"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by
Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin-prick tactics.
If there is something about the United States that President CARRANZA wants
changed he should say so.
* * *
A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it
means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a
dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear-guards for
Mr. CHURCHILL.
* * *
The American gentleman who claims to have invented _revues_ is shortly
coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise him to
wait until the crime wave has died down a bit.
* * *
It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring-like weather the
POET LAUREATE is calmly keeping his head.
* * *
In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex-Kaiser's trial the
Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who won the
War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter.
* * *
Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new American
whisky stands at the same figure.
* * *
"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of St.
John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic about
a parrot is its bite.
* * *
So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her homeward
trip the _Mauretania_ was drunk dry two days out. To remedy this
unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is
understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New Jersey
coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug.
* * *
There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote of
the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a pistol
and mitre.
* * *
We live in strenuous times. The MAD MULLAH has been reported in action and
Willesden has won the London Draughts' Tournament.
* * *
By the way, those who remember the MAD MULLAH'S earlier escapades are of
the opinion that it is high time for him to be killed again.
* * *
The HOME SECRETARY hopes to introduce an Anti-Firearms Bill. Under this Act
it is expected that it will be made illegal for criminals to shoot at
people into whose homes they break.
* * *
A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to _The Leeds Mercury_,
and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if the Post Office
can help it.
* * *
A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young man
because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that he was
a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this.
* * *
The ex-CROWN-PRINCE has written in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on "How I Lost
the War." He pays a fine tribute to the British soldier, who, it appears,
helped him to lose it.
* * *
"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A good
plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it.
* * *
An article in _Tit-Bits_ tells readers how to make canaries pay. We have
felt for some time that there must be a better method than that of suing
the birds in the County Court.
* * *
"Useful wedding-presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. Only
last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the bride
away.
* * *
"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No attempt
has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club.
* * *
It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from some
scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang on to it
till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an honorary member
of the Underground Travellers' Association.
* * *
A reader living in Hertfordshire writes to say that spring-like weather is
prevailing and that a pair of bricklayers who started building about three
weeks ago can now be seen daily sitting on three bricks which they laid
last week.
* * *
With such energy are the inhabitants of Leeds carrying out their campaign
against rats that it is considered unsafe for any rodent under three years
old to venture out alone after dark.
* * *
We are glad to learn that the Brixton lady who mislaid her husband last
week at one of these West-End bargain sales has now received him back from
the firm in fairly good condition.
* * *
During the recent spell of warm weather several wooden houses threw out new
shoots, some of which are already in bud.
* * *
We understand that the Government contemplate passing a Bill to forbid
silver-weddings unless a larger percentage of alloy is used with them.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CRIME WAVE.
_Crank_ (_enlarging upon pet theory_). "I TELL YOU, SIR, WE ARE ALL OF US
BOLSHEVISTS AT HEART. THE ONLY THING THAT'S KEEPING YOU AND ME FROM A LIFE
OF CRIME IS THE THOUGHT OF THE POLICEMAN ROUND THE CORNER."]
* * * * *
"How utterly unimpressive for ceremonial purposes is the ordinary
episcopal habit.... What dignity it ever possessed has been most
successfully shorn off by the merciless scissors of ecclesiastical
tailors. The history of the chimere and rochet has been truly tragic."
--_Church Paper._
Fortunately, the hat and gaiters do something to relieve the gloom.
* * * * *