in _Hanover-Court_ in _Grape-Street_,
vulgarly call'd _Grub-Street_,
Liveth an _AUTHOR_,
Who Writeth all manner of Books and Pamphlets, in
Verse or Prose, at Reasonable Rates: And furnisheth,
at a Minute's Warning, any Customer with Elegies,
Pastorals, Epithalamium's and Congratulatory Verses
adapted to all manner of Persons and Professions,
Ready Written, with Blanks to insert the Names of the
Parties Address'd to.
He supplieth Gentlemen Bell-Men with Verses on all
Occasions, at 12 _d._ the Dozen, or 10 _s._ the Gross;
and teacheth them Accent and Pronunciation _gratis_.
He taketh any side of a Question, and Writeth For or
Against, or both, if required.
He likewise Draws up Advertisements; and Asperses
after the newest Method.
He Writeth for those who cannot Write themselves, yet
are ambitious of being Authors; and will, if required,
enter into Bonds never to own the Performance.
He Transmogrifieth _alias_ Transmigrapheth any Copy;
and maketh many Titles to one Work, after the manner
of the famous Mr. E---- C----
N. B. _He is come down from the Garret to the First
Floor, for the Convenience of his Customers._
[->] _Pray mistake not the House; because there are
many Pretenders there-abouts._
No Trust by Retale.
* * * * *
* * * *
* * * * *
PUDDING
and
DUMPLING
_Burnt to_ POT.
* * * * *
* * * *
_Pudding_ and _Dumpling_
_Burnt to _POT_._
Or, A Compleat
K E Y
to the
DISSERTATION
on
_DUMPLING_.
Wherein
All the MYSTERY of that dark Treatise is brought
to Light; in such a Manner and Method, that
the meanest Capacity may know who and who's
together.
Published for the general Information of Mankind.
By _J. W._ Author of 684 Treatises.
_Yhuchi! dandi ocatchu gao emousey._
_LONDON:_
_Printed and Sold by A. DODD, without _Temple-Bar_,
and H. WHITRIDGE, the Corner of _Castle-Alley_,
in _Cornhill_._
M.DCC XXVII. [_Price 6 d._]
[Decoration]
PREFACE
It very much surprizes me that six Editions of a
Mythological Pamphlet, entituled, _A Dissertation on
Dumpling_, should escape your Notice of that wonderful
Unriddler of Mysteries the ingenious Mr. _E---- C---_
who has at the same Time given such Proofs of his
Abilities in his many and most elaborate Keys to
_Gulliver_'s Travels; Keys, which _Gulliver_ himself
could never have found out! and withal, so pertinent,
that I shall esteem those at the Helm, no great Lovers
of Learning, if my Friend _Edmund_ be not forthwith
promoted: for as the Sweetness of a Kernel is
uncomatable, but by the Fracture of its Shell, so is
the Beauty of a Mystery altogether hid, till the
Expounder has riddlemayreed the Propounder's Problem,
and render'd it obvious to the meanest Capacity.
The only Plea I can use in Mr. _C----'s_ behalf, is,
that the Author of the Dissertation has been a little
too free with his Character, which probably occasioned
that Sullenness in our _British Oedipus_; who in Order
to be revenged, has determined not to embelish the
Work with his Interpretation, but rather let it rot
and perish in Oblivion.
This, and nothing else, could be the Reason of so
profound a Silence in so great a Mysterymonger,
to remedy which Loss to the Publick, I an unworthy
Scribler, and faint Copier of that great Artist,
presume with aching Heart, and trembling Hand, to draw
the Veil which shades the political Pamphlet in
Question; and show it to my loving Countrymen in
_Puris Naturalibus_.
If I succeed in this, I hope Mr. _L----t_, who all the
World knows is a rare Chap to his Authors, will
speedily employ me to unriddle, or at least make a
Plot to the _Rival Modes_, which it seems the Author
has omitted: it is true, he ought to have given it the
Bookseller with the Copy, but has not so done, which
makes me wonder he is not sued for Breach of Covenant;
but what is that to me, if I get a Job by the Bargain?
Let Booksellers beware how they buy Plays without
Plots for the future.
I narrowly miss'd solving the Problem called _Wagner_
and _Abericock_; Mr. _B----_ had spoke to Mr. _W----_
to speak to Mr. _C----_, who had just consented to
employ me, after having made me abate half my demand:
But Houses running thin, _Colley_ had undertaken the
Job himself to save Charges; intending at the same
Time, to annex a severe Criticism on _Pluto_ and
_Proserpine_.
This, gentle Reader, will, I hope, induce you to look
on me as a Writer of some Regard, and at the same
Time, to make a little Allowance for whatever Errors
my great Hurry may occasion, being obliged to write
Night and Day, Sundays and working Days, without the
least Assistance. All our Journeymen Writers being now
turned Masters, I am left to shift for my self; but am
bringing up my Wife to the Business, and doubt not but
a long War, and our mutual Industry, may rub off old
Scores, and make us begin a new Reckoning with all
Mankind; Pamphleteering having been so dead for many
Years last past, that (God forgive me!) I have been
oftentimes tempted to write Treason for mere
Sustenance.
But Thanks to better Stars and better Days, the Pen
revives, and Authors flourish; more Money can be made
now of a Play, nay, though it be a scurvy One, than
_Dryden_ got by all his Works. Therefore now or never
is the Time to strike while the Iron is hot, to write
my self out of Debt, and into Place, and then grow
idle and laugh at the World, as my Betters have done
before me.
* * * * *
* * * *
[Decoration]
INTRODUCTION.
When a Book has met with Success, it never wants a
Father; there being those good natured Souls in the
World, who, rather than let Mankind think such
Productions sprang of themselves, will own the
Vagabond Brat, and thereby become Fathers of other
Mens Offsprings.
This was the Fate of Dumpling, whose real Father did
not take more Care to conceal himself, than some did
to be thought its Author; but if any one will
recollect the Time of its Publication, they will find
it within a Week after the Arrival of D----n _S----t_,
from _Ireland_; the Occasion, as I am very well
informed, was this, the D----n, one of the first
Things he did, went to pay a Visit to Mr. _T----_, his
old Bookseller; but, to his Surprize, found both the
Brothers dead, and a Relation in the Shop, to whom he
was an utter Stranger. Mr. _M----_ for such is this
Person's Name, gathering from the D--n's Enquiries who
he was, paid him his _Devoirs_ in the most respectful
Manner, solicited his Friendship, and invited him to a
Dinner, which the D----n was pleased to accept. By the
Way, you must know, he is a great Lover of Dumpling,
as well as the Bookseller, who had ordered one for
himself, little dreaming of such a Guest that Day. The
Dinner, as 'twas not provided on purpose, was but a
Family one, well enough however for a Bookseller; that
is to say, a couple of Fowls, Bacon and Sprouts
boiled, and a Forequarter of Lamb roasted. After the
usual Complements for the unexpected Honour, and the
old Apology of wishing it was better for his sake:
The Maid, silly Girl! came and asked her Master if he
pleased to have his Dumpling; he would have chid her,
but the D----n mollified him, insisting at the same
Time, upon the Introduction of Dumpling, which
accordingly was done. Dumpling gave Cause of
Conversation, but not till it was eat; for the Reader
must understand, that both the Gentlemen play a good
Knife and Fork, and are too mannerly to talk with
their Mouths full. The Dumpling eat, as I said before,
the D----n drank to the Bookseller, the Bookseller to
the Author, and with an obsequious Smile, seem'd to
say ah! Dear Doctor, you have been a Friend to my
Predecessor, can you do nothing for me? The D--n took
the Hint, and after a profound Contemplation, cry'd,
Why ay--Dumpling will do--put me in Mind of Dumpling
anon, but not a Word more at present, and good Reason
why, Dinner was coming in. So they past the rest of
the Meal with great Silence and Application, and no
doubt dined well. Far otherwise was it with me that
Day: I remember to my Sorrow, I had a Hogs Maw,
without Salt or Mustard; having at that Time, Credit
with the Pork-Woman, but not with the Chandler: Times
are since mended, _Amen_ to the Continuance!
The D----n, having eat and drank plentifully, began
his usual Pleasantries, and made the Bookseller
measure his Ears with his Mouth; nay, burst his Sides
with Laughter; however, he found Interval enough to
remind the D----n of Dumpling, who asked him if he had
a quick Hand at Writing: he excused himself, being
naturally as Lazy as the other was Indolent, so they
contrived to ease themselves by sending for a Hackney
Writer out of _Temple Lane_ to be the D--'s
_Amanuensis_, while he and his new Acquaintance
crack'd t'other Bottle.
This Account may be depended upon, because I had it
from the Man himself, who scorns to tell a Lye.
To be short, my Friend had the worst of it, being kept
to hard Writing, without Drinking (Churls that they
were) about three Hours; in which Time the
Dissertation was finished, that is to say, from Page
1. to Page 25. the rest might probably be done at some
other leisure Time, to fill up the Chinks, but of that
he knows nothing; sufficient is it that the D----n was
the Author. Proceed we now to the other Discoveries,
by drawing the Veil from before the Book it self.
* * * * *
* * * *
[Decoration]
A
K E Y
to the
DISSERTATION
on
_DUMPLING_.
I Shall begin with his Motto, which says, _What is
better than a Pudding?_ The Body owns its Power, the
Mind, its Delicacy; it will give Youth to grey Hairs,
and Life to the most Desponding: Therefore are Pudding
Eaters of great Use in State Affairs.
This Quotation is of a Piece with his Motto to the
Tale of a Tub, and other Writings; altogether
Fictitious and Drole: he adds to the Jest, by putting
an Air of Authority or genuine Quotation from some
great Author; when alas! the whole is mere Farce and
Invention.
The Dedication is one continued Sneer upon Authors,
and their Patrons, and seems to carry a Glance of
Derision towards Men of Quality in General; by setting
a Cook above them, as a more useful Member in a body
Politick. Some will have this _Braund_, to be Sir
****, others Sir ****, others Sir ****; but I take it
to be more Railery than Mystery, and that Mr.
_Braund_, at the _Rummer_ in _Queen-street_, is the
Person; who having pleas'd the Author in two or three
Entertainments, he, with a View truly _Epicurean_,
constitutes him his _Maecenas_; as being more agreeable
to him than a whole Circle of Stars and Garters, of
what Colour or Denomination soever.
In his Tale of a Tub, he has a fling at Dependance,
and Attendance, where he talks of a Body worn out with
Poxes ill cured, and Shooes with Dependance, and
Attendance. Not having the Book by me, I am forced to
quote at Random, but I hope the courteous Reader will
bear me out. He complains of it again in this
Treatise, and makes a Complement to Mr. _Austin_, Mr.
_Braund_'s late Servant; who keeps the _Braund_'s Head
in _New Bond-street_, near _Hanover-Square_; a House
of great Elegance, and where he used frequently to
dine.
The Distinction of _Brand_, _Braund_, and _Barnes_, is
a Banter on Criticks, and Genealogists, who make such
a Pother about the Orthography of Names and Things,
that many Times, three Parts in four of a Folio
Treatise, is taken up in ascertaining the Propriety of
a Syllable, by which Means the Reader is left
undetermined; having nothing but the various Readings
on a single Word, and that probably, of small
Importance.
I heartily wish some of these Glossographists would
oblige the World with a Folio Treatise or two, on the
Word Rabbet: We shall then know whether it is to be
spelt with an _e_, or an _i_. For, to the Shame of the
_English_ Tongue and this learned Age, our most
eminent Physicians, Surgeons, Anatomists and Men
Midwives, have all been to seek in this Affair.
St. _Andre_, }
_Howard_, } Spell it
_Braithwaite_, } with
_Ahlers_ and } an _e_.
_Manningham_, }
_Douglas_ }
and the } Spell it
Gentleman who } with
calls himself } an _i_.
_Gulliver_, }
And some of these great Wits, have such short
Memories, that they spell it both Ways in one and the
same Page.
The Master-Key to this Mystery, is the Explanation of
its Terms; for Example, by _Dumpling_ is meant a
Place, or any other Reward or Encouragement.
A _Pudding_ signifies a P----t, and sometimes a
C----tee. A _Dumpling Eater_, is a Dependant on the
Court, or, in a Word, any one who will rather pocket
an Affront than be angry at a Tip in Time. A _Cook_ is
a Minister of State. The _Epicurean_ and _Peripatetic_
Sects, are the two Parties of _Whigg_ and _Tory_, who
both are greedy enough of Dumpling.
The Author cannot forbear his old Sneer upon
Foreigners, but says, in his 1st Page, "That finding
it a Land of Plenty, they wisely resolved never to go
home again," and in his 2d, "Nay, so zealous are they
in the Cause of _Bacchus_, that one of the Chief among
them, made a Vow never to say his Prayers till he has
a Tavern of his own in every Street in _London_, and
in every Market-Town in _England_:" If he does not
mean Sir J---- T---- I know not who he means.
By the Invention of _Eggs_, Page 4. is meant
Perquisites. "He cannot conclude a Paragraph in his
5th _Page_, without owning he received that important
Part of the History of Pudding, from old Mr.
_Lawrence_ of _Wilsden Green_, the greatest Antiquary
of the present Age."
This old _Lawrence_ is a great Favourite of the D--s;
he is a facetious farmer, of above eighty Years of
Age, now living at _Wilsden Green_, near _Kilburn_ in
_Middlesex_, the most rural Place I ever saw: exactly
like the Wilds of _Ireland_. It was here the
D--n often retired _incog._ to amuse himself with the
Simplicity of the Place and People; where he got
together all that Rigmayroll of Childrens talk, which
composes his _Namby Pamby_. Old _Lawrence_ told me,
the D--n has sate several Hours together to see the
Children play, with the greatest Pleasure in Life: The
rest he learned from the old Nurses thereabouts, of
which there are a great many, with whom he would go
and smoke a Pipe frequently, and cordially; not in
his Clergyman's Habit, but in a black Suit of Cloth
Clothes, and without a Rose in his Hat: Which made
them conclude him to be a Presbyterian Parson.
This Mention of old _Lawrence_, is in Ridicule to a
certain great Artist, who wrote a Treatise upon the
Word _Connoisseur_ (or a Knower) and confesses himself
to have been many Years at a loss for a Word to
express the Action of Knowing, till the great Mr.
_Prior_ gave him Ease, by furnishing him with the Word
_Connoissance_. Our D--n had drawn a Drole, Parallel
to this, _viz._ _Boudineur_, a Pudding Pyeman; and
_Boudinance_, the making of Pudding Pies: But several
Men of Quality begging it off, it was, at their
Request, scratch'd out, but my Friend, the
_Amanuensis_, remembers particularly its being
originally inserted.
If the Reader should ask, Who is that K-- _John_
mentioned in the fourth Page, and which I ought to
have taken in its Place. I beg leave to inform him,
that by K. _John_ is meant the late Q. ----, with whom
the D-- of _M----_ was many Years in such great
Favour, that he was nick named K. _John_; it was in
that Part of the Q--'s Reign, that Sir _John_ Pudding,
by whom is meant **** _you know who_, came in Favour;
it is true, the Name is odd, and seems to carry an Air
of Ridicule with it, but the Character given him by
this allegorical Writer, is that of an able Statesman,
and an honest Man.
And here, begging Mr. D--n's Pardon, I cannot but
think his Wit has out run his Judgment; for he puts
the Cart before the Horse, and begins at the latter
Part of Sir **** Administration: But this might be
owing to too plentiful a Dinner, and too much of the
Creature. Be that as it will, I must follow my Copy,
and explain it as it lies. Proceed we therefore to the
Dissertation, _Page 6._
"But what rais'd our Hero most in the Esteem of this
Pudding-eating Monarch, was his second Edition of
Pudding, he being the first that ever invented the Art
of broiling Puddings, which he did to such Perfection,
and so much to the King's liking (who had a mortal
Aversion to cold Pudding) that he thereupon instituted
him Knight of the Gridiron, and gave him a Gridiron of
Gold, the Ensign of that Order; which he always wore
as a Mark of his Sovereign's Favour."
If this does not mean the late Revival of an ancient
Order of Knighthood, I never will unriddle Mystery
more: To prove which, we need but cross over to the
next Page, where he tells us, "Sir _John_ had always a
Squire, who followed him, bearing a huge Pair of
Spectacles to saddle his Honour's Nose." _Diss.
Page 7._
After this, he very severely runs upon those would-be
Statesmen, who put themselves in Competition with his
Favourite, Sir ****, with whom he became exceeding
intimate, and almost inseperable, all the Time he was
in _England_.
The Story of the Kit Cat Club, _Dick Estcourt_, and
_Jacob Tonson_, is a mere Digression; and nothing more
to the Purpose, than that we may imagine it came
uppermost. He returns to his Subject in his 9th
_Page_.
"Now it was Sir _John_'s Method, every _Sunday_
Morning, to give the Courtiers a Breakfast; which
Breakfast was every Man his Dumpling, and Cup of Wine:
For you must know, he was Yeoman of the Wine-Cellar at
the same Time."
The Breakfast is Sir *** Levee, the Yeomanship of the
Wine-Cellar, is the ***.
The Author of the Dissertation, is a very bad
Chronologist; for at _Page_ 10. we are obliged to go
back to the former Reign, where we shall find the
lubberly Abbots (_i.e._) the High Church Priests,
misrepresenting Sir _John_'s Actions, and never let
the Q---- alone, till poor Sir _John_ was discarded.
"This was a great Eye-sore, and Heart-burning to some
lubberly Abbots, who lounged about the Court; they
took it in great Dudgeon they were not invited, and
stuck so close to his Skirts, that they never rested
till they outed him. They told the King, who was
naturally very hasty, that Sir _John_, made-away with
his Wine, and feasted his _Paramours_ at his Expence;
and not only so, but they were forming a Design
against his Life, which they in Conscience ought to
discover: That Sir _John_ was not only an Heretic, but
an Heathen; nay, worse, they fear'd he was a Witch,
and that he had bewitch'd his Majesty into that
unaccountable Fondness for a _Pudding-Maker_. They
assured the King, that on a _Sunday_ Morning, instead
of being at Mattins, he and his Trigrimates got
together hum jum, all snug, and perform'd many hellish
and diabolical Ceremonies. In short, they made the
King believe that the Moon was made of Green-Cheese:
And to shew how the Innocent may be bely'd, and the
best Intentions misrepresented, they told the King,
That he and his Associates offered Sacrifices to
_Ceres_: When, alas, it was only the Dumplings they
eat.
"The Butter which was melted and poured over them,
these vile Miscreants, called _Libations_: And the
friendly Compotations of our Dumpling Eaters, were
called _Bacchanalian Rites_. Two or three among them
being sweet tooth'd, would strew a little Sugar over
their Dumplings; this was represented as an
_Heathenish Offering_. In short, not one Action of
theirs, but which these rascally Abbots made criminal,
and never let the King alone till Sir _John_ was
discarded; not but the King did it with the greatest
Reluctance; but they made it a religious Concern, and
he could not get off on't." _Diss. pag._ 10.
All the World knows that the _Tory_ Ministry got
uppermost, for the four last Years of the Queen's
Reign, and by their unaccountable Management, teaz'd
that good Lady out of her Life: Which occasion'd the
D--n in his eleventh Page to say; "Then too late he
saw his Error; then he lamented the Loss of Sir
_John_; and in his latest Moments, would cry out, Oh!
that I had never parted from my dear _Jack-Pudding_!
Would I had never left off Pudding and Dumpling! then
I had never been thus basely poison'd! never thus
treacherously sent out of the World!----Thus did this
good King lament: But alas! to no purpose, the Priest
had given him his Bane, and Complaints were
ineffectual."
This alludes to Sir **** Imprisonment and Disgrace in
the Year ---- Nay, so barefaced is the D--n in his
Allegory, that he tells us, in his 12th Page,
_Norfolk_ was his Asylum. This is as plain as the Nose
on a Man's Face! The subsequent Pages are an exact
Description of the Ingratitude of Courtiers; and his
Fable of the _Court Pudding_, Page 13. is the best
Part of the whole Dissertation.
One would imagine the D--n had been at Sea, by his
writing Catharping-Fashion, and dodging the Story
sometimes Twenty-Years backwards, at other Times
advancing as many; so that one knows not where to have
him: for in his fifteenth Page, he returns to the
present Scene of Action, and brings his Hero into the
Favour of K---- _Harry_, _alias_ **** who being
sensible of his Abilities, restores him into Favour,
and makes Use of his admirable Skill in Cookery,
_alias_ State Affairs.
"Not one of the King's Cooks could make a Pudding like
Sir _John_; nay, though he made a Pudding before their
Eyes, yet they, out of the very same Materials, could
not do the like: Which made his old Friends, the
Monks, attribute it to Witchcraft and it was currently
reported the Devil was his Helper. But good King
_Harry_ was not to be fobb'd off so; the Pudding was
good, it sat very well on his Stomach, and he eat very
savourly, without the least Remorse of Conscience."
_Diss. Page_ 15.
This seems to hint at the Opposition Sir **** met with
from the contrary Party, and how sensible the K----
was, that they were all unable to hold the Staff in
Competition with him.
After this the D--n runs into a whimsical Description
of his Heroes personal Virtues; but draws the Picture
too much _Alla Carraccatura_, and is, in my Opinion,
not only a little too familiar, but wide of his
Subject. For begging his Deanship's Pardon, he
mightily betrays his Judgment, when he says, Sir
_John_ was no very great Scholar, whereas all Men of
Learning allow him to be a most excellent one; but as
we may suppose he grew pretty warm by this Time with
the Booksellers Wine, he got into his old Knack of
Raillery, and begins to run upon all Mankind: In this
Mood he falls upon _C---- J----n_, and Sir _R----
Bl----re_, a pair of twin Poets, who suck'd one and
the same Muse. After this he has a Fling at _Handel_,
_Bononcini_ and _Attilio_, the Opera Composers; and a
severe Sneer on the late High-Church Idol,
_Sacheverel_. As for _Cluer_, the Printer, any Body
that knows Music, or _Bow Church Yard_, needs no
farther Information.
And now he proceeds to a Digression, which is indeed
the Dissertation it self; proving all Arts and
Sciences to owe their Origin and Existence to
_Pudding_ and _Dumpling_ (_i.e._) Encouragement. His
_Hiatus_ in the 20th Page, I could, but dare not
Decypher.
In his 22nd Page, he lashes the Authors who oppose the
Government; such as the _Craftsman_, _Occasional
Writer_, and other Scribblers, past, present, and to
come. _The Dumpling-Eaters Downfal_, is a Title of his
own Imagination; I have run over all _Wilford_'s
Catalogues, and see no Mention made of such a Book:
All that Paragraph therefore is a mere Piece of
Rablaiscism.
In his 23d Page, he has another confounded Fling at
Foreigners; and after having determinately dubb'd his
Hero, the Prince of Statesmen, he concludes his
Dissertation with a Mess of Drollery, and goes off in
a Laugh.
In a Word, the whole Dissertation seems calculated to
ingratiate the D--n in Sir **** Favour; he draws the
Picture of an able and an honest Minister, painful in
his Countries Service, and beloved by his Prince; yet
oftentimes misrepresented and bely'd: Nay, sometimes
on the Brink of Ruin, but always Conqueror. The Fears,
the Jealousies, the Misrepresentations of an enraged
and disappointed Party, give him no small Uneasiness
to see the Ingratitude of some Men, the Folly of
others, who shall believe black to be white, because
prejudiced and designing Knaves alarm 'em with false
Fears. We see every Action misconstrued, and Evil made
out of Good; but as the best Persons and Things are
subject to Scandal and Ridicule; so have they the
Pleasure of Triumphing in the Truth, which always will
prevail.