It is rumoured that Professor PORTA has sent a message to Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE, wishing him a Happy New World.
* * *
Mr. Justice ROWLATT has decided that photography is not a profession.
With some actresses, of course, it is just a disease.
* * *
The gentleman who drew 1920 in a fifty-pound sweepstake as the date
of the ex-Kaiser's trial is now prepared to sell his chance for
sixpence-halfpenny.
* * *
"He is not a politician," says Mr. R. HARCOURT in _The Times_,
referring to Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES. It will be interesting to see how
Sir AUCKLAND accepts this compliment.
* * *
A letter posted at Hull for Odessa in July, 1914, has just been
returned to the sender. The postal authorities are thought to take the
view that the sender should be given an opportunity of adding a few
seasonable observations to his previous remarks.
* * *
It is all nonsense to say that there can be no change in the present
high prices. They can always go higher.
* * *
Owing to the strike of cabmen in Glasgow a number of people had to
walk home on New Year's Eve. It is not said how the others got home,
but we have made a guess.
* * *
On enquiry about the erection of huge new premises in the Strand by
the American Bush Terminal Company, we gather that London is not to be
removed, but will be allowed to remain next door.
* * *
Inspector MOSS of the Great Eastern Railway Police has just had his
pocket picked and thirty pounds stolen. It is only fair to say that
he was in plain clothes and the thief did not know he was a police
officer.
* * *
A history of the Ministry of Munitions is to be compiled at a cost
of L9,648. To keep the expense down to this modest sum by economy in
printing Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL will be referred to throughout as "X."
* * *
A man has been charged with damaging a London omnibus. He pleaded that
the vehicle pushed him first.
* * *
Mrs. PAYNE, the only woman mouse-trap-maker in London, has retired
from the business. It is said that a number of mice hope to arrange a
farewell cheese.
* * *
At a recent meeting of the Peace Conference it was decided that
the troubles in Egypt and India should in future be referred to as
Honorary Wars.
* * *
The Indians much appreciate CHARLIE CHAPLIN, says _The Weekly
Dispatch_. We felt confident that this film comedian would come into
his own some day.
* * *
Only two minor railway accidents were reported in December, but a
South Coast train which started that month is reported to have run
into the New Year.
* * *
It is estimated that _The Outline of History_ by Mr. H. G. WELLS
will be concluded this year. It would be a pleasing compliment to the
author if at the end of that time Parliament made it illegal for any
more history to happen.
* * *
The Thames angler who was asked in the Club at night if he had had any
luck that day, and replied that he had not had a bite, is thought to
be an impostor.
* * *
An Insurance official states that thin people live longer than stout.
This is probably due to the fact that when thin people stand sideways
the motor-car doesn't get a real chance.
* * *
"It is just twenty months since we experienced the last hostile
air-raid," states an evening paper. Should this indiscreet statement
reach the ears of certain Government Officials it is feared that one
or two of our picturesque anti-aircraft stations may be dismantled.
* * *
According to an American paper, a lawyer has left New York for Mexico,
in order to try to explain to the inhabitants the meaning of Peace
and the benefits to be derived from joining the League of Nations. We
understand he has made full arrangements for leaving a widow and two
young children.
* * *
Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental paper-house who
discovered, on going up-stairs, that his two-year-old son in a fit of
ungovernable passion had torn up his nursery.
* * *
A man has written to _The Daily Mail_ advocating the alteration of
the calendar to thirteen months of twenty-eight days each, _with two
Christmas Days in Leap Year_. The writer--to do him justice--did not
sign himself "Paterfamilias."
* * *
The New Poor Dance Club, which has opened in the West End, is having
its vicissitudes. Last week, it is reported, a distinguished stranger
mistook a waiter for one of the members, and the waiters have
threatened to strike if it occurs again.
* * *
Los Angeles, California, says a New York cable, is suffering from an
unprecedented crime wave. A proposal by President CARRANZA to draw a
_cordon sanitaire_ round the place has not yet reached Washington.
* * *
"Are dark people cleverer than fair?" asks a contemporary. These
clumsy attempts to destroy the Coalition spirit are too transparent to
be successful.
* * *
Intending visitors to the Zoological Gardens in Ph[oe]nix Park,
Dublin, are now required to get a permit from the military
authorities. A daring attempt by a Sinn Feiner to approach the
Viceregal Lodge under cover of a cassowary is said to be responsible
for the order.
* * *
The ex-Kaiser, it is stated, has asked the Prussian Government
if there would be any objection to his settling in Peru as a
cattle-raiser. The probability that the Crown Prince will settle in
France for a spell as a watch-lifter is thought to have fired the
ex-Imperial imagination.
* * *
A report from Chicago states that, as a result of the prevailing
taste for wood-alcohol, a number of citizens successfully revived the
ancient custom of seeing the Aurora Borealis in.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HURRY UP, JOHNSON--WHAT A TIME YOU TAKE!"
"I CAN'T GET THROUGH THESE BEASTLY TROOPS."]
* * * * *
"The charm of a pleasing figure depends upon an uneasy fitting
corset."
_Advt. in Canadian Paper._
_Il faut souffrir pour etre belle._
* * * * *
"There would also be great competition for carniferous timber
from other countries."
_Scotch Paper._
Not so much now that the meat-shortage is over.
* * * * *
"Dundee leads the way in Scotland in a new phase of sport for
ladies.
The innovation was created by the City Magistrates to-day,
when an application for a billiard-room license in the new
City Hall was granted.
Under the license ladies will be permitted to cross cues with
gentlemen partners in a public billiard-room."--_Local Paper._
It is supposed that their worships were under the impression that
billiards was a new form of shinty.
* * * * *