Let your conversation be adapted as skilfully as may be to your
company. Some men make a point of talking commonplaces to all ladies
alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary,
seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from
that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on
topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense
has as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary
education by the other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman
of refinement and _esprit_ than by leading the conversation into such
a channel as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.
In talking with ladies of ordinary education, avoid political,
scientific, or commercial topics, and choose only such subjects as are
likely to be of interest to them.
Remember that people take more interest in their own affairs than in
anything else which you can name. If you wish your conversation to be
thoroughly agreeable, lead a mother to talk of her children, a young
lady of her last ball, an author of his forthcoming book, or an artist
of his exhibition picture. Having furnished the topic, you need
only listen; and you are sure to be thought not only agreeable, but
thoroughly sensible and well-informed.
Be careful, however, on the other hand, not always to make a point of
talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions.
To show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering; but
to converse with them too much about their own arts looks as if you
thought them ignorant of other topics.
Do not use a classical quotation in the presence of ladies without
apologising for, or translating it. Even this should only be done when
no other phrase would so aptly express your meaning. Whether in the
presence of ladies or gentlemen, much display of learning is pedantic
and out of place.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is
peculiar to only well-bred persons. A loud voice is both disagreeable
and vulgar. It is better to err by the use of too low than too loud a
tone.
Remember that all "slang" is vulgar. It has become of late
unfortunately prevalent, and we have known even ladies pride
themselves on the saucy _chique_ with which they adopt certain
Americanisms, and other cant phrases of the day.
Such habits cannot be too severely reprehended. They lower the tone of
society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to suppose
that slang is in any way a substitute for wit.
The use of proverbs is equally vulgar in conversation; and puns,
unless they rise to the rank of witticisms, are to be scrupulously
avoided. There is no greater nuisance in society than a dull and
persevering punster.
Long arguments in general company, however entertaining to the
disputants, are tiresome to the last degree to all others. You should
always endeavour to prevent the conversation from dwelling too long
upon one topic.
Religion is a topic which should never be introduced in society. It is
the one subject on which persons are most likely to differ, and least
able to preserve temper.
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. It has been aptly said that
"if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act
almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to
thrust yourself before him, and stop his progress."
To listen well, is almost as great an art as to talk well. It is not
enough _only_ to listen. You must endeavour to seem interested in the
conversation of others.
It is considered extremely ill-bred when two persons whisper in
society, or converse in a language with which all present are not
familiar. If you have private matters to discuss, you should appoint
a proper time and place to do so, without paying others the ill
compliment of excluding them from your conversation.
If a foreigner be one of the guests at a small party, and does not
understand English sufficiently to follow what is said, good-breeding
demands that conversation shall be carried on in his own language. If
at a dinner-party, the same rule applies to those at his end of the
table.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you carry on the thread of a
previous conversation, you should briefly recapitulate to him what has
been said before he arrived.
Do not be _always_ witty, even though you should be so happily gifted
as to need the caution. To outshine others on every occasion is the
surest road to unpopularity.
Always look, but never stare, at those with whom you converse.
In order to meet the general needs of conversation in society, it is
necessary that a man should be well acquainted with the current news
and historical events of at least the last few years.
Never talk upon subjects of which you know nothing, unless it be for
the purpose of acquiring information. Many young men imagine that
because they frequent exhibitions and operas they are qualified judges
of art. No mistake is more egregious or universal.
Those who introduce anecdotes into their conversation are warned
that these should invariably be "short, witty, eloquent, new, and not
far-fetched."
Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities.
In conversing with a man of rank, do not too frequently give him his
title. Only a servant interlards every sentence with "my Lord," or "my
Lady." It is, however, well to show that you remember his station by
now and then introducing some such phrase as--"I think I have already
mentioned to your Lordship"--or, "I believe your Grace was observing"... In
general, however, you should address a nobleman as you would any other
gentleman. The Prince of Wales himself is only addressed as "Sir," in
conversation, and the Queen as "Madam."
* * * * *
V.--NOTES OF INVITATION, &c.
Notes of invitation and acceptance are written in the third person
and the simplest style. The old-fashioned preliminary of "presenting
compliments" is discontinued by the most elegant letter-writers.
All notes of invitation are now issued in the name of the mistress of
the house only, as follows;--
"Mrs. Norman requests the honour of Sir George and Lady Thurlow's
company at an evening party, on Monday, 14th of June."
Others prefer the subjoined form, which is purchaseable ready printed
upon either cards or note-paper, with blanks for names or dates:--
"Mrs. Norman,
"At home,
"Monday evening, June 14th inst."
An "At home" is, however, considered somewhat less stately than
an evening party, and partakes more of the character of a
_conversazione_.