Setting up for Governor.
"I never see one of them queer little old-fashioned teapots, like
that 'ere in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash," said the Clockmaker,
"that I don't think of Lawyer Crowningshield and his wife. When I was
down to Rhode Island last, I spent an evening with them. Arter I had
been there a while, the black house-help brought in a little home
made dipped candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it stand
straight, and set it down on the table. 'Why,' says the lawyer to his
wife, 'Increase my dear, what on airth is the meanin' o' that? What
does little Viney mean by bringin' in such a light as this, that
ain't fit for even a log hut of one of our free and enlightened
citizens away down east; where's the lamp?' 'My dear,' says she, 'I
ordered it--you know they are a-goin' to set you up for Governor next
year, and I allot we must economize or we will be ruined; the salary
is only four hundred dollars a year, you know, and you'll have to
give up your practice; we can't afford nothin' now.'
"Well, when tea was brought in, there was a little wee china teapot,
that held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and sarcers
about the bigness of children's toys. When he seed that, he grew most
peskily riled, his under lip curled down like a peach leaf that's got
a worm in it, and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders,
like a bull-dog. 'What foolery is this?' said he. 'My dear,' said
she, 'it's the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to sacrifice
all your comfort to being the first rung in the ladder, don't blame
me for it. I didn't nominate you--I had not art nor part in it. It
was cooked up at that 'ere Convention, at Town Hall.' Well, he sot
for some time without sayin' a word, lookin' as black as a thunder
cloud, just ready to make all natur' crack agin. At last he gets up,
and walks round behind his wife's chair, and takin' her face between
his two hands, he turns it up and gives her a buss that went off like
a pistol; it fairly made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, Them
lips ain't a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither.
'Increase, my dear,' said he, 'I believe you are half right; I'll
decline tomorrow, I'll have nothin' to do with it. I WON'T BE A
GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT.'
"Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore she could
get her head out of his hands; and then she said, 'Zachariah,' says
she, 'how you do act! Ain't you ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave
yourself!' and she coloured up all over like a crimson piany; 'if you
havn't foozled all my hair too, that's a fact,' says she; and she put
her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as fun, though poutin'
all the time, and walked right out of the room. Presently in come
two well dressed house-helps, one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real
London touch, and another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver
coffee pot, and teapot, and a cream jug, and sugar bowl, of the same
genuine metal, and a most an elegant set of real gilt china. Then in
came Marm Crowningshield herself, lookin' as proud as if she would
not call the President her cousin; and she gave the lawyer a look, as
much as to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you off that
'ere kiss with interest, you dear you; I'll answer a bill at sight
for it, I will, you may depend. 'I believe,' said he agin, 'you are
right, Increase, my dear, it's an expensive kind of honour that,
bein' Governor, and no great thanks neither; great cry and little
wool, all talk and no cider. It's enough I guess for a man to govern
his own family, ain't it, dear?' 'Sartin, my love,' said she,
'sartin, a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there;
and beside,' said she, 'his will is supreme to home, there is no
danger of any one non-concurring him there;' and she gave me a sly
look, as much as to say, I let him think he is master in his own
house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO
BE LONG ENOUGH TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with
half an eye that the 'grey mare is the better horse' here.
"What a pity it is," continued the Clockmaker, "that the Bluenoses
would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's book--talk more of
their own affairs and less of politics. I'm sick of the everlastin'
sound of 'House of Assembly,' and 'Council,' and 'great folks.' They
never alleviate talking about them from July to etarnity.
"I had a curious conversation about politics once, away up to the
right here. Do you see that 'ere house," said he, "in the field,
that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop, struck with
a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It looks like Seth Pine, a
tailor down to Hartford, that had one leg shorter than t'other, when
he stood at ease at militia trainin', a-restin' on the littlest one.
Well, I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this way.
I lost the linch pin out of my forrard axle, and I turned up there
to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove through the gate, I saw the
eldest gal a-makin' for the house for dear life--she had a short
petticoat on that looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in
mind of the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a-drivin'
away like mad, full chisel arter a frog. I couldn't think what on
airth was the matter. Thinks I, she wants to make herself look decent
like afore I get in, she don't like to pull her stockings on afore
me; so I pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start. Well,
when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin'; there was a
regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise as little children make
when the mistress comes suddenly into school, all a-huddlin' and
scroudgin' into their seats, as quick as wink. 'Dear me!' says the
old woman, as she put her head out of a broken window to avail who it
was, 'is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you didn't frighten us
properly, we actilly thought it was the sheriff; do come in.
"Poor thing, she looked half starved and half savage, hunger and
temper had made proper strong lines in her face, like water furrows
in a ploughed field; she looked bony and thin, like a horse that has
had more work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though it
warn't over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin' kicker.
'You may come out, John,' said she to her husband, 'it's only Mr.
Slick;' and out came John from under the bed backwards, on all fours,
like an ox out of the shoein' frame, or a lobster skullin' wrong eend
foremost; he looked as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan, I thought I
should have split, I could hardly keep from bustin' right out with
larfter; he was all covered with feathers, lint and dust, the savin's
of all the sweepin's since the house was built, shoved under there
for tidiness. He actilly sneezed for the matter of ten minutes--he
seemed half choked with the flaff and stuff, that came out with him
like a cloud. Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the
quills were gone, but the pin-feathers and down were left, jist ready
for singein' and stuffin. He put me in mind of a sick Adjutant, a
great tall hulkin' bird, that comes from the East Indgies, a'most as
high as a man, and most as knowin' as a Bluenose. I'd a gin a hundred
dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair; tar and feathers
warn't half as nateral. You've seen a gal both larf and cry at the
same time, hain't you? Well, I hope I may be shot if I couldn't have
done the same. To see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag
at Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as good as a
play; but to look round and see the poverty--the half-naked children;
the old pine stumps for chairs; a small bin of poor, watery, yaller
potatoes in the corner; daylight through the sides and roof of the
house, lookin' like the tarred seams of a ship, all black where the
smoke got out; no utensils for cookin' or eatin'; and starvation
wrote as plain as a handbill on their holler cheeks, skinney fingers,
and sunk eyes--went right straight to the heart. I do declare I
believe I should have cried, only they didn't seem to mind it
themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's married to
a thunderin' ugly wife, he gets so accustomed to the look of her
everlastin' dismal mug, that he don't think her ugly at all.
"Well, there was another chap a-settin' by the fire, and he DID look
as if he saw it, and felt it too; he didn't seem over half pleased,
you may depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me he
was takin' a spell at boardin' there, for it was their turn to keep
him. Thinks I to myself, poor devil, you've brought your pigs to a
pretty market, that's a fact. I see how it is, the Bluenoses can't
cipher. The cat's out of the bag now; it's no wonder they don't go
ahead, for they don't know nothin'; the 'Schoolmaster is abroad,'
with the devil to it, for he has no home at all. Why, Squire, you
might jist as well expect a horse to go right off in gear, before he
is halter broke, as a Bluenose to get on in the world, when he has
got no schoolin'.
"But to get back to my story. 'Well,' says I, 'how's times with you,
Mrs. Spry?' 'Dull,' says she, 'very dull; there's no markets now,
things don't fetch nothin'.' Thinks I, some folks hadn't ought to
complain of markets, for they don't raise nothin' to sell, but I
didn't say so; FOR POVERTY IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS
EDGE BY POKIN' FUN AT IT. 'Potatoes,' says I, 'will fetch a good
price this fall, for it's a short crop in a general way; how's
your'n?' 'Grand,' says she, 'as complete as you ever seed; our tops
were small and didn't look well; but we have the handsomest bottoms,
it's generally allowed, in all our place; you never seed the best of
them, they are actilly worth lookin' at.' I vow I had to take a chaw
of tobaccy to keep from snortin' right out, it sounded so queer like.
Thinks I to myself, old lady, it's a pity you couldn't be changed
eend for eend then, as some folks do their stockings; it would
improve the look of your dial-plate amazin'ly then, that's a fact.
"Now there was human natur', Squire," said the Clockmaker, "there was
pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags as well as King's
robes, where butter is spread with the thumb as well as the silver
knife, NATUR' IS NATUR' WHEREVER YOU FIND IT.
"Jist then, in came one or two neighbours to see the sport, for they
took me for a sheriff or constable, or something of that breed, and
when they saw it was me they sot down to hear the news; they fell
right too at politics as keen as anything, as if it had been a dish
of real Connecticut slapjacks, or hominy; or what is better still, a
glass of real genuine splendid mint julep, WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes
my mouth water to think of it. 'I wonder,' says one, 'what they will
do for us this winter in the House of Assembly?' 'Nothin',' says the
other, 'they never do nothin' but what the great people at Halifax
tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the great folks this
hitch, he'll let 'em have their own, he's jist the boy that can do
it.' Says I, 'I wish I could say all men were as honest then, for
I am afeard there are a great many won't pay me up this winter; I
should like to trade with your friend, who is he?' 'Why,' says he,
'he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't let the
great folks have it, it's a pity.' 'Who do you call great folks?'
said I, 'for I vow I havn't seed one since I came here. The only one
that I know that comes near hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker,
that lives all along shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great
man--it takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first seed him, says
I, "What on airth is the matter o' that man, has he the dropsy? For
he is actilly the greatest man I ever seed; he must weigh the matter
of five hundred weight; he'd cut three inches on the rib; he must
have a proper sight of lard, that chap." No,' says I, 'don't call 'em
great men, for there ain't a great man in the country, that's a fact;
there ain't one that desarves the name; folks will only larf at you
if you talk that way. There may be some rich men, and I believe there
be, and it's a pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater
pity they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but a
country is none the worse of having rich men in it, you may depend.
Great folks! Well, come, that's a good joke, that bangs the bush. No,
my friend,' says I, 'the meat that's at the top of the barrel, is
sometimes not so good as that that's a little further down; the
upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little taint in 'em,
but the middle is always good.'
"'Well,' says the Bluenose, 'perhaps they bean't great men, exactly
in that sense, but they are great men compared to us poor folks;
and they eat up all the revenue; there's nothin' left for roads and
bridges; they want to ruin the country, that's a fact.' 'Want to ruin
your granny,' says I (for it raised my dander to hear the critter
talk such nonsense); I did hear of one chap,' says I, 'that sot fire
to his own house once, up to Squantum, but the cunnin' rascal insured
it first; now how can your great folks ruin the country without
ruinin' themselves, unless they have insured the Province? Our folks
will insure all creation for half nothin', but I never heerd tell of
a country being insured agin rich men. Now if you ever go to Wall
Street to get such a policy, leave the door open behind you, that's
all; or they'll grab right hold of you, shave your head and blister
it, clap a straight jacket on you, and whip you right into a mad
house, afore you can say Jack Robinson. No, your great men are
nothin' but rich men, and I can tell you for your comfort, there's
nothin' to hinder you from bein' rich too, if you will take the same
means as they did. They were once all as poor folks as you be, or
their fathers afore them; for I know their whole breed, seed and
generation, and they wouldn't thank you to tell them that you knew
their fathers and grandfathers, I tell you. If ever you want the loan
of a hundred pounds from any of them, keep dark about that; see as
far ahead as you please, but it ain't always pleasant to have folks
see too far back. Perhaps they be a little proud or so, but that's
nateral; all folks that grow up right off, like a mushroom in one
night, are apt to think no small beer of themselves. A cabbage has
plaguy large leaves to the bottom, and spreads them out as wide as
an old woman's petticoats, to hide the ground it sprung from, and
conceal its extraction, but what's that to you? If they get too large
salaries, dock 'em down at once, but don't keep talkin' about it for
everlastinly. If you have too many sarvents, pay some on 'em off, or
when they quit your sarvice don't hire others in their room, that's
all; but you miss your mark when you keep firin' away at bankers,
lawyers, and public officers, the whole blessed time that way.
"'I went out a-gunnin' once when I was a boy, and father went along
with me to teach me. Well, the first flock of plover I seed I let
slip at 'em, and missed 'em. Says father, says he, "What a blockhead
you be, Sam, that's your own fault, they were too far off; you hadn't
ought to have fired so soon. At Bunker's hill we let the British come
right on till we seed the whites of their eyes, and then we let 'em
have it slap bang." Well, I felt kinder grigged at missin' my shot,
and I didn't over half like to be scolded too; so, says I, "Yes,
father; but recollect you had a mud bank to hide behind, where you
were proper safe, and you had a rest for your guns too; but as soon
as you seed a little more than the whites of their eyes, you run for
dear life, full split; and so I don't see much to brag on in that
arter all, so come now." "I'll teach you to talk that way, you puppy
you," said he, "of that glorious day;" and he fetched me a wipe that
I do believe if I hadn't a dodged, would have spoiled my gunnin' for
that hitch; so I gave him a wide birth arter that all day. Well, the
next time I missed, says I, "She hung fire so everlastinly, it's no
wonder;" and the next miss, says I, "The powder is no good, I vow."
Well, I missed every shot, and I had an excuse for every one on
'em--the flint was bad, or she flashed in the pan, or the shot
scaled, or something or another; and when all wouldn't do, I swore
the gun was no good at all. "Now," says father (and he edged up all
the time, to pay me off for that hit at his Bunker hill story, which
was the only shot I didn't miss), you hain't got the right reason
arter all. It was your own fault, Sam."
"'Now that's jist the case with you; you may blame Banks and Council,
and House of Assembly, and "the great men," till you are tired, but
it's all your own fault--YOU'VE NO SPIRIT AND NO ENTERPRISE, YOU WANT
INDUSTRY AND ECONOMY; USE THEM, AND YOU'LL SOON BE AS RICH AS THE
PEOPLE AT HALIFAX YOU CALL GREAT FOLKS. They didn't grow rich by
talkin', but by workin'; instead of lookin' after other folks'
business, they looked about the keenest arter their own. You are like
the machinery of one of our boats--good enough, and strong enough,
but of no airthly use till you get the steam up; you want to be set
in motion, and then you'll go ahead like anything, you may depend.
Give up politics. It's a barren field, and well watched too; when one
critter jumps a fence into a good field and gets fat, more nor twenty
are chased round and round, by a whole pack of yelpin' curs, till
they are fairly beat out, and eend by bein' half-starved, and are
at the liftin' at last. Look to your farms, your water powers, your
fisheries, and factories. In short,' says I, puttin' on my hat and
startin', 'look to yourselves, and don't look to others.'"