A Cure for Conceit.
"It's a most curious, unaccountable thing, but it's a fact," said
the Clockmaker, "the Bluenoses are so conceited, they think they
know everything; and yet there ain't a livin' soul in Nova Scotia
knows his own business real complete, farmer or fisherman, lawyer
or doctor, or any other folk. A farmer said to me one day, up to
Pugnose's inn at River Philip, 'Mr. Slick,' says he, 'I allot this
ain't "A BREAD COUNTRY;" I intend to sell off the house I improve,
and go to the States.' 'If it ain't a bread country,' said I, 'I
never seed one that was. There is more bread used here, made of best
superfine flour, and No. 1 Genesssee, than in any other place of the
same population in the univarse. You might as well say it ain't a
clock country, when, to my sartin knowledge, there are more clocks
than bibles in it. I guess you expect to raise your bread ready made,
don't you? Well there's only one class of our free and enlightened
citizens that can do that, and that's them that are born with silver
spoons in their mouths. It's a pity you wasn't availed of this truth,
afore you up killoch and off; take my advice and bide where you be.'
"Well, the fishermen are jist as bad. The next time you go into
the fish market at Halifax, stump some of the old hands; says you
'how many fins has a cod, at a word?' and I'll liquidate the bet
if you lose it. When I've been along-shore afore now, a-vendin'
of my clocks, and they began to raise my dander, by belittleing
the Yankees, I always brought them up by a round turn by that
requirement, 'How many fins has a cod, at a word.' Well, they never
could answer it; and then, says I, 'When you larn your own business,
I guess it will be time enough to teach other folks their'n.'
"How different it is with our men folk, if they can't get through a
question, how beautifully they can go round it, can't they? Nothin'
never stops them. I had two brothers, Josiah and Eldad, one was a
lawyer, and the other a doctor. They were a-talkin' about their
examinations one night, at a huskin' frolic, up to Governor Ball's
big stone barn at Slickville. Says Josy, 'When I was examined, the
judge axed me all about real estate; and, says he, "Josiah," says he,
"what's a fee?" "Why," says I, "Judge, it depends on the natur' of
the case. In a common one," says I, "I call six dollars a pretty
fair one; but lawyer Webster has got afore now, I've heerd tell,
one thousand dollars, and that I DO CALL a fee." Well, the judge he
larfed ready to split his sides (thinks I, old chap, you'll bust
like a steam b'iler, if you hain't got a safety valve somewhere or
another), and says he, "I vow that's superfine; I'll indorse your
certificate for you, young man; there's no fear of you, you'll pass
the inspection brand anyhow."
"'Well,' says Eldad, 'I hope I may be skinned if the same thing
didn't e'enamost happen to me at my examination. They axed me a
'nation sight of questions, some on 'em I could answer, and some on
'em no soul could, right off the reel at a word, without a little
cipherin'; at last they axed me, "How would you calculate to put a
patient into a sweat, when common modes wouldn't work no how?" "Why,"
says I, "I'd do as Dr. Comfort Payne sarved father." "And how was
that?" said they. "Why," says I, "he put him into such a sweat as I
never seed him in afore, in all my born days, since I was raised, by
sending him in his bill, and if that didn't sweat him it's a pity; it
was an ACTIVE dose you may depend." "I guess that 'ere chap has cut
his eye-teeth," said the President; "let him pass as approbated."'
"They both knowed well enough; they only made as if they didn't, to
poke a little fun at them, for the Slick family were counted in a
general way to be pretty considerable cute.
"They reckon themselves here a chalk above us Yankees, but I guess
they have a wrinkle or two to grow afore they progress ahead on us
yet. If they hain't got a full cargo of conceit here, then I never
seed a load, that's all. They have the hold chock full, deck piled up
to the pump handles, and scuppers under water. They larnt that of the
British, who are actilly so full of it, they remind me of Commodore
Trip. When he was about half-shaved he thought everybody drunk but
himself. I never liked the last war, I thought it unnateral, and
that we hadn't ought to have taken hold of it at all, and so most of
our New England folks thought; and I wasn't sorry to hear Gineral
Dearborne was beat, seein' we had no call to go into Canada. But when
the Guerriere was captivated by our old Ironsides, the Constitution,
I did feel lifted up amost as high as a stalk of Varginny corn among
Connecticut middlins; I grew two inches taller I vow, the night I
heerd that news. Brag, says I, is a good dog, but Holdfast is better.
The British navals had been a-braggin' and a-hectorin' so long, that
when they landed in our cities, they swaggered e'enamost as much as
Uncle Peleg (big Peleg as he was called), and when he walked up the
centre of one of our narrow Boston streets, he used to swing his arms
on each side of him, so that folks had to clear out of both foot
paths; he's cut, afore now, the fingers of both hands agin the shop
windows on each side of the street. Many the poor feller's crupper
bone he's smashed, with his great thick boots, a-throwin' out his
feet afore him e'enamost out of sight, when he was in full rig
a-swigglin' away at the top of his gait. Well, they cut as many
shines as Uncle Peleg. One frigate they guessed would captivate,
sink, or burn our whole navy. Says a naval one day, to the skipper of
a fishing boat that he took, says he, 'Is it true Commodore Decatur's
sword is made of an old iron hoop?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'I'm
not quite certified as to that, seein' as I never sot eyes on it; but
I guess if he gets a chance he'll show you the temper of it some of
these days, anyhow.'
"I mind once a British man-o'-war took one of our Boston vessels, and
ordered all hands on board, and sent a party to skuttle her; well,
they skuttled the fowls and the old particular genuine rum, but they
obliviated their arrand and left her. Well, next day another frigate
(for they were as thick as toads arter a rain) comes near her, and
fires a shot for her to bring to. No answer was made, there bein' no
livin' soul on board, and another shot fired, still no answer. 'Why
what on airth is the meanin' of this,' said the Captain; 'why don't
they haul down that damn goose and gridiron?' (That's what he called
our eagle and stars on the flag.) 'Why,' says the first leftenant,
'I guess they are all dead men, that shot frightened them to death.'
'They are afeared to show their noses,' says another, 'lest they
should be shaved off by our shots.' 'They are all down below
"A-CALCULATIN'" their loss I guess,' says a third. 'I'll take my
davy,' says the Captain, 'it's some Yankee trick--a torpedo in her
bottom or some such trap; we'll let her be;' and sure enough, next
day, back she came to shore of herself. 'I'll give you a quarter of
an hour,' says the Captain of the Guerriere to his men, 'to take that
'ere Yankee frigate, the Constitution.' I guess he found his mistake
where he didn't expect it, without any great sarch for it either.
Yes (to eventuate my story), it did me good; I felt dreadful nice,
I promise you. It was as lovely as bitters of a cold mornin'. Our
folks beat 'em arter that so often, they got a little grain too much
conceit also. They got their heels too high for their boots, and
began to walk like uncle Peleg too, so that when the Chesapeake got
whipped I warn't sorry. We could spare that one, and it made our
navals look round, like a feller who gets a hoist, to see who's
a-larfin' at him. It made 'em brush the dust off, and walk on rather
sheepish. It cut their combs that's a fact. The war did us a plaguy
sight of good in more ways than one, and it did the British some good
too. It taught 'em not to carry their chins too high, for fear they
shouldn't see the gutters--a mistake that's spoiled many a bran' new
coat and trousers afore now.
"Well, these Bluenoses have caught this disease, as folks do the
Scotch fiddle, by shakin' hands along with the British. Conceit has
become here, as Doctor Rush says (you have heerd tell of him? he's
the first man of the age, and it's generally allowed our doctors take
the shine off of all the world), acclimated; it is citizenized among
'em; and the only cure is a real good quiltin'. I met a first chop
Colchester gag this summer a-goin' to the races to Halifax, and he
knowed as much about racin', I do suppose, as a Choctaw Ingian does
of a railroad. Well, he was a-praisin' of his horse, and runnin'
on like statiee. He was begot, he said, by Roncesvalles, which was
better than any horse that ever was seen, because he was once in
a duke's stable in England. It was only a man that had blood like
a lord, said he, that knew what blood in a horse was. Captain
Currycomb, an officer at Halifax, had seen his horse and praised him;
and that was enough--that stamped him--that fixed his value. It was
like the President's name to a bank note, it makes it pass current.
'Well,' says I, 'I hain't got a drop of blood in me, nothin' stronger
than molasses and water, I vow, but I guess I know a horse when I see
him for all that, and I don't think any great shakes of your beast,
anyhow. What start will you give me,' says I, 'and I will run Old
Clay agin you, for a mile lick right an eend.' 'Ten rods,' said he,
'for twenty dollars.' Well, we run, and I made Old Clay bite in his
breath and only beat him by half a neck. 'A tight scratch,' says I,
'that, and it would have sarved me right if I had been beat. I had
no business to run an old roadster so everlastin' fast, it ain't fair
on him, is it?' Says he, 'I will double the bet and start even, and
run you agin if you dare.' 'Well,' says I, 'since I won the last it
wouldn't be pretty not to give you a chance; I do suppose I oughtn't
to refuse, but I don't love to abuse my beast by knockin' him about
this way.'
"As soon as the money was staked, I said, 'Hadn't we better,' says
I, 'draw stakes? That 'ere blood horse of your'n has such uncommon
particular bottom, he'll perhaps leave me clean out of sight.' 'No
fear of that,' said he, larfin', 'but he'll beat you easy, anyhow. No
flinchin',' says he, 'I'll not let you go back of the bargain. It's
run or forfeit.' 'Well,' says I, 'friend, there is fear of it; your
horse will leave me out of sight, to a sartainty, that's a fact,
for he CAN'T KEEP UP TO ME NO TIME. I'll drop him, hull down, in tu
tu's.' If Old Clay didn't make a fool of him, it's a pity. Didn't
he gallop pretty, that's all? He walked away from him, jist as the
Chancellor Livingston steamboat passes a sloop at anchor in the north
river. Says I, 'I told you your horse would beat me clean out of
sight, but you wouldn't believe me; now,' says I, 'I will tell you
something else. That 'ere horse will help, you to lose more money to
Halifax than you are a-thinkin' on; for there ain't a beast gone down
there that won't beat him. He can't run a bit, and you may tell the
British Captain I say so. Take him home and sell him, buy a good yoke
of oxen; they are fast enough for a farmer, and give up blood horses
to them that can afford to keep stable helps to tend 'em, and leave
bettin' alone to them, as has more money nor wit, and can afford to
lose their cash, without thinkin' agin of their loss.' 'When I want
your advice,' said he, 'I will ask it,' most peskily sulky. 'You
might have got it before you axed for it,' said I, 'but not afore you
wanted it, you may depend on it. But stop,' said I, 'let's see that
all's right afore we part;' so I counts over the fifteen pounds I
won of him, note by note, as slow as anything, on purpose to rile
him; then I mounts Old Clay agin, and says I, 'Friend, you have
considerably the advantage of me this hitch, anyhow.' 'Possible!'
says he, 'how's that?' 'Why,' says I, 'I guess you'll return rather
lighter than you came, and that's more nor I can say, anyhow;' and
then I gave him a wink and a jupe of the head, as much as to say, 'do
you take?' and rode on and left him starin' and scratchin' his head
like a feller who's lost his road. If that citizen ain't a born fool,
or too far gone in the disease, depend on't, he found 'A CURE FOR
CONCEIT.'"