To be exact, I kissed at her 268

_PART ONE_

_Being a Card to the Public from the Pen of the Rev. Roscoe Titmarsh

Fibble, D.D._

_Fibble, D.D._

_The Young Nuts of America_

IT is with a feeling of the utmost reluctance, amounting--if I may use

so strong a word--to distress, that I take my pen in hand to indite the

exceedingly painful account which follows; yet I feel I owe it not only

to myself and the parishioners of St. Barnabas', but to the community at

large, to explain in amplified detail why I have withdrawn suddenly,

automatically as it were, from the organisation of youthful forest

rangers of which I was, during its brief existence, the actuating

spirit, and simultaneously have resigned my charge to seek a field of

congenial endeavour elsewhere.

My first inclination was to remain silent; to treat with dignified

silence the grossly exaggerated statements that lately obtained

circulation, and, I fear me, credence, in some quarters, regarding the

circumstances which have inspired me in taking the above steps.

Inasmuch, however, as there has crept into the public prints hereabout a

so-called item or article purporting to describe divers of my recent

lamentable experiences--an item which I am constrained to believe the

author thereof regarded as being of a humorous character, but in which

no right-minded person could possibly see aught to provoke mirth--I have

abandoned my original resolution and shall now lay bare the true facts.

In part my motive for so doing is based on personal grounds, for I have

indeed endured grievously both laceration of the tenderest sensibilities

and anguish of the corporeal body; but I feel also that I have a public

duty to perform. If this unhappy recital but serves to put others on

their guard against a too-ready acceptance of certain specious

literature dealing with the fancied delights--I say fancied advisedly

and for greater emphasis repeat the whole phrase--against the fancied

delights of life in the greenwood, then in such case my own poignant

pangs shall not have entirely been in vain.

With these introductory remarks, I shall now proceed to a calm,

temperate and dispassionate narration of the various occurrences leading

up to a climax that left me for a measurable space prone on the bed of

affliction, and from which I have but newly risen, though still much

shaken.

When I came to St. Barnabas' as assistant to the Reverend Doctor Tubley

my personal inclination, I own, was for parish work among our female

members. I felt that, both by natural leanings and by training, I was

especially equipped to be of aid and comfort here. Instinctively, as it

were, I have ever been drawn toward the other and gentler sex; but my

superior felt that my best opportunities for service lay with the males

of a tender and susceptible age.

He recommended that, for the time being at least, I devote my energies

to the youthful masculine individuals within the parish fold; that I

make myself as one with them if not one of them; that I take the lead in

uniting them into helpful bands and associations. He felt that the

youth of St. Barnabas' had been left rather too much to their own

devices--which devices, though doubtlessly innocent enough in character,

were hardly calculated to guide them into the higher pathways. I am

endeavouring to repeat here the Reverend Doctor Tubley's words as

exactly as may be.

Continuing, he said he felt that our boys had been in a measure

neglected by him. He had heard no complaint on this score from the lads

themselves. Indeed, I gathered from the tenor of his remarks they had

rather resented his efforts to get on a footing of comradeship with

them. This, he thought, might be due to the natural diffidence of the

adolescent youth, or perhaps to the disparity in age, he being then in

his seventy-third year and they ranging in ages from nine to fifteen.

Nevertheless, his conscience had at times reproached him. With these

words, or words to this effect, he committed the boys to my especial

care, adding the suggestion that I begin my services by putting myself

actively in touch with them in their various sports, pursuits and

pastimes.

In this connection the Boy Scout movement at once occurred to me, but

promptly I put it from me. From a cursory investigation I gleaned that

no distinctions of social caste were drawn among the Boy Scouts; that

almost any boy of a given age, regardless of the social status of his

parents, might aspire to membership, or even to office, providing he but

complied with certain tests--in short, that the Boy Scouts as at present

constituted were, as the saying goes, mixed.

Very naturally I desired to restrict my activities to boys coming from

homes of the utmost culture and refinement, where principles of

undoubted gentility were implanted from the cradle up. Yet it would seem

that the germ of the thought touching on the Boy Scouts lingered within

that marvellous human organism, the brain, resulting finally in

consequences of an actually direful character. Of that, however, more

anon in its proper place.

Pondering over the problem after evensong in the privacy of my study, I

repaired on the day following to Doctor Tubley with a plan for a course

of Nature Study for boys, to be prosecuted indoors. I made a point of

the advantages to be derived by carrying on our investigations beside

the student lamp during the long evenings of early spring, which were

then on us. What, I said, could be more inspiring, more uplifting, more

stimulating in its effects on the impressionable mind of a boy than at

the knee of some older person to wile away the happy hours learning of

the budding of the leaflet, the blossoming of the flowerlet, the

upspringing of the shootlet, and, through the medium of informative

volumes on the subject by qualified authorities, to make friends at

first hand, so to speak, with the wild things--notably the birdling, the

rabbit, the squirrel? Yes, even to make friends with the insects,

particularly such insects as the bee and the ant--creatures the habits

of industry of which have been frequently remarked--besides other

insects too numerous to mention.

And, finally, what could better serve to round out an evening so

replete with fruitful thought and gentle mental excitement than a

reading by some member of the happy group of an appropriate selection

culled from the works of one of our standard authors--Wordsworth,

Longfellow or Tennyson, for example? What, indeed?

To my surprise this plan, even though set forth with all the unstudied

eloquence at my command, did not appear deeply to appeal to Doctor

Tubley. I surmised that he had attempted some such undertaking at a

previous period and had met with but indifferent success. He said that

for some mysterious reason the nature of the growing boy seemed to

demand action. My own observation subsequently was such as to confirm

this judgment.

In passing I may say that this attribute remains to me one of the most

unfathomable aspects of the complex juvenile mentality as commonly

encountered at present. Though still a comparatively young

man--thirty-eight on Michaelmas Day last past--I cannot conceive that as

a lad I was ever animated with the restless, and I may even say

mischievous, spirit that appears to dominate the waking hours of the

youth of an oncoming generation.

For proof of this assertion I would point to the fact that a great-aunt

of mine, living at an advanced age in the city of Hartford, Connecticut,

continues even now to treasure a handsomely illustrated and fitly

inscribed copy of Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress," complete in one volume,

which was publicly bestowed on me in my twelfth year for having

committed to memory and correctly repeated two thousand separate

quotations from the Old Testament--an achievement that brought on an

attack resembling brain fever. I do not record this achievement in a

spirit of boastfulness or vanity of the flesh, but merely to show that

from a very early stage of my mundane existence I was by nature studious

and ever mindful of the admonitions of my elders. Indeed, I do not

recall a time when I did not prefer the companionship of cherished and

helpful gift books to the boisterous and ofttimes rough sports of my

youthful acquaintances.

But I digress; let us revert: Abandoning my scheme for a series of

indoor Nature studies, since it did not meet with the approval of my

superior, I set myself resolutely to the task of winning the undivided

affection and admiration of the lads about me. On meeting one in the

public highway or elsewhere I made a point of addressing him as "My fine

fellow!" or "My bright lad!" of patting him on the head and gently

ruffling his hair or twitching the lobe of his ear in a friendly way,

and asking him, first, what his age might be, and, second, how he was

doing at his books.

These questions being satisfactorily answered in the order named, I

would then say to him: "Ah, what a large sturdy lad we are becoming, to

be sure!" or "Heigho, then, soon we shall be ready to don long trousers,

shall we not?" And I would also be particular to enquire regarding the

health and well-being of his parents, and so on, and to ascertain how

many little brothers and little sisters he had, if any; usually coupling

these passing pleasantries with some quotation aimed to inspire him to

thoughtful reflections and worthy deeds. Yet to me it seemed that the

lads actually sought to avoid these casual intercourses.

Attributing this to the excusable timidity of the young, I persisted,

being determined to put myself on a footing of complete understanding

with them. I sought them out in their hours of relaxation, there being a

large vacant lot or enclosure adjacent to the parish house where they

were wont to meet and mingle freely in their customary physical

exercises and recreations. Here again, from time to time, I proffered

certain timely hints and admonitions for their better guidance.

For example, I sought to discourage the habit so prevalent among them of

indulging in shrill, indiscriminate outcry when moved by the excitement

of the moment. Repeatedly I advised them to practise in concert three

hearty cheers, these to be immediately followed, should the exuberance

of the occasion warrant, by a ringing tiger. This I recall was the

invariable habit of the playfellows described in such works as "Sanford

and Merton" and "Thomas Brown's Schooldays." I also urged on them the

substitution of the fine old English game of cricket for baseball, to

which I found them generally addicted. It is true I had never found

either opportunity or inclination for perfecting myself in one or both

of these games; but the pictured representations of cricket games, as

depicted in books or prints, showing the participants dotted about over

a smooth greensward, all attired in neat white flannels and all in

graceful attitudes, convinced me it must be a much more orderly and

consequently a more alluring pastime than the other.

To me, if I may venture to say so, baseball has ever seemed most untidy.

Personally I can imagine few things more unseemly than the act of

sliding through the dust in order the more expeditiously to attain a

given base or station; and even more objectionable, because so

exceedingly unhygienic, is the custom, common among these youthful

devotees, of expectorating on the outer surface of the ball before

delivering the same in the direction of the batsman.

I succeeded in inducing my young friends to allow me to drill them in

the choraled cheer. As I remarked repeatedly to them: "Why noise at all,

young gentlemen? But if we must have noise let us have it in an orderly

fashion and in accordance with the best traditions of the Anglo-Saxon

race, from which all of us have or have not sprung as the case may

be--to wit, as follows: Huzza! Huzza! Huzza! Tiger!" But, with the

exception of one or two lads of a docile demeanour, I made no noticeable

headway in my project for substituting cricket for baseball.

Nor did my recommendation of the adoption of a uniform attire for all

the lads attending the private school maintained by St. Barnabas' meet

with any more favourable reception. Personally I was greatly attracted

to the costume provided at Eton. It impressed me that the short,

close-buttoned jacket, exposing the sturdy legs, and so forth, the neat

linen collar and cuffs, and the becoming black tie, the whole being

surmounted by the high hat, with its air of dignity, all combined to

form ideal apparel for the growing lad. Some of the mothers to whom I

broached the thought viewed it with considerable enthusiasm, but among

the boys themselves an unaccountable opposition immediately developed.

The male parents likewise were practically united in their objections.

One husband and father, whose name I shall purposely withhold, actually

sent me word he would swear out an injunction against me should I

undertake to dress his innocent offspring up as a monkey-on-a-stick--the

objectionable phraseology being his, not mine. In all charity I was

constrained to believe that this gentleman's nature was of a coarse

fibre. Had he, I asked myself dispassionately, had he no veneration for

the hallowed memories and customs of a great English institution of

learning? I was impelled to answer in the negative.

Thus time wore on until the beginning of the mid-year vacation drew near

apace. It was at this juncture that the idea of an organisation similar

in character to the Boy Scouts occurred to me. I decided to borrow the

plan, with certain modifications, confining the membership exclusively

to our best families.

Accordingly, on the first Saturday afternoon in the month of May I

called a chosen group of lads together and explained to them my purpose,

finding to my gratification that they welcomed it with the utmost

enthusiasm. Possibly my manner of setting forth the project of an outing

appealed to them even more than the project itself. I recall that, in

part, I spoke as follows:

"With me as your leader, your guide, your mentor, we shall go forth into

the open, to seek out the bosky dell; to pierce the wildwood tangle; to

penetrate the trackless wilderness. Our tents shall be spread alongside

the purling brook, hard by some larger body of water. There, in my

mind's eye, I see us as we practise archery and the use of the

singlestick, both noble sports and much favoured by the early Britons.

There we cull the flowers of the field and the forest glade, weaving

them into garlands, building them into nosegays. By kindness and

patience we tame the wild creatures. We learn to know the calls of the

wildwood warblers, which I am credibly informed are many and varied in

character; and by imitating those calls we charm the feathered minstrels

to leave their accustomed haunts on the sheltering bough and to come and

perch on our outstretched hands.

"We lave our limbs in the pellucid waters of the lake or large body of

water just referred to. We briskly project ourselves to and fro in a

swing of Nature's own contriving, namely, the tendrils of the wild

grapevine. We glean the coy berry from its hiding place beneath the

sheltering leafage. We entice from their native element the finny

denizens of the brawling stream and the murmuring brook. We go quickly

hither and yon. We throb with health and energy. We become bronzed and

hardy; our muscles harden to iron; our lungs expand freely and also

contract with the same freedom, thus fulfilling their natural function.

"We find the day all too short, too fleeting. And by night about the

crackling camp fire our happy voices, all united, are uplifted in song

and roundelay. So, at length, wearied but happy, we seek repose in

refreshing slumber until the rising sun or orb of day summons us to

fresh delights, new discoveries, added experiences!"

My imaginative picturing of the prospect had its desired results.

Without loss of time all present, they being twelve in number, enrolled

as members. From the minutes of this, our first meeting, as kept by me

in a neatly lined book, which I had bethought me to provide for that

purpose, I herewith enumerate the roster: Master Pope, Master Stickney,

Master Worthington, Master MacMonnies, Master E. Smith and Master H.

Smith--brothers, Master Odell, Master French, Master Horrigan, Master

Ferguson, Master Dunworthy, and Master W. Smyth--nowise related to the

foregoing Masters Smith, the name being spelled, as will be noted, with

a y.

I was particularly pleased that Master Percival Pope should be included

in our little band, for he was one to whom instinctively I had been

attracted by reason of the gentle and almost seraphic expression of his

mild blue eyes, his soft voice and his great politeness of manner.

Next in order there arose for consideration two very important

matters--the selection of a title or cognomen and the choice of a

suitable costume. Charging myself with the working out of an appropriate

costume design, I invited suggestions for a club name, at the same time

proffering several ideas of my own. Among those that were tendered I

recall the following: the Young Gentlemen Forest Rangers, the Chevalier

Bayard Wildwood League, the Rollo Boys, the Juvenile Ivanhoes, the

Buffalo Bill Kiddos, the Young Buffaloes of the Wild West, the Junior

Scalp Hunters, the Desperate Dozen, and the Johnnies-on-the-Spot.

I deem it well-nigh unnecessary to state that the first four suggestions

emanated from my pen: the remaining five being fruitage of the inventive

fancies of my young friends.

We spent some time canvassing over the proposed cognomens, rejecting

this one for one reason, that one for another reason. None seemed to

give general satisfaction. Those which especially pleased me--such, for

instance, as the Rollo Boys--met with small approbation from my young

compatriots, and vice versa.

At length, in the interests of harmony, I proposed that each member

should confer with his parents, his guardian or his kind teacher, with a

view to striking on a suitable choice, always bearing in mind that the

proposed name should carry with it a thought of the woody glade, the

craggy slope, the pebbly beach--in short, should remind one of Nature's

choicest offerings. As I said: "Not infrequently two heads are better

than one; how much more desirable then to enlist the aid of a large

number of heads?" So saying, I gave the signal for adjournment until the

following Monday evening at the hour of eight-thirty of the clock.

Pursuant to adjournment we met at the appointed hour and speedily

arrived at a solution of our problem. One of our group--which one I

shall not state, since he was the son of that same gentleman who had

used such unwarranted and inconsiderate language regarding my Eton suit

plan--presented a slip of paper bearing a line in the handwriting of his

father. I opened and read it.

In brief the writer's idea was that we should call our organisation the

Young Nuts of America, and that the leader, master or commander should

be known as Chief Nut or Principal Nut. Coming from a gentleman who had

expressed himself so adversely regarding a former project that had been

close to my heart this manifestation of interest on his part touched me

profoundly. Moreover, his suggestion appeared to my conceptions to be

both timely and effective, carrying with it, as it did, a thought of the

opening of the burs, of the descent of autumn on the vernal forest, of

the rich meatiness of the kernel; a thought of the delectable filbert,

the luscious pecan and the succulent walnut--the latter, however, having

a tendency to produce cramping sensations when partaken of to excess.

These sentiments my youthful adherents appeared to share with me, for on

my reading the paper aloud there followed an outburst of cheering, not

unmixed with happy laughter. Checking them with a mild reminder that

this was not a laughing matter, I put the proposition to a vote, and it

was decided unanimously that we should be known as the Young Nuts of

America and that my official title should be Chief Nut.

Master Pope then moved, seconded by Master Horrigan, that for the time

being we should keep the name of our club a secret among ourselves. To

me there seemed no valid reason for this and I so stated; but

appreciating their boyish fancy for creating an air of pleasant and

innocent mystery about whatever undertaking in which they might be

engaged, I soon waived my objection and it was so ordered by

acclamation.

In this connection I desire to make a statement which may come as a

surprise to many, and that is this: I have but lately--within the past

few days, in fact--been informed that among persons addicted to the vice

of slang the term nut is occasionally applied to other persons whom they

suspect of being mentally incapable or, in short, deranged.

Personally I see no possible connection between a nut, either of some

wild species or of a domesticated variety, and one who, alas, is bereft

of reason. I trust, furthermore, that I am not of a suspicious nature,

and assuredly I am loath to impugn sinister motives to any fellow

creature; but, in view of this, to me, astonishing disclosure, I am

impelled to believe either that the gentleman in question was himself

ignorant of the double meaning of the word or that he deliberately

conspired within himself to cast ridicule not only on me but on the band

of which his own son was a devoted adherent.

Be that as it may, our next meeting was set for that evening one week

thence, at which time I promised my youthful followers I would appear

before them with colour plates of the costume selected by me for wear on

our outings; and also that I would bring all requisite information

regarding the proper methods of marching, camping, and so on.

Herein I practised some small measure of deceit, for the costume itself

was already fully designed and a copy of it, intended for my own use,

was nearing completion in competent hands; but I purposely withheld that

information, intending to come before them properly accoutred as a happy

surprise, as it were.

In my hours of leisure I had given no little thought to this matter, and

finally enlisted the assistance of Miss Dorothea Peebles, who is well

known as a member of our parish, and also does plain sewing and

dressmaking. I called on Miss Peebles and explained to her the

situation; and after an hour spent in conference we devised a garb that

seemed to both of us eminently suited to the needs to which it would be

put.

At the outset of our interview certain small differences of opinion

asserted themselves. Miss Peebles' original suggestion of a modification

of what she called the Little Lord Fauntleroy suit, to be constructed of

black velvet with a flowing sash and lace cuffs, hardly seemed adapted

to our purpose. I was also impelled gently to veto her next notion,

which was for a replica of the apparel commonly attributed to the

personage known as Robin Hood and his deluded adherents. As I was at

some pains to elucidate for her understanding, I could never countenance

any recognition, however remote, of an individual of the type of Robin

Hood, who, however noble and generous he may have been in certain

aspects, was beyond peradventure a person of uncertain moral character.

Furthermore, the colour favoured by her--hunter's green--though of a

harmonious tint as regards the prevalent tone of the forest glades

wherein we counted on roaming in a care-free manner, was by reason of

its very name inappropriate, since in a carnal sense we should not be

hunters at all, meaning to woo the wild creatures by acts of kindness

rather than to slay them with lethal weapons.

The costume finally agreed on combined a number of distinctive touches.

The head-dress was a red Scotch cap--tam-o'-shanter I believe is its

common appellation--to be ornamented with a feather or tuft of simple

field flowers. There was to be a loose white blouse with a soft rolling

collar such as sailors wear, marked on the sleeve with any desirable

insignia, and joined or attached to the nether garments by means of a

broad leather belt, set with a buckle. It was my own conception that the

nether garments should be in hue blue, and should end just above the

knees; also, that the stockings should be rolled down on the limbs, thus

leaving the knees bare, after the custom followed by the hardy Tyrolese

and the natives of the Highlands. We agreed that the matter of outer

coats or woven jackets--I dislike the word sweater--for further

protection in inclement atmospheric conditions, should be left to the

dictates of the individual. I deplored this, however, as tending to mar

the general effect.

All this having been arranged, Miss Peebles volunteered to construct a

costume for me according to measurements that, for the sake of the

proprieties, I made myself and sent to her by mail. With my mind

relieved of this duty, I set diligently about the task of acquainting

myself fully with the duties of my position. I procured a number of

helpful works, including among others: "Who's Who Among the Plants,

Flowers, Herbs and Shoots"; "How to Know the Poison Ivy--a Brochure";

"Archery in All Its Branches"; "The Complete Boy Camper," by a Mr. E.

Hough; and an authoritative work on swimming and diving. To the

last-named volume I applied myself with all intensity. I felt that a

thorough knowledge of swimming was essential to my position as guide and

instructor to these young minds.

In my youth I never learned to swim; in fact, I went swimming but once.

On that occasion the water was unpleasantly chilly; and on my venturing

out waist-deep there was a sensation--a delusion if you will--that all

the important vital organs had become detached from their customary

alignments and were crowding up into the throat, impeding utterance and

distracting the thoughts from the work in hand.

Also, on emerging from the pool I found my young companions in a spirit

of mistaken pleasantry had tied my garments into quite hard knots. This

inconsiderate and thoughtless act so disturbed me that I did not repeat

the experiment. Besides, on my returning home and repeating the entire

incident in the family circle my mother admonished me that the downfall

of countless youths properly dated from the day when they first went

swimming with idle comrades without having previously procured the

consent of their parents--a thing which from that hour forth I never

thought of doing.

In order to acquire proficiency at swimming it was imperative on me,

therefore, to start at the beginning. Fortunately the book on this

subject was very explicit in text and contained many charts and diagrams

showing the correct evolutions. With this book open before me at the

proper place I lay prone on the floor, striking out with my arms and

legs according to the printed instructions, and breathing deeply through

the nostrils. It was while I was so engaged that my housekeeper, Mrs.

Matilda Dorcas, came into my room without knocking; for a moment the

situation became mutually embarrassing.

Thereafter when prosecuting my studies I took the precaution to lock my

bedroom door, thus insuring privacy. The result was, within four days I

could compliment myself with the reflection that I had completely

mastered the art of swimming, being entirely familiar with the various

strokes, including the breast stroke, the trudgeon stroke, the

Australian crawl stroke, and others of an even quainter nomenclature.

To the best of my present recollection, it was on a Friday

evening--Friday, the twenty-first ultimo--that Miss Peebles sent to me

by messenger my completed uniform, done up in a paper parcel. Having by

telephone notified the twelve charter members to attend a special called

meeting that evening at the parish house, I repaired to my rooms

immediately after tea and proceeded to attire myself in the costume,

standing meantime before my mirror to study the effect. In the main,

Miss Peebles had adhered to the original design, except that the nether

garments or knickerbockers were of rather a light and conspicuous shade

of blue--I believe this colour tone is known vernacularly as robin

blue--and she had seen fit to garnish their outer seams and the cuffs

of the blouse with rows of white buttons of a pearl-like material and

rather augmented size, which added a decorative but perhaps unnecessary

touch of adornment.

Also, if I may so express myself, there was a feeling of undue publicity

about the throat, this being due to the open collar, and in the vicinity

of the knees. I am somewhat slender of form, though not too slender, I

take it, for my height, standing, as I do, five feet six inches in my

half hose, and I trust I am free from the sin of personal vanity; but I

confess that at the moment, contemplating my likeness in the mirror, I

could have wished my knees had not been quite so prominently

conspicuous, and that the projection of the thyroid cartilage of the

larynx, called vulgarly Adam's apple, had been perhaps a trifle less

obtrusive.

To my slenderness I also attribute a feeling as though all was not well

in the vicinity of the waistline, even though I tightened and

retightened my belt so snugly as to cause some difficulty in respiring

properly. From the time when I ceased to wear short trousers, which

buttoned on, I have ever had recourse to braces or suspenders; and the

lack of these useful but perhaps not beautiful adjuncts to a wardrobe

gave a sensation of insecurity which, for the nonce, proved

disconcerting in the extreme.

Emotions that at this moment I find it hard to interpret in words

actuated me to leave the house in a quiet and unostentatious fashion--by

the back door, in fact--and to proceed on my way to the parish house,

two blocks distant, along a rather obscure side street. I was perhaps

halfway there when through the falling dusk I discerned, approaching

from the opposite direction, three of my parishioners--a Mr. G. W.

Pottinger, whom from our first acquaintance I suspected of possessing an

undue sense of humour, and his daughters, the Misses Mildred and Mabel

Pottinger.

For the moment I was possessed by a mental condition I may define as

being akin to embarrassment. Involuntarily I turned into the nearest

doorway. My object was to avoid a meeting; I tell you this frankly.

Immediately, however, I noted that the door I was about to enter was

the door of a tobacco dealer's shop. As though frozen into marble, I

halted with my hand on the latch. I have never had recourse to that

noxious weed, tobacco, in any form whatsoever, except on one occasion

when, in the absence of camphor, I employed it in a crumbled state for

the purpose of protecting certain woolen undergarments from the ravages

of the common moth.

[Illustration: MAY I ASK WHETHER YOU ARE GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY

SOMEWHERE?]

Indeed, my attitude in regard to tobacco is as firm as that of the

youth, Robert Reed, whose noble and inspiring words on this subject,

embodied in verse form, I have frequently quoted to the growing youth

about me. I realised instantly that to be seen in the apparent act of

leaving or entering the establishment of a tobacconist would, in a

sense, be compromising; so I retreated to the sidewalk just as Mr.

Pottinger and the Misses Pottinger arrived at that precise point.

In the gloaming I fain would have passed them with dignified yet hurried

movement; but they put themselves directly in my path, and as

recognition was now inevitable, I halted, removing my cap with my right

hand while with my left I continued, as I had been doing ever since

leaving my lodgings, to retain a firm grasp on my waistline.

"Good evening!" I said. "Is it not a pleasant evening since the cool of

evening set in? Good evening! Good-bye!" And so I would have continued

on my way.

Mr. Pottinger somehow barred the way. I heard Miss Mildred Pottinger

give voice to a species of gasp, while Miss Mabel, the younger sister, a

young girl and much addicted, I fear, to levity, began uttering a

gurgling, choking sound that somewhat to my subconscious annoyance

continued unabated during the interview which followed.

"Good evening!" said Mr. Pottinger, clearing his throat. "I beg your

pardon, Doctor Fibble, but may I ask--Mabel, please be quiet!--may I ask

whether you are going to a fancy-dress party somewhere?"

"By no means," I replied. "I am en route, sir, to attend a special or

called meeting of our newly formed boys' outing club. These are the

habiliments designed for club use."

"Oh!" he said. "Oh, I see! Mabel, child, kindly restrain yourself. Don't

you see Doctor Fibble and I are talking? Ahem! And is any one besides

yourself going to wear this--er--er--regalia in public?"

Having no sons of his own, Mr. Pottinger naturally would be unacquainted

with the aims and objects of my present activities. Therefore I could

well understand his ignorance.

"Oh, yes, indeed," was my answer; "all of our members are to wear it."

"What will you bet?" Such was his astonishing rejoinder--I say

astonishing, because nothing had been said regarding a wager and

certainly nothing had been farther from my own thoughts.

"What will I bet?" I echoed, for the instant nonplussed. Then

consciousness of what I had just said came to me with a shock. Releasing

my waistband I clasped both my hands before me in an attitude to which I

am much given when desirous of signifying unwonted intensity of

feeling. "Mr. Pottinger," I said gravely, "I never bet. I regard it as a

reprehensible practice. I am bitterly opposed under all circumstances to

the hazard of chance."

"All right! Excuse me," he said; "only it seems to me you're taking one

now. Well, good evening, doctor, and good luck to you! Er--you don't

mind my complimenting you on your gameness, do you?"

And so he departed, continuing as long as he remained in my hearing to

reprehend his younger daughter concerning her unseemly and ill-timed

outbursts.

This episode, trifling though it was, served rather to increase than to

diminish my nervousness; but upon my entering the assembly hall, where

my young friends were gathered together awaiting my coming, all sense of

trepidation vanished, so spontaneous and uproarious was their greeting.

The chorus of lusty young voices raised in instantaneous cheering was to

me sufficient reward for all the pains to which I had been put. One and

all, they manifested the deepest interest in the new uniform.

At the request of Master Pope--he to whom I have already referred in

terms of high praise--I, standing on the small raised platform, turned

round and round slowly, in order that he and his fellows might better

study the effect, the enthusiasm increasing all the time until the sound

was really quite deafening in volume. It was, indeed, a refreshing

experience, following so closely on the Pottinger incident; and I

veritably believe that, had I not grown slightly dizzy, those brave boys

would have kept me revolving there for an hour.

"Now, then, my fine fellows," I said, when the noise had died down, "I

shall distribute among you twelve water-colour drawings, done by your

leader's own hand, showing the general plan and colour scheme to be

followed in executing this costume. Master Pope, will you kindly pass

out these copies to your mates?"

This done and the members being warned to have their uniforms speedily

ready, I announced that on the following Thursday we should embark on

our first invasion of the forest primeval, going for a camping

expedition of three days to the shores of Hatcher's Lake, a body of

water situate, as I had previously ascertained, a distance of forty

miles by rail from the city and four miles more from the station at

Hatchersville, a small village.

"We shall proceed to this obscure hamlet on the steam cars," I

explained, "and thence to our appointed place afoot, bearing our camp

baggage and other accoutrements with us."

With an uplifted hand I checked the outburst that was about to follow

this announcement.

"Remember, please, the proprieties!" I said. "Now then, all together,

after me: Huzza! Huzza! Huzza!--Tiger!"

As the echoes died away Master Horrigan spoke:

"How about tents?" he said.

"How about a cook?" This came from Master E. Smith, the stouter of the

two Smiths with an i.

"How about cots?" This last speaker, as I recall, was Master

MacMonnies.

Other questions of a similar tenor volleyed on me from all quarters.

For a space of time measurable by minutes I was quite taken aback. So

engrossed had I been with the costume, with acquiring skill at swimming,

and with ordering from Boston a genuine English yew bow and a sheaf of

arrows, that until this moment these lesser details had entirely escaped

my attention; but at once my mind was at work on the situation.

I recalled that in the work by Mr. Hough, entitled, "The Complete Boy

Camper," of which, as I have remarked before, I already had a copy by

me, there was a chapter describing how a balmy couch, far superior to

any ordinary bed, might be constructed of the boughs of the spruce, the

hemlock, the cedar, or other evergreen growths indigenous to our

latitude; and also a chapter describing methods of cooking without pots

or pans over a wood fire. The author went so far as to say that bacon

was never so delicious as when broiled on a pointed stick above the

glowing coals in the open air, thus preserving the racy tang of the

woods; while it was stated that the ideal manner of preparing any small

game or fish for human consumption was to roll it in a ball of wet clay

and then roast it in the glowing ashes.

It was set forth that the person in charge of the cooking should never

pluck or skin the game, or even open its interior for the purpose for

which I believe such interiors are opened in similar cases; but that

when the fire had died down and the ball had assumed a bricklike

consistency, one had but to rake the latter forth, whereupon it would

split apart; that the skin, feathers or scales, as the case might be,

adhering to the inner surfaces of the dried clay, would be removed, so

to speak, automatically; and that the innermost contents of the animal,

bird or fish--I hesitate to use the word employed in the book--that the

contents, as I shall call them, would then be found drawn up into a

small, hard knot, leaving the meat ready to be eaten.

The author of the book went on to say that when in the woods he rarely

prepared his food after any other fashion, and that so cooked, with the

addition of a little salt, it was invariably deliciously flavoured--in

short, a dish fit for a king.

Recalling these things, I told the lads they need not concern themselves

with such matters as cots and culinary utensils--that I would take those

matters in hand. I realise now, in the light of subsequent events, that

I spoke o'erhastily; but, inspired with confidence by my readings, I

felt no doubt whatever regarding my ability to master such emergencies

as might arise.

As for tents, I said that with the aid of a small axe I could within a

few minutes, by following certain directions given in "The Complete Boy

Camper," construct commodious and comfortable lean-forwards. The work in

question had spoken of these edifices as lean-tos, but I preferred the

word lean-forwards as being more grammatical and more euphonious as

well.

With a few parting admonitions from me concerning the costume, personal

toilet appendages, the hour of leaving, and so on, the meeting then

broke up, the boys scattering into the darkness with ringing halloos of

unalloyed happiness, all very refreshing to hear, while I wended my

homeward way filled with not unpleasing reflections of the prospect

before me.

However, these thoughts were soon dissipated, for the intervening days

were so filled with labour that I preserve but an indistinct and blurred

recollection of them. Just when I was sure that every imaginable

contingency had been provided for, some other item, unforeseen until

then, would crop up. I was kept busy revising and enlarging my list of

needful articles and scurrying about here and there among tradespeople,

finally staggering home at twilight laden with parcels and quite on the

verge of exhaustion. Really it was very annoying.

Even with the coming of night there was no surcease, for such was my

sense of my own responsibilities that my sleep was much broken. I would

wake with a start from troubled slumber to remember something of

importance that I had until that moment entirely forgotten. I developed

a severe headache and became so distraught that to the simplest

questions I made strangely incongruous answers. Once, at eventide, on

Mrs. Dorcas' coming into my study to enquire what I would have for

breakfast the ensuing morning, I mechanically answered, to the no small

astonishment of that worthy person: "Spruce boughs!"

Nevertheless, the day of departure found me quite prepared. At least I

fancied I was amply prepared for all situations; but who can forestall

the emergencies that may confront one when one, leaving one's accustomed

mode of life, plunges one's self headlong into another sphere, of an

entirely dissimilar aspect? Who, I repeat, can foretell these?

I had meant to proceed afoot to the station, carrying my impedimenta, as

an example of hardihood and endurance for the benefit of my young

adherents; but such was the number of parcels and their awkwardness of

shape and bulk that at the final moment, after I had painfully strained

my arms in an effort to raise the largest pack to my back, and after I

had been repeatedly tripped by the handle of my woodsman's axe, which I

wore in my belt, I suffered Mrs. Dorcas to summon a hired hack or

conveyance. Seated on the rear seat of this vehicle, carrying some of my

equipage in my lap and having the rest piled about me, I was conveyed to

the station.

Seemingly tidings of our excursion had spread, for an unusually large

crowd was gathered on the platform as I drove up. Again, if I must own

it, the old feeling of conspicuousness in regard to my throat and knees

assailed me. Possibly this emotion was accentuated by a trifling

circumstance that eventuated as I sought to alight from the hack.

Hampered by my belongings, I stumbled on the handle of my axe, which

persistently trailed between my limbs, and was thrown headlong between

the wheels, while many of my dislodged parcels descended on me,

retarding my efforts to regain my equilibrium.

Having been assisted to my feet by several bystanders, I lost no time in

entering the waiting room, where, noting that I was apparently the

object of some quite unnecessary curiosity on the part of those

present, I remained in a corner surrounded by my bundles and with my

handkerchief fanning my face, which felt quite warm, until the moment

for departure drew near. Several times during this interval I caught

myself regretting that I had arrived so early; half an hour or more

elapsed before my young followers began to appear, straggling in one by

one.

To my great surprise and no less disappointment I discovered that of all

our number I alone was properly clad and accoutred for this, our very

first outing. In the main the members who appeared were attired merely

in their customary garments. Each in turn explained that for various

reasons he had been unable to secure his completed costume in proper

time. Four of the lads, as I learned at secondhand, through the

diligence of their mothers, had acquired the prescribed apparel; but all

four, strange to say, had been taken ill that very morning and now sent

their excuses, expressing deep regret at being unable to join us.

Really, when I recall what was to occur in my own instance it would

almost seem to one superstitiously inclined that a sort of fatality

attached to the wearing of the garb.

At the last moment Master Dunworthy, our youngest member, arrived in

charge of his mother; and he, I was rejoiced to behold, was properly

apparelled in the regulation red cap, white blouse and light blue nether

garments. A diffidence, with which I could in a measure sympathise,

induced Master Dunworthy to walk closely behind his mother; in fact it

might almost be said he came forward unwillingly, impelled by the firm

grip of the maternal hand on his collar. He was also sobbing audibly,

presumably from homesickness.

With a view to assuaging his distress I made him colour bearer on the

spot and conferred on him the compliment of bearing our flag--white,

with a red border and a design of a large blue filbert in the centre--a

banner of my own designing and worked out by Miss Peebles. I could have

wished the filbert had looked more like a filbert and less like a melon;

but the general effect, I flattered myself, was excellent. Yet the

bestowal of this honour failed to revive the despondent spirits of

Master Dunworthy.

Up to the moment of leaving, I cherished the hope that some of the

absentees would appear, but that was not to be. When with infinite

difficulty I had marshalled my charges aboard the train, amid the

friendly laughter and cheering of the crowd, I found that we were, all

told, but seven in number; and but a moment after we were reduced to

six, since Master Dunworthy unaccountably vanished, leaving the flag

behind him.

So engaged was I in the task of bestowing our seemingly innumerable

trappings properly that the train was actually in motion before I became

cognisant of his disappearance. Convinced that he had been left behind

by accident, I entreated the conductor to return for our colour bearer;

but this the conductor refused to do, saying it was enough to be running

a circus train without having to back up every time one of the animals

got lost, strayed or stolen. This I took to be a veiled thrust at our

little band and as such I treated it with dignified silence.

We were presently rolling away through the peaceful, sunlit countryside

at an exhilarating speed, and I, little dreaming of what was in store

for me and believing all our troubles were now behind us, felt tempted

to indulge myself in the luxury of drawing several deep breaths of

relief. However, fresh distractions occurred. I was much annoyed to

discern among the remaining lads a romping and disorderly spirit, which

I was at pains to discourage, at first by shakes of the head and frowns,

and ultimately by expressions of open reproof, such as "Tut! Tut!" and

"Pray be done, young gentlemen! I beseech you to be done."

To me it appeared that certain of the adult passengers, by covert signs

and sounds of approval, were actually abetting and encouraging the

urchins in their misbehaviour. Master Pope, alone of all his fellows,

maintained a suitable deportment. As he sat demurely behind me I

observed him in the act of imitating my gestures of reproof to his less

decorous comrades--a manifestation of the emulative spirit which

gratified me no little.

I own that I was much rejoiced to hear the verbal announcement of the

conductor's assistant--known, I believe, as the brakeman--that

Hatchersville would be the next stopping place. True enough, the train,

as though to confirm his words, stopped almost immediately. As we left

the car, myself bringing up the rear and bearing the flag in addition to

my other belongings, some slight delay was occasioned by the flagstaff

getting crosswise in the door opening. As, with the brakeman's good

offices, I succeeded in dislodging it from its horizontal position, a

voice behind me called out, "Good-bye, little Tut-tut!" which offensive

remark was at once caught up by others.

I framed a fitting and, I think, a crushing retort, but before I had

entirely completed it in my own mind the cars had moved on and I found

myself standing with my diminished troop on the platform, surrounded by

a staring ring of rustics of all ages and conditions.

For some reason these persons appeared to labour under the impression

that we constituted some sort of travelling amusement enterprise. One of

them, a person of elderly aspect, asked me what kind of medicine I was

selling, and a number of small boys requested me to shoot with my bow

and arrows for their delectation. Disregarding these impertinences, I

enquired of the elderly man how one might best reach Hatcher's Lake.

"Straight down the main pike," he replied, pointing to a gravel-coated

road winding away toward the top of an adjacent hill; "but it's better'n

three miles, and if you're aimin' to give a free show and sell Injun

Bitters or somethin' you'd a heap better stop right here, because you'd

git a bigger crowd than you would up at the lake."

Rendered pettish, possibly irritable, by the display of an ignorance so

dense and incomprehensible, I waved him aside without deigning to

answer.

"Fall in!" I bade my followers in a military manner; and then, when they

had gathered up their belongings: "Forward--march!"

In his crude vernacular, which I have endeavoured to reproduce

faithfully, the aged rustic had said Hatcher's Lake was better than

three miles distant. I am convinced what he meant was not better but

worse.

As we marched away over the brow of the hill the sun shone down with

excessive and caloric fervour and the dust rose in thick clouds, coating

our lineaments, which already were bedewed with perspiration.

Momentarily the articles that filled my arms and hung on my shoulders

and back grew more cumbersome and burdensome, and speedily I developed a

blistered and feverish condition of the feet or pedal extremities.

I think it must have been at about this time I dropped my shaving

outfit, a wash-rag and my toothbrush out of the breast pocket of my

blouse, and lost, presumably from under my arm, the small parcel

containing my bedroom slippers and a garment intended for nightwear

exclusively. A vial of cold cream, all my spare pocket handkerchiefs,

and the brochure on the peculiarities of the poison ivy also

disappeared during the journey--but at exactly what point I know not and

could not, with propriety, undertake to say. Throughout the march,

however, though well-nigh spent and exhausted, I clung to the other

burdens, holding in my hands and under my arms, among other things, the

bow and arrows, the flag, the axe, a blanket, a cake of soap, and a

small sofa pillow of pale pink which Mrs. Dorcas had insisted on my

bringing with me.

I have not at my command words proper to describe my profound relief

when, after travelling what seemed a great distance, mainly uphill, we

reached a point where, advised by a signpost, we turned off the main

highway into a wooded bypath traversing aisles of majestic forest

monarchs, which seemed to extend for vast distances in every direction,

and came at length to our destination.

How cool seemed the placid mirror of the lake, with its surface

unruffled, or practically so! How inviting the mossy greensward! How

grateful the dense shade! How cooling to parched lips the cool fluid

bubbling from its spring or fountain! To complete enjoyment of this last

named there was but one drawback. We had forgotten to bring any drinking

cups.

Master Horrigan contrived to fashion his hat into some manner of

drinking receptacle, and after some passing reluctance I was induced to

slake my thirst with the aid of this; but I am sure I should never care

to drink regularly from a boy's hat.

Our thirst being sated, the lads manifested an inclination to remove

their garments and dash headlong into the waters of the lake; but I said

them nay.

"All things in order," quoth I, "and one thing at a time, if you please,

my young comrades. First, we must, as the cant word goes, pitch our camp

and prepare our temporary habitations; then shall we partake of suitable

midday refreshment. After which, following a period devoted by me to

helpful discourse and the exercise of the digestive processes on the

part of all present, we may safely consider the advisability of

disporting ourselves in yon convenient sheet or pool of water; but, in

view of our arduous march just completed, I feel that we should be amply

justified in reclining on the greensward for a brief passage of time."

So saying, I set the example by throwing myself in a prone attitude on

the turf; but not for long did I remain thus. Considering its mossy

appearance, the earth seemed unduly hard and strangely unsuited to serve

as a cushion for the recumbent human form. In addition, there was an

amazing prevalence of insect life, all of it characterised by a restless

and constant activity.

Ofttimes have I read verses by our most inspired poets telling of the

delights of lying prostrate within the leafy fastnesses of the forest

deep, but I am forced to believe these poets were elsewhere when engaged

in inditing their immortal lines. On suitable occasions I have myself

indulged in poesy; but I am quite certain I could not court the muse

while ants were crawling on my limbs and even invading my garments, as

in the present instance. Earwigs were also remarked.

So, rising, I cautioned my followers to withdraw themselves to a safe

distance; and then, with the aid of the woodsman's axe--borrowed from

our worthy hardware merchant, Mr. J. T. Harkness, to whom credit is due

for his abundant kindness--I proceeded to fell or cause to fall the

trees of which I proposed constructing our lean-forwards, two or more in

number.

My initial object of attack was a large tree; but, finding its fibres to

be of a singularly hard and resistant nature, and the axe manifesting an

unaccountable tendency to twist in my hands, causing the sides of the

axe rather than its edged portion to strike against the tree, resulting

in painful shocks to my arms and shoulders, I was soon induced to

abandon it for a smaller tree.

In circumference of trunk this second tree was hardly more than a

sapling, yet it required upward of half an hour of the most arduous and

persistent labour, and several large water blisters appeared on the

palms of my hands before it tottered, bent, cracked and finally fell

quivering on the earth. In descending it perversely took the wrong

direction, narrowly escaping striking me in its fall; indeed, one of

its lower limbs severely scratched my left cheek.

Nor did the severed trunk possess the neat and symmetrical appearance I

have noted in the case of trees felled by professional woodsmen. Rather

did it present the aspect of having been gnawed down by slow degrees,

resembling, if I may use the simile, a very hard lead pencil, the point

of which has been renewed with a very dull knife.

A hasty mental calculation now convinced me that at this rate of

progress many hours or possibly days would elapse before I felled a

sufficient number of trees to construct one or more lean-forwards of the

dimensions I had in mind. Desiring opportunity to ponder over this, I

suggested to the lads, who were seated in a row following my movements

with every indication of lively interest, that we desist for the time

from building operations and enjoy luncheon, which announcement was

greeted with audible approval by all.

"Let us build a true woodsmen's camp fire," I said; "and over it I shall

broil for your delectation succulent slices of crisp bacon."

Almost immediately a cheery fire was burning on the shore of the lake.

From the stock of supplies I brought forth a strip of bacon, finding it

much greasier than I had anticipated; I may say I had never before

handled this product in its raw state. I set about removing a suitable

number of slices. Here an unanticipated contingency developed--in the

press of other matters I had failed to provide a knife or other edged

tool with which to slice it. One of the lads produced from his pocket a

small knife; but, suspecting from the appearance of the blade the

presence of lurking bacteria, I used the axe. This gave the slices a

somewhat uneven and ragged appearance.

Affixing a suitable fragment of the meat on a forked stick, I fell to

broiling it. The smoke from the fire proved most annoying. No matter in

what position one placed oneself, or where one stood, this smoke invaded

one's nostrils and eyes, causing choking and smarting sensations. Then,

too, in the early stages of my cooking operations a caterpillar fell

from a bough overhead down the back of my neck.

I was taken quite unaware, I do assure you. I have ever entertained a

distaste, amounting to aversion, for caterpillars, both in an active

living state and when they have been crushed beneath the careless foot.

With me this attained to a deep-rooted antipathy. Even at the sight of

one progressing on a limb or leaf, by wrinkling up its back, I can with

difficulty repress a visible shudder. How much greater the shock, then,

to feel it descending one's spinal column?

I uttered a short, involuntary outcry and, stepping backward, I

encountered some slippery object and was instantly precipitated with

jarring force to the earth. It appeared that I had set my foot on the

strip of bacon, which inadvertently I had left lying on the ground

directly in my rear. An unsightly smear of grease on the reverse breadth

of my blue knickerbockers was the consequence. I endeavoured, though, to

pass off the incident with a pleasant smile, saying merely:

"Accidents will happen in the best-regulated families, will they not?

Oh, yes, indeed!"

The first strip of bacon having fallen in the fire and been utterly

destroyed, I prepared another; and, as Master Pope volunteered to stand

vigilantly on guard behind me and prevent other caterpillars from

descending on me, I resumed my task. Nevertheless, Master Pope's

ministrations proved of small avail. During the course of the next few

minutes no less than six separate and distinct caterpillars, besides a

small black beetle or cockchafer of a most repellent aspect, fell down

my back.

Once, turning my head suddenly, I found Master Pope holding a

caterpillar extended between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand

almost directly above the nape of my neck. He explained that he had

plucked it out of midair as it was in the act of dropping from the

leafage above. I admired his presence of mind greatly, but his courage

yet more. I confess that except to save human life I should never have

the fortitude to grasp a caterpillar with an ungloved hand.

Doubtlessly because of the nervousness occasioned by the prevalence of

caterpillars, the bacon as broiled was not the unqualified success I had

been led to expect from reading Mr. Hough's work. Personally, I could

not grow rapturous over the wildwood tang of which so much has been said

in a complimentary way by other and more experienced campers than

myself. I am inclined to think the wildwood tang must be an acquired

taste.

Altogether, I fear our noontide repast might have proved rather a

failure had it not been that Master Horrigan's mother at the hour of his

departure had bestowed on him a quantity of ham sandwiches and a large

lemon-jelly cake of the layer variety. Eliminating broiled bacon from

our menu we lunched, therefore, on sandwiches and a part of the cake,

the latter in particular being quite agreeable to the palate though in a

somewhat shaken and disturbed state from being transported beneath

Master Horrigan's arm.

The immediate pangs of hunger being assuaged, I craved tea. Tea is the

one stimulant in which I indulge. A cup of moderately strong Oolong,

slightly weakened by the addition of a modicum of cream or hot milk,

with three lumps of sugar in it, is to me a most refreshing drink and

one to which I am strongly drawn. So I set about brewing myself a

portion of tea.

Again backsets developed. I enumerate them: First, I knew nothing,

except by the merest hearsay, of the art of brewing tea. Second, I had

failed to provide myself with a teapot or similar vessel. Third, in the

natural confusion of the moment I had left the tea on board the train.

Fourth, there was no milk, neither was there cream or sugar. A sense of

lassitude, with a slight headache, was the result of my having perforce

to forego my customary cup.

I had meant to devote the hour following the meal to an enlivening

discourse on the joys of outdoor life and communion with Nature in her

devious moods, as the poet hath said, to be couched in language suitable

for the understanding of my hearers. Accordingly, stretching myself

prone on my blanket, with my pink sofa pillow beneath my head, I began

an opening sentence.

Shortly thereafter I must have drifted off; for, on being wakened by the

efforts of an ant to penetrate my inner ear, I discovered, somewhat to

my disapproval since there had been no order to this effect, that the

five youngsters had divested themselves of their outer garbings and were

disporting themselves in the lake--some wading near shore, some diving

headlong from a fallen log that protruded from the bank. A superficial

scrutiny of their movements showed me that, though all were capable of

sustaining themselves in the unstable element, scarce one of them made

any pretence of following out the evolutions as laid down for guidance

in the work entitled "Swimming in Twenty Easy Lessons."

Without loss of time I repaired to the shelter of a near-by thicket,

where I removed my costume and folded it neatly, as is my wont, and

swiftly attired myself in a new bathing suit. In another moment I had

mounted the fallen log and was advancing toward the spot where they

were splashing about.

"Hold, young gentlemen--hold!" I called out, at the same time halting

them with a wave of my hand. "Kindly desist and give to me your

undivided attention. The method employed by you in keeping your persons

afloat is, as I note, faulty in the extreme. By actual demonstration I

shall now instruct you in the rudiments of this graceful art."

With these words, I advanced another step and yet another. At this

instant my foot slipped on the rounded surface of the recumbent tree,

and before I could extend my limbs forth and arrange them in the proper

attitude for making the first stroke, in fact before I had an

opportunity for taking any precautionary measures whatsoever, I was

propelled outward and downward upon the bosom of the lake, striking with

considerable violence on my lower diaphragm.

To my astonishment, I might even say to my most complete astonishment, I

went under practically instantaneously. This immediately induced a

sense of uneasiness, which increased to actual apprehension when I found

it impossible to straighten myself on the water in the posture

illustrated in Diagram A in the first lesson.

Instinctively I felt all was not well with me!

With a view, therefore, to securing temporary assistance until I could

collect myself and regain my customary calmness, I opened my mouth to

utter certain words; but, instead of speech issuing forth, a

considerable volume of water poured down my throat, producing a muffled,

gurgling sound. From this point on my apprehension grew perceptibly

until I grasped the helping hands that were extended to me and, after a

few struggles, was, by the aid of those chivalrous youths, drawn in a

weak and temporarily voiceless condition to safety on the bank.

There for some time I was content to remain, permitting the water I had

inadvertently swallowed to pour forth from my interior, the lads

continuing to frolic about in the treacherous lake until I had entirely

recovered. Thus some time passed. Finally, summoning them to me I stated

that the first swimming lesson was herewith suspended until a more

suitable moment, and gave the command for catching a number of finny

beauties for our evening meal. This, however, was rendered impossible by

reason of our having no fish-hooks or other suitable appurtenances for

catching them. Really, it would seem that for the simplest outing an

almost incalculable number and variety of accessories are needful!

In view of this situation I promptly devised an altered plan of

campaign. Inwardly I had already gained my own consent to abandon the

project of building any lean-forwards for our use on this particular

occasion. I now split our strength into parties of equal number and,

detailing Masters Ferguson and Horrigan to aid me in constructing

woodmen's couches, I assigned to Masters Pope, E. Smith and H. Smith the

task of faring forth into the wilderness that encompassed us to seek the

wild fruit and to kill, as painlessly as possible, sufficient wild game

for our next repast.

At the same time I warned them, above all things, to avoid destroying

the feathered songsters. Under other circumstances I would have decried

slaughtering any living creatures whatsoever; but in the existing

emergency a certain amount of carnage appeared inevitable, for, as I

said to them: "Must we not eat? Shall we not obey Nature's first law?"

To bring about this consummation I intrusted to Master Pope my bow and

sheath of arrows, instructing him verbally, so far as I remembered it,

in the knowledge of using these weapons, as contained in the manual on

that subject, "Archery in All Its Branches."

With merry cries--for the spirits of these brave lads seemed

unquenchable--the three huntsmen moved off through the trees; and at

once their forms were lost to sight, while I gave myself over to

superintending the labours of my chosen aides in the gathering of boughs

of the fragrant evergreen, and in arranging this material at equidistant

intervals about our camp-fire site so as to form six springy couches. As

completed, these couches lacked that luxurious appearance I had been

led to expect; but I consoled myself with the reflection: Pretty is as

pretty does!

We had barely concluded our labours when, with glad halloos, our

returning comrades came into sight bearing the spoils of the chase,

consisting of a brace of large birds, one being black in colour, the

other white, and both quite dead. At once I was struck by the

resemblance of these birds to ordinary barnyard fowls, but Master Pope

explained that they were woodcock. His uncle, Mr. H. K. Pope, our local

poultry dealer, frequently carried such woodcock in stock, he said; so I

was reassured.

Nor was this all. The Masters Smith had picked a considerable quantity

of wild strawberries. Theretofore I had always supposed that wild

strawberries were small, but these berries were really quite large, some

being as large as the adult human thumb. What especially attracted my

attention was the receptacle in which Master E. Smith bore them, it

being of rough, dark earthenware, circular in pattern and plainly of a

primitive design.

On Master Smith's telling me that he had come on this object buried in

the woods, I reached the conclusion that it must be a relic of the early

Mound Builders, those mysterious people who in prehistoric times

inhabited this our continent.

A discovery so interesting at once induced a train of thought. Seating

myself on my sofa pillow, I bade the boys gather about me, and I then

gave an impromptu discourse on the subject of this vanished race,

meantime holding in my hands the earthenware vessel and occasionally

elevating it in illustration as I described the customs and habits of

the Mound Builders so far as known.

Thus by easy stages I progressed onward and downward through the ages to

their successors and inheritors, the red men, or copper-coloured

aborigines, formerly so numerously encountered in this hemisphere, but

now reduced to a diminishing remnant, sequestered mainly in the Far

West, though with small reservations yet remaining, I believe, in

certain of our Eastern States, notably New York and North Carolina.

With his large blue eyes fixed on my face Master Pope listened with the

utmost gravity and attention to my remarks, which behaviour was in

contrast to that of his four associates, who seemed to derive food for

subdued laughter from what was being said. I am often at a loss to

fathom the causes which originate outbursts of levity on the part of our

growing youth; and so it was in this instance.

Carried on and on by the manifold reflections and absorbing interest

attached to my theme, I was surprised to observe that the sun had

declined far down the western horizon. Rising to my feet with some

difficulty, for the unwonted exertions of the day had created a

stiffness of the limbs, I said, in effect, this:

"And now, Young Nuts of America--for here in the remote depths of the

woods, far remote from any human habitation, I feel that I may apply to

one and all the secret appellation we chose for our private

communions--now, my Young Nuts, playtime is over and worktime has come.

See, the hour of evening draws on apace. Night impends, or will

indubitably do so shortly. In anticipation of our first night spent

beneath the starry stars, with only Heaven's blue vault for a canopy,

let us forget the petty annoyances which have in a measure marred our

first day. Did I say marred? No; not that--for these things should be

but object lessons teaching us to profit by them, to perfect ourselves

in woodcraft. So let us be merry, care-free and bright.

"If you will but replenish our camp fire I, for my part, shall take one

of these plump wild fowl, or woodcock, which have fallen before the

prowess of our doughty huntsman and fellow member, Master Pope, and,

without the use of pot or pan, shall prepare for you a true wildwood

dish, of the most delicious and delicate character imaginable. So, fall

to, Young Nuts of America--fall to with a will--and that right gladly!"

Leaving them to their employment, I repaired to the shore of the lake

and, after mastering a somewhat natural repugnance, I made with my hands

a mortar or paste of thick clay, in which I encased the black woodcock.

Try as I might, though, I could not give to the object thus treated a

graceful or finished appearance. Finally, despairing of producing in it

an outward semblance of tidiness, I returned to the camp fire, placed

the completed product in the heart of the flames, and retired a few feet

to await its completion.

In twenty minutes I judged the food should be quite done, but retaining

withal its natural savours and juices: so at the expiration of that

time, by using a stick I drew it forth from its fiery bed and, when the

mass had sufficiently cooled, broke away the earthen covering, while

about me my young compatriots clustered in eager anticipation.

For the reader's sake, and for my own as well, I shall pass hurriedly

over the denouement. Suffice it to say, either the clay used by me had

not been of the proper consistency or this species of woodcock was not

adapted by nature for being cooked after this fashion. None of us--not

even Master E. Smith, in whom I had previously remarked an unfailing

appetite--cared to indulge in the dish. Indeed, it was not until I had

removed the unsightly and gruesome object--these are the only adjectives

that properly describe it--to a point considerably remote from our

camping place that I deemed myself to be sufficiently revived to join

the others in a frugal supper consisting of the remaining sandwiches and

a slice apiece of lemon-jelly cake.

The meal, simple though it was, progressed slowly by reason of the

frequent presence of ants in the viands--principally small black ants of

a lively disposition, though some large black ants were also observed.

Again, at the conclusion of the supper, my thoughts turned with intense

longing to tea.

It had been contemplated that the evening should be spent in a ring

about our camp fire, singing songs and glees and old familiar melodies;

but the oncoming of darkness dispelled in me all desire to uplift the

voice in melodious outpourings. The thickening of the shadows along the

turf, the spectral gleaming of the lake between the trunks of the

intervening trees, the multiplying of mysterious and disquieting night

noises, the realisation that we were isolated in the depths of the

forest--all these things had a dispiriting influence on my thoughts.

In addition, the mosquitoes proved exceedingly pernicious in their

activities and in their numbers as well. The cool of the evening

appeared but to give zest and alacrity to their onslaughts. Under their

attacks my companions bore up blithely--in sooth, I have naught but

admiration for the commendable fortitude displayed by those gallant

youths throughout--but I suffered greatly in various parts of my

anatomy, notably my face, neck, hands and knees.

In the absence of authoritative information on the subject I hesitate to

commit myself firmly to the definite assertion, but I feel warranted in

the assumption that there can be no mosquitoes in the Tyrol, else the

Tyrolese, albeit a hardy race, would assuredly have modified their

tribal dress in such a way so as to extend the stockings up higher or

the trousers down lower.

Even at the risk of destroying the historical verities, I now regretted

exceedingly that I had not of my own initiative altered my costume in

such a way as to better protect the joints of the knees.

At a comparatively early hour I gave the signal for retiring and each

one sought his couch of fragrant balsam. After exchanging boyish

confidences in half-whispered undertones for some time, and occasionally

breaking forth into smothered fits of laughter, my followers presently

slept.

My own rest, however, was of a most broken and fragmentary character. A

variety of reasons contributed to this: the chill; the sense of

loneliness and, as it were, of aloofness; the mosquitoes, which

continued to hold, as the saying goes, high carnival; the lack of

suitable food; my depression of spirit; and my bodily discomforts--to

cite a few of the principal causes.

In addition to being racked in practically all of my various members,

blistered as to hands and feet, and having a very painful scratch on my

nose, I was exceedingly sun-burned. I failed to mention this detail

earlier. I am naturally of a light, not to say fair, complexion, and the

walk of the morning had caused my skin to redden and smart to a more

excruciating extent than I remember to have ever been the case on any

similar occasion.

I am forced to the conclusion that the pleasure to be derived from

sleeping on a bed of spruce or hemlock boughs has been greatly

overestimated by those who have written and spoken with such enthusiasm

on the topic. To me the prickly, scratchy sensation imparted by contact

with the evergreen was such as to counterbalance the delights of

inhaling its tonic and balsamic fragrance.

Likewise, until a late hour my blanket kept slipping or sliding off my

recumbent form, exposing me to the rigors of the night wind. No sooner

did I draw it snugly about my shivering form than it would crawl--crawl

is exactly the word--it would crawl off again. Finally, in feeling about

to ascertain if possible the reason for this, my fingers encountered a

long string, which was securely affixed to a lower corner of my

covering.

In the morning, on my mentioning this curious circumstance, Master Pope

spoke up and informed me that, being roused during the night and noting

that I was experiencing great difficulty in keeping properly covered, he

had quietly affixed a string to a lower corner of the blanket in the

hope of anchoring it the more firmly in position. More than ever my soul

went out to him in gratitude for the thoughtfulness of his act, even

though it had failed of its desired effect.

Overborne and spent with sheer weariness I must have dropped off

finally; probably I slept for some hours. Shortly before the dawning I

wakened with a start and sat up, then instantly laid myself down again

and at the same time placed my hands on my bosom to stay the rapid

beating of my heart; for I had become instantly aware of the immediate

proximity of some large creature. There was a rustling of the bushes,

the sound drawing ever nearer and nearer; there was a sniffing noise,

frequently increasing to a snort. With my eyes above the upper hem of

my blanket I strained my vision in the direction from which the

disturbance proceeded. To my agitation I perceived in the greyish gloom

a large, slowly shifting black bulk, distant but a few paces from me.

Naturally, I thought of bears.

In this emergency I may say, in all modesty, that I retained my entire

self-possession. Extending wide my arms in a threatening gesture I

uttered the first exclamation that entered my mind. In a tense but

intimidating tone of voice I said, "Shoo! Shoo!" repeating the

ejaculation with emphasis until, to my relief, the creature moved off

into the thickets and came no more, being daunted, doubtless, by my

aggressive and determined mien.

For reasons I deemed amply sufficient I did not rise to hasten the

retreat of the invading beast, nor did I waken my slumbering young

companions. I reflected that, as their guide and protector, it was my

duty to spare them all possible uneasiness. Inspired by this thought,

therefore, I made no subsequent mention of the adventure; but on

undertaking a private investigation some time after daylight I found the

remaining wild strawberries were all gone; the receptacle that had

contained them lay overturned and empty on the ground.

Recalling then that bears are reputed to be excessively fond of sweet

things I put two and two together and by this deductive process I

confirmed my earlier suspicions. It had indeed been a bear! And what,

but for my presence of mind, might have been the dire results? I could

with difficulty repress a shudder. But I anticipate myself by some

hours. We will go back to the time of the nocturnal, or perhaps I should

say prematutinal, visitation.

Made abnormally wakeful by that which had just occurred, I remained for

a considerable time retired well down under the covering as regards my

person, but with my eyes open and every sense on the alert. Eventually,

however, my vigilance relaxed and I seemed to drift off; and I remained

wrapped in fitful slumber until rewakened by a persistent pattering on

my blanket. It would appear that for some time past rain had been

falling. I was quite damp and my limbs were much chilled, and I had

already begun to develop certain unfailing signs of a severe cold in the

head--a malady to which I am subject.

The rain soon ceased, however; and, beyond confirming the evidence of

the bear's visit as just stated, nothing further marked our rising

except my discovery that in tossing about during the night I had broken

both the crystals of my eyeglasses.

Breakfast was far, oh! far from being a cheerful meal, consisting as it

did of water from the lake and the crumbled, ant-ridden fragments of the

lemon-jelly layer cake. Once more the thought of a steaming hot cup of

tea came to me with compelling insistency, provoking an almost

overpowering longing for the comforts of some roofed and walled

domicile, howsoever humble. I shall not deny that at this moment the

appurtenances and conveniences of modern civilisation appealed to me

with an intensity hard to describe in language.

Moreover, I was forced to the conclusion that, because of circumstances

over which we had no control, our outing thus far had in a number of its

most material aspects been far from an unqualified triumph.

Yet so well did I conceal my innermost sentiments from my juvenile

companions that soon, in response to my smiling looks and apt remarks,

they were crying out with laughter--indeed, responding with resounding

guffaws to my every sally. When I tell you my countenance was quite

covered over with blisters, where not disfigured by the welts inflicted

by the venomed darts of the mosquitoes, you will perhaps more readily

understand what these efforts to assume a buoyant bearing and a happy

expression cost me.

Shortly after finishing the last of the lemon-jelly cake the five

youngsters manifested an inclination to fare away into the forest on a

joint journey of exploration. I did not seek to dissuade them--rather, I

encouraged them and by all the means in my power expedited their

departure; for, in truth, I longed for a time to be alone. I hoped, in

the silence and solitude of these trackless wilds, to formulate

suitable and reasonable excuses for cutting our outing short and

returning before nightfall to the several places of our habitation,

there at our leisure to plan another expedition under what, I fondly

trusted, would be more favourable auspices.

Furthermore, I sought an opportunity for taking in privacy an extensive

swimming lesson. Since the afternoon before I had felt my technic in

swimming was deficient, and I was determined to persevere in rehearsals

of the various evolutions until I had become letter perfect. Lastly, I

desired to give my cold a treatment in accordance with an expedient that

had just occurred to me.

No sooner had the lads scampered away, making the vast grove ring amain

to their acclaims, than I began my preparations. Ordinarily, when

afflicted by a catarrhal visitation, it is my habit to use for

alleviation cubeb cigarettes. Having none of these about me and having

in some way mislaid my sole pocket handkerchief, I now hoped to check

the streaming eyes--and nose--and soothe the other symptoms of the

complaint by inhaling the aromatic smoke of burning balsam.

I placed many sprigs of cedar on the camp fire. Immediately a thick,

black cloud rose. A short distance away, on a flat stretch of turf, I

spread my blanket, placing in the centre of it my pink sofa pillow.

Midway between fire and blanket I deposited the earthen relic that had

contained the wild strawberries, having previously filled it with water

from the lake. I state these things circumstantially because all this

has a bearing on what was shortly to ensue.

All things being arranged to my satisfaction, I proceeded to go through

the following routine: First, stretching myself prostrate and face

downward on the blanket, with the central portion of my person resting

on the sofa pillow as a partial prop or support, I would count aloud

"One--two--three--go!" and then perform the indicated movements of

Swimming Lesson Number One, striking out simultaneously with my arms and

lower limbs.

When wearied by these exertions I would rise, and visiting the fire

would bend forward over it, inhaling the fumes and vapours until

suffocation was imminent, anon returning to the blanket to resume my

swimming exercises; but in going and in coming I would halt to lave my

face, hands and knees in the cooling water contained in the receptacle.

I imagine, without knowing definitely, that I had been engaged in these

occupations for perhaps half an hour, and felt that I had made

commendable progress in my swimming. At a moment when I was extended

prone on the blanket, counting rapidly as I mastered the breast stroke,

that subtle, subconscious instinct possessed by all higher and more

sensitive organisms suddenly warned me that I was no longer alone--that

alien eyes were bent on me.

Suspending my movements I reared myself on my knees and peered about me

this way and that. Immediately an irrepressible tremor ran through my

system. Directly behind me, armed with a dangerous pitchfork and

maintaining an attitude combining at once defence and attack, was a

large, elderly, whiskered man, roughly dressed and of a most

disagreeable cast of countenance.

At the same moment I observed, stealing softly on me from an opposite

direction, a younger man of equally formidable aspect; and, to judge by

certain of his facial attributes, the son of the first intruder. I

shortly afterward ascertained that they were indeed father and

offspring. The younger marauder bore a large, jagged club and carried a

rope coiled over his arm.

I will not deny that trepidation beset me. What meant the presence of

this menacing pair here in the heart of the forest? What meant their

stealthy advance, their weapons, their wild looks, their uncouth

appearance? Assuredly these boded ill. Perhaps they were robbers,

outlaws, felons, contemplating overt acts on my life, limbs and

property! Perhaps they were escaped maniacs! With a sinking of the heart

I recalled having heard that the Branch State Asylum for the Insane was

situate but a few short miles distant from Hatchersville!

[Illustration: UNTIL HE LOOMED ALMOST ABOVE MY KNEELING FORM]

It may have been that my cheeks paled, and when I spoke my voice

perchance quivered; but I trust that in all other respects my demeanour

in that trying moment was calm, cool and collected. I meant to temporise

with these intruders--to soften their rough spirits by sweetness and

gentleness of demeanour.

"Good morning!" I said in an affable and friendly tone, bowing first to

one and then to the other. "Is it not, on the whole, a pleasant morning

after the refreshing showers that have fallen?"

Instead of responding in kind to my placating overtures, the attitude of

the whiskered man became more threatening than ever. He took several

steps forward, holding his pitchfork before him, tines presented, until

he loomed almost above my kneeling form; and he then hailed his

accomplice, saying, as nearly as I recall his language:

"Come on, son! We've got him surrounded! He can't git away now! He's our

meat!"

My heart now sank until it could sink no more. I was palpitant with

apprehension, as who similarly placed would not have been? Their meat!

The meaning of the sinister phrase was unmistakable. These must indeed

be maniacs of a most dangerous type!

"Young feller," continued the elderly man, fixing his glaring eyes full

on me, "before we go any farther with this little job, would you mind

tellin' me, jest for curiosity, whut you was doin' jest now down on that

there sofa pillow?"

In this matter, at least, I could have no wish or intent to deceive him.

"Sir, I was taking a swimming lesson," I said with simple courtesy.

"A which?" he said as though not hearing me aright.

"A swimming lesson," I repeated plainly, or as plainly as I could

considering my agitation and the fact that the cold in my head had

noticeably thickened my utterance, making it well-nigh impossible for me

to give the proper inflection to certain of the aspirates and

penultimates.

"Oh, yes," he said; "I see--a--a--swimming lesson. Well, that certainly

is a mighty cute idee."

"I am glad you agree with me," I said. "And now, my good fellows, if you

have any business of your own to attend to--elsewhere--I should be more

than pleased if you proceeded on your way and left me undisturbed. I

have much to engage my mind at present, as you may have noted."

"Oh, there ain't no hurry," he said. "I figger we'll all be goin' away

from here purty soon."

At this moment the son checked his advance and, stooping, raised aloft

the same earthenware vessel of which repeated mention has heretofore

been made.

"Here she is, all right, dad!" was his cryptic statement. "I guess we

never made no mistake in comin' here."

The father then addressed me.

"Mister," he said, "mout I enquire where you got that there crock?"

"That, my good sir," I informed him, "is not a crock. It is a Mound

Builder's relic, unearthed but yesterday in the forest primeval."

"In the forest which?"

"The forest primeval," I enunciated with all the distinctness of which

I was capable.

"And whut, if anythin', have you been doin' with it beside anointin'

them features of yourn in it?" Again it was the father who spoke.

"It formerly contained wild strawberries," I answered, "some of which

were consumed for food, and the rest of which were carried away under

cover of nightfall by a bear."

He stared at me.

"A bear?" he reiterated blankly.

"Certainly," I said; "undoubtedly a bear--I myself saw it. A large, dark

bear."

"And whut about this here?" he continued, now beholding for the first

time the remaining woodcock, which hung from the limb of a low tree, and

pointing toward it. "Is that there a Mound Builder's chicken?"

"Assuredly not," I said. "That is a white woodcock. There was also a

black woodcock, presumably a mate of this one; but it--it has been

disposed of. The pair were slain yesterday with bow and arrow in the

adjacent depths of the woodland, which is their customary habitat."

You will note that I constantly refrained from mentioning my youthful

compatriots. Did I dare reveal that I had companions, and by so doing

expose those helpless lads to the unbridled fury of these maniacal

beings, filled with the low cunning and insatiable curiosity of the

insane? No; a thousand times, no! Rather would I perish first. At all

hazards I would protect them--such was my instantaneous determination.

"I git you," replied the bearded man, his tone and manner changing

abruptly from the truculent and threatening to the soothing. "You was

takin' a private lesson in plain and fancy swimmin' on a pink sofa

cushion; and that there ancient and honourable milk crock was willed to

you by the Mound-buildin' Aztecs; and a big bear come in the night and

et up your wild strawberries--which was a great pity, too, seein'

they're worth thirty cents a quart right this minute on the New York

market; and you killed them two pedigreed Leghorn woodcocks with a bow

and arrows in the forest--the forest whutever you jest now called it.

Jest whut are you, anyway?"

"By profession I am a clergyman," I answered.

"And do all the members of your persuasion wear them little sailor suits

or is it confined to the preachers only?" he demanded.