A scene that occurred at another place where I previously visited may be
considered worthy of notice. I clambered two flights of stairs, and found
myself face to face with a very large woman, answering to the alias of
Madam ----. She was very fleshy, weighing probably two hundred and
thirty-five pounds avoirdupois. Her face was pleasant, and conversation
easy. I handing over the required "picture paper," she tumbled into a
great easy-chair, and, without any pretence to a trance, began,--
[Illustration: "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE."]
"I perceive that you are in love." This was startling news to a bachelor.
"There are two pretty females, one dark-complexioned, the other light."
(This is the usual "dodge," for, if there is a woman in the question, one
of the two is bound to answer this general description.) "Which shall we
follow?" she very teasingly inquired.
"Either that comes handiest," was my indifferent reply.
"Well, the dark one, then. She is tall, fair, and is looking anxiously for
you to propose. Do you know a lady of this description whom you like?" I
regretted that I did not. My "notion" ran to small ladies, of the opposite
complexion. "Well," she said, not the least flurried, "here is one of that
kind." I instantly placed my mind on one of this class,--my sister,--and
she ran on. "She is soon to meet you. She is very rich." (Nellie will be
glad to learn this.) "And I perceive a short-like man looking after her
fortune. But have no concern; she loves you fondly, and you will marry her
very soon. You are going a voyage, or across some water." (How far can one
travel, in this country, without crossing water?) "You will meet an enemy,
who will try to injure you in business."
"What business?" I inquired.
"You are a--yes--mechanic, though your hand is soft. I reckon you've been
sick. Yes--machinist; make coffee-mills. Yes" (looking sharply into my
face). (I was _leading her_!) "Corn poppers are in your line." (I nodded,
and smiled, for how could I refrain from smiling?) "You trade in tin and
earthen ware--chamber ware--spoons--and old boots." (True.) "You own a
splendid house in the city--a large block"-(head).
"Where was I born? Can you see?"
"Yes; you were reared in the country; where there were deep, dark
woods--all woods; in a log house, with thatched roof, and clay and stick
chimney. A pig--am I right?--yes, a pig and a dog are kept in the same
house. The windows are wooden, and--"
"Where was it?" I suggested.
"I should say in Ireland," she replied.
"Enough, I believe. Now about the other lady," I said.
"The dark one? Yes. She loves you, but is poor. Since you are rich, and
a--" Here I tried to impress her that I was married. "You are married, but
your wife will not survive you. No, she will soon go to heaven, and you
will marry the dark-complexioned lady."
"Good," I exclaimed.
"Yes; and will have five boys and three girls."
"Who?"
"Why, the lady, of course."
"O!"
"Yes, and they will be happy and healthy."
Here she informed me I had got my money's worth.