A +Meditation+ on _T----d_, wrote in a
Place of EASE.
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(Price Six-pence.)
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A +Certificate+ from the +Court+
of the Princess _ARSEMINI_.
We whose Names are underwritten, finding by bodily Experience, as well
as by the Testimony of many open-hearted and sound bottom'd Persons of
both Sexes, the Virtues of the Prescriptions of our dear Cousin and
profoundly Learned Dr. _Don Fart in-hando Puff-indorst_, in all the
Distempers mention'd in his excellent Treatise hereunto subjoin'd, do,
for preventing any Breach in the Constitutions, of our Fellow Subjects,
as also of our beloved and confederate Town of _Gibralter_, recommend
a serious Perusal and uninterrupted Practice of the same from their
several Bum Batteries. Given under our Hands, the _20th_ of this windy
Month, _March, 1726/7_.
_Dorothy Dampfart_
_Eliza. Dorseit_
_Maria Bumfret_
_Letitia Turnout_
_Mary Selwind_
_D. Beaufort_
_Amelia Touchbum_
_Mary Ventworth_
_Fr. Manners_
_K. Windham_
_Sarah Smallbore_
_Ann Wappingtone_
_Margaret Proof_
_Jane Holdbritch_
_Grace Gunthorp_
_Alice Crackenthorp_
_Susan Chaffin_
_Henrietta Wardhole_
_Rebecca Rumball_
_Arabella Ventris_
_E. Arsepinall, D. D._
_J. Shitwell, M. D._
_H. Blow, M. D._
_Geo. Streinatall, M. D._
_J. Swift, D. D._
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_POSTSCRIPT_
BY WAY OF
PREFACE.
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Venti indignantes magno cum Murmure Ventris,
Circum Claustra fremunt, _media_ sedet _Æholus Arce_.
_Virgil. Æneid._ lib. 1.
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_Liberty and Property, are the two great Blessings, every_ British
_Subject claims, as his Birth right; why Mr._ Breech _should be denied
this Benefit, I see no Reason, but his Shame-facedness to appear in
his own Behalf. 'Tis true, he always sat in the House of_ Commons,
_being at all Elections unanimously chose as Representative for the
Burrough of_ Rumpfort, _but through Modesty was ever observ'd to keep_
behind Backs: _He never_ open'd _his Mouth in the House, but all
the Members round_ nos'd _him, and took_ Snuff _at every thing he_
offer'd, _because 'twas said, that in his younger Days, he had been a_
Button-maker (_though falsely_), _for I remember him from his Youth,
to have been a_ Wind-Merchant, _which he vented by_ Hole-Sail _and_
re-Tail. _This Use put him under a constraint of being Silent, though
he often_ grumbled inwardly _for it_.
_He had two Sons_; Sir Reverence, _being the Younger, was_ Knighted
_by K._ James; _the other was a_ Noisy, Rattling, Cracking _Fellow: He
applied himself to the Practice of_ Musick _and_ Phyz-ick, _and was
particularly famous for the Cure of the_ Wind-_C_Holeick, _but none
ever relish'd his Musical Performance. He married into the Family of
the_ Swifts, _and was so active in Running, that none could ever catch
him, if he once got the Start_.
_Beside these two, there was another_ Foisted _on him, but believing
him to be illegitimate, he was ashamed to own him; he died young, and
therefore made no_ Noise _in the World_.
_This Mr._ Breech, _the Father of these, was a Man of a good_ Report,
_though some are so malicious to say, he us'd to play at_ FAST _and_
LOOSE; _he was sometimes sickly, which was imputed to his being
formerly bit by a_ Tarantula, _because he was always observed to be
relieved by the playing of a_ Bag-pipe.
_The_ hole _History of his Life and Actions, has been lately
published by a_ Learned and Reverend Doctor, _wherein he makes him the
Eighth_ Wonder of the World, _and by way of Excellency over the other
Seven, has stil'd him, the Most Wonderful of them all; and though he
endeavour'd to conceal him under the dark Veil of an_ Enigma, _yet
we quickly_ smelt _out his_ Hole _Meaning_. Tom Punsibi _who first
taught him his_ Ars in Presenti, _was often very_ Smart _upon him with
his_ Puns, _and he could_ digest _every thing but that_; Tom _never
looked him in the Face, but he made him tremble; they never met but
Blows ensued, but_ Tom _was always sure to come off Conqueror; but not
withstanding_, Tom _has made a Convert of him, and_ instilled _into him
the Principles of_ Passive Obedience.
_Now the Design of the following_ Essay, _is to obtain Liberty for him
to_ vent _his_ Scent-iments _freely, and that he may be_ Heard _without
Offence, and not be_ bound _to keep Silence; since such a Freedom
will prove so serviceable to the_ Fair Sex. _If I have_ HANDLED _THE_
SUBJECT _to their good Liking I hope they will loudly_ Crack _of the
Benefit received, and That I shall judge a sufficient Reward for all my
Trouble, who am_
_their most Humble Servant_,
+Fart-in-hando Puff-indorst+.
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_N. B. Some celebrated Toasts, convinc'd of the Strength of the
ensuing Arguments, having attempted to bring the Practice herein
recommended into Fashion at C--rt, 'twould be the highest
Ingratitude, not to return Thanks (in this Edition demanded from
their kind Applauses) to such fair and powerful Advocates, or to
deny a Place for the following Lines on the laudable_ Performance
_of one of these famed Heroines_.
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ON
Miss _V------e_'s F----T,
IN THE
PHILIPPCK STILE.
Lovely Babe of Maid of Honour,
Every Grace shall smile upon her,
Sweetest Warbler of the Tail,
Soft as Breeze of _Southern_ Gale;
Or the fanning _Zephyrs_ Blast,
Over Beds of Spices past;
Gentle Puff of fragrant Air,
Squeez'd from Breech of Virgin Fair;
'Tis by Thee the Fair discover,
Proof of Vigour in a Lover;
Silent Fizzle, or speaking Fart,
Easily both Ease impart;
Sweet Fore-boder, joyful Sound,
To the Belly that's hard bound;
Cure of Cholick, Cure of Gripes,
Tuneful Drone of lower Pipes.
Thus the Winds in Cavern pent,
Widen Holes, and force a Vent;
Stealing Whisper, 'scape of Bum,
Soft as Flute, or loud as Drum;
Downwards breathing, backwards sigh,
Happy Smock that lies so nigh;
Happy she that can this Way,
Shut her Mouth, but loudly Bray.
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THE
Benefit of _FARTING_
EXPLAIN'D.
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_Si fartus Venter_ crepitu _luctante labor at_,
Ars _te Sanabit, vento spiracula dando.
Flatum ne retine; propellito fortiter hostem,
Rumbulus, et Ructus, crepitus strepitusq; Juvabunt._
English't thus, for the _Benefit_ of the Ladies.
_If you're opprest by rumbling Wind,_ }
_Strain hard, to squeeze it out behind._ }
_From Puffs, and crackling_ Farts, _Relief you'll find_. }
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It Has been observed of late Years, since the primitive wholsome
Custom of _Toast_ and _Nutmeg_ in a Morning has been superseded by that
pernicious Practice of _Tea_ and _Coffee_, that a numberless Train of
Distempers, scarce known to our Forefathers, as Spleen, Vapours, Hips,
_&c._ have become as universal among us as the Small Pox; the Weight
of which has fallen chiefly on the Fair Sex, for Reasons I shall give
hereafter. I wou'd not, on any score, be thought Guilty of a Design,
to run down those pleasant Liquors, or derogate the least Tittle, from
their due Praise, since I should thereby cause the Ladies to level the
whole _Artillery_ of their Resentment against me; but must say this in
their Favour, That, in the First place, they serve as an Amusement, to
divert two or three Hours, that would otherwise lye very heavy on their
Hands in a Morning; and Secondly, to purge of that sharp corroding
Humour call'd Scandal, which else (if two long retained) might
ulcerate their Memory; and, Thirdly, it promotes a free Circulation of
Intelligence, which, they'd have no Opportunity of coming at, being
debar'd the Benefit of going to Coffee-houses or the Exchange. But, as
the greatest Blessings are sometimes attended with some Inconveniency,
Wine that makes our Heart glad, can also rob us of our Reason; so these
most wholesome and pleasing Liquors, may, if not us'd with Caution,
produce ill Consequences, the Prevention of which for the Benefit of
that Sex, is the design of this Essay. As in Sipping of these Liquors
Hot, there is commonly as much _Wind_ as _Water_ sucked in, which thro'
Modesty being debar'd a Passage downwards, when Nature offers, recoils
up into the Bowels, Stomach and Head, and there occasions all those
dreadful Symptoms usually ascribed to the _Vapours_; all which one
seasonable FART might have prevented. It has likewise been assigned as
the first Cause of Quakerism, and Enthusiasm, as _Hudibras_ observes.
_As Wind in Hypchondria pent,
Is but a FART, if downward sent;
But, if supprest, it upward flies,
And vents itself in Prophecies._
I shall therefore, in the _first place_, enquire into the _Nature_ and
_Essence_ of a FART.
_Secondly_, Shew the ill Consequences of suppressing it.
_Thirdly_, Prove the Lawfulness of it. And
_Fourthly_, and _Lastly_, Shew the many Advantages will attend an act
of Toleration or free Liberty that way.
_First_, It is a Question greatly controverted among the Learned,
Whether a +Fart+ be a spiritual or a material Substance? The Professors
of Meta-Phyz-icks have argued warmly for its Spirituality; but the
Naturalists as strongly oppose them. The famous Mr. _Boyle_ brings it
in as an Example to prove the vast Subtilty of Matter, since a +Fart+,
which in the _Hydrostatical_ Ballance does not weigh the Thousandth
part of a Grain, shall, in one Minute, expand it self so far, as to
occupy the whole Atmosphere of a large DRAWING ROOM.
The _Chymists_ endeavoured to enquire into its Nature, by resolving
it into its first Principles, but they ever found it as Volatile, and
as hard to fix as _Mercury_; they all allow it to abound much in a
volatile Sulphur, which they infer, from the brisk Sensation, wherewith
it affects the Organs of Smelling, and from its burning _Blew_, as has
been found by Experiment.
_Cartesius_ begs it as a Principle for his Philosophy, and to make it
relish the better, new christened it by the name of _Materia Subtilis_,
and cooking up his System to the _French_ Taste, he concluded so
savoury an Ingredient would please their Palate; but it proved as
unlucky a Material, as the Salt-peter in the Fryar's Composition that
first discover'd _Gun-powder_; for, taking _Vent_, it _Blew_ up his
whole System, and exploded all his Philosophy.
The _Mathematicians_ steer'd a middle Course between the Naturalists
and the Meta Phiz-icians; they own'd a +Fart+ to be a Quantity yet
In[di]visible, and gave it the Name of a Mathematical Point, as having
neither _Length_, _Breadth_ nor _Thickness_.
I therefore define a +Fart+ to be, "A Nitro-aerial Vapour, exhal'd from
an adjacent Pond of Stagnant Water of a Saline Nature, and rarified
and sublimed into the Nose of a Microcosmical Alembic, by the gentle
Heat of a _STERCORARIOUS_ Balneum, with a strong Empyreuma, and forc'd
through the Posteriours by the Compressive Power of the expulsive
Faculty".
* * * * *
_Secondly_, Having explained the Nature and Essence of a +Fart+,
I shall next enquire into the ill Consequences of suppressing it,
which are almost obvious to every one's Experience; for in its
Retrogradation, it causes _CHOLICKS_, _HYSTERICKS_, _RUMBLINGS_,
_BELCHING_, _SPLEEN_, &c. but in Women of a more strong Constitution,
it vents itself intirely in Talkativeness; hence we have a Reason, why
Women are more Talkative than Men; for as the Poet observes,
'Words own Wind to be their Mother,
'Which, stop't at one end, burst out at t'other.
Hence comes the usual Saying, _Tell a Tale, or let a FART_; implying
the Necessity of Vent, one Way or t'other.
The remarkable Taciturnity of the late Widow +Fartwell+, is a
convincing Proof of this Doctrine; for having her Posteriours much
dilated and relaxed by a two frequent Use of Clysters in her Younger
Days, she was so debilitated her in retentive Faculty, that her Wind
passing too freely that Way, there wanted a sufficient Supply to set
the Wind-Mill of her Tongue a-going.
The frequent Fitts of Laughing and Crying, without any sensible Cause,
(Symptoms common to such as are troubled with the Vapours are) plainly
accountable from this Suppression; for the Windy Vapour getting into
the Muscles that assist in Laughing, inflates them, and occasions
their Laughing; but if this Vapour, when rais'd to the Head, is there
condensed by a cold melancholy Constitution, it distills thro' the Eyes
in Form of Tears.
* * * * *
_Thirdly_, As for the Lawfulness of +Farting+, none I hope will dispute
that Point with me, 'till they shew me a Law against it, which I am
satisfied they cannot do; and, Where there is no Law, there can be
no Transgression. The _Cannon Law_ (if I mistake not) is loudly for
it, and the Law of Nature seems to be of our Side, and though it
seems to be against the _Civil_ Law, yet the Severity of that Law was
provided against, by King _James_ the first; for a Gentleman dying by
suppressing a +Fart+ in his Presence, the King had immediately wrote
over the Gate in Capital Letters this Inscription,