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THREE HATS
A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts
Adapted by
ARTHUR SHIRLEY
From
LES TROIS CHAPEAUX
by
HENNEQUIN
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation
Successor To Dick & Fitzgerald
18 Vesey St. New York
CHARACTERS.
SAM SELWYN, with a night adventure.
FRED BELLAMY, Selwyn's unwilling slave.
CAPT. KATSKILL, of the Kilkenny Irregulars.
BOSCO BLITHERS, Professor of Penmanship.
DIBBS, a boy in buttons.
MRS. SELWYN, Sam's Wife.
GRACE, Sam's Daughter.
LOTTIE BLITHERS, secretly married to Fred.
TILLY, a parlor maid.
COSTUMES.
SELWYN.--At first as described in the "Scene," afterwards in
ordinary dress.
BELLAMY.--Walking costume.
KATSKILL.--Exaggerated military style.
BLITHERS.--Eccentric old gentleman's costume.
MRS. SELWYN and GRACE.--in ordinary home dress.
LOTTIE.--Showily dressed in walking costume.
TILLY and DIBBS.--In servants' dress.
PROPERTIES.
Feather-duster; felt hat; three tall hats of different sizes;
sword; umbrella.
ACT I.
SCENE.--Drawing-room; door, L., at back looking into hall;
chimney piece R. centre; doors on R. side in second and third
entrances; door on left second entrance; window left; small sofa
and armchair towards front; escritoire front, L. Music to take
up curtain, "We Won't Go Home Till Morning," played, piano.
As curtain rises stage is unoccupied and in semi-darkness,
SELWYN opens door at back, L., and quietly creeps across,
the collar of his overcoat is up, and his hat is dripping
with rain. He goes R. on tiptoe and off third entrance, then
returns to fix a paper on door and exit same way. FRED BELLAMY
then enters by door at back, L., and executes similar business,
holding his muddy boots in his hand, exit, L., second entrance.
Enter DIBBS door right second entrance, yawning and
stretching himself, he carries feather brush in his hand.
DIBBS. Ooh! What a shame to have to turn out just when
you begin to appreciate your pillow. (Reading paper on door,
R.) "Call me at tea-time." (Crossing to L. and reading paper
on other door.) "Don't call me until to-morrow." (Looking at
clock on chimney piece.) Hullo! Only _seven_ o'clock! I'm up too
soon! I have cheated myself out of a clear hour in bed. Shall
I go back again? No! The governor's left out his cigars and
I know the best brands he keeps three sorts--these cost about
sixpence each and he smokes 'em himself--these are worth perhaps
twopence and are for the use of his friends--and these he gives
to his father-in-law, warranted real cabbage, five shillings
a hundred! I'm not his father-in-law, and I'm not his friend,
so I'll have a dip in here. (Taking some from first box.) It's
strange my tastes and the governor's should be so similar--we
both like the best of everything! (Lighting cigar.) I'm not in
a bad billet here, nothing to do and no end of leisure to do
it in, especially when the missus is away; she's gone to her
aunt's at Tunbridge Wells, so master and his friend, Mr. Fred
Bellamy, are left to do as they like. (Sits in easy chair, L.)
TILLY (entering, R. 2 E.). Nobody's up yet and so I can go
to the window and kiss my hand to the night policeman before
he goes off his beat. (Going to window.) There he is, leaning
against the lamp post like a "Polly bellvurdear" in blue. It's
'is whiskers as first won my heart! I always had a weakness for
whiskers and I'm sure they are the finest in the force! Oh!
what rapture to hear the clergyman say to those whiskers,
"Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife," and to
hear those whiskers reply, "I will," and then to walk arm in
arm with them down the church----(DIBBS comes behind her and
takes her by the waist; she screams.) Ah!
DIBBS. Caught you, have I? Making signals to the bobby.
I'll signal him! (Puts finger to his nose at window.)
TILLY. Oh! You impudent young rascal, how dare you insult
a full-grown man; you without so much, as an 'air to your
upper lip.
DIBBS. I'd rather have no mustarchers than a couple of
blacking brushes under my ears! He's gone now! You'd better
look on _me_ with an eye of admiration.
TILLY. You! You bare-faced brat! Smoking, too! Won't you
be ill, that's all.
DIBBS. Pooh! I've been a smoker ever since I was a boy!
(MR. SELWYN'S voice heard outside calling DIBBS.) Hullo! the
old rooster's up early! (Voice, "DIBBS!")
TILLY. I shall be off, he's sure to be out of temper;
masters and missuses are always grumpy when they first get
up. (DIBBS kisses TILLY, who slaps him. Exit, L. U. E.)
SEL. (heard off). Dibbs, _are_ you coming?
DIBBS. Yessir! (He endeavors to extinguish lighted cigar by
blowing on it, then opens window and fans the air with feather
brush to get rid of smoke.)
Enter SELWYN, looking very seedy, R. 3 E., in dressing-gown
and carrying a tall hat in his hand which he holds behind
him. He has an "up-all-night" appearance.
SEL. What the deuce are you doing?
DIBBS. Dusting, sir! (He hides cigar in trousers' pocket.)
SEL. Do you generally dust _the air_?
DIBBS. Dust everything, sir. (Aside.) Dash that cigar! It
ain't out! (He pulls it secretly from trousers' pocket and
again endeavors to extinguish it.)
SEL. Is Mr. Bellamy about yet?
DIBBS. Not yet, sir.
SEL. Go and call him; say I want to speak to him at once.
DIBBS. Yessir! (Returning.) As a rule he ain't partial to
being called before eleven, sir!
SEL. Rubbish! I always encourage early rising! _When I am
up first myself!_
DIBBS (aside). The boss is in a bad temper, perhaps he's
had the nightmare! (DIBBS knocks at door, L. 2 E. Sleepy voice
replies, "What the devil do you want?")
(Exit DIBBS, L. 2 E. entrance.
SEL. Not a moment is to be lost! My wife will be home by
the first train and if she catches sight of this infernal tile
she'll ask questions. That's the worst of wives, they _will_
be so inquisitive! Damocles had a sword hanging over his
head, I have a hat! (Putting hat on secretaire.) Now to write
to its owner. (Sitting at table.) "Sir, pardon my hastiness
last evening"----
DIBBS (entering, L.). Mr. Bellamy's coming, sir.
SEL. (irritably). Coming! Why don't he come! He's always
putting things off!
DIBBS. He's not putting 'em _off_ this time, sir, he's
putting 'em _on_! (Pantomimes getting into trousers.)
SEL. (finishing letter). That will do! A frank but dignified
apology. (Addressing envelope.)--"Tompkins, Esq." Nobody called
this morning inquiring for me, I suppose, Dibbs?
DIBBS. No, sir! (Looking hard at SELWYN.) Lord, sir, how
"squiffy" you do look this morning.
SEL. (sternly). "Squiffy," Dibbs?
DIBBS. Yessir--off color!
SEL. (more sternly). "Off color," Dibbs?
DIBBS. Yessir! Dotty about the eye-ball. For all the world
as though you'd been out on the razzle-dazzle last night, sir.
SEL. Dibbs, I request that you will not indulge in slang out
of your proper sphere--the kitchen. (Aside.) He's right! I _am_
"squiffy"--in fact, I never was "squiffier." Fetch my smoking
cap! (Exit DIBBS, R.) It would be rash of me to assert that I
was not "off color" and as to being prepared to take my oath
that I did not feel "dotty about the eye-ball" I couldn't do it!
DIBBS (re-entering from R.). Your smoking cap, sir! (He
grins at SELWYN.)
SEL. What are you grinning at?
DIBBS. Nothing, sir--except your bed ain't a bit tumbled!
SEL. What of that? I suffered from the toothache and had
to walk about all night!
DIBBS. Then the roof must want mending, for the rain comes
into your room, sir--your clothes are all sopping wet! Oh,
sir, _if_ I didn't know you, sir, I should say you had taken
advantage of the missus' absence to go out on the kick!
SEL. Dibbs, would you dare!----
DIBBS. I say, sir _if_ I did not know you!
SEL. (aside). This boy knows too much for me! (Aloud;
showing coin.) See nothing, say nothing!
DIBBS. Oh, sir! Don't force it on me! (Takes money and puts
it in his pocket.) It shall be a secret between _man and man_.
Mum's the word to the missus!
SEL. (aside). I wish I dared kick him!
DIBBS. Here comes Mr. Bellamy, sir!
Enter FRED, L. 2 E., without his coat.
SEL. At last, my dear Fred, at last! I want you to do me
a favor!
FRED (aside). I suppose so! (Aloud.) I certainly do not
consider it doing _me_ a favor when I am awoke at unearthly
hours.
SEL. First let me explain--(noticing DIBBS is
listening.) Thank you, Dibbs, I shall not want you any more!
DIBBS (aside). As usual! Always turned out when the interest
begins! Never mind, I've got a very good ear and the door's got
a very good key-hole; and by putting this (touching ear) and
that (pointing to key-hole) together, I may hear of something
to my advantage as the advertisements say.
(Exit DIBBS, R. 2 E.
SEL. Sit down, my dear boy.
FRED (yawning). If he is going to spin me one of his long
yarns I shall never keep awake! (Sits in arm chair.)
SEL. Fred, we are brothers! (Taking chair over to L.)
FRED. Not exactly----
SEL. Yes, we are! You saved my life, and from that day became
my brother. As a proof of my regard I am about to reveal to you
what I would not confide to any other man or woman in the world.
FRED. Not even to your wife?
SEL. _Not to my wife above all_ others. Fred, I have been
off the line!
FRED. A railway accident?
SEL. No! The matrimonial line. Listen! I dined at Dobbinson's
last night. I ate a good deal and I drank more, in fact,
I think I was just a leetle--a very leetle bit----(Gesture.)
FRED. "On?"
SEL. I was going to say "off" but it's a detail. I walked
home and I _think_ I whistled. I generally whistle when I'm----
FRED. "Off?"
SEL. I was going to say "on," but it's a detail. I remember
that about the Marble Arch I saw a Vision of Loveliness approach
me. The vision evidently desired me to do her a favor----
FRED. Had you ever saved _her_ life then?
SEL. No! The timid creature only wanted to be directed
to Ludgate Hill; while endeavoring to explain a short cut we
walked as far as Piccadilly together. I believe I offered to
escort her.
FRED. And she accepted?
SEL. After _much_ hesitation! We chatted and got quite
good friends and at last passed by the "Geranium," a highly
respectable establishment, where, you know they admit ladies
as well as gentlemen.
FRED. A cock and hen club!
SEL. Yes--but that's a detail--suddenly the thought struck me
to ask her if she had supped and if she would accept--(Gesture.)
She replied, no!
FRED. She refused?
SEL. No. She said, "No, I have _not_ supped!"
FRED. She accepted then.
SEL. After _much_ hesitation----
FRED (digging him in the ribs). Ah! Sly dog!
SEL. Not at all! She got quite confidential and told me
her history--how her father had been a curate and got killed
at the battle of--no, that was her brother--at any rate, the
time passed most pleasantly, when all of a sudden she asked
me my name; I stammered a little--then----(Gesture.)
FRED. You didn't give it?
SEL. No, I gave _yours_!
FRED (starting up indignantly). What! Give _my_ name to a
girl you picked up promiscuously----(SELWYN forces him back
into his seat.)
SEL. She was a perfect lady, dear boy. Besides, what was
the use of _you_ saving _my_ life if I could not use your name?
FRED (pettishly). Well? Go on.
SEL. Then a faintness came over her--she wasn't used to
late hours!
FRED. Of course not! They never are!
SEL. (talking glibly). I rushed out to fetch a doctor, missed
my footing on the top step, and fell headlong amongst a group
of gentlemen on the pavement. "Drunken booby," said one of them,
giving me a push that sent me reeling. Off went my hat into the
gutter, _I_ went after it, and at last covered with indignation
and mud, I flew at the fellow and knocked _his_ hat off, too!
FRED. This is getting exciting!
SEL. We tussled furiously, I think I must have hurt his fist,
for my eye is precious painful (putting his hand to his face),
and then somebody shouted "police," and for a wonder an active
and intelligent officer at once appeared on the scene.
FRED. And locked _you_ up?
SEL. No! I hastily snatched the hat from the pavement and
ran like an antelope, but imagine my horror when I discovered
I had taken my antagonist's hat instead of _my own_!
FRED. That didn't matter if it was as good, or better!
SEL. It _did_ matter very much, for since I have had
two stolen I have always stuck my card on the inside and
consequently I expect to be shortly called upon, and called
out by the gentleman I insulted. It is not that I fear for my
own sake, but if it gets to my wife's ears I shall never hear
the last of it.
FRED. What are you going to do?
SEL. Simply be beforehand with my antagonist and disarm
his resentment by profuse apologies--his name is Tompkins I
have found that out.
FRED. Where does he live?
SEL. There's the rub, for it does not give his _address_
inside his hat, only his _name_! Now comes my need of _your_
help. Go and buy the _London Directory_, and with this hat
in one hand and that apology in the other call on all the
Tompkins's in the town!
FRED (protestingly). Oh! I say, you know----(Rises and
goes, L.)
SEL. (rises and goes, R.). What! Would you refuse? Oh,
that I ever should have allowed a man to save my life who
would afterward deny me such a simple favor as this!
FRED. Look here, can't you send a servant?
SEL. What? Entrust my secret to a mercenary? Frederick
Bellamy, _did_ you save my life, or did you not?
FRED (sulkily). I did!
SEL. Did I _ask_ you to do so?
FRED. No, considering you were at the bottom of a pond at
the time you couldn't!
SEL. You should have left me there if you only dived in to
drag me on shore to witness your ingratitude.
FRED. Oh, bother! I suppose I must; where's the infernal
stovepipe?
SEL. (joyfully). I _knew_ you would assist me and in return
I'll tell you something (whispering)--look out for a surprise!
(Aside.) Poor fellow, I know he adores my daughter and thinks
to let concealment like a thingamy in the bud feed on his
damask cheek! (Effusively.) Bless you, my boy!
FRED (aside). I wish he wouldn't look so confoundedly
affectionate.
SEL. Now you understand? Here's the letter and there's the
hat. (Putting them into his hands.) I'm off to dress while _you_
go and buy a directory!
FRED. Buy a directory! I don't want to buy a directory!
I _hate_ directories!
SEL. You should have thought of that before you saved
my life.
(Exit SELWYN, R. U. E.
FRED. I have had three months of this sort of thing. I
came to London for pleasure and I have suffered slavery ever
since. I hadn't been in town two days when looking over the
Serpentine Bridge I beheld a man struggling in the water. I
was weak enough to rescue him, and he immediately proved so
oppressively grateful that I have never been able to escape from
his clutches from that day to this. I would have gone back to
Bristol long ago, but there's my dear little Lottie Blithers
to whom I am secretly married and whom I would not desert for
untold gold. She keeps a glove shop in Bond street and I pass
most of my time in purchasing her stock in trade. This sort
of thing can't go on much longer!
SEL. (re-entering, R. U. E.). What! Not gone yet? Suppose
my wife were to return or that Tompkins should turn up.
FRED (protesting). That's all very well, but----?
SEL. There's no time for "butting" now!
FRED. Damn it! You don't want me to go without a coat,
do you? (He places on the escritoire the hat that SELWYN had
given him and goes off into his room, L. 2 E.)
SEL. (speaking to him off). _Do_ make haste, there's a
good fellow! (Aside.) I _knew_ he wouldn't be ungrateful. I
knew that he wouldn't forget that I had saved his life, no,
I mean that _he_ had saved _mine_! (Calling off, L.) Ain't
you ready? (Aside.) He shall be repaid for this! One of these
days. I shall be able to grasp him by the hand and say--(calling
off.) What the devil are you doing?
Re-enter FRED, L. 2 E.
FRED. Don't shout! Here I am!
SEL. At last!
Enter DIBBS, quickly, R. 2 E.
DIBBS. There's a cab just driven up to the door, sir. I
think it's the missus!
SEL. (to FRED). Off you go! You have the letter? (Going,
L.) Not that way, you will meet her! Remember the directory,
and above all don't forget the name "Tompkins." It's engraven
in letters of enormous size on my heart. Get the same done
on yours!
(Exit FRED, door at back.
SEL. Now to hoodwink the wife! (Sitting down and taking
newspaper). I must meet her eye without flinching. (Enter
MRS. SELWYN and GRACE, at door in flat.) Ah, my dear, _so_
glad to see you back! (He kisses wife and daughter.)
MRS. S. Have you been dull, Sam dear!
SEL. (most emphatically). Dull! _Miserable!_ Regularly
downright, positively wretched.
MRS. S. I didn't expect to find you up so soon as this.
SEL. No! I shouldn't have been only--only----(Searching
for an excuse.)
DIBBS (chiming in, R.). Only the master went to bed so
_early_ last night!
SEL. (aside to DIBBS). Shut up!
DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). Leave it to me, governor. I'll
pull you through!
MRS. S. For all that, you look anything but well, you are
quite pale and haggard--it's a most extraordinary thing that
whenever I go to aunt's for a day or two I always find you
looking bad when I return.
SEL. (forcing smile). Yes! it's the--the----
DIBBS (striking in). It's the toothache!
GRACE (sympathetically). Oh! papa dear, have you had the
toothache?
SEL. Yes, my dear. (Aside; vexed.) He's given me the
toothache now! I'll give _him_ something presently! (Aloud.)
Ah, and how is your aunt, dear aunt Betty? Is the gout in her
foot better?
MRS. S. Gout! You mean her asthma!
SEL. Gout--asthma! Asthma--gout, just the same, it's only
a detail! All through my indigestion; it affects my memory.
Had it awful!
MRS. S. Oh! I am _so_ sorry, dear! You _are_ looking queer!
Can we do anything, for you?
SEL. Yes, no, it's the weather--so hot, you know.
MRS. S. Hot! I thought it chilly!
SEL. Ah! It may have been chilly where you were, it's been
warm _here_. In fact, yesterday was the warmest day I remember!
GRACE (aside to MRS. SELWYN). Don't forget to tell him all
about Corney!
MRS. S. (aside to GRACE). Presently, child.
GRACE. He may be here at any moment, you know! (GRACE up
C. at window.)
MRS. S. (close behind SELWYN). Sam, do _you_ know a Mr.
Tompkins?
SEL. (paralyzed by the suddenness of the question). Tom--Tom
Tompkins! (Aside.) Has she found me out?
MRS. S. (quietly). No, dear, not Tom Tompkins--Horace
Tompkins.
SEL. I never saw, heard of, or spoke to a person of that
name in all my life!
MRS. S. He's the new society poet and author of Midnight
Moans. I hear they've made quite a noise!
SEL. No doubt, but I'm not partial to moans.
MRS. S. The book was only lent me for an hour, and I am so
interested that I want Frederick to go out and buy a copy.
GRACE (aside, C., rather vexed). I think ma might speak to
pa about Captain Katskill instead of her stupid poetry!
SEL. Fred! Oh! He'll soon get it for you! Stop, though,
I forgot, he's gone out!
MRS. S. So early?
SEL. Yes. (To MRS. SELWYN, L.)
MRS. S. Ah! here he is back again!
Enter FRED quickly, at back, out of breath and with large
Directory under his arm. He puts down Directory.
SEL. (Aside). He surely cannot have tracked that Tompkins
to his lair already?
FRED. Good morning, Mrs. Selwyn, hope you have enjoyed
your trip. (To SELWYN, aside). I say, old fellow, I forgot it
after all!
SEL. (aside to FRED). Forgot what?
FRED (aside). The hat!
SEL. Horror, where did you leave it?
FRED (aside). Here! (Points to hat just as MRS. SELWYN
casually picks it up.)
MRS. S. Who's is this? (Looking inside.) Tompkins!
SEL. (aside to FRED). Claim it!
FRED (to MRS. SELWYN). It's mine!
SEL. (excitedly). Yes, it's Fred's. (He snatches it and
claps it on FRED'S head, being too large it "bonnets" him.)
MRS. S. (in astonishment). Surely, it cannot be!
DIBBS (coming between MR. SELWYN and MRS. SELWYN, aside).
I must pull them through again, or they'll make a mess of it!
(Aloud.) No, sir, _this_ is the hat you brought from the club
last night! I know it well, ma'am, name of Tompkins inside--the
master left his own behind and brought this one home instead!
Mr. Bellamy was only taking of it back. (Winks at MR. SELWYN;
aside.)
SEL. (relieved; aside). This boy's a lovely liar! (Aloud.)
Yes!
FRED. Yes!
MRS. S. Why not have said so at first, dear?
SEL. Oh, I was going to, but Dibbs put me out! (Aside to
DIBBS.) You shall have a sovereign for that taradiddle!
DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It was _the truth_!
SEL. So it was! I withdraw my generous offer.
MRS. S. (rapturously gazing at hat). And to think that hat
has probably covered the head of the author of "Midnight Moans."
FRED (aside to SELWYN). Do you know how many Tompkins's
there are in the directory? Two hundred and eighty-nine!
SEL. (taken aback). Two hundred and eighty-nine?
MRS. S. Where does the poet Tompkins live!
SEL. (repeating mechanically). Two hundred and eighty-nine!
MRS. S. Two hundred and eighty-nine--in what street?
SEL. Street--what street?
MRS. S. Why the street where Mr. Tompkins lives!
FRED. Well, I don't know exactly.
MRS. S. You don't know! Then how could you be going to take
it back?
FRED (aside to SELWYN). What shall I say?
DIBBS (aside). They want _me_ again! (Aloud.) Oh! ma'am,
Mr. Bellamy was going to take it to the club--Mr. Tompkins's
address is sure to be known there!
(Exit, R. U. E.
MRS. S. I see! If at the same time, Mr. Bellamy, you could
inquire if it was the talented Tompkins who wrote the "Frozen
Tear," I should be obliged.
SEL. (impatiently). Yes! yes, but we must not keep Frederick!
Remember the gentleman is hatless all this while. _Do_ be off,
Bellamy, my boy!
FRED (aside). I suppose I must, but if ever I save anybody's
life again, may I be----
SEL. Don't dawdle, dear boy--don't dawdle!
(Exit FRED, hurried off by SELWYN, door in flat.
GRACE. _Now_, ma, I hope you will speak----
MRS. S. Yes, my child--yes!
SEL. At last he has gone, the ill-omened hat has left my
house I hope never to return!
FRED (rushing in again). Forgotten the directory!
SEL. Oh!
MRS. S. What directory?
SEL. Here it is! (Throwing it at FRED, who catches it.)
MRS. S. What does Fred want that for?
SEL. Amusement, mere amusement, to pass the time in the
cab--_you_ read, my dear, when _you_ travel!
MRS. S. But _I_ read poetry!
SEL. What does it signify--poetry or directory, a mere matter
of detail--tastes differ--he likes directory! (Aside to FRED.)
Get out or I shall have a fit!
FRED. But you know I have not had my breakfast yet!
SEL. Breakfast! And he can think of feeding at a moment
like this! Oh! buy a biscuit as you go along, or you can eat
the directory if you like when you have found the owner of the
hat! This delay is maddening. (SELWYN hustles FRED off again.)
MRS. S. There is something the matter with Samuel, his
manner's so strange this morning!
SEL. Once more relieved!
MRS. S. Samuel!
SEL. Bella!
MRS. S. I want to speak to you about Gracie. She's nearly
nineteen, and we ought to be thinking about seeing her settled.
SEL. There's no hurry--she's too young!
MRS. S. She's older than I was when we were married; I was
only seventeen.
SEL. It's a most extraordinary fact that every woman with
a tall daughter was married at seventeen, or says she was!
MRS. S. Sam, in _my_ case you _know_ it's true; besides,
there are good reasons why we should talk about Gracie.
SEL. (aside). Fred has been dropping hints on the subject,
evidently.
MRS. S. Speaking in her name I think I may tell you she
has seen some one she can care about.
SEL. (assuming authority). Um! What! without consulting me?
GRACE (aside to MRS. SELWYN). Oh, ma! suppose he says "no!"
MRS. S. Hush!
SEL. And who might the gentleman be? (Aside.) It is as well
to pretend to be blind! (Aloud.) Who is he? What is he?
Enter DIBBS, R. 2 E.
DIBBS. Your barber, sir!
SEL. My barber!
DIBBS. Yes, sir, waiting in your dressing-room--and please,
ma'am, there's your dressmaker waiting in your's!
SEL. I mustn't keep him waiting! If he got tired he'd lose
his temper and I should probably lose a bit of my chin.
(Exit, R. U. E.
GRACE. Interrupted again! It _is_ vexing!
MRS. S. I can't keep Mrs. Frillet, or she'd never let me
know the latest fashions before anyone else! Dibbs, go to the
Circulating Library and ask for the "_Frozen Tear_."
DIBBS. Yes, ma'am! Shall I wait while it's put in ice, ma'am.
MRS. S. Stupid boy! The "_Frozen Tear_" is by Horace
Tompkins, it's his latest and most fiery production. Go!
(Exit MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.
DIBBS. First she says it's frozen, then it's fiery! She
may call it poetry, I call it bosh! (GRACE sits, L.)
SEL. (putting head in at door, R., and beckoning DIBBS).
Remember, Dibbs, I am at home to no one!
DIBBS (low that GRACE may not hear). Right, sir! Now to
fetch the "red hot icicle" or whatever it is!
(Exit, door at back.
GRACE. Ten o'clock and pa not yet told that I am engaged!
It's too bad, Corney will be here in half an hour!
TILLY (entering, L. U. E.). A gentleman, miss, says he
wants to see Mr Selwyn.
GRACE. It must be Captain Katskill! Ask him to come in!
(Exit TILLY, L. U. E.) How my heart beats! (Re-enter TILLY
with BLITHERS.) It's _not_ Corney! (BLITHERS is a doddering
old gentleman of bland manners, reddish sandy hair, very short
and standing up all over his head; also big whiskers; in his
hand he carries a fashionable hat, evidently not his own. He
speaks throughout in the blandest tones; he wears enormous
boots built expressly to suit a sufferer from bunions.)
BLITH. Oh! I beg pardon, miss, but I believe Mr.--(looking
inside hat)--Selwyn lives here?
GRACE. My father, sir. If you will take a seat I will
call him. (BLITHERS bows grotesquely and sits, L. Exit GRACE,
R. U. E.)
BLITH. A nice little girl! (A card falls from his pocket
as he pulls out handkerchief.) Bother it! I have forgotten
my wife's instructions again! "Always give your card to the
servant when you make a call," says Susan, "it's etiquette and
it's likely to bring business." She always sees I have plenty of
cards in my pocket, but I mostly forget to give them. (Looking
at card.) Bosco Blithers, professor of penmanship and author of
"_Pot-hooks and Hangers_." I had better drop a few about. (He
places cards on table, mantelpiece, etc., etc., then comes
down and sits on edge of chair.) This Mr. Selwyn must be pretty
well off to judge by his place here and his hat. He left it at
Mr. Dobbinson's while I was giving the juvenile Dobbinson's
their writing lesson, and so I was forced to put on his or
return bareheaded. (Puts on hat which is too small for him,
and looks in glass, C.)
Enter DIBBS quickly.
DIBBS. Couldn't get missus's "_Iced Weep_" at any price.
I daresay they won't keep in this hot weather. Who's the
venerable party?
BLITH. (noting DIBBS and taking off hat). Oh, I beg pardon!
DIBBS. Waiting for the governor, mister?
BLITH. Yes, Mr. (looks in hat)--Mr. Selwyn!
DIBBS (aside). Whew! Suppose this should be that Tompkins,
the owner of the hat! The parlor-maid opened the door to you,
eh, sir?
BLITH. Yes, I presume so. She said I should find Mr. (looking
in hat)--Selwyn in this room.
DIBBS. That's where she's wrong! The governor has gone out!
BLITH. I'm sorry!
DIBBS. He may not be back for some time; if you were to
drop in again, in a week or two perhaps?
BLITH. Pardon me, young man, but Mr. Selwyn's daughter just
told me her father _was_ at home!
DIBBS (aside). The devil she did? That's a doubler-up for
master! (He strikes forehead and paces up and down.)
BLITH. (watching DIBBS). A somewhat eccentric domestic!
DIBBS (aside). I've got it! Hurrah! I'll frighten the old
bird! (Rings bell. Enter TILLY, L. U. E.) Where are master's
pistols, and did they send the new swords that were ordered
yesterday? (Aside.) Say, yes.
TILLY (puzzled). Ye-es!
TILLY. Then put them in the armory with the other deadly
weapons? Have the forty score of ball cartridges come? (Aside.)
Say, yes!
TILLY. Yes-es.
DIBBS. Put them in the ammunition room handy, for Mr.
Selwyn will want them all this week.
TILLY. Poor boy! Love turns his brain, I ought not to have
been so cruel to him!
(Exit, L. U. E.
BLITH. (puzzled). Mr. Selwyn seems to be fond of firearms!
DIBBS. Fond of 'em! He always has something dangerous
about him, reckons himself the best shot in these parts; he's
obliged to be for he _never_ apologises; if anybody calls for
satisfaction (pointing at BLITHERS, who is alarmed) bang! he
drops 'em!
BLITH. (aside). A nice amiable employer! (Aloud). I don't
see what all this has to do with me!
DIBBS (aside). He's a determined old dog!
Enter SELWYN, R. U. E.
SEL. (up stage). Dibbs! (Seeing BLITHERS.) A visitor?
DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It's the hat man!
SEL. (nervously). I told you not to admit anyone!
DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It was Tilly did it! Be careful,
sir, he's not to be trifled with! Beware, sir, beware!
(Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.
SEL. (aside). I would give a wagon load of gold watches to
be somebody else this minute!
BLITH. (ceremoniously). I have the honor to address Mr.
Selwyn?
SEL. Yes--es! (Aside.) I don't like his eye!
BLITH. I have merely called for a little explanation----
SEL. (aside and looking off). If my wife comes now I'm
done for!
BLITH. (aside). He seems to take no notice! (Louder.) Sir,
I have called for the purpose----
SEL. Hush! Not so loud!
BLITH. I beg pardon. (Aside.) Somebody ill, I suppose.
(Aloud.) There has been a little misunderstanding about
a hat----
SEL. (looking off). My wife! It's all over! (He collapses.)
Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.
MRS. S. Oh! I beg pardon! I thought you were alone.
SEL. (confused). So I am--no, I mean--I wish I were!
MRS. S. Do I disturb you?
BLITH. Not at all, ma'am, its only about----
SEL. (anxiously interrupting). Somebody is calling you, dear!
MRS. S. I don't think so! (To BLITHERS.) What were you
saying, sir?
BLITH. It's merely a mistake about a hat.
SEL. (aside). Would it were down his throat!
BLITH. I want my own in exchange!
MRS. S. Of course, my husband explained all about it,
in fact, he was going to send it back!
SEL. (anxious to get rid of him). Oh, yes! You may rely
on having it sent back, so if you will----(points to door,
BLITHERS is about to go.)
MRS. S. No! The gentleman had better wait now. Pray sit down,
sir, Mr. Bellamy will return soon with your hat.
BLITH. Oh, thank you, ma'am! (Crosses R., to table.)
MRS. S. He does not _look_ like a poet, but who can judge
by outward appearances?
BLITH. (aside). Why does she examine me so minutely? This
is a funny family!
MRS. S. I presume you belong to the same club as my husband,
since you exchanged hats.
BLITH. Oh, no! I don't belong----
SEL. (aside to BLITHERS). Don't deny it unless you would
ruin me.
BLITH. (aside). I see! He doesn't want it known that he
dined out at the Dobbinson's last night!
MRS. S. (sentimentally to BLITHERS). I wish ladies were
allowed to frequent clubs. I would give the world to mix
amongst authors, painters and poets. (Pointedly.) Oh, how I
have longed to know a real live poet!
BLITH. I dare say, ma'am!
MRS. S. (aside). He seemed to start at the word! I will
draw him out! (Aloud.) I have read your last book, and oh! it
is delightful!
BLITH. (aside). She means my "Treatise on Penmanship."
(Aloud.) I have had many testimonials from former pupils!
MRS. S. (aside). A poet take pupils! (Aloud.) Do you really
mean to say you can teach people to write as beautifully as
you do?
BLITH. (proudly). Much better! My hand is not so steady as
it was twenty years ago!
MRS. S. I am indeed glad to have met you, I once saw the
top of Alfred Tennyson's head from a balcony, and Swinburne's
boots outside his door at a Parisian hotel, but I never actually
_spoke_ to a great writer before!
BLITH. Oh, ma'am, you make me blush!
MRS. S. Do I? (Rapturously.) Blush on, oh! blush on, genius
of the goosequill!
BLITH. I never use them! Give me a good "Falcon" pen.
MRS. S. Would it be too much to ask you to spare me one
of your old pens--one with which you had dashed off some
sweet sonnet!
BLITH. (aside, uneasily). There's lunacy in the family!
MRS. S. I have known many Tompkins's, but all were common
creatures.
BLITH. (aside). What does she mean? (Aloud.) No doubt, mum,
so have I!
MRS. S. Would you, I tremble to ask it, but, oh!--would
you mind writing something in my poor little album?
BLITH. (hesitating). Well, mum----
MRS. S. I know it's asking too much--but just one line--one
little line!
BLITH. Well, while I was about it, I might as well dash off
a page or two!--you know I have several styles. (Flourishing
hand as if holding pen.)
MRS. S. I know! I know! Liquid lava runs from your pen
as fluently as icy sarcasm. Excuse me one moment. (Aside.)
I will fetch my album and get him to compose an impromptu
while he is in the mood.
(Exit MRS. SELWYN, R. 2 E.
SEL. (gratefully). Thanks for your generous silence! Had
my wife an inkling about the events of yesterday my future
would be blasted. Where do you live, sir?
BLITH. Oh! In Bond street--same place where you have sent
my hat.
SEL. (anxiously). Time is short now, but to-morrow I will
call and make every reparation in my power, if an apology will
be accepted.
BLITH. Apology! (Aside.) How very polite! (Aloud.) No!
no apology! (SELWYN attempts to follow him.) No. I'll not hear
of it! (Very blandly.) Good morning!
(Exit, door at back.
SEL. (sinking into chair, R.). No apology! I see he's bent
on blood! How I hate these deliberate duelists that never show
the passion that sways their innermost souls! (Starting up.)
What shall I do?
Enter MRS. SELWYN with book, R.
MRS. S. Here's the album, Mr. Tom--(Looking round.) Oh!
Sam, why did you let him go? He may never call again!
SEL. I hope not!
MRS. S. (piqued). If _you_ don't care for poetry _I_
do! (Going to where BLITHERS sat.) This chair shall not be
used by unappreciative persons--I will have the seat taken
out and framed!
Enter TILLY, at back.
TILLY. Please, sir, there's a young gentleman in the hall
wants to speak to you; this is his card!
(Exit TILLY.
Enter GRACE, R. 2 E.
SEL. (taking card). "Captain Cornelius Katskill." I am not
at home, I never shall be at home again; what does he want?
MRS. S. (aside to SELWYN). Oh, Sam, I forgot to tell
you after all. It's the young Irish officer we met at the
Claremonts' and who was so attentive to Grace, in fact,
I fully expect he has called to ask permission to consider
himself formally engaged to her.
SEL. Grace engaged! What nonsense; she _is_ engaged,
isn't she?
GRACE (indignantly). No, papa!
SEL. Yes, you are! Or you are going to be, which is just
the same, to my friend Fred Bellamy. I must repay him for
saving my life!
GRACE. "Pay," papa! You talk of me as though I were a cheque
instead of a child! I don't _love_ Mr. Bellamy!
SEL. Not love him! He saved your father's life, and you
dare to say you don't love him; this is the gratitude of girls!
(Crosses to L.)
GRACE. I can't--I can't; for I love somebody else.
SEL. Somebody else! You mustn't, can't, won't, don't,
or shan't love somebody else!
GRACE. Yes, I do!
MRS. S. Yes, she does, and you wouldn't be brute enough to
coerce her young affections, would you?
SEL. (savagely). Yes, I would! Young affections! Young
fiddlesticks! (Crosses, R.)
MRS. S. (going L., consoling GRACE). Never mind, my child,
your father is without poetry! and consequently without feeling!
Ugh! you brute.
(Exeunt GRACE and MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.
SEL. I will never sacrifice my Frederick! Never! Never!
(Calling.) Dibbs!
Enter DIBBS, L. U. E.
DIBBS. Yessir!
SEL. Give the gentleman his card back, tell him to call again
next year, say that we have got the sweeps or the measles in
the house, at any rate get him to go! Where's my felt hat?
DIBBS. Billycock, sir? Yessir!
(Exit DIBBS, R. U. E.
SEL. (aside). Let me see, I must call on this bloodthirsty
poet to begin with--Dibbs! Where's that felt hat?
Enter DIBBS with felt hat and umbrella.
DIBBS. Here you are, sir! and here's a letter, sir, just
brought by a commissionaire--marked important, he says it's
from a young lady.
SEL. Give it to me! (Reading envelope.) "Fred Bellamy,
Esq." perhaps its from the girl to whom I gave his name last
night! Shall I open it? Yes! He saved my life, and from that
moment he gave me the right to----(Reading.) Great Scott!
"Bond street. Darling, Come to me at once! I have told father
all about it; he is not so angry as I expected! Remember what
you said last night! Come--straight to him as you promised
and explain all.--Your loving LOTTIE. P. S.--If you don't
come, I shall call on you, as of course there will be no
occasion for secrecy _now_, so you won't want me to keep
away!" This is a nice state of things! I must go to her.
Where does she live? (Looking at letter.) Bond street! It's
an elongated thoroughfare, but never mind, I _must_ find her
or her appearance here would cause me to contemplate suicide!
(He puts down letter on table; springs up and down as if looking
for something; he unconsciously puts on hat.) First, I must go to
Bond street, and apologize to this "Lottie," then I must call on
the passionate poet and explain--no, I'm mixing them up. It's the
poet I have to apologize to and the girl I have got to keep quiet!
Dibbs, where is my hat? (Looks all over room.)
DIBBS. I gave it to you, sir--why, you have got it on!
SEL. So I have! (While they have been looking for hat, MRS.
SELWYN has come in L. U. E. and carelessly taken up open
letter SELWYN put down; as she reads her expression changes
from indifference to anger. SELWYN turns and sees her, then
stands aghast. Music piano until end of act; then forte.)
MRS. S. (severely). Whose is this? (Holding up letter, C.)
SEL. Mine! I mean--yours! (DIBBS laughs; SELWYN pelts him.)
MRS. S. (sobbing). You men are all alike, I'll have
a divorce!
SEL. (at his wits end). Allow me to explain!
DIBBS (aside). Leave it to me! (Crosses to C. aloud.) Please,
mum, _it's mine_!
MRS. S. (drying her tears). I believe neither of you!
SEL. (indignantly). Dibbs, how dare you tell your mistress
such a villainous falsehood! You will end your days in an
editor's office if you go on like this. My dear, I will tell
you the _truth_--it's _not_ mine, but Fred's!
MRS. S. Prove it!
SEL. Look at the envelope! (Picking up envelope from floor,
where he has previously thrown it.) Same hand, see! (Aside.)
Poor Fred! I have had to throw you overboard to save the ship!
MRS. S. (examining envelope and letter). Yes, it is the
same writing. The reprobate! _Now_, I suppose you don't want
Grace to marry him! (Bitterly.)
SEL. Yes, I do!
MRS. S. (firmly). Mr. Bellamy leaves this house to-morrow!
SEL. He shan't!
MRS. S. He shall! (Quarrel worked up between them until
MRS. SELWYN in great passion seizes an umbrella to strike
at SELWYN; he avoids the blow, and BLITHERS entering C.,
quickly at moment, still with tall hat in hand, receives it
full on top of his head. BLITHERS turns and flies in dismay
at his reception. MRS. SELWYN faints. DIBBS dances with joy
at everybody's discomfiture.)
QUICK ACT DROP.