_Scene: A London Terminus_.
_Porter_ (_with an air of finality_). It weighs 'undred-and-four pounds.
You can't take it, mum.
_Lady Traveller_. Oh, I must take it.
[_Porter is obliged by an irritation of the head to remove his cap, but
does not speak._
_Lady Traveller_. It's all right. I know the manager of the line, and he
would pass it for me.
_Her Friend_. Isn't your friend manager of the Great Southern?
_Lady Traveller_ (_sharply_). He has a great deal to do with all these
railways now. (_To Porter, hopefully, but not very confidently_) That will
be all right.
_Porter_. Very sorry, mum. It can't be done.
_Lady Traveller_. My friend the manager would be very much annoyed at my
being stopped like this. Only four pounds, too. Why, it's nothing.
[_Porter removes his cap again on account of further irritation._
_Lady Traveller_ (_to her Friend_). I don't know what I'm to do. (_To
Porter_) What am I to do?
_Porter_ (_deliberately_). You must open it and take somethink out.
_Lady Traveller_. I can't open it here.
_Porter_ (_ignoring this_). Somethink weighing a bit over four pounds.
_Lady Traveller_. But I can't do it here.
_Porter_ (_ignoring this_). Pair o' boots or somethink.
_Lady Traveller_ (_to her Friend_). He seems to think my boots weigh four
pounds.
_Her Friend_. Haven't you got two pairs?
_Lady Traveller_ (_sourly_). Yes, but two pairs of my boots wouldn't weigh
four pounds.
_Porter_ (who has been quietly undoing the straps_). Is it locked, mum?
_Lady Traveller_ (_producing key and almost in tears_). It's too bad.
[_She dives into box and extracts two pairs of boots wrapped in
newspapers._
_Porter_ (_taking them and weighing them judiciously in his hands_). That's
all right, mum.
[_He pushes box on to weighing machine which registers under 100 lbs._
_Lady Traveller_. They're very thick boots, of course. Whatever am I to do
with them now?
_Her Friend_. We shall have to carry them. [_Takes one parcel._
_Lady Traveller_. Jane shall hear of this. I told her never to use
newspaper for packing.
_Her Friend_ (_suddenly_). There's Major Merriman.
_Lady Traveller_. So it is. Don't let him see us with these dreadful
parcels. (_Angrily_) Why don't you turn round? He'll see you.
_Major Merriman_. How do you do?
_Lady Traveller_ (_in great surprise_). Oh, how do you do, Major Merriman?
We've been having such an amusing experience, etc., etc.
* * * * *
What made Lord Devonport Dizzy.
"The following resolution was unanimously passed, and ordered to be
sent to the Prime Minister and the Food Controller (Lord
Beaconsfield)."--_The Western Gazette_.
* * * * *
"Lamp-posts and trees and other pedestrians were found with unpleasant
and sometimes violent frequency."--_Beckenham Journal_.
That's the worst of a fog; landmarks will keep on walking about.
* * * * *
_À propos_ of the TSAR'S manifesto:--
"The _Retch_, says: 'The order puts the dot on all the
"t's."'"--_Provincial Paper_.