_January_ 1, 1831.--I cannot say the world opens pleasantly with me this
new year. I will strike the balance. There are many things for which I
have reason to be thankful.
_First_.--Cadell's plans seem to have succeeded, and he augurs well as
to the next two years, reckoning £30,000 on the stuff now on hand, and
£20,000 on the insurance money, and £10,000 to be borrowed somehow. This
will bring us wonderfully home.
_Second_.--Cadell is of opinion if I meddle in politics, and I am
strongly tempted to do so, I shall break the milk-pail, and threatens me
with the fate of Basil Hall, who, as he says, destroyed his reputation
by writing impolitic politics. Well, it would be my risk, and if I can
do some good, which I rather think I can, is it right or manly to keep
myself back?
_Third_.--I feel myself decidedly weaker in point of health, and am now
confirmed I have had a paralytic touch. I speak and read with
embarrassment, and even my handwriting seems to stammer. This general
failure
"With mortal crisis doth portend,
My days to appropinque an end."[410]
I am not solicitous about this, only if I were worthy I would pray God
for a sudden death, and no interregnum between I cease to exercise
reason and I cease to exist.
The Scotts of Harden, Pringles of Stitchill, and Russells of Ashestiel,
are all here; I am scarce fit for company though.
_January_ 2.--Held a great palaver with the Scotts, etc.
I find my language apt to fail me; but this is very like to be fancy,
and I must be cautious of giving way to it. This cautions me against
public exertion much more than Cadell's prognostications, which my blood
rises against, and which are ill calculated to keep me in restraint. We
dozed through a gloomy day, being the dullest of all possible thaws.
_January_ 3.--I had a letter from the Lord Chief Commissioner,
mentioning the King's intention to take care of Charles's interests and
promotion in the Foreign Office, an additional reason why I should not
plunge rashly into politics, yet not one which I can understand as
putting a padlock on my lips neither. I may write to L.C.C. that I may
be called on to express an opinion on the impending changes, that I have
an opinion, and a strong one, and that I hope this fresh favour [may not
be regarded] as padlocking my lips at a time when it would otherwise be
proper to me to speak or write. I am shocked to find that I have not the
faculty of delivering myself with facility--an embarrassment which may
be fanciful, but is altogether as annoying as if real.
_January_ 4.--A base, gloomy day, and dispiriting in proportion. I
walked out with Swanston[411] for about an hour: everything gloomy as
the back of the chimney when there is no fire in it. My walk was a
melancholy one, feeling myself weaker at every step and not very able to
speak. This surely cannot be fancy, yet it looks something like it. If I
knew but the extent at which my inability was like to stop, but every
day is worse than another. I have trifled much time, too much; I must
try to get afloat to-morrow, perhaps getting an amanuensis might spur me
on, for one-half is nerves. It is a sad business though.
_January_ 5.--Very indifferent, with more awkward feelings than I can
well bear up against. My voice sunk and my head strangely confused. When
I begin to form my ideas for conversation expressions fail me, even in
private conversation, yet in solitude they are sufficiently arranged. I
incline to hold that these ugly symptoms are the work of imagination;
but, as Dr. Adam Ferguson,[412] a firm man if ever there was one in the
world, said on such an occasion, What is worse than imagination? As Anne
was vexed and frightened, I allowed her to send for young Clarkson. Of
course he could tell but little, save what I knew before.
_January_ 6.--A letter from Henry Scott about the taking ground for
keeping the reform in Scotland upon the Scottish principles. I will
write him my private sentiments, but avoid being a _boute-feu_.
Go this day to Selkirk, where I found about 120 and more persons of that
burgh and Galashiels, who were sworn in as special constables, enough to
maintain the peace. What shocked me particularly was the weakness of my
voice and the confusion of my head attempting to address them, which was
really a poor affair. On my return I found the Rev. Mr. Milne of Quebec,
a friend of my sister-in-law. Another time would have been better for
company, but Captain John Ferguson and Mr. Laidlaw coming in to dinner,
we got over the day well enough.
_January_ 7.--A fine frosty day, and my spirits lighter. I have a letter
of great comfort from Walter, who in a manly, handsome, and dutiful
manner expressed his desire to possess the library and movables of every
kind at Abbotsford, with such a valuation laid upon them as I choose to
impose. This removes the only delay to making my will. Supposing the
literary property to clear the debts by aid of insurances and other
things, about 1835 it will come into my person, and I will appoint the
whole to work off the heritable debt of £10,000. If the literary
property can produce that sum, besides what it has already done, I would
convey it to the three younger children.
_January_ 8.--Spent much time in writing instructions for my last will
and testament. Sent off parcel by Dr. Milne, who leaves to-day. Have up
two boys for shop-lifting. Remained at Galashiels till four o'clock, and
returned starved. Could work none, and was idle all evening--try
to-morrow for a work-day; so loiter on.
_January_ 10.--Went over to Galashiels, and was busied the whole time
till three o'clock about a petty thieving affair, and had before me a
pair of gallows'-birds, to whom I could say nothing for total want of
proof, except, like the sapient Elbow, Thou shalt continue there; know
thou, thou shalt continue.[413] A little gallow brood they were, and
their fate will catch them. Sleepy, idle, and exhausted on this. Wrought
little or none in the evening.
Wrote a long letter to Henry [Scott], who is a fine fellow, and what I
call a heart of gold. He has sound parts, good sense, and is a true man.
Also, I wrote to my excellent friend the Lord Chief [Commissioner]. I
thought it right to say that I accepted with gratitude his Majesty's
goodness, but trusted it was not to bind me to keep my fingers from pen
and ink should a notion impress me that I could help the country. I
walked a little, to my exceeding refreshment. I am using that family
ungratefully. But I will not, for a punctilio, avoid binding, if I can,
a strong party together for the King and country, and if I see I can do
anything, or have a chance of it, I will not fear for the skin-cutting.
It is the selfishness of this generation that drives me mad.
"A hundred pounds?
Ha! thou hast touched me nearly."