Young aspirants are always endeavouring to secure posts on our leading
newspapers, and complain bitterly that their letters of application
are ignored by obtuse editors. To help them in this sad ambition Mr.
Punch has composed a series of letters to divers editors which he
guarantees will prove eminently satisfactory.
_To the Editor of "The Daily News."_
SIR,--I regard the insufferable LLOYD GEORGE as the most dangerous,
the most malignant, the most incompetent politician who has ever
attempted to misrule this country. The iniquity of the Coalition will
make enlightened rulers like LENIN and TROTSKY blush for the human
race. I feel with you that till the real Liberal party returns to
power England will never know peace and prosperity. Then and then only
will brotherly friendship between England and Germany be renewed. Then
and then only shall we see cheap milk, cheap coal, abundant housing,
the Free Breakfast Table and the Large Cocoa Cup. To show my devotion
to the cause you so nobly advocate I may say that I have actually
read every article contributed by Mr. MASTERMAN to your paper. I am
strongly in favour of an _entente_ with Labour, by which Labour should
agree not to contest any seats where the true Asquithians stand a
chance. I enclose as a specimen of my work the first of a series
of articles on "How LLOYD GEORGE lost the War," which I am sure
will be invaluable at by-elections.
_To the Editor of "The Daily Mail."_
SIR,--I am young and, if possible, growing younger daily. My motto
is "Hustle and Bustle" and not "Dilly and Dally." I live on standard
bread, in a wooden hut embowered, when feasible, with sweet peas. My
ear is always close to the ground, and I can confidently predict what
the man in the street will be thinking about the day after tomorrow.
Politically, I am opposed to the Wastrels, the Wee Frees and the
Bolsheviks, and am not prepared as yet to back Labour unreservedly.
I can express myself brightly and briefly on any topical subject.
Herewith I send specimen articles (length three hundred words)
on "Poker Bridge," "Are we having Wetter Washdays?" and "The
Woggle-Wiggle Dance." Should there be no vacancy on your staff
I should be prepared to accept one on any other of your
publications--_The Weekly Dispatch_, _The Times_ or _The Rainbow_.
_To the Editor of "The Manchester Guardian."_
SIR,--I was a Conscientious Objector during the War. I conscientiously
object to everything still, including the Peace Treaty. I speak and
write fifteen languages and dialects, including Oxford English. I have
a comprehensive knowledge of social and political life in Continental
Europe, Asia, Africa, America and Polynesia. I have also resided
in England. I have a deep conviction that under all conditions,
everywhere and at all times, England is invariably and absolutely
in the wrong. In home politics I am resolutely opposed to all the
Coalition has done, is doing or will do. It is my firm opinion that
the actions of England would become less deplorable, less criminal if
Mr. ASQUITH returned to power. I enclose as specimens of my mentality
two intensely human articles which I doubt not will find a home in
your columns: "Proportional Representation in Jugo-Slavia" (length
four thousand five hundred words) and "Futurism under TROTSKY" (length
five thousand words).
_To the Editor of "The Spectator."_
SIR,--In offering my services to you I may point out how happily my
up-bringing and mental training have fitted me for a post on your
staff. The child of an Archdeacon (who was also honorary chaplain to a
rifle club), I was born in a house with earth-filled walls and brought
up in intimate association with a large number of most intelligent
animals. If desired I am prepared to relate anecdotes of the family
bull-dog and a pet she-goat which will verify my description. I feel
with you that England can only be saved by relying on a Free-Trading,
Non-Socialist, Church Establishment. I loathe alike Mr. ASQUITH and
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, and think that the intellect of England, which
blossoms so luxuriously in country rectories and deaneries, finds
its best expression in Lord HUGH CECIL. As a specimen of my literary
ability I enclose a middle article on "The Sense of Obligation in
Tom-Cats."
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[Illustration: A "POSITIVELY LAST" APPEARANCE.
MR. PUNCH. "ACCEPT THIS POOR TRIBUTE IN RECOGNITION OF MUCH GOOD
ENTERTAINMENT IN THE PAST. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY ARTISTS WOULD HAVE
DONE WITHOUT YOU."
[The recent withdrawal of horsed cabs from certain ranks in the London
district foreshadows the final extinction of this venerable type.]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Club Grouser._ "WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?"
_Waiter._ "THAT'S GAME PIE, SIR."
_Club Grouser._ "UMPH! THINK I MUST HAVE GOT A BIT OF THE FOOTBALL."]
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