It was his sixtieth birthday and in times agone he had fondly anticipated
the arrival of that occasion as marking a happy fruition of his talents
and a mature mellowing of his energies. Instead, however, he found
himself summoned to appear before the public executioner with the family
Bible and prove its records false or be humanely extinguished in the
interest of modern enlightenment. “This is too hard,” he murmured, “but
it would be infamous as well as futile to question the authority of
the Good Book, and besides I am too young to die. Though I appreciate
theoretically the demands of civilization, as a practical proposition the
idea has its limitations.”
It was with difficulty that he was enabled to restrain a tear when he
thought of the young wife whom he had taken unto himself just prior
to the enactment of the regulation for the removal of the innocuously
obsolete, and whom he now felt that he had procured under false
pretences. His pessimistic misgivings were accentuated by a picture of
her after he had gone to his reward striving for sustenance wherewith
to nurture the innocent infant cooing at her breast. But every remedy
was exhausted. The President had declined to interpose with as much as
a temporary respite, regretting his painful obligation but tactfully
reminding him of the majesty of the law, the interests of society and
the demands of the strenuous life. In due season he was led face to face
with the public chloroformer, who humanely inquired of him if he had
aught to observe by way of valedictory. Not anticipating such courteous
consideration, he was temporarily abashed, but recovering his dormant
speech, feebly but feelingly observed: “Only a single request. When I
shall have yielded up and taken flight to that somber realm whence no
traveler has as yet returned, spare my modest memory from the obituary
paragrapher, who would chronicle the lamented departure from our midst
of another consistent church member and well beloved citizen.” Saying
which he inhaled deeply and peacefully passed into the big slumber while
his fair young wife adopted the proud profession of a laundress and his
innocent babe was carefully safe-guarded in a local institution for the
homeless progeny of those who had they been permitted to ramble at large
would have been “only in the way.”