compelled to dress according to his Degree, and the Better sort only
being licensed to wear Rich suits of clothes. And, to my thinking
(though the Putting it in Practice might prove somewhat inconvenient),
we should be much better off in England if some such laws were made for
the moderation and restraining of Excess and Extravagance in Apparel. As
folks dress nowadays, it is impossible to tell Base Raff from the
Highest Quality. What with the cheapness of Manufactured goods, and the
pernicious introduction of imitation Gold and Silver-lace, you shall
find Drapers' apprentices, Tavern drawers, and Cook wenches, making as
brave a Figure on Sundays as their masters and mistresses; and many a
young Spark has been brought to the Gallows, and many a poor Lass to
Bridewell or the 'Spital, through an over Fondness for cheap Finery, and
a crazy conceit for dressing like their betters.
Nuremberg hath its store of Churches and Relics, and the like; and even
the Lutherans, who are usually thought to be so strict and severe in the
adornment of their Temples, have in one of 'em a large Cross fairly set
with jewels. But this is nothing to the Popish High Church, where they
have at least a score of Saints, all dressed out in laced clothes, and
fair Full-bottomed Wigs, plentifully powdered. Here did we come across a
Prince Bishop of one of the Electoral German Towns, travelling with a
Mighty Retinue of Canons and Priests, and Assessors and Secretaries, and
a long train of Mules most richly caparisoned, with a guard of a hundred
Musketeers, with violet liveries and Mitres broidered on their
cartouch-boxes, to keep the Prince Bishop from coming to harm. My Master
dined with this Reverend Personage, although Mr. Hodge, to maintain the
purity of his cloth, kept aloof from any such Papistical entertainment;
but I was of the party, it being my duty to wait behind the Squire's
chair. We dined at two of the clock on very rich meats, high spiced, as
I have usually found Princes and Bishops to like their victuals (for the
Plainer sort soon Pall on their Palates), and after dinner there was a
Carousal, which lasted well nigh till bed-time. His Episcopal Highness's
Master of the Horse (though the title of Master of the Mules, on which
beasts the company mostly rode, would have better served him) got
somewhat too Merry on Rhenish about Dusk, and was carried out to the
stable, where the Palefreneers littered him down with straw, as though
he had been a Horse or a Mule himself; and then a little fat Canon, who
was the Buffoon or Jack Pudding of the party, sang songs over his drink
which were not in the least like unto Hymns or Canticles, but rather of
a most Mundane, not to say Loose, order of Chant. His Highness (who wore
the Biggest Emerald ring on his right Forefinger, over his glove, that
ever I saw) took a great fancy to my Master, and at Parting pledged him
in choice Rhenish in the handsomest fashion, using for that purpose a
Silver Bell holding at least a Pint and a half English. Out of this Bell
he takes the clapper, and holding it mouth upwards, drains it to the
health of my Master, then fixes the clapper in again, Topsy-turvies his
goblet, and rings a peal on the bell to show that he is a right Skinker.
My Master does the same, as in Duty Bound, and mighty Flustered he got
before the ringing-time came; and then the little Fat Canon that sang
the songs essayed to do the same, but was in such a Quandary of Liquor,
that he spills a pint over Mr. Secretary's lace bands, and the two would
have fallen to Fisticuffs but for his Episcopal Highness (who laughed
till his Sides Shook again) commanding that they should be separated by
the Lacqueys. This was the most jovial Bishop that I did meet with; and
I have heard that he was a good kind of man enough to the Poor, and not
a harsh Sovereign to his subjects, especially to the Female Part who
were fortunate enough to be pretty; but young as I was, and given to
Pleasures, I could not help lifting up my Hands in shocked Amazement to
see this Roystering kind of life held by a Christian Prelate. And it is
certain that many of the High Dutch Church Dignitaries were at this time
addicted to a most riotous mode of living. 'Twas thought no scandal in a
Bishop to Drink, or to Dice, or to gallivant after Damosels: but woe be
to him if he Dared to Dance, for the Shaking of a Leg (that had a
cassock over it) was held to be a most Heinous and Unpardonable Sin.
Next to Ratisbon, where Mr. Pinchin was Laid up with a Fever brought on
by High Living, and for more than Five Weeks remained between Life and
Death, causing both to Mr. Hodge and myself the Greatest Anxiety; for,
with all his Faults and absurd Humours, there was something about the
Little Man that made us Bear with him. And to be in his Service, for all
his capricious and passing Meannesses, was to be in very Good Quarters
indeed. He was dreadfully frightened at the prospect of Slipping his
Cable in a Foreign Land, and was accustomed, during the Delirium that
accompanied the Fever, to call most piteously on his Mamma, sometimes
fancying himself at Hampstead, and sometimes battling with the Waves in
the Agonies of the cramp, as I first came across him at Ostend. When he
grew better, to our Infinite Relief, the old fit of Economy came upon
him, and he must needs make up his mind to Diet himself upon Panada and
Mint Tea, taking no other nourishment, until his Doctor tells him that
if he did not fall to with a Roast chicken and a flask of White Wine, he
would sink and Die from pure Exhaustion. After this he began to Pick up
a bit, and to Relish his Victuals; but it was woful to see the
countenance he pulled when the Doctor's Bill was brought him, and he
found that he had something like Eighty Pounds sterling to pay for a
Sickness of Forty Days. Of course he swore that he had not had a tithe
of the Draughts and Mixtures that were set down to him,--and he had not
indeed consumed them bodily, for the poor little Wretch would have
assuredly Died had he swallowed a Twentieth Part of the Vile Messes that
the Pill-blistering Gentleman sent in; but Draughts and Mixtures had all
duly arrived, and we in our Discretion had uncorked them, and thrown the
major part of their contents out of window. We were in league forsooth
(so he said) with the Doctor to Eat and Ruin him, and 'twas not till the
latter had threatened to appeal to the Burgomaster, and to have us all
clapped up in the Town Gaol for roving adventurers (for they manage
things with a High Hand at Ratisbon), that the convalescent would
consent to Discharge the Pill-blisterer's demands; and, granting even
that all this Muckwash had been supplied, the Doctor must have been
after all an Extortioner, and have made a Smart Profit out of that said
Fever; for he presses a compliment of a silver snuff-box on the
Chaplain, giving me also privately a couple of Golden Ducats; nor have I
any doubt that the Innkeeper had also his commission to receive for
recommending a Doctor to the sick Englishman, and was duly satisfied by
Meinheer Bolus.
There was the Innkeeper's bill itself to be unpouched, and a mighty
Pother there was over each item, Mr. Pinchin seeming to think that
because he had been sick it was our Duty to have laid abed too,
swallowing nought but Draughts and Slops. Truth was, that we should not
have been Equal to the task of Nursing and Tending so difficult a
Patient had we not taken Fortifying and Substantial Nourishment and a
sufficiency of Wholesome Liquor; not making merry it is true, with
indecent revelry, but Bearing up with a Grave and Reverent countenance,
and taking our Four Meals a day, with Refreshing Soups between whiles.
And I have always found that the vicinage of a Sick Room is apt to make
one exceeding Hungry and Thirsty, and that a Moribund, albeit he can
take neither Bite nor Sup himself, is, in his surroundings, the cook's
best Friend, and the Vintner's most bountiful Patron.
Coming to his health again, Mr. Pinchin falls nevertheless into a state
of Dark Melancholy and Despondency, talking now of returning to England
and ending his days there, and now entertaining an even Stranger Fancy
that had come over his capricious mind. We had nursed him during his
sickness according to the best of our Capacity, but felt nevertheless
the want of some Woman's hand to help us. Now all the Maids in the House
were mortally afraid of the Fever, and would not so much as enter the
Sick Man's apartment, much less make his bed; while, if we had not taken
it at our own Risk to promise the Innkeeper Double Fees for lodging, the
cowardly knave would have turned us out, Neck and Crop, and we should
have been forced to convey our poor Sufferer to a common Hospital. But
there was in this City of Ratisbon a convent of Pious Ladies who
devoted themselves wholly (and without Fee or Reward for the most part)
to works of Mercy and Charity; and Mr. Hodge happening to mention my
Master's State to the English Banker--one Mr. Sturt, who was a Romanist,
but a very civil kind of man--he sends to the convent, and there comes
down forthwith to our Inn a dear Good Nun that turned out to be the most
zealous and patient Nurse that I have ever met with in my Travels. She
sat up night and day with the Patient, and could scarcely be persuaded
to take ever so little needful Rest and Refreshment. When she was not
ministering to the sufferer's wants, she was Praying, although it did
scandalise Mr. Hodge a little to see her tell her Beads; and when Mr.
Pinchin was well enough to eat his first slice of chicken, and sip his
first beaker of white wine, she Clapped her Hands for joy, and sang a
little Latin Hymn. When it came to her dismissal, this Excellent Nun
(the whole of whose Behaviour was most touchingly Edifying) at first
stoutly refused to accept of any Recompense for her services (which,
truly, no Gold, Silver, or Jewels could have fitly rewarded); and I am
ashamed to say that my Master, who had then his Parsimonious Nightcap
on, was at first inclined to take the Good Sister at her Word. Mr.
Hodge, however, showed him the Gross Ingratitude and Indecorum of such a
proceeding, and, as was usual with him, he gave way, bellowing, however,
like a Calf when the Chaplain told him that he could not in Decency do
less than present a sum of Fifty Ducats (making about Forty Pounds of
our Money) to the convent; for personal or private Guerdon the Nun
positively refused to take. So the Money was given, to the great
delectation of the Sisterhood, who, I believe, made up their minds to
Sing Masses for the bountiful English Lord as they called him, whether
he desired it or not.
Sorry am I to have to relate that so Pleasant and Moving an Incident
should have had anything like a Dark side. But 'tis always thus in the
World, and there is no Rose without a Thorn. My master, thanks to his
Chaplain, and, it may be, likewise to my own Humble and Respectful
Representations while I was a-dressing of him in the Morning, had come
out of this convent and sick-nurse affair with Infinite credit to
himself and to the English nation in general. Everywhere in Ratisbon was
his Liberality applauded; but, alas! the publicity that was given to his
Donation speedily brought upon us a Plague and Swarm of Ravenous Locusts
and Bloodsuckers. There were as many convents in Ratisbon as plums in a
Christmas porridge; there were Nuns of all kinds of orders, many of
whom, I am afraid, no better than they should be; there were Black Monks
and Gray Monks and Brown Monks and White Monks, Monks of all the colours
of the Rainbow, for aught I can tell. There were Canons and Chapters and
Priories and Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods and Ecclesiastical Hospitals
and Priors' Almonries and Saints' Guilds without end. Never did I see a
larger fry of holy men and women, professing to live only for the next
world, but making the very best of this one while they were in it. A
greasy, lazy, worthless Rabble-Rout they were, making their Religion a
mere Pretext for Mendicancy and the worst of crimes. For the most part
they were as Ignorant as Irish Hedge Schoolmasters; but there were those
among them of the Jesuit, Capuchin, and Benedictine orders; men very
subtle and dangerous, well acquainted with the Languages, and able to
twist you round their Little Fingers with False Rhetoric and Lying
Persuasions. These Snakes in the grass got about my poor weak-minded
Master, although we, as True Protestants and Faithful Servants, did our
utmost to keep them out; but if you closed the Door against 'em, they
would come in at the Keyhole, and if you made the Window fast, they
would slip down the Chimney; and, with their Pernicious Doctrines,
Begging Petitions, and Fraudulent Representations, did so Badger, Bait,
Beleaguer, and Bully him, that the poor Man knew not which Way to Turn.
They too did much differ in their Theology, and each order of Friars
seemed to hold the strong opinion that all who wore cowls cut in another
shape than theirs, or shaved their pates differently, must Infallibly
Burn; but they were of one Mind in tugging at Mr. Pinchin's
Purse-strings, and their cry was ever that of the Horse-Leech's Three
Daughters--"Give, give!"
Thus they did extract from him Forty Crowns in gold for Redeeming out of
Slavery among the Sallee Rovers ten Citizens of Ratisbon fallen into
that doleful captivity; although I do on my conscience believe that
there were not five native-born men in the whole city who had ever seen
the Salt Sea, much less a Sallee Rover. Next was a donation for a
petticoat for this Saint, and a wig for that one; a score of Ducats for
a School, another for an Hospital for Lepers; until it was Ducats here
and Ducats there all day long. Nor was this the worst; for my Master
began to be Troubled in the Spirit, and to cry out against the Vanities
of the World, and to sigh after the Blessedness of a Life passed in
Seclusion and Contemplation.
"I'll turn Monk, I will," he cried out one day; "my Lord Duke of Wharton
did it, and why should not I?"
"Monk, and a Murrain to them and Mercy to us all!" says Mr. Hodge, quite
aghast. "What new Bee will you put under your Bonnet next, sir?"
"You're a Heretic," answered Mr. Pinchin. "An Anglican Heretic, and so
is my knave John here. There's nothing like the old Faith. There's
nothing like Relics. Didn't I see a prodigious claw set in gold only
yesterday in the Barnabite Church, and wasn't that the true and
undoubted relic of a Griffin?"
"Was the Griffin a Saint?" asks the Chaplain humbly.
"What's that to you?" retorts my Master. "You're a Heretic, you're a
Scoffer, an Infidel! I tell you that I mean to become a Monk."
"What, and wear peas in your shoes! nay, go without shoes at all, and
leave off cutting your toe-nails?" quoth the Chaplain, much irate.
"Forsake washing and the Thirty-nine Articles! Shave your head and
forswear the Act of Settlement! Wear a rope girdle and a rosary instead
of a handsome sword with a silver hilt at your side! Go about begging
and bawling of paternosters! Was it for this that I, a Clergyman of the
Church of England, came abroad with you to keep you in the True Faith
and a Proper respect for the Protestant Succession?" Mr. Hodge had quite
forgotten the value of his Patron's favour, and was growing really
angry. In those days men would really make sacrifices for conscience'
sake.
"Hang the Protestant Succession, and you too!" screams Mr. Pinchin.
"Jacobite, Papist, Warming Pan!" roars the Chaplain, "I will delate you
to the English Envoy here, and you shall be laid by the heels as soon as
ever you set foot in England. You shall swing for this, sir!"
"Leave the Room!" yells Mr. Pinchin, starting up, but trembling in every
limb, for he was hardly yet convalescent of his Fever.
"I won't," answers the sturdy Chaplain. "You wretched rebellious little
Ape, I arrest you in the King's name and Convocation's. I'll teach you
to malign the Act of Settlement, I will!"
Whenever Mr. Hodge assumed a certain threatening tone, and began to
pluck at his cassock in a certain manner, Mr. Pinchin was sure to grow
frightened. He was beginning to look scared, when I, who remembering my
place as a servant had hitherto said nothing, ventured to interpose.
"Oh, Mr. Pinchin!" I pleaded, "think of your Mamma in England. Why, it
will break the good lady's heart if you go Romewards, Sir. Think of your
Estate. Think of your tenants and the Commission of the Peace, and the
duties of a Liveryman of the City of London."
I knew that I had touched my Master in a tender part, and anon he began
to whimper, and cry about his Mamma, who, he shrewdly enough remarked,
might cause his Estate to be sequestrated under the Act against
Alienation of Lands by Popish Recusants, and so rob the Monks of their
prey. And then, being soothingly addressed by Mr. Hodge, he admitted
that the Friars were for the greater part Beggars and Thieves; and
before supper-time we obtained an easy permission from him to drive
those Pestilent Gentry from the doors, and deny him on every occasion
when they should be impudent enough to seek admission to his presence.
We were no such high Favourites in Ratisbon after this; and I believe
that the Jesuits denounced us to the Inquisition at Rome,--in case we
should ever go that way,--that the Capuchins cursed us, and the
Benedictines preached against us. The Town Authorities began also to
look upon us with a cold eye of suspicion; and but for the sojourn of an
English Envoy in Ratisbon (we had diplomatic agents then all over the
Continent, and very little they did for their Money save Dance and
Intrigue) the Burgomaster and his Councillors might have gotten up
against us what the French do call _une querelle d'Allemand_, which may
be a Quarrel about Any thing, and is a Fashion of Disagreeing peculiar
to the Germans, who may take offence at the cock of your Hat or the cut
of your Coat, and make either of them a State affair. Indeed, I believe
that some Imprudent Expressions, made use of by my Master on seeing the
Horrible Engines of Torture shown to the curious in the vaults of the
castle, were very nearly being construed into High Treason by the
unfriendly clerical party, and that an Information by the Stadt-Assessor
was being actually drawn up against him, when, by much Persuasion
coupled with some degree of gentle Violence, we got him away from
Ratisbon altogether.
CHAPTER THE FIFTH.
OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY
OF PARIS.
FROM Ratisbon we travelled down the River Danube, in a very pleasant and
agreeable manner, in a kind of Wooden House mounted on a flat-bottomed
Barge, and not unlike a Noah's Ark. 'Twas most convenient, and even
handsomely laid out, with Parlours, and with Drawing-Rooms, and Kitchens
and Stoves, and a broad planked Promenade over all railed in, and with
Flowering Plants in pots by the sides, quite like a garden. They are
rowed by twelve men each, and move with an almost Incredible Celerity,
so that in the same day one can Delight one's Eye with a vast Variety of
Prospects; and within a short space of time the Traveller has the
diversion of seeing a populous City adorned with magnificent Palaces,
and the most Romantic Solitudes, which appear quite Apart from the
commerce of Mankind, the banks of the Danube being exquisitely disposed
into Forests, Mountains, Vineyards rising in Terraces one above the
other, Fields of Corn and Rye, great Towns, and Ruins of Ancient
Castles. Now for the first time did I see the Cities of Passau and of
Lintz, famous for the retreat of the Imperial Court when Vienna was
besieged by the Great Turk, the same that John Sobieski, King of Poland,
timeously Defeated and put to Rout, to the great shame of the Osmanlis,
and the Everlasting Glory of the Christian arms.
And now for Vienna. This is the capital of the German Emperor Kaiser, or
Caesar as he calls himself, and a mighty mob of under-Caesars or Archdukes
he has about him. In my young days the Holy Roman Empire was a
Flourishing concern, and made a great noise in the world; but now people
do begin to speak somewhat scornfully of it, and to hold it in no very
great Account, principally, I am told, owing to the levelling Principles
of the Emperor Joseph the Second, who, instead of keeping up the proper
State of Despotic Rule, and filling his Subjects' minds with a due
impression of the Dreadful Awe of Imperial Majesty, has taken to
occupying himself with the affairs of Mean and common persons,--such as
Paupers, Debtors, Criminals, Orphans, Mechanics, and the like,--quite
turning his back on the Exalted Tradition of undisputed power, and
saying sneeringly, that he only bore Crown and Sceptre because Royalty
was his Trade. This they call a Reforming Sovereign; but I cannot see
what good comes out of such wild Humours and Fancies. It is as though my
Lord Duke were to ask his Running Footmen to sit down at table with him;
beg the Coachman not to trouble himself about stable-work, but go wash
the carriage-wheels and currycomb the Horses himself; bid my Lady
Duchess and his Daughters dress themselves in Dimity Gowns and Mob caps,
while Sukey Mobs and Dorothy Draggletail went off to the drawing-room
in Satin sacks and High-heeled shoes; and, to cap his Absurdities,
called up all his Tenants to tell them that henceforth they were to pay
no Rent or Manor Dues at the Court Leet, but to have their Farms in
freehold for ever. No; it is certain the World cannot go on without
Authority, and that, too, of the Smartest. What would you think of a
ship where the Master Mariner had no power over his crew, and no license
to put 'em in the Bilboes, or have 'em up at the gangway to be Drubbed
soundly when they deserved it? And these Reforming Sovereigns, as they
call 'em, are only making, to my mind, Rods for their own Backs, and
Halters for their own Necks. Where would the Crown and Majesty be now, I
wonder, if His Blessed Majesty had given way to the Impudent Demands of
Mr. Washington and the American Rebels?[E]
The Streets of Vienna, when I first visited that capital, were very
close and narrow--so narrow, indeed, that the fine fronts of the Palaces
(which are very Grand) can scarcely be seen. Many of 'em deserve close
observation, being truly Superb, all built of Fine White Stone, and
excessive high, the town being much too little for the number of its
inhabitants. But the Builders seem to have repaired that Misfortune by
clapping one town on the top of another, most of the Houses being of
Five and some of Six Stories. The Streets being so narrow, the rooms are
all exceeding Dark, and never so humble a mansion but has half a dozen
families living in it. In the Handsomest even all Ranks and Conditions
are Mingled together pellmell. You shall find Field-Marshals,
Lieutenants, Aulic Councillors, and Great Court Ladies divided but by a
thin partition from the cabins of Tailors and Shoemakers; and few even
of the Quality could afford a House to themselves, or had more than Two
Floors in a House--one for their own use, and another for their
Domestics. It was the Dead Season of the year when we came to this
City, and so, at not so very enormous a rate, we got a suite of six or
eight large rooms all inlaid, the Doors and Windows richly carved and
gilt, and the Furniture such as is rarely seen but in the Palaces of
Sovereign Princes in other countries; the Hangings in finest tapestry of
Brussels, prodigious large looking-glasses in silver frames (in making
which they are exceeding Expert); fine Japan Tables, Beds, Chairs,
Canopies, and Curtains of the richest Genoa Damask or Velvet, almost
covered with gold lace or embroidery. The whole made Gay by Pictures, or
Great Jars of Porcelain; in almost every room large lustres of pure
Crystal; and every thing as dirty as a Secondhand Clothes dealer's booth
in Rag Fair.