(_That never should be tolerated._)
SCENE--_Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of the
audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an excellent
piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a Private Box._
_First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps)._ I told you there was no
necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on very
well without us.
_Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box)._ Yes. And it's so
much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me, is
full of clever dialogue--so satisfactory to people who like that sort
of thing.
_Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass)._ Why
scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is
leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. EVERGREEN TOFFY?
_Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses)._ Why, yes. I wish we could
make her see us.
_First Empt._ Haven't you noticed that you never can attract attention
when you want to? Isn't it provoking?
_Second Empt._ Oh, terribly; and there is Captain DASHALONG. Why, I
thought he was at Aldershot.
_Third Empt._ Oh, they always give them leave about this time of the
year.
_Rest of Audience (sternly)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what's the piece about.
_Third Empt._ Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be
sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair?
_Fourth Empt._ Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people make
such frights of themselves!
_First Empt._ I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First!
_Third Empt._ What does it matter! I never worry about a piece, for I
know I shall see all about it afterwards in the papers.
_Rest of Audience (with increased sternness)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
_Second Empt._ I always come to this theatre because the chairs are
comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can
enjoy yourself?
_Third Empt._ Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's
husband, isn't it?
_First Empt._ Of course. I never bring mine, because he always goes to
sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors!
_Second Empt._ Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going on,
even if you don't care what it's all about.
_Fourth Empt._ Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round the
house.
_Rest of Audience (angrier than ever)._ Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
_Third Empt._ Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is
quite as amusing as the other.
_Fourth Empt._ I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I see
that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very amusing.
_Rest of Audience (furious)._ Hush! Hush! Hush!
_First Empt._ There descends the curtain! By the way, what a noise
those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it was all
about?
_Second Empt._ I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the
play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so
disrespectful to the Audience.
_First Empt._ And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves in a
theatre?
_Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus)._ Ah yes! Why can't they?
[_Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the
Curtain on another Act._
* * * * *
"GIVE A _DAY_ A BAD NAME AND----."--It is stated that the day of the
disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been nicknamed
"Collar Day," because Mr. HAYES FISHER seized Mr. LOGAN by the collar,
and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN "collared" Mr. O'BRIEN'S table in the dining-room.
This is all very well in its way, but would not "_Choler_ Day" be more
appropriate and intelligible?
* * * * *