MY DEAR CHARLES,--When you have witnessed a military inspection, have
seen the Great Man going round the companies and have heard his few
kind words to the victims of his scrutiny, no doubt you have told
yourself that a soldier's life must be very smooth and comfortable and
his work as easy as kiss-my-hand. If further you assume, from the
clock-like regularity of the parade, that we must all be on very good
terms and intimate understanding with each other, I feel bound to
disclose the dismal facts.
The information that we were to be inspected by our Great Man on the
Friday was handed to me, with the soup, at Thursday's mess. I did not
appreciate its horrible significance and, wondering why it should put
the older hands off their ration beef, I ate my dinner in the usual
manner, cracked a jest or two with the slightly preoccupied Adjutant
and C.O., and later on strolled down to my company's billet to inform
them that they would be inspected on the morrow. I supposed they would
say to each other, "Oh! indeed," and turn in to sleep; but I am
credibly informed that they had no bed that night.
On the following morning I was dumbfounded by their dazzling
appearance and could not help remarking that here at last was the
Perfect Thing. I was just sufficiently soldierlike, however, to
examine them with an icy disdain before we set out. _En route_ to the
rendezvous, I pictured to myself the Great Man's delight at beholding
us, his superlative admiration expressed in a voice choked with
affectionate emotion, and his final jocular farewell to myself--"As
for _your_ company, my dear Henry, it's marvellous."
I cannot record the actual event in all its details, which were mostly
bootlaces and whiskers. The first I knew of the trouble was a face so
ominous as to divert attention even from a splendid uniform. Such was
the look in the inspecting eye that, had I been my own master, I
should have bowed as lowly as to Allah, and said, "Your Highness, I
regret that urgent business at the Bank compels the instant departure
of myself (with my company)," and we should have been gone at the
double before he had gathered the gist of my remark. As it was, I had
to stand fast and pretend that we were all very glad to see him and
hoped he would make a long stay with us.
At about the third man, he stopped dead, very dead, and called my
attention to the fact that this private was all whiskers and no
bootlaces. What had I to say to that? I might have said, "So he is,
Sir, now I come to look at him. He should, of course, have been all
boot-laces and no whisker," or merely, "Well, I never!" or, again,
with some truth, "As to his laces, Sir, they were there a minute ago
but have just fallen out of his boots; and the hair has all grown on
his face while you and I were saluting each other just now." Instead I
was mute by the visitation of Heaven and we passed on, to pause at No.
8, whose feet and face also were by now all that they should not be.
Again, I was called upon for a speech--in vain. You will notice,
Charles, that Brigadiers and Colonels are poltroons at these times;
they push the company-commander into the forefront of the battle and
skulk behind his back.
The Great Man interrupted his examination to chat with his A.D.C.,
mainly, I fancy, about whiskers and bootlaces. Being also interested
in the subject, I took the opportunity to look along my company and
see (believe me or not, as you please) the whiskers coming into
existence and the laces going out.... I gathered later that things
were much the same with every company in the brigade. The Brigadier
gathered this also, but at once and from the Great Man.
That night the Brigadier sent for our C.O. The next morning our C.O.
sent for us. In due sequence we sent for our section-commanders, and
what was left of them, when we had finished, went to interview the
private. The last-named, having no one to whom to express his
contempt, utter loathing and devilish intentions for the future,
adopted the only alternative and took the necessary action.
The news of a second inspection reached me a week in advance, during
which I took no food because I was left no time and had no appetite.
It was a gloomy period, which was relieved only by two small
incidents. The one took place at the C.O.'s inspection, and I will
call it "The Private and the Toothbrush." Asked why it was so black,
he replied that he cleaned his teeth with permanganate of potash, thus
defeating the little crowd inspecting him, since none knew whether
that chemical could be used for cleaning teeth and, if it could,
whether it would turn the brush black. The other I will call "The
Memo. of the Transport Officer," who was so upset by what was said to
him that he "begged to certify that he had that day purchased 3 new
altars for his Transport service." This was officially passed on to me
to cheer me up a little, and I am authorised to divulge it to you.
The week elapsed in a hurricane of harsh oaths, and again I paraded my
company. Upon examination it now appeared to me to be the most
revoltingly untidy and deficient sight I had ever seen, an opinion
heartily endorsed by the Adjutant, C.O. and Brigadier. _En route_ to
the rendezvous this time I pictured nothing to myself; I merely
shifted my service revolver to a position from which I could more
easily destroy myself in an emergency.... And when the Great Man
approached he smiled at me, and no sooner had he remarked to his
A.D.C. that the buttons and bayonets of the brigade did credit to all
concerned than those stolidly dull buttons of mine brightened up and
bayonets grew where before there had been empty and depressed
scabbards.
I don't know exactly what the Great Man said to the Brigadier, but
expect it was much the same as the C.O. said to us and we to the
section-commanders. I doubt if the section-commanders said anything
nice to the private, but no doubt the latter knew by instinct that
this was an occasion upon which he might with impunity, but only once
in a way, step slightly aside from the straight and narrow path. I
guess, my dear Charles, that it is only the _second_ inspection to
which you, as representing the ignorant public, are invited.
The forty-eight hours' leave (by way of reward or for convalescence)
which ensued I spent with my wife. With feminine perversity she at
once started inspecting my moustache, one of the most astonishing
productions of these astonishing times. "Say what you please now,"
said I, quite imperturbable. "At the next inspection you'll find
yourself remarking that it is the best disciplined and equipped
moustache you have ever seen." And so it is.
Yours ever,
HENRY.
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