And _Cambden_ observes the Ancient Esteem +Farts+ were in, by
Lands held by one _Baldwin_ (_le Pettour_, i. e. the _FARTER_) at
_Hemingston_ in _Suffolk_, by the Tenure of coming into Court on a
certain Day, and performing _Saltus_, _Sufflatus_, & _Bumbulus_, i. e.
Capering, Puffing, and +Farting+. _Cambd._ p. 464. Its being contrary
to Custom is no Plea, since the same Authority which introduced
+hoop'd Petticoats+ can also bring FARTING in Fashion; and there wants
nothing more to make it pass current, than some celebrated Toast
of the Town to begin an example. We are very forward in imitating
our Neighbouring Nations in their Fashion and Dress, tho' never so
ridiculous, but _Back_-ward in this Point, which would be much more for
our Advantage: For a _Fart_ is a _Freeman_ in all the Towns _Corporate_
thro' _Holland_. _Yufrow Blowza Van Funk_, a Burgomaster's Wife of
_Rotterdam_, values her self as much upon the good _Report_ of her
_Bum-Battery_, as one of Our Ladies would for a sweet Voice, or an
agreeable Lisp, and is as industrious in shewing her Performance that
Way, as the other in shewing a white Hand, a rich Ring, or a neat
Snuff-Box. And the Ladies in _France_ maintain, that a promiscuous
Conversation on a Bog-House, savours as little of Impudence or Impiety
as over a Tea-Table.
* * * * *
Having proved the Lawfulness of +Farting+, and the ill Consequence of
suppressing it, I shall proceed, _Fourthly_, To set down the Advantages
the Ladies, are likely to reap by an unlimited Freedom that Way. For
first, it frees them from that long-winded Catalogue of Distempers
already mentioned, and prov'd to proceed from this Cause, which Benefit
alone were sufficient to recommend it to all those who value their
Health; but besides this, 'twill render _Peas Porridge_ as wholesome as
_Ginger-*bread_, and Bottel'd _Cyder_ as innocent as _Ratafia_; 'twill
also lower the Price of _Daffy_'s Elixir, and save them a vast yearly
Expence in _Ars-a-Fœtida_, and Spirits of _Harts-Horn_, to guard them
from the _Vapours_, since hereby they become their own _Apothecaries_,
to prepare a Medicine will twich them by the _Nose_ every whit as well
as their smelling Bottle. 'Tis also a great Promoter of Mirth, for I
have known one _single_ +Fart+, that made an Escape, raise a Laugh of
half an Hour; and the Celebrated Author of a Book, called, _Laugh and
Be Fat_, proves Laughing to be a very wholesome Exercise. Dr. _Blow_
in his Treatise of the Fundiment-alls of Musick asserts, that the
first Discovery of Harmony was owing to an Observation of Persons of
different Sizes sounding different Notes in Musick, by Farting; for
while one _farted_ in _B fa bimi_, another was observed to answer in
_F faut_ and make that agreeable Concord call'd a _fifth_, whence that
Musical Part had its Name of _Bum-fiddle_, and the first Invention of
the _Double Curtell_ was owing to this Observation: By this _Rule_ it
would be an easy Matter to form a _Farting_ Consort, by ranging Persons
of different Sizes in Order, as you would a Ring of Bells, or a Sett of
Organ Pipes; which Entertainment would prove much more Diverting round
a Tea-Table, than the usual one of Scandal, since the sweetest Harmony
is allow'd to proceed from the GUTS. Then that Lady will be reckoned
the most agreeable in Company, who is the readiest at _Reportee_; and,
to have a good _Report_ behind her _Back_ would be allow'd a _Strong_
Argument of her Merit.
* * * * *
Having thus explained the many Benefits that attend a Free Practice of
+Farting+, I think I need use no other Arguments to the Ladies, since
their own Ease, Interest, and Diversion plead in its Favour. I shall
therefore _Wind up my Bottom_, and conclude.
_We've often heard how the imprison'd Wind,
When in the Bowels of the Earth confin'd,
And wanting Vent, whate'er resists, it tears,
And overturns what th' Earth above it bears,
Whole Towns and People in the wide Rupture fall,
Tho' one small Vent, at first, had sav'd them all._
_So in the Microcosm of Man we find,
The like ill Fate attends a FART confin'd;
For Cholick, Vapours, Spleen and Melancholy
Do wreck those who suppress it, for their Folly._
_Hence learn what great Effects small things produce.
The Capitol was sav'd from taking by a Goose.
Then don't admire that one small whiffling FART
Can guard from Spleen the Citadel your Heart.
And though a Goose, let me in Time persuade you,
To guard from Foes, which do behind invade you,
That being of such appris'd, you may prepare,
With speed to plant your ROARING CANNONS there._
[Illustration]
####################################################################
MEDITATION on a T------d,
Wrote in a Place of +Ease+.
Since most agree, that 'tis a Crime
In any Place to spend one's Time
Without the Use of Contemplation,
And Pleasures of Imagination,
Since _Boyle_ and _Swift_ could each descant on
A Broomstick, Windmill, Hedge, or Lanthorn,
With the same Gravity as _Cato_,
Dying expostulates with _Plato_,
Why shou'd I in a Place of Ease
Exert my Talent less than these?
_Virgil_ himself, as we are told,
In _Ennius'_ Excrement found Gold,
And those are call'd _Gold-finders_ hence,
Who deal much in Sir Reverence;
Why then shou'd I, more Nice than Wise,
Disdain a T----d to Anatomize?
First then, methinks, as here I squeeze,
With both my Hands fix'd on my Knees
As I, with terrible Grimace,
Torture each Muscle of my Face;
Till happily at last I vent
The painful Load of Excrement,
So Statesmen too, with equal Pains,
And like advantage, rack their Brains,
Till big with Projects duly weigh'd,
The ponderous Burden they unlade.
Sometimes indeed, when ill-design'd,
Their Plots evaporate in Wind.
As bloated Guts, with Cholick swell'd,
With only Emptiness seem'd fill'd;
Till through Back-door of Fundament,
The airy Pain expires in Scent.
But most of all my present State,
Seems to the Poet's adequate;
As, sometimes Costive, I with Pain,
To ease my loaded Stomach Strain;
Sometimes my Guts more Laxative,
Their voluntary Tribute give;
So, oft the Poor Brain-costive Bard,
To vent his Excrement strains hard;
Unless some generous Patron urges,
Oh, then how easily he purges!
If Money makes it work, what Tool
So bound, he cannot have a Stool?
And as the same Effect in Things,
From various Causes often springs;
So, if the Influence of Ill Nature
His Panegyric sow'rs to Satyr,
This on him too will work so strong,
He'll squirt o'er all the Town his Dung----
What easy Stools has Dr. Y----!
All Human Titles, soon or later,
Contribute to the Jakes of Nature,
And though the Moralists will say,
Mankind is but a Lump of Clay,
To speak my meaning in a Word,
E'en Man himself's a very T----d;
And, as you know, the Bad and Good,
The nicest Bits, and coarsest Food,
That homeliest Peasants can content,
Or daintiest Epicures invent,
From Oglio's, Kickshaws, and Ragoûs,
To Onions, Trotters, Roots, and Sloes,
'Ith' Stomach equally frement,
Till all is turn'd to Excrement:
So Clowns, Coquets, Town-Bullies, Smarts,
With Spades, or Diamonds, Clubs, or Hearts,
Together Rot, not any Diff'rence
Betwixt Sir _Fopling_ and Sir _Rev'rence_.
Thus, to conclude my Stool and Story,
You find, by what I've laid before you;
The World, and all the World affords,
Is but one numerous Heap of T----ds.
_F I N I S._
[Illustration]
Transcriber’s Notes:
• Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
• Text enclosed by pluses is in small caps (+small caps+).
• Text enclosed by tildes is in gespertt (gespertt).
• All illustrations are just decorative.
• Ornate borders indicated by a line of '#'.
• Use of long 's' (ſ) has been replaced with a regular s.
• Perceived typographical errors have been corrected:
◦ "underwitten" changed to "underwritten"
◦ "Peruusal" changed to "Perusal"
• Otherwise, the original text has been preserved, including the
original spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.