treating the common people, and now having
a bumper with Mr. Hodge. We had tickets for the second ring, but not for
the Inner one, where the Quality were standing; but just before the
shooting of the great Match for the Empress's ruby ring, Mr. Pinchin,
into whose head some of the bubbles from the white Hungarian had begun
to mount, begins to brag about his gentle extraction, and his cousinage
to Lady Betty Heeltap and my Lord Poddle. He vows that he is as well
"born" as any of the rascaille German Sausage-gorgers (as he calls
them), and is as fit to stand about Royalty as any of them. The
Chaplain, who was always a discreet man, tried hard to persuade him
against thrusting himself forward where his company was not desired; but
Mr. Pinchin was in that state in which arguing with a man makes him more
obstinate. Away he goes, the Chaplain prudently withdrawing into a
Booth; but I, as in Duty bound, followed my Master, to see that he got
into no mischief. But, alas, the Mischief that unhappy little Man
speedily contrived to entangle himself within!
By dint of a Florin here and a Florin there, the adventurous Squire
succeeded in slipping through the row of Guards who separated the outer
from the inner Ring, who, from the richness of his Apparel (for he was
dressed in his very Best), may perhaps have mistaken him for some Court
Nobleman who had arrived late. He had got within the charmed circle
indeed (I being a few paces behind him), and was standing on Tiptoe to
take a full stare at one of the young Archduchesses who was bending her
bow to shoot at Cupid, when up comes an old Lord with a very long white
face like a Sheep, with a Crimson Ribbon across his breast, and a long
white staff in his hand atop of which was a Golden Key. He first asks my
Master in German what he wants there, at least so far as I could
understand; to which the Squire, not being versed in the Tongues of
Almaine (and, indeed, High Dutch and Low Dutch are both very Base
Parlance, and I never could master 'em), answers, "_Non comprenny_,"
which was his general reply when he was puzzled in the Foreign Lingos.
Then the old Lord, with a very sharp voice and in French, tells him that
he has no Business there, and bids him begone. Mr. Pinchin could
understand French, though he spoke it but indifferently; but he, being
fairly Primed, and in one of his Obstinate Moods, musters up his best
parleyvoo, and tells the Ancient with the Golden Key (and I saw that he
had another one hung round his neck by a parcel chain, and conjectured
him to be a High Chamberlain at least) to go to the Devil. (I ask pardon
for this word.) Hereupon my Lord with the Sheep's countenance collars
him, runs his white stick into his visage, so that the key nearly puts
his eye out, and roars for the Guard. Then Mr. Pinchin, according to his
custom when he has gotten himself into a pother, begins to squeal for
Me, and the Chaplain, and his Mamma, to help him out of it. My blood
was up in a moment; I had not had a Tussle with any one for a long time.
"Shall I who have brained an English Grenadier sneak off before a
rabble-rout of Sauerkraut Soldiers?" I asked myself, remembering how
much Stronger and Older I had grown since that night. "Here goes, Jack
Dangerous!" and away I went into the throng, wrenched the white staff
from the old Lord's hand, made him unhand my Master, and drawing his
Sword for him (he being too terrified to draw it himself), grasped him
firmly by the arm, and was preparing to cut a way back for both of us
through the crowd. But 'twas a mad attempt. Up came the Guard, every man
of them Six Foot high, and for all they were Sauerkraut Soldiers,
pestilent Veterans who knew what Fighting meant. When I saw their fixed
Bayonets, and their Mustachios curling with rage, I remembered a certain
Scar I had left on me after a memorable night in Charlwood Chase. We
were far from our own country, and there was no Demijohn of Brandy by;
so, though it went sore against my Stomach, there was no help for it
but to surrender ourselves at once Prisoners of War. Prisoners of War,
forsooth! They treated us worse than Galley Slaves. Our hands were bound
behind us with cords, Halters were put about our necks, and, the
Grenadiers prodding us behind with their bayonets,--the Dastards, so to
prick Unarmed Men!--we were conducted in ignominy through the rascal
Crowd, which made a Grinning, Jeering, Hooting lane for us to pass to
the Guardhouse at the Entrance of the Gardens. The Officer of the Guard
was at first for having both of us strapped down to a Bench as a
preliminary measure to receive two hundred Blows apiece with Willow Rods
in the small of our backs, which is their usual way of commencing
Judicial proceedings, when up comes the old Lord in a Monstrous Puff and
Flurry, and says that by the Empress's command no present Harm is to be
done us; but that we are to be removed to the Town Gaol till the Caesar's
pleasure respecting us shall be known. Her Majesty, however, forgot to
enjoin that we were not to be fettered; so the Captain of the Guard he
claps on us the heaviest Irons that ever Mutineers howled in; and we,
being flung into a kind of Brewer's Dray, and accompanied by a Strong
Guard of Horse and Foot, were conveyed to Vienna, and locked up in the
Town Gaol.
Luckily Mr. Hodge speedily got wind of our misfortune, and hied him to
the British Ambassador, who, being fond of a Pleasant Story, laughed
heartily at the recital. He promised to get my Master off on payment of
a Fine or something of that sort; and as for me, he was good enough to
opine that I might think myself Lucky if I escaped with a sound dose of
the Bastinado once a week for three months, and a couple of years or so
in Irons. The Chaplain pleaded for me as well as for my Master as hard
as he could; and his Excellency frowned and said, that the Diversions of
a Gentleman might run a little wild sometimes and no harm done, but that
the Insolence of Servants (which was a growing evil) must be restrained.
"At all events, I'll see what I can do," he condescended to explain.
"Come what may, the Fellow can't fare very badly for a sound Beating,
and perhaps they will let him off when he has had cudgelling enough." So
he calls for his Coach, and goes off to Court.
FOOTNOTES:
[E] Had Captain Dangerous written his memoirs a few years later, he
might have found cause to alter his opinion respecting the wisdom of
George III. in refusing to grant the American demands.
[F] And yet Captain Dangerous is a stanch opponent of Reform.--ED.
CHAPTER THE SIXTH.
OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA), AND
OF MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY,
WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY.
THE Fox in the Fable, so my Grannum (who had a ready Memory for those
Tales) used to tell me, when he first saw the Lion was half dead with
Fright. The Second View only a little Dashed him with Tremour; at the
Third he durst salute him Boldly; and at the Fourth Rencounter Monsieur
Reynard steals a Shin Bone of Beef from under the old Roarer's Nose, and
laughs at his Beard. This Fable came back to me, as with a Shrug and a
Grin (somewhat of the ruefullest) I found myself again (and for no Base
Action I aver) in a Prison Hold. I remembered what a dreadful Sickness
and Soul-sinking I had felt when doors of Oak clamped with Iron had
first clanged upon me; when I first saw the Blessed Sun made into a
Quince Tart by the cross-bars over his Golden face; when I first heard
that clashing of Gyves together which is the Death Rattle of a man's
Liberty. But now! Gaols and I were old Acquaintances. Had I not lain
long in the dismal Dungeon at Aylesbury? Had I not sweltered in the Hold
of a Transport Ship? I was but a Youth; but I felt myself by this time a
Parcel Philosopher. The first thing a man should do when he gets into
Gaol, is to ask himself whether there is any chance of his being Hanged.
If he have no Sand Blindness, or Gossamer dancing of Threepenny cord
before his eyes, why then he had e'en better eat and drink, and Thank
God, and hope for the Best. "They won't Hang me," I said cheerfully
enough to myself, when I was well laid up in Limbo. The Empress is well
known to be a merciful Lady, and will cast the ermine of Mercy over the
Scarlet Robe of Stern Authority. Perhaps I shall get my Ribs basted.
What of that? Flesh is flesh, and will Heal. They cannot beat me so
sorely as I have seen done (but never of myself Ordered but when I was
compelled) to Negro Slaves. If they fine me, my Master must Pay. Here I
am by the Heels, and until I get out again what use is there in
Fretting? Lady Fortune has played me a scurvy trick; but may she not
to-morrow play as roguish a one to the Sheepfaced old Chamber Lord with
the golden Key, or any other smart Pink-an-eye Dandiprat that hangs
about the Court? The Spoke which now is highest in her Wheel may, when
she gives it the next good Twist, be undermost as Nock. So I took
Courage, and bade Despair go Swing for a dried Yeoman Sprat as he is.
I being a Servant, and so unjustly accounted of Base Degree by these
Sour-Cabbage gorging and Sourer-Beer swilling High Dutch Bed-Pressers,
was put into the Common Ward with the Raff; while my Master was
suffered, on Payment of Fees, to have better lodgings. Gaolers are
Gaolers all over the world, and Golden Fetters are always the
lightsomest. We were some Sixty Rascals (that is to say, Fifty-nine
scoundrels, with one Honest Youth, your Humble Servant) in the Common
Room, with but one Bed between us; this being, indeed, but a Raised
Wooden Platform, like that you see in a Soldiers' Guard Room. They
brought us some Straw every day, and littered us down Dog Fashion, and
that was all we had for Lodging Gear. It mattered little. There was a
Roof to the Gaol that was weather-tight, and what more could a Man
want?--until things got better at least.
Which they speedily did; and neither Master nor Man came to any very
great harm. 'Twas a near touch, though; and the safety of Jack
Dangerous's bones hung for days, so I was afterwards told, by the merest
thread. They deliberated long and earnestly about my case among
themselves. It was even, I believe, brought before the Aulic Council;
but, after about a week's confinement, and much going to and fro
between the English Embassador and the Great ones of the Court, Mr.
Pinchin had signified to him that he might procure his Enlargement by
paying a Fine of Eight Hundred Florins, which was reckoned remarkably
cheap, considering his outrageous behaviour at the Shooting match. Some
days longer they thought fit to detain Me; but My Master, after he
regained his liberty, came to see me once and sometimes twice a day; and
through his and Mr. Hodge's kindness, I was supplied with as good
Victuals and Drink as I had heretofore been accustomed to. Indeed, such
abundant fare was there provided for me, that I had always a
superfluity, and I was enabled to relieve the necessities and fill the
bellies of many poor Miserable Hungry creatures who otherwise must have
starved; for 'twas the custom of the Crown only to allow their Captives
a few Kreutzers, amounting to some twopence-farthing a day English, for
their subsistence. The Oldest Prisoner in the Ward, whom they called
Father of the Room, would on this Bare Pittance take tithe and toll,
often in a most Extortionate manner. Then these Gaol birds would fall to
thieving from one another, even as they slept; and if a man was weak of
Arm and Feeble of Heart, he might go for a week without touching a doit
of his allowance, and so might Die of Famine, unless he could manage to
beg a little filthy Cabbage Soup, or a lump of Black Bread, from some
one not wholly without Bowels of Compassion.
But I had not been here more than a month when the instances of my
master at length prevailed, and I too was Enlarged; only some Fifty
Florins being laid upon me by way of fine. This mulct was paid perforce
by Mr. Pinchin; for as 'twas through his mad folly, and no fault of my
own, that I had come to Sorrow, he was in all Justice and Equity bound
to bear me harmless in the Consequences. He was fain, however, to make
some Demur, and to Complain, in his usual piteous manner, of being so
amerced.
"Suppose you had been sentenced to Five Hundred Blows of a Stick,
sirrah,"--'twas thus he put the case to me, logically enough,--"would
you have expected me to pay for thee in carcase, as now I am paying for
thee in Purse?"
"Circumstances alter cases," interposes Mr. Hodge in my behalf. "Here is
luckily no question of Stripes at all. John may bless his Stars that he
hath gotten off without a Rib-Roasting; and to your Worship, after the
Tune they have made you dance to, and the Piper you have paid, what is
this miserable little Fine of Fifty Florins?" So my Master paid; and
Leaving another Ten Florins for the poor Losels in the Gaol to drink his
health in, we departed from that place of Durance, thinking ourselves,
and with reason, very well out of it.