"DEAR MADAM,--We have no hesitation in advising you to have a
bishop in your family. Few purchases give greater satisfaction.
If, as you say, your late maternal grandfather was curate of
Slowden, and was, as far as you are aware, a man of exemplary
character, we could make him a bishop without delay. Your home
being in Kent, it occurs to us that the see of Carlisle would suit
the Right Reverend Prelate best. The cost of the proceedings,
including a pre-dated _Congé d'Élire_, would be eight hundred
guineas. An archbishopric would be slightly more expensive and, in
our opinion, less suitable."
"Amazing," I said.
"But so simple. Here is a letter from a man who wants to have had
forbears in the Navy. We say:--
"'Naturally it would have been an advantage for your son, whom you
destine for the Navy, to have had relations in that service. But
it is not too late to remedy this defect.
"'By virtue of the powers conferred upon us by Act of Parliament
(Ancestry Act, 1922), we are prepared to give your sometime
great-great-uncle William, who, according to family tradition,
always wanted to go to sea, a commission in the Navy, and the
rank of lieutenant, together with appointment to any ship of the
line--with the exception of the _Victory_--which fought under Lord
NELSON. The making out the commission will be put in hand on the
receipt of your cheque for three hundred guineas.'"
"Do you always give satisfaction?"
"Occasionally we have to disappoint people. For instance, this letter
to a lady at Plymouth:--
"'We fear we cannot grant your request to reserve a berth on the
_Mayflower_ for your delightful ancestress, Mrs. Patience Loveday.
The _Mayflower_ is already overcrowded, and, owing to some
ill-feeling raised in America, we decided to resign all interest
in the vessel. Should you desire some other form of Puritan
distinction how would you like to provide yourself with a
non-juring clergyman as an ancestor? We could present any suitable
departed member of your family to a Crown living, and supply
you with an order of ejectment, dated the anniversary of St.
Bartholomew's Day, 1662.'"
"Judging from the address on this letter, 'X. O'Finny, Esq.,' your
jurisdiction extends to Ireland?"
"Yes, Mr. O'Finny wants some persecuted ancestors. We offer to supply
him with a member of his family condemned to be beheaded by order of
QUEEN ELIZABETH, price one thousand, which includes a replica of the
Great Seal of England; or, to have another member shot by order of
CROMWELL, at half the price; or a sentence of hanging in '98. This
would be three hundred only. We advise him to take the complete set at
a reduction, and have no doubt we shall come to terms."
"Have you anything more expensive?" I asked timidly.
"Rather. Here is our answer to Lord--better not give the name,
perhaps; the creation is recent. He wished for a Crusader, but we
explained that the Crusades were not under Government. We offer to
introduce his family name into our authorised supplement to the
Domesday Book for five thousand pounds. I call it cheap at the money.
Now what can we do for you?"
"I must think it over," I stammered.
"Do. You will come back. Pair of Colours, now, for a
great-great-grandfather. How would that suit you? Only five hundred.
Or a place at Court in the Regency? Or, if you wish good business
connection, a directorship of the East India Company? The whole of the
past lies before you. Give your children a fair start in life, that
is what we say. Money is good, education is better, but distinguished
ancestry is best of all."
* * * * *
=Stitches in Time.=
"The breeches on the line between Sini and Jhursagudha have now
been repaired."--_Civil and Military Gazette._
* * * * *
"The King has given Mr. William Armstrong, Director of Criminal
Intelligence of the Shanghai Municipal Police, authority to wear
the Insignia of the Fourth Class of the Order of the Excellent
Crop, conferred on him by the President of the Republic of China,
in recognition of valuable services."--_Times._
We understand that extreme shortness of hair is not the hall-mark of
the Chinese criminal world.
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNDER A CLOUD (WITH A GOLDEN LINING).
COMRADE LANSBURY. "THANKS TO MY FAITHFUL BROLSKI NOT A DROP HAS
TOUCHED ME."
[_Loud crows from "Daily Herald" bird._]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Horrified Sister_ (_to small artist_). "MABEL, YOU'RE
SURELY NOT SUCKING YOUR BRUSH WHEN YOU'RE PAINTING TOADSTOOLS?"]
* * * * *