SCENE:--The same; MRS. SELWYN is discovered seated at secretaire
writing; GRACE looking over her shoulder.
MRS. S. That will do, I think! (Strikes bell.)
Enter DIBBS.
DIBBS. Yes'm!
MRS. S. Dibbs, I have a somewhat confidential errand to
send you upon. You know the young gentleman who sent in his
card this morning?
DIBBS. Yes, ma'am--good looking gent--touch of the brogue
about him!
MRS. S. That's right! Take this letter to the address upon
it, and give it into his own hands--remember, _his own hands_.
DIBBS. Suttingly, mum! (Going towards door.)
MRS. S. And, Dibbs,--ahem--you need not mention your errand
to my husband.
DIBBS. Not for the world, ma'am. (Aside.) Another secret!
If this don't get me a rise at the end of the month nothing
will!
(Exit at back.
GRACE. It _is_ good of you, mamma, to help us at a time
when papa seems so unreasonable--I will never have Mr. Bellamy,
never!
MRS. S. You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes
one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)
Enter FRED still with Directory and hat in his hands;
he falls exhausted in arm chair.
FRED. Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies
and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace!
(They take no notice of him.) They don't hear me apparently!
(Aloud.) It's very cool to-day, don't you think so? (They turn
their backs on him and give him the cut direct; MRS. SELWYN,
R., GRACE, L.) This is strange! May I ask if Mr. Selwyn has
gone out? (They remain silent.) Is this a joke or a new parlor
game? (Speaking loudly.) I beg pardon, but is Mr. Selwyn
at home?
MRS. S. (turning towards him with icy coldness). Were you
addressing _us_, Mr. Bellamy?
FRED. Yes! that was my intention!
MRS. S. I am surprised you should dare to show your face
here!
GRACE. Even if you _did_ save papa's life you have no right
to make _me_ miserable!
MRS. S. No _gentleman_ would attempt to force his affections
where they are not wanted!
FRED. Excuse me!
MRS. S. Especially after such deceit which has luckily been
discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your
own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.
FRED (puzzled). Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more
explicit!
MRS. S. We have said all that need be said to anyone with
a spark of proper feeling. Good day, Mr. Bellamy!
GRACE (imitating her mother). Good day, sir! (They courtesy
very formally and go out, L. U. E.)
FRED (following them he has door slammed in his face, then
putting down hat and Directory). What _does_ this mean? I'm
sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my
return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man
for whom I am slaving! I won't put up with it! No! Thirty-seven
Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective
abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too!
(Noting card left by BLITHERS.) What's this, "Bosco Blithers!"
What does it mean? He's my Lottie's father-in-law--what can
_he_ want here? Pshaw! He can't have called here at all,
I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)
SEL. (entering exhausted, C.). I'm done up! They ought not
to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo!
Do you know where that Dibbs is?
FRED. Not the least idea!
SEL. (wiping his forehead). I want to know if a young--a
female has been here for me--have you seen one?
FRED. How the deuce can I tell? Haven't I just returned
from my Tompkins's hunting?
SEL. I thought I saw her in a cab and ran a mile before I
could get a peep inside. Oh, Fred! old man, if you knew how my
heart was aching, and my corns were shooting, you would pity me!
FRED. Look here, Mr. Selwyn, I can't stay here to hound
down the entire Tompkins's tribe. I shall leave town to-night!
SEL. What? Desert me in the moment of danger?
FRED. I'm no welcome guest in this house--the ladies don't
like me!
SEL. Not like you! They _must_ like you, they shall dote
on the very ground you walk on!
FRED. I don't expect that, but I object to being openly
snubbed.
SEL. Oh, it will soon blow over--don't take any notice--it's
their way--mere whim--women are so whimmy!
FRED. But you know when it comes to----
SEL. (rising and crossing to him). I apologize! There!
I don't know _what_ they did, but whatever it was I profess
the utmost regret that it should have occurred--this is no time
for us to part, we are each seated on a volcano--(Whispering.)
_She's written to me!_
FRED. Who?
SEL. _The girl I met last night!_ She said she wanted to see
me at once--but forgot to put her number in Bond street in her
letter, so I have been trotting up and down for three hours
inquiring for her by her Christian name, as I know no other.
I want to buy her silence! That's volcano number one!
FRED. What's the other Vesuvius?
SEL. "_Tompkins_" has been here! You know Tompkins,
the duelist.
FRED. No!
SEL. I offered to apologize to him, too, but he was one of
those bland but bloodthirsty fellows who thirst for human
gore--he wouldn't hear of it--I got his address, I flew
to humiliate myself on his doorstep, but he had given me a
false one.
FRED. A false doorstep!
SEL. No, a false address--but we must find the real one--go
on, dear boy, go on with your search. (Handing Directory and
hat.) Take your implements! Stanley discovered Livingstone,
why shouldn't Bellamy discover Tompkins?
FRED. It's as bad as the treadmill--they all live in lodgings
and just under the tiles, these beastly Tompkinses!
SEL. How many of the infernal family have you found already?
FRED. Thirty-seven!
SEL. Did you question them?
FRED. Minutely! Three of them acknowledged to having had
a fight last night.
SEL. Ah!
FRED. One with a sweep, one with a dog, and one with
his wife!
SEL. There are two hundred and fifty-two left
to cross-examine. I have heard more about him since you
left--he's a poet! Author of the _Frost-bitten Nose_, or
something that sends a shiver down your back and makes your
spine jingle like a Christy minstrel's bones!
FRED (aside). If he thinks I'm going for ever on this
Tompkins's hunting, he's much mistaken! I shall go straight
to my Lottie and stop there! (Crosses to R.) That's what I
shall do!
SEL. That's right! Once more into the breach, dear boy!
If you are tired take a cab--I'll go halves in it with you!
(Exit FRED, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man
marry my daughter? No!
DIBBS (entering, L. U. E.). Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?
SEL. Just gone out! What do you want?
DIBBS. It's another messenger with another letter "from
the same lady as before" he said! (SELWYN seizes and tears
it open nervously aside.) Now, I'll just go and tell Captain
Katskill the governor's alone. Missus told me to watch for
an opportunity.
(Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.
SEL. She says she knows I must be ill or I would come to
her--she will be here in an hour! Horror upon horror's head!
No address again! Oh, why won't women complete their letters?
(Re-enter DIBBS, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where's the messenger?
DIBBS. Gone, sir!
SEL. Perhaps I could catch him--I'll do a bit of sprinting!
(Rushes off, C.)
DIBBS. Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes
after him, C.)
Enter BLITHERS, L. U. E., with hat as before.
BLITH. Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don't trouble,
I know the way! Sir, I--nobody here! Well, I must wait.
(Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats
himself on sofa.) This time I will _not leave_ without my own
hat. I can't attend at Dr. Swishby's in this! The boys would
pelt me! I have already missed two private lessons and my wife
has been blowing me up as high as a kite. (Puts hat on chair
L. of table R.)
Enter CAPTAIN KATSKILL, L. U. E.
CAPT. K. (he speaks with slight Irish accent). There he is!
Now for it! Charge!
BLITH. (seeing CAPTAIN KATSKILL). Hullo! an arrival!
CAPT. K. Sir, I salute you!
BLITH. (most politely). Sir, I do ditto! (They bow.)
CAPT. K. A quare collection of fatures to have on one face.
What of that? It's the daughter I want, not the father.
BLITH. (aside). This must be Mr. Selwyn's son, I presume!
CAPT. K. Excuse me want of boldness----
BLITH. Not at all! Fine day?
CAPT. K. Sor, it is within your power to make it the finest
day of all me life!
BLITH. Eh? (Aside.) An excitable young man! (Aloud.)
How's your father?
CAPT. K. When we last heard from Ballybog--that was two
weeks ago----
BLITH. Two weeks!
CAPT. K. You know he was over there, did you not?
BLITH. I cannot say I did! (Aside.) It isn't Selwyn's son
at all! (Aloud.) Might I inquire your name, sir?
CAPT. K. Didn't ye know it? Captain Katskill, of the
55th--the fighting 55th!
BLITH. (as if he recognized him). Oh! indeed, I am delighted
to hear it! (Aside.) Who is he?
CAPT. K. You can, of course, guess the object of my visit?
BLITH. Well, yes--and on the other hand _no_! (Aside.) He
evidently knows _me_. (Aloud.) Of course, I should be in a
better position to answer if----
CAPT. K. Sir, excuse egotism, but in such a position as
mine it is necessary to talk of one's self! I am an only son.
BLITH. Fortunate privilege!
CAPT. K. My father was a soldier like myself and an
honorable man----
BLITH. I do not doubt it!
CAPT. K. My grandfather was in the army, too, and known in
the Peninsula as "Devil-may-care Katskill."
BLITH. I congratulate you on your connections! (Aside.)
What does he want to be so communicative for?
CAPT. K. Your next question naturally is, "What is your
fortune? What are your prospects?"
BLITH. Sir! I would not take so great a liberty!
CAPT. K. From an uncle on my mother's side I shall come
into five hundred a year.
BLITH. Not to be sneezed at, certainly!
CAPT. K. At present I have only my pay, and about two
hundred a year from my father; but the Kilkenny Katskills were
never rich, and always better hands at drawing a sword than
a cheque. Is this an answer to your inquiries?
BLITH. (bowing). Sir, you are very polite! (Aside.) It
seems the thing in society to make known your exact financial
position! I will return the compliment. (Aloud.) Sir, I am
the fifteenth child of a score of pledges Heaven sent to bless
my parents' declining years--my early days were passed----
CAPT. K. (attempting to stop him). Oh! Don't mention it!
BLITH. (insisting). Passed at the village of
Slopton-on-the-Slushy.
CAPT. K. Do not give me a description of your past life!
(With passion.) I love your charming child!
BLITH. (astounded). What!
CAPT. K. To obtain her hand is my ardent aspiration!
BLITH. (aside). What a match for my girl. (Aloud.) Pray sit
down, sir. (Noticing that CAPTAIN KATSKILL is about to sit down
on chair by secretary where hat is placed.) But _not_ on my hat!
CAPT. K. A thousand pardons! (Politely handing it to
BLITHERS, he reads name inside.) "Selwyn," his card is at
the bottom.
BLITH. May I ask how you came to know I was here?
CAPT. K. It was your excellent wife who sent me to you.
BLITH. You have seen her? She knows about your pretensions?
CAPT. K. She honors me by her preference--as does your
jewel of a daughter.
BLITH. It's as good as settled then?
CAPT. K. I now only await _your_ consent. (Rising.)
BLITH. You have it, my boy! Bless you! (With emotion.)
CAPT. K. Oh! How can I testify my gratitude?
BLITH. By being good to the girl--for I love her as if she
were my own.
CAPT. K. As _if_ she were--Is she _not_ your own?
BLITH. I am her step father only!
CAPT. K. But she bears your name?
BLITH. (explaining on fingers). Yes, I married my cousin's
widow, so our names are the same. When do you propose to be
married? (Putting back chair.)
CAPT. K. (ardently). As soon as possible!--Sooner if
not before!
BLITH. You are a Hibernian, and therefore impetuous.
CAPT. K. Yet I was afraid to meet you! For I thought you
favored a certain Mr. Bellamy.
BLITH. No! Although I have heard he has been making up to my
girl--and has bought a good many pairs of new gloves! Ha! Ha!
CAPT. K. Ha Ha! (Aside.) I don't know what he's laughing
at--but I suppose it's all right. (Aloud.) Allow me to take
my leave. (Bowing.)
BLITH. Don't mention it! (Both bowing. Exit CAPTAIN
KATSKILL, L. U. E.)
BLITH. We shall be a polite family when we get this young
man amongst us! Now about this hat--I seem to be forgotten
altogether. Hullo!
Enter FRED, C., much agitated and still with Directory
and hat.
FRED. At last I have caught you!
BLITH. (aside). This is the young man commissioned to
restore my beaver.
FRED. You know all!
BLITH. (puzzled). That's rather a _lot_ to know--but
still----
FRED. Hush! For two hours I have been following in your
footsteps--(Restraining BLITHERS, who wishes to speak.) She
tells me she has written twice--but what has become of her
letters? When I arrived at the little shop I learnt all! They
told me you were here, and so I rushed back to catch you!
BLITH. To catch me? What for?
FRED. Oh! sir, _I_ am young--_she_ is young--_you_ were
young--once!
BLITH. Yes, but----
FRED. Sir, _she_ is lovely--_I_ am considered fairly
good-looking--_you_ may have been good-looking yourself!
BLITH. No! I----
FRED. Yes--I insist on giving you the benefit of the doubt!
Sir, we loved! That is our excuse!
BLITH. _You_ loved? _Who_ loved?
FRED. I am of good family--my grandfather----
BLITH. Was "Devil-may-care-Kilkenny!"--No! (Aside.) That
was the other fellow's grandfather!
FRED. No! He was a druggist--and my father----
BLITH. Stop! I have had enough pedigree for one day.
FRED. You have a right to be wrathful! I know I should
have told you all this before--but, sir, you are not inhuman,
and remember I loved her so!
BLITH. (aside). He must be mad like the servant! Perhaps
this is an asylum! (Aloud, uneasily.) Come! Come! My good
young man! Be calm! Are you often like this?
FRED. Always! And always shall be until you forgive me!
Oh! sir, we will take a pretty country cottage, and you shall
live with us--we will watch over your declining years! And
our babes unborn will circle round your bedside--and close
your venerable eyelids when you leave us!
BLITH. (irritated). No, thank you! You will please request
your babes to let my eyelids alone!
FRED. It can't be! Say--Oh! say you forgive me and open
your withered arms to embrace the most repentant of sons-in-law.
BLITH. Sons-in-law!
FRED. Don't be angry with poor little Lottie!
BLITH. Angry with my daughter? What for?
FRED. Why--for what she's done! Don't you know all about it?
BLITH. No!
FRED. They told me you _did_!
BLITH. Look here, young man--to prevent more mixing we had
better begin at the beginning--I am Bosco Blithers--Who the
deuce are you?
FRED. Whom should I be but Frederick Bellamy?
BLITH. (aside). Lottie's best glove customer. (Aloud.) Well,
what do you want?
FRED. Your consent, it is too late to ask--but your
forgiveness you cannot refuse----
BLITH. I can--and I do! Lottie is engaged to Captain
Cornelius Katskill.
FRED. Engaged! She _can't_ be!
BLITH. I tell you she is! For she loves him to distraction!
He confessed it!
FRED (in passion). If he said that he is a----
BLITH. (stopping him). Hush!
FRED. So he _is_, if he dared say that! He shall withdraw
his words or I will kill him. (Crossing, L.)
BLITH. Kill my future son-in-law! I forbid you!
FRED. What! Do _you_ defend him?
Enter SELWYN, R. 2 E.
SEL. What's this? Fred confabulating with the duellist!
FRED (to BLITHERS). It's no use! I will fight! Return to
your Irishman, and tell him so! (Business. BLITHERS endeavoring
to pacify FRED.)
SEL. What's all this about?
BLITH. (who has given up restraining FRED, in despair. FRED
down L., in chair). About? About as near to raving madness
as ever was seen! Go and buy a straight-jacket, sir, he's
a lunatic. While you are at the straight waistcoat shop you
may as well purchase half a dozen, for he's not the only madman
on the premises.
(Exit BLITHERS, L. U. E.
SEL. I see it all! He would save my life a second time,
by challenging this deliberate desperado!
Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.
MRS. S. What _is_ the matter, Sam?
SEL. I don't know--I'll ask Fred! Fred! my dear boy, what is
the matter? (FRED has sunk down with his face in his hands, L.)
On what are you meditating, Fred?
FRED. I am meditating why I did not let you stop at the
bottom of the lake. I mean to leave this wretched London,
where all is perfidy and deceit!
Enter GRACE, L. U. E.
FRED (going up to GRACE). Good-bye, Miss Selwyn, and
good-bye, Mrs. Selwyn, good-bye, Sam. If I met the wretch who
has supplanted me in her affections I should slay him. Tell
her that I return to my native village to avoid having to kill
her Cornelius.
MRS. S. and GRACE (horror stricken). Kill Cornelius! (Going
R.)
FRED. Yes! I will spare the man she loves--but we must not
meet, or I will not be answerable for my acts.
SEL. Oh! bosh! What are you talking about? Who is this
Cornelius? Cheer up, Fred, and she shall marry _you_--and
not _him_!
MRS. S. and GRACE. Never!
FRED. Too late! I know she prefers my rival! It's all
settled.
SEL. Settled! It's _not_ settled! It _can't_ be settled
without my consent!
MRS. S. (crosses to C.). Consent! You know you have given
that! He said he'd seen you just now and you had blessed him!
SEL. Seen _me_!
GRACE. Yes. Now don't change your mind _again_, pa!
SEL. I shall lose my temper presently. (To FRED.) I say
you _shall_ have her!
GRACE (throwing herself into her mother's arms). Oh, ma,
it's broken off again!
FRED. Thanks for your good intentions. But how can _you_
interfere? _You_ are not her father.
(Exit FRED, L. 2 E. quickly.
SEL. Not her father! What? Here I say! (He rushes after FRED,
who slams his door.)
Enter DIBBS, hurriedly, C.
DIBBS. Sir, sir! (MR. SELWYN sits, L.)
SEL. What is it now?
DIBBS (aside, taking him down, R.). A lady downstairs--says
she must see Mr. Fred Bellamy--her name's Lottie--and she says
she's been deceived----
SEL. Great Goodness! 'Tis she! (Aside to DIBBS.) Hush,
not a word! I'll be there in an instant.
(Exit DIBBS, C.
CAPT. K. (entering, L. U. E.). Me darling!
SEL. (stopping). Who's this familiar fellow?
GRACE. Oh! Corney! Papa's changed his mind _again_, and
withdrawn his consent!
CAPT. K. Would he give you to this Bellamy? (GRACE nods,
"Yes.")
SEL. Is that Captain Katskill?
CAPT. K. Never while I am alive.
SEL. Excuse me, sir----(advancing).
CAPT. K. (only half turning to him). Sir, I did not address
meself to you! (Continuing conversation to ladies.) I do not
yet despair me darling!
SEL. Darling! How dare you call my----
CAPT. K. (sharply). Sir, I am not talking to you!
SEL. (piqued at his abruptness). You are a vagabond!
CAPT. K. Sir, for the third and last time I say I am not
speaking to you. (Continuing.) After all Mr. Selwyn is not
really the father of my Gracie.
SEL. Now _he's_ at it!
CAPT. K. She's the child of his cousin's widow--he told me
so himself.
MRS. S. (aside). What does he mean?
SEL. (furious). My cousin's--what?
Enter FRED, with his luggage in hand, L. 2 E.
SEL. Look here, Captain Killarney----
CAPT. K. Katskill of Kilkenny, sir!
FRED (dropping his luggage with a bang). Katskill!
SEL. You want to marry my daughter, and yet you dare to
insult me!
FRED. He wants to marry Grace! Just now he wanted to
marry Lottie!
ALL. Lottie!
FRED. Yes! Lottie Blithers! Dare you deny it, you Hibernia
Don Juan! Her own father told me all about it.
MRS. S. Can this be true?
SEL. He wants _two_ wives! (Music till end of act.)
Enter DIBBS suddenly, C.
DIBBS. No, _three_!
ALL. Wha-a-t?
DIBBS. A Mormonite!
CAPT. K. (threatening DIBBS). Ah! Ye young divil!
DIBBS (dodging behind bureau). Who's afraid? You know you're
after Miss Tompkins! I listened at the keyhole and heard you
ask the old man!
GRACE and FRED. Miss Tompkins?
SEL. Any _more_? (Vehemently.)
MRS. S. (to CAPTAIN KATSKILL indignantly). Leave this
house, sir!
CAPT. K. Ladies! I swear--Grace----
GRACE (very angry). Don't Grace me, sir! Adieu for ever!
CAPT. K. Oh! (To FRED.) It is _you_, sir, I have to thank
for this!
FRED (defiantly). Well?
CAPT. K. I shall call you out!
SEL. Hullo! Baulked in his bigamy, he thirsts for blood!
CAPT. K. Name your weapons!
FRED. What you like.
CAPT. K. Place?
FRED. Where you like.
CAPT. K. Time?
FRED. When you like!
CAPT. K. You shall never marry her! I am one of the fighting
Katskills of Kilkenny; we never leave off while there's a bit
of us left!
SEL. (rushing to FRED). Kill my preserver? (Business of
restraining CAPTAIN KATSKILL and FRED, who are held back on L.
and R. by the others throwing themselves between them.)
ACT DROP QUICK.