=An Evening with a Conjuror.=
SCENE--_A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. The
Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps
number--including the Attendants--eighteen. The only people in
the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries
to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush
opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the
gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses
dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted
to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his hat
and coat, he suddenly thinks better--or worse--of it, puts them
on again, and vanishes hurriedly._
FIRST SARDONIC ATTENDANT (_at doorway_). Reg'lar turnin' em away
to-night, _we_ are!
SECOND SARDONIC ATTENDANT. He come up to me afore he goes to the
pay-box, and sez he--"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to 'im,
"Well, I _think_ we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that,
I sez.
[_The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with
pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano._
HERR VON KAMBERWOHL_, the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud
clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row_.
HERR V. K. (_in a mixed accent_). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I
co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin' I 'ave most hemphadically to
repoodiate hall assistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins
vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by
simple Sloight of 'and or Ledger-dee-Mang! (_He invites any member of
the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain coy._)
I see zat I 'ave not to night so larsh an orjence to select from as
usual, still I 'ope--(_Here one of the obvious Confederates slouches up,
and joins him on the platform._) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair much oblige
to you, Sare. (_The Confederate grins sheepishly._) Led me see--I seem
to remember your face some'ow. (_Broader grin from Confederate._) Hah
you vos 'ere last night?--zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist
me befoor, eh? (_Reckless shake of the head from Confederate._) I
thought nod. _Vair_ vell. You 'ave nevaire done any dricks mit
carts--no? Bot you will dry? You never dell vat you gan do till you dry,
as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (_He pauses for a
laugh--which doesn't come._) Now, Sare, you know a cart ven you see 'im?
Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to choose any cart or
carts out of zis back. (_The Confederate fumbles._) I don't vish to
'urry you--but I vant you to mike 'aste--&c., &c.
THE MAN IN EVENING DRESS. I remember giving Bimbo, the Wizard of the
West, a guinea once to teach me that trick--there was nothing in it.
FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. And can you _do_ it?
THE M. IN E. D. (_guardedly_). Well, I don't know that I could exactly
do it _now_--but I know how it's done.
[_He explains elaborately how it is done._
HERR V. K. (_stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may leave off_).
Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze inexhaustible 'At,
to gonclude viz the Invisible 'En. And I shall be moch oblige if any
shentilmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for ze purpose of my
exberiment.
THE M. IN E. D. Here's mine--it's quite at your service. [_To his
companions._] This is a stale old trick, he merely--(_explains as
before_). But you wait and see how I'll score off him over it!
[Illustration: "LED ME SEE--I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOUR FACE SOME'OW."]
HERR V. K. (_to the_ M. in E. D.). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf
nossing insoide of your 'at?
THE M. IN E. D. (_with a wink to his neighbours_). On the contrary,
there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll thank
you to give me back by-and-by.
HERR V. K. (_diving into the hat_). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of
flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer--_and_ anozzer! Ha, do you
alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
THE M. IN E. D. Invariably--to keep my head cool; so hand them over,
please; I want them.
[_His Companions titter, and declare "it really is too bad of him!"_
HERR V. K. Bresently, Sare,--zere is somtings ailse, it feels
loike--yes, it ees--a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice,
Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
THE M. IN E. D. (_with rather feeble indignation_). I never said there
were.
HERR V. K. No, zere is no mahouse--bot--[_diving again_]--ha! a leedle
vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad--and one, two, dree
_more_ vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May
I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike the vide rads
myself, it is madder of daste. [_The Audience snigger._] Oh, bot
vait--zis is a _most_ gonvenient 'at--[_extracting a large
feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen_]--ze shentelman is
vairy domestic I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot business man, he
knows ow von must hadvertise in zese' ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I
vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
[_He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers
amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen--chiefly in
the eye--until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them._
THE M. IN E. D. (_much annoyed_). Infernal liberty! Confounded
impudence! Shouldn't have had _my_ hat if I'd known he was going to play
the fool with it like this!
FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. But I thought you knew what was coming?
THE M. IN E. D. So I did--but this fellow does it differently.
[HERR VON K. _is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a
blunderbuss into a crystal casket_.
A LADY WITH NERVES (_to her husband_). John, I'm _sure_ he's going to
let that thing off!
JOHN (_a Brute_). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. _I_ can't
help it.
THE L. WITH N. You could if you liked--you could tell him my nerves
won't stand it--the trick will be every _bit_ as good if he only
_pretends_ to fire, I'm sure.
JOHN. Oh, nonsense!--You can stand it very well if you _like_.
THE L. WITH N. I _can't_, John.... There, he's raising it to his
shoulder. John, I _must_ go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I _know_
I shall!
JOHN. No, no--what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get to
the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming sitting
down. (_The Conjuror fires._) There, you see, you _didn't_ scream, after
all!
THE L. WITH N. I screamed to _myself_--which is ever so much worse for
me; but you never _will_ understand me till it's too late!
[HERR VON K. _performs another trick_.
FIRST LADY IN PLUSH CLOAK. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't
_imagine_ how it was done!
THE M. IN E. D. (_in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still
rankling_). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world--any child could
do it!
SECOND LADY. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they were
all corded up, and sealed!
THE M. IN E. D. You don't mean to say you were taken in by _that_! Why,
it was another rabbit, of course!
FIRST LADY. But even if it _was_ another rabbit, it was wearing the
borrowed watch round its neck.
THE M. IN E. D. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes have
false bottoms.
SECOND L. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.
THE M. IN E. D. Boxes--but not _those_ boxes.
FIRST L. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was holding it
all the time in a paper bag?
THE M. IN E. D. Ah, _I_ saw how it was done--but it would take too long
to explain it now. I _have_ seen it so well performed that you
_couldn't_ spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!
HERR V. K. (_who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing_). Lyties
and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like
myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now--[_suddenly
abandoning his accent_]--I am always griteful for hanythink that will
distrack the attention of the orjence from what is going on upon the
Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions
too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' dress
jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he _'as_ been doin', so
that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of 'is hexplanation more
puffickly than what some of you in the back benches have done itherto.
Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinteresting remarks in a
more haudible tone, I can go on between like. [_Murmurs of "No no!"
"Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" from various places_; THE MAN IN
EVENING DRESS _subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which continues
during the remainder of the performance_.
At the Tudor Exhibition.