_January_ 11.--Wrote and sent off three of my own pages in the morning,
then walked with Swanston. I tried to write before dinner, but, with
drowsiness and pain in my head, made little way. My friend Will Laidlaw
came in to dinner, and after dinner kindly offered his services as
amanuensis. Too happy was I, and I immediately plunged him into the
depths of _Count Robert_, so we got on three or four pages, worth
perhaps double the number of print. I hope it did not take him too
short, but after all to keep the press going without an amanuensis is
impossible, and the publishers may well pay a sponsible person. He comes
back to-morrow. It eases many of my anxieties, and I will stick to it. I
really think Mr. Laidlaw is pleased with the engagement for the time.
Sent off six close pages.
_January_ 12.--I have a visit from Mr. Macdonald the sculptor, who
wishes to model a head of me. He is a gentlemanlike man, and pleasant as
most sculptors and artists of reputation are, yet it is an awful tax
upon time. I must manage to dictate while he models, which will do well
enough.
So there we sat for three hours or four, I sitting on a stool mounted on
a packing-box, for the greater advantage; Macdonald modelling and
plastering away, and I dictating, without interval, to good-natured Will
Laidlaw, who wrought without intermission. It is natural to ask, Do I
progress? but this is too feverish a question. A man carries no scales
about him to ascertain his own value. I always remember the prayer of
Virgil's sailor in extremity:--
"Non jam prima peto Mnestheus, neque vincere certo;
Quamquam O!--Sed superent quibus hoc, Neptune, dedisti!
Extremos pudeat rediisse: hoc vincite, cives,
Et prohibete nefas!"[414]
We must to our oar; but I think this and another are all that even
success would prompt me to write; and surely those that have been my
defenders
"Have they so long held out with me untired,
And stop they now for breath? Well, be it so."[415]
_January_ 13.--Went to Selkirk on the business of the new high road. I
perceive Whytbank and my cousin Colonel Russell of Ashestiel are
disposed to peep into the expenses of next year's outlay, which must be
provided by loan. This will probably breed strife. Wrote a hint of this
to Charles Balfour. Agreed with Smith so far as contracting for the
Bridges at £1200 each. I suspect we are something like the good manager
who distressed herself with buying bargains.
_January_ 15.--Gave the morning from ten till near two to Mr. Macdonald,
who is proceeding admirably with his bust. It is bloody cold work, but
he is an enthusiast and much interested; besides, I can sit and dictate
owing to Mr. Laidlaw, and so get forward, while I am advancing Lorenzo
di Guasco, which is his travelling name. I wrote several letters too,
and got through some business. Walked, and took some exercise between
one and three.
_January_ 16.--Being Sunday, read prayers. Mr. and Mrs. James[416] go to
look for a house, which they desire to take in this country. As Anne is
ill, the presence of strangers, though they are pleasant, is rather
annoying. Macdonald continues working to form a new bust out of my old
scalp. I think it will be the last sitting which I will be enticed to.
Thanks to Heaven, the work finishes to-morrow.[417]
_January_ 17.--This morning, when I came down-stairs, I found Mr.
Macdonald slabbering away at the model. He has certainly great
enthusiasm about his profession, which is a _sine qua non_. It was not
till twelve that a post-chaise carried off my three friends.
I had wrote two hours when Dr. Turner came in, and I had to unfold my
own complaints. I was sick of these interruptions, and dismissed Mr.
Laidlaw, having no hope of resuming my theme with spirit. God send me
more leisure and fewer friends to peck it away by tea-spoonfuls!
Another fool sends to entreat an autograph, which he should be ashamed
in civility to ask, as I am to deny it. I got notice of poor Henry
Mackenzie's death. He has long maintained a niche in Scottish
Literature--gayest of the gay, though most sensitive of the sentimental.
_January_ 18.--Came down from my bedroom at eight, and took a rummage in
the way of putting things to rights. Dictated to Laidlaw till about one
o'clock, during which time it was rainy. Afterwards I walked, sliding
about in the mud, and very uncomfortable. In fact, there is no mistaking
the three sufficients,[418] and Fate is now straitening its
circumvallations round me. Little likely to be better than I am. I am
heart-whole as a biscuit, and may last on as now for eight or ten years;
the thing is not uncommon, considering I am only in my sixtieth year. I
cannot walk; but the intense cold weather may be to blame in this. My
riding is but a scramble, but it may do well enough for exercise; and
though it is unpleasant to find one's enjoyment of hill and vale so much
abridged, yet still when I enjoy my books, and am without acute pain, I
have but little to complain of, considering the life I have led so long.
"So hap what may;
Time and the hour run through the roughest day."[419]
Mr. Laidlaw came down at ten, and we wrought till one. This should be a
good thing for an excellent man, and is an important thing to me, as it
saves both my eyesight and nerves, which last are cruelly affected by
finding those "who look out of the windows" grow gradually darker and
darker.[420] Rode out, or more properly, was carried out, into the woods
to see the course of a new road, which may serve to carry off the
thinnings of the trees, and for rides. It is very well lined, and will
serve both for beauty and convenience. Mr. Laidlaw engages to come back
to dinner, and finish two or three more pages. Met my agreeable and
lady-like neighbour, Mrs. Brewster, on my pony, and I was actually
ashamed to be seen by her.
"Sir Dennis Brand, and on so poor a steed."[421]
I believe detestable folly of this kind is the very last that leaves us.
One would have thought I ought to have little vanity at this time o'
day; but it is an abiding appurtenance of the old Adam, and I write for
penance what, like a fool, I actually felt.
_January_ 19.--Wrote on by Mr. Laidlaw's assistance. Things go bobbishly
enough; we have a good deal finished before dinner. Henry Scott comes to
dine with me _vis-à-vis_, and we have a grand dish of politics. The
friends of old Scotland want but a signal. A certain great lawyer says
that if Sir W.S. wrote another _Malachi_ it would set more men on fire
than a dozen associations. This almost tempts me. But the canny lad says
moreover that to appeal to national partiality, _i.e._ that you should
call on Scotsmen to act like Scotsmen, is unfair, and he would be sorry
it was known he, late and future placeman, should encourage such paw-paw
doings. Yet if Sir W.S. could be got to stand forlorn hope, the legal
gentleman would suggest, etc. etc. Suggest and be d--d. Sir W.S. knows
when to [doff] his bonnet, and when to cock it in the face of all and
sundry. Moreover, he will not be made a cat's-paw of, look you now.
_January_ 20.--Wrought all morning; a monstrous packet of letters at
mid-day. Borrow honest Laidlaw's fingers in the evening. I hope his pay
will recompense him: it is better than "grieve-ing" or playing
Triptolemus.[422] Should be, if I am hard-working, 100 guineas, which,
with his house, cow, and free rent, would save, I believe, some painful
thoughts to him and his amiable wife and children. We will see how the
matter fudges. Almost finished the first volume.
_January_ 21.--James Ballantyne in ecstasies at our plan of an
amanuensis. I myself am sensible that my fingers begin to stammer--that
is, to write one word instead of another very often. I impute this to
fancy, the terrible agency of which is too visible in my illness, and it
encourages me to hope the fatal warning is yet deferred. I feel lighter
by a million ton since I made this discovery. If I can dictate freely,
and without hesitation, my fear to speak at the meeting about the road
was vain terror, and so _Andiamo Caracci._ Wrote some letters this
afternoon.
_January_ 22.--Mr. Laidlaw rather late of coming. One of his daughters
has been ill, and he is an approved physician. Pity when one so gifted
employs his skill on himself and family for all patients. We got on,
however, to page 46.
_January_ 23.--I wrought a little to-day. Walked to Chiefswood, or
rather from it, as far only as Habbie's Howe. Came home, cold indeed,
but hearty. Slept after dinner. I think the peep, real or imaginary, at
the gates of death has given me firmness not to mind little afflictions.
I have jumbled this and the preceding day strangely, when I went to
Chiefswood and Huntly Burn. I thought this a week-day.
_January_ 24.--Worked with Mr. Laidlaw, and, as the snow was on the
ground, did so without intermission, which must be sinking to the
spirits. Held on, however.
_January_ 25.--Same drizzling waste, rendering my footing insecure, and
leaving me no refuge but in sitting at home and working till one
o'clock. Then retired upon the Sheriff Court processes. Bran,[423] poor
fellow, lies yawning at my feet, and cannot think what is become of the
daily scamper, which is all his master's inability affords him. This
grieves me, by calling back the days of old. But I may call them as I
may,
"Youth winna return, nor the days of lang syne."
_January_ 26.--I have Skene and Mr. M'Culloch of Ardwell, to the relief
of my spirits and the diminishing of my time. Mr. Laidlaw joined us at
dinner.
Bitter cold.
_January_ 27.--So fagged with my frozen vigils that I slept till after
ten. When I lose the first two hours in the morning I can seldom catch
them again during the whole day.
A friendly visit from Ebenezer Clarkson of Selkirk, a medical gentleman
in whose experience and ingenuity I have much confidence, as well as his
personal regard for myself. He is quite sensible of the hesitation of
speech of which I complain, and thinks it arises from the stomach.
Recommends the wild mustard as an aperient. But the brightest ray of
hope is the chance that I may get some mechanical aid made by Fortune at
Broughton Street, which may enable me to mount a pony with ease, and to
walk without torture. This would, indeed, be almost a restoration of my
youth, at least of a green old age full of enjoyment. The shutting one
out from the face of living nature is almost worse than sudden death.
_January_ 28.--I wrote with Laidlaw. It does not work clear; I do not
know why. The plot is, nevertheless, a good plot, and full of
expectation.[424] But there is a cloud over me, I think, and
interruptions are frequent. I creep on, however.
_January_ 29.--Much in the same way as yesterday, rather feeling than
making way. Mr. Williams and his brother came in after dinner. Welcome
both; yet the day was not happy. It consumed me an afternoon, which,
though well employed, and pleasantly, had the disagreeable effect of my
being kept from useful work.
_January_ 30.--Snow deep, which makes me alter my purpose of going to
town to-morrow. For to-day, my friends must amuse themselves as they
can.
_January_ 31 _[to February_ 9, _Edinburgh_].--Retain my purpose,
however, and set out for Edinburgh alone--that is, no one but my
servant. The snow became impassable, and in Edinburgh I remain immovably
fixed for ten days--that is, till Wednesday--never once getting out of
doors, save to dinner, when I went and returned in a sedan chair. I
commenced my quarantine in Mackenzie's Hotel,[425] where I was deadly
cold, and it was tolerably noisy. The second day Mr. Cadell made a point
of my coming to his excellent house, where I had no less excellent an
apartment and the most kind treatment--- that is, not making a show of
me, for which I was in but bad tune.[426] The physical folks,
Abercrombie and Ross, bled me with cupping-glasses, purged me
confoundedly, and restricted me of all creature comforts. But they did
me good, as I am sure they meant to do sincerely; and I got rid of a
giddy feeling, which I have been plagued with, and have certainly
returned much better. I did not neglect my testamentary affairs. I
executed my last will, leaving Walter burdened, by his own choice, with
£1000 to Sophia, and another received at her marriage, and £2000 to
Anne, and the same to Charles. He is to advance them money if they want
it; if not, to pay them interest, which is his own choice, otherwise I
would have sold the books and rattletraps. I have made provisions for
clearing my estate by my publications, should it be possible; and should
that prove possible, from the time of such clearance being effected, to
be a fund available to all my children who shall be alive or leave
representatives. My bequests must, many of them, seem hypothetical; but
the thing, being uncertain, must be so stated.
Besides, during the unexpected stay in town, I employed Mr. Fortune, an
ingenious artist,[427] to make a machine to assist my lame leg,--an odd
enough purchase to be made at this time of day, yet who would not
purchase ease? I dined with the Lord Chief Commissioner, with the Skenes
twice, with Lord Medwyn, and was as happy as anxiety about my daughter
would permit me.
The appearance of the streets was most desolate: the hackney-coaches,
with four horses, strolling about like ghosts, the foot-passengers few
but the lowest of the people.
I wrote a good deal of _Count Robert_, yet I cannot tell why my pen
stammers egregiously, and I write horridly incorrect. I long to have
friend Laidlaw's assistance.