In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one
thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where his word
begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and
allege that the curse of God by the law doth belong to, and lay hold
on all men as they come into the world, because of sin.
Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great feeling; for the
terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my
conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel; even
that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went myself
in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my
own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly
say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach,
I have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit-door, and
there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind
until I have done my work; and then immediately, even before I could
get down the pulpit-stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet
God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt
nor hell could take me off my work.
Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men's
sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which the Lord
came in upon my soul with some sure peace and comfort through
Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed
grace through him: wherefore now I altered my preaching--for still I
preached what I saw and felt. Now, therefore, I did much labor to
hold forth Jesus Christ in all his offices, relations, and benefits
unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and
remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both
lean and by them fall and perish. On these things also I staid as
long as on the other.
When I have been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all the
time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to
God that he would make the word effectual to the salvation of the
soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away
from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I
have labored so to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were
possible, the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.
And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to think
the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing from
my heart, Oh, that they who have heard me speak this day did but see
as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God are; and also
what the grace, and love, and mercy of God are, through Christ; to
men in such a case as they are who are yet estranged from him. And
indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, that if I
should be hanged up presently before their eyes, and it would be a
means to awaken them and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should
be contented.
For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged
in the doctrine of life by Christ without works, as if an angel of
God had stood at my back to encourage me. Oh, it hath been with such
power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been
laboring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the
consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying, I
believe, and am sure. Methought I was more than sure--if it be
lawful thus to express myself--that those things which then I
asserted were true.
If any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that fall
back--as sometimes too many did--I can truly say, their loss hath
been more to me than if my own children, begotten of my body, had
been going to their grave. I think verily I may speak it without any
offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it
was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have
counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places
where my children were born: my heart hath been so wrapped up in the
glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and
honored of God by this, than if he had made me emperor of the
Christian world or the lord of all the glory of the earth without
it. Oh these words: "He that converteth the sinner from the error of
his way, shall save a soul from death." "The fruit of the righteous
is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise." "They that be
wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that
turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever." "For
what is our hope, our joy, our crown of rejoicing? Are not even ye
in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming? For ye are
our glory and joy." These, I say, with many others of a like nature,
have been great refreshments to me.
I have observed that a word cast in by the by, hath done more
execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes
also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all;
and at other times, when I thought I could catch them, I have fished
for nothing.