MR. NICHOLAS L. SATAN,
I, Pandemonium Terrace,
BURNING MARLE, HELL.
Telephone, No. I Central.
“Show him up,” said Mrs. Bergmann, quite naturally, as though she had
been expecting the visitor. She wondered at her own behaviour, and
seemed to herself to be acting inevitably, as one does in dreams.
Mr. Satan was shown in. He had a professional air about him, but not
of the kind that suggests needy or even learned professionalism. He was
dark; his features were sharp and regular, his eyes keen, his complexion
pale, his mouth vigorous, and his chin prominent. He was well dressed in
a frock coat, black tie, and patent leather boots. He would never have
been taken for a conjurer or a shop-walker, but he might have been taken
for a slightly depraved Art-photographer who had known better days. He
sat down near the tea-table opposite Mrs. Bergmann, holding his top hat,
which had a slight mourning band round it, in his hand.
“I understand, madam,” he spoke with an even American intonation,
“you wish to be supplied with a guest who will make all other
luncheon-parties look, so to speak, like thirty cents.”
“Yes, that is just what I want,” answered Mrs. Bergmann, who continued
to be surprised at herself.
“Well, I reckon there’s no one living who’d suit,” said Mr. Satan, “and
I’d better supply you with a celebrity of _a_ former generation.” He
then took out a small pocket-book from his coat pocket, and quickly
turning over its leaves he asked in a monotonous tone: “Would you like a
Philosopher? Anaxagoras, Aristotle, Aurelius, M.?”
“Oh! no,” answered Mrs. Bergmann with decision, “they would ruin any
luncheon.”
“A Saint?” suggested Mr. Satan, “Antony, Ditto of Padua, Athanasius,
Augustine, Anselm?”
“Good heavens, no,” said Mrs. Bergmann.
“A Theologian, good arguer?” asked Mr. Satan, “Aquinas, T?”
“No,” interrupted Mrs. Bergmann, “for heaven’s sake don’t always give
me the A’s, or we shall never get on to anything. You’ll be offering me
Adam and Abel next.”
“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. Satan, “Latimer, Laud--Historic Interest,
Church and Politics combined,” he added quickly.
“I don’t want a clergyman,” said Mrs. Bergmann.
“Artist?” said Mr. Satan, “Andrea del Sarto, Angelo, M., Apelles?”
“You’re going back to the A’s,” interrupted Mrs. Bergmann.
“Bellini, Benvenuto Cellini, Botticelli?” he continued imperturbably.
“What’s the use of them when I can get Sargent every day?” asked Mrs.
Bergmann.
“A man of action, perhaps? Alexander, Bonaparte, Caesar, J., Cromwell,
O., Hannibal?”
“Too heavy for luncheon,” she answered, “they would do for _dinner_.”
“Plain statesman? Bismarck, Count; Chatham, Lord; Franklin, B;
Richelieu, Cardinal.”
“That would make the members of the Cabinet feel uncomfortable,” she
said.
“A Monarch? Alfred; beg pardon, he’s an A. Richard III., Peter the
Great, Louis XI., Nero?”
“No,” said Mrs. Bergmann. “I can’t have a Royalty. It would make it too
stiff.”
“I have it,” said Mr. Satan, “a highwayman: Dick Turpin; or a
housebreaker: Jack Sheppard or Charles Peace?”
“Oh! no,” said Mrs. Bergmann, “they might steal the Sevres.”
“A musician? Bach or Beethoven?” he suggested.
“He’s getting into the B’s now,” thought Mrs. Bergmann. “No,” she added
aloud, “we should have to ask him to play, and he can’t play Wagner, I
suppose, and musicians are so touchy.”
“I think I have it,” said Mr. Satan, “a wit: Dr. Johnson, Sheridan,
Sidney Smith?”
“We should probably find their jokes dull _now_,” said Mrs. Bergmann,
thoughtfully.
“Miscellaneous?” inquired Mr. Satan, and turning over several leaves of
his notebook, he rattled out the following names: “Alcibiades, kind
of statesman; Beau Brummel, fop; Cagliostro, conjurer; Robespierre,
politician; Charles Stuart, Pretender; Warwick, King-maker; Borgia, A.,
Pope; Ditto, C., toxicologist; Wallenstein, mercenary; Bacon, Roger,
man of science; Ditto, F., dishonest official; Tell, W., patriot; Jones,
Paul, pirate; Lucullus, glutton; Simon Stylites, eccentric; Casanova,
loose liver; Casabianca, cabin-boy; Chicot, jester; Sayers, T.,
prize-fighter; Cook, Captain, tourist; Nebuchadnezzar, food-faddist;
Juan, D., lover; Froissart, war correspondent; Julian, apostate?”
“Don’t you see,” said Mrs. Bergmann, “we must have some one everybody
has heard of?”
“David Garrick, actor and wit?” suggested Mr. Satan.
“It’s no good having an actor nobody has seen act,” said Mrs. Bergmann.
“What about a poet?” asked Mr. Satan, “Homer, Virgil, Dante, Byron,
Shakespeare?”
“Shakespeare!” she cried out, “the very thing. Everybody has heard of
Shakespeare, more or less, and I expect he’d get on with everybody, and
wouldn’t feel offended if I asked Alfred Austin or some other poet to
meet him. Can you get me Shakespeare?”
“Certainly,” said Mr. Satan, “day and date?”
“It must be Thursday fortnight,” said Mrs. Bergmann. “And what,
ah--er--your terms?”
“The usual terms,” he answered. “In return for supernatural service
rendered you during your lifetime, your soul reverts to me at your
death.”
Mrs. Bergmann’s brain began to work quickly. She was above all things a
practical woman, and she immediately felt she was being defrauded.
“I cannot consent to such terms,” she said. “Surely you recognise the
fundamental difference between this proposed contract and those which
you concluded with others--with Faust, for instance? They sold the full
control of their soul after death on condition of your putting yourself
at their entire disposal during the whole of their lifetime, whereas
you ask me to do the same thing in return for a few hours’ service. The
proposal is preposterous.”
Mr. Satan rose from his chair. “In that case, madam,” he said, “I have
the honour to wish you a good afternoon.”
“Stop a moment,” said Mrs. Bergmann, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t
arrive at a compromise. I am perfectly willing that you should have the
control over my soul for a limited number of years--I believe there are
precedents for such a course--let us say a million years.”
“Ten million,” said Mr. Satan, quietly but firmly.
“In that case,” answered Mrs. Bergmann, “we will take no notice of leap
year, and we will count 365 days in every year.”
“Certainly,” said Mr. Satan, with an expression of somewhat ruffled
dignity, “we always allow leap year, but, of course, thirteen years will
count as twelve.”
“Of course,” said Mrs. Bergmann with equal dignity.
“Then perhaps you will not mind signing the contract at once,” said Mr.
Satan, drawing from his pocket a type-written page.
Mrs. Bergmann walked to the writing-table and took the paper from his
hand.
“Over the stamp, please,” said Mr. Satan.
“Must I--er--sign it in blood?” asked Mrs. Bergmann, hesitatingly.
“You can if you like,” said Mr. Satan, “but I prefer red ink; it is
quicker and more convenient.”
He handed her a stylograph pen.
“Must it be witnessed?” she asked.
“No,” he replied, “these kind of documents don’t need a witness.”
In a firm, bold handwriting Mrs. Bergmann signed her name in red ink
across the sixpenny stamp. She half expected to hear a clap of thunder
and to see Mr. Satan disappear, but nothing of the kind occurred. Mr.
Satan took the document, folded it, placed it in his pocket-book, took
up his hat and gloves, and said:
“Mr. William Shakespeare will call to luncheon on Thursday week. At what
hour is the luncheon to be?”
“One-thirty,” said Mrs. Bergmann.
“He may be a few minutes late,” answered Mr. Satan. “Good afternoon,
madam,” and he bowed and withdrew.
Mrs. Bergmann chuckled to herself when she was alone. “I have done
him,” she thought to herself, “because ten million years in eternity
is nothing. He might just as well have said one second as ten million
years, since anything less than eternity in eternity is nothing. It is
curious how stupid the devil is in spite of all his experience. Now I
must think about my invitations.”