sex act is regarded as something unclean, indecent, animal-like,
brutal. Such Women need a good "talking-to," and if they are only not
natural born fools, one good explanation often fixes matters. On a par
with this general prudishness is the infamous idea promulgated by a
few semi-insane, mentally decrepit men and women, that sexual
intercourse is for the purpose of propagation only. That only when a
child is wanted is the relation permissible; at all other times it is
a sin, an "act of prostitution," an offense in the eyes of God, etc.,
etc. Of course if the wife has such ideas the husband deserves little
sympathy. A man should know what ideas the woman entertains whom he is
going to make his wife and the mother of his children. But,
unfortunately, this, the most important subject of sex and sexuality,
is never touched upon by the engaged couple (it would be so
indelicate!), and after they are married they often find themselves at
opposite poles. Here also a good heart-to-heart talk will do a world
of good. I have had several such cases where a little conversation or
even a letter saved the couple from disruption.
In many cases the cause of refusal is fear of pregnancy. In this case
the wife is right. But the remedy is simple: give her full instruction
in the use of contraceptive measures. Other causes are: excessive
masturbation, vaginismus, local malformation, inflammation, etc. But
whatever the causes of the wife's "bad behavior" may be, they are all
amenable to treatment. Some need medical treatment, some psychic
treatment, and some nothing but just a common-sense, heart-to-heart
talk.
And I would emphasize: Do not repel your husbands when they ask for
sexual favors--at least do not repel them too often. Households in
which relations are had rather frequently and in which the wives lend
their full and eager participation are happier households than those
in which the sexual act is indulged in rarely, and with grumbling and
side-remarks on the part of the wife.
But of course you should not go to the other extreme either. You
should not make too frequent demands upon your husband. With a man the
act means a good deal more than it does with a woman; it entails a
great deal more of physical and mental exhaustion, and a wife who is
unreasonable in this respect is sowing the seeds of discord and
unhappiness. She is sacrificing the future to the present. The husband
is apt to become afflicted with satiety or impotence--and the wife may
have to lead a life of continence for much longer than she would have
had to if she had been moderate. In no department of life is
moderation so important as in sex life. Non-use, insufficient use and
excessive use are all bad. A mutually joyful, eager and moderately
frequent participation in the sexual act will contribute most to a
happy and long life.
=Dainty Underwear.= This may be considered too delicate or too
trifling a subject to discuss in an important sex book. But nothing is
too delicate or too trifling that concerns human happiness, and you
will believe me if I tell you that nice underwear or dainty lingerie
plays a very important rôle in marital life. And every married woman
should have as fine and as dainty underwear as she can possibly
afford. A fine or elaborate nightgown may be more important than an
expensive skirt or hat. Unfortunately too many women ignore this fact.
Externally they will be well dressed, while their petticoats, drawers
and undershirts will be of the commonest quality and of questionable
freshness and immaculateness. And if anything in a woman's toilet
should be immaculately fresh and clean it is, I emphasize, her
underwear. Silk and lace and delicate batiste should be preferred, if
they can be afforded, and attention should be paid to the color. As a
rule, a delicate pink is the color that most men prefer. The sex act
with some men requires the most delicate adjustments, and the
condition of the underwear may determine the man's desire and ability
or inability to accomplish the act. I therefore repeat: whether you
are newly married or have been married a quarter of a century, be
sure that your underwear is the very best that your means will allow
you, and that it is always sweet, fresh and dainty. It will help you
to retain the affection of your husband. I know that some allegedly
wise ones will scoff at this statement. They may say that an affection
that may be influenced by the kind and condition of underwear is not
worth having or retaining. But what do these wise ones know! What do
they know of the numerous subtle influences which gradually either
strengthen or undermine our affections? Follow this advice and you
will be grateful.
=Do Not Offend Against Esthetics.= Some women think that because they
are married to their husbands they owe the latter no esthetic
consideration. Things that they would be horrified to let a stranger
see they do before their husband's eyes without hesitation. For
instance, not to beat about the bush, though the subject is not a
pleasant one, they will urinate in their husbands' presence, or they
will let him see their soiled menstrual napkins, etc. Some husbands
may not mind it; but some men are very sensitive--men on the whole are
more esthetic than women--and an indifference towards the wife may
have its origin in some vulgar or unesthetic procedure on the wife's
part. The sexual act, as mentioned before, is a very delicate
mechanism, and it is very easy to disarrange it. The act of
micturition before the man is known in many instances to have
instantly abolished the man's sexual desire which was present before.
And a man told me that because he noticed in a closet a lot of rags
soiled with menstrual blood he was unable to enjoy relations with his
wife for several months. You may think that these are all small
things, but life is made up of little things, and many a married life
went smash on account of disregarding the little things.
=A High Stomach.= Avoid if you possibly can a high stomach, or a big
stomach, or what we call in technical language a pendulous abdomen.
Nothing is more fatal to woman's beauty--and to man's love--than a big
stomach, and particularly a hang-down stomach. It at once takes away
her youthfulness and makes her matronly--and matronliness is fatal to
romance. It is not so much general stoutness that is objected to--some
men, as is well known, prefer plump, stout women. And there are some
savage tribes in which the preference is given to obese women with
enormous abdomens, but this is not the case with the Caucasian
race--not in civilized countries, at any rate, and surely not in the
United States. First, reduce your carbohydrates, use massage and
hydrotherapy, walk for hours at a time, but reduce your big
abdomen--or, still better, don't let it get big. Prevention here, as
elsewhere, is much better than cure.
=Bad Odor from the Mouth.= I know of no other physical ailment which
is so dangerous, so fatal to the permanency of the love relation as is
a strong, offensive odor from the mouth. As a noxious gas blights a
delicate plant, so will a strong bad odor blight the delicate plant of
love. Yes, a strong malodorous whiff will cool the most ardent
passion. The public would be astounded if it knew how many cases of
separation and divorce are due to nothing else but a bad odor from the
mouth. Therefore, if you happen to suffer from this unfortunate
ailment, lose no time in applying to a competent physician, and do not
tire of treating yourself, no matter how irksome and time-consuming
the treatment may be, until you are completely cured. It is important
to your happiness.
=Odors from Other Parts of Body.= Odors from other parts of the body
should be conspicuous by their absence. Normally no artificial aids
are needed. Frequent bathing and general cleanliness are alone
sufficient. The natural feminine odor--_odor feminae_--is pleasant,
attractive and needs no disguise. But where an unpleasant odor from
the genitals, feet or armpits is present the proper treatment should
be applied, and in such cases the use of a delicate perfume, sachet
or scented talcum powder, is quite permissible. Not only permissible
but advisable.
A very good treatment for perspiration and bad odor from the feet is
the following: bathe the feet night and morning in a basin of water to
which has been added an ounce (two tablespoonfuls) of formaldehyde
solution. Dry carefully, and then rub in well the following powder. It
is simple, cheap and efficient:
Salicylic acid one dram
Boric acid one ounce
Dried alum two ounces
Talcum four ounces
A little of the powder should be shaken into the stockings every
morning, and the stockings should be changed very frequently, once or
twice a day. This powder is also efficient against perspiration and
bad odor from the armpits.
I am not giving any treatment for bad odor from the mouth, for this
condition may be due to a great variety of causes. The cause may
reside in the nose; it may reside in the mouth, decaying teeth,
throat, tonsils. It may be due to a bad stomach, to some disease of
the lungs, etc. Sometimes it is due to overeating. What would be of
value in one condition might be useless in another. The right thing,
therefore, is to go to a competent physician, have him find the cause
of your trouble and outline the proper treatment.
Leucorrhea. Some men find themselves _entirely unable_ to have sexual
relations with a woman whom they know is suffering with leucorrhea.
The mere knowledge of the fact takes away their _ability_ to perform
the act. It renders them impotent. It disgusts them, and disgust is
fatal to sexual power. Only to-day I saw in my office a woman who
anxiously begged for advice and treatment. She had been married five
years. She has always had leucorrhea, from her fifteenth year as far
as she remembers. Otherwise she did not suffer. For the first three
years or so her married life has been a happy one. Then in an
unfortunate moment she told her husband about her profuse leucorrhea,
and instantly she noticed a change in him. He could not fully hide the
expression on his face. And since then he ceased to have intercourse
with her. He made a few attempts, but they turned out unsatisfactory
to both, and she noticed that he was forcing himself, doing it against
his will. She took some patent medicines and went to one doctor, but
without any results. Now, unless she could be cured, she feared her
husband would demand a separation or a divorce. If you have leucorrhea
treat it. And remember you need not initiate your husband in all your
unesthetic ailments.
Loyalty. Loyalty on the part of the wife is almost as important as
fidelity. And it is in the highest degree disloyal for a wife to talk
to her female or male friends about her husband's peculiarities,
foibles or weaknesses. The husband's--as well, of course, as the
wife's--peculiarities should be what we call a professional secret.
Just as a physician is forbidden to talk to outsiders about his
patient's troubles, so should a wife not talk about her husband, nor a
husband about his wife. I know of a case in which a newly married
husband was temporarily impotent (and it was the wife's fault, too).
She spoke about it in the deepest confidence to a close girl friend of
hers. The friend told it in deep confidence to another friend. And so
it went around until it reached the husband's ears. From that moment
he made no further attempt to have relations with his wife; a coolness
resulted, which led to a separation, which still persists. The wife
begged forgiveness, but he was unable to grant it--he felt so deeply
hurt.
Flirting. Do not flirt. Men are apt to misunderstand you, and you are
apt to get the reputation of a loose woman without in any way having
deserved it. I do not say that you should always wear a forbidding
expression, and should scowl at people who dare to smile at you or
otherwise pay homage to your feminine charms. But there is a
difference between a friendly expression and flirting. However, when
your husband begins to neglect you, then a mild flirtation may be
justifiable. It will _always_ do your husband good to know that there
are other males in the world beside him, and that some of these males
find interest in the female whom he considers his permanent and
exclusive property.
=Slovenly Husbands.= Don't let your husband become a slob. That is
just what I mean. It is no use mincing words. Some husbands have never
acquired the habit--or if they have acquired it they quickly lost
it--of regarding their wives as ladies. "She is not a lady, she is
only my wife," is a well-known joke, but some men take it not as a
jest. Some men think that before their wives they can be as slovenly
and unclean as they please. Give your husband to understand that
cleanliness and freshness is not a "sex-limited" attribute, and just
as a husband wants his wife to be clean and dainty and well-groomed,
so a wife may enjoy the same qualities in her husband. Some women are
very fastidious, and while they may say nothing to their husbands for
fear of irritating them, they may think a good deal.
=Carrying Life Insurance.= Every husband should carry some life
insurance--as much as he conveniently can. This should be the
husband's most pleasant duty, particularly so when the wife has no
profession of her own and there are small children to bring up. The
lack of consideration, the thoughtlessness--I would call it
dishonesty--on the part of many husbands who claim to love their wives
is simply heart-breaking. Who of us does not know of cases of refined
wives with children left absolutely penniless and forced into wage
slavery or even into menial service by the negligence of their
husbands? Such things happened even to wives whose husbands were
making from three to ten thousand a year. Thoughtlessness,
carelessness, procrastination--and then it was too late. There is not
a man who makes as little as twenty dollars a week who cannot carry
some insurance. I was once poor, very poor. And the terrifying
thought, What would happen to my wife and two children if I should be
taken off suddenly? gave me many a troubled and sleepless night. And
when I took out a thousand dollars insurance I felt some relief. But I
felt it was inadequate. I therefore made a supreme effort and soon
took an additional ten thousand dollars. And I assure you that the
annual premium of two hundred and eighty-six dollars was a terrible
burden on me. There were times when I felt as if I had to give it up.
But I deprived myself of many necessities (there was no question of
luxuries) and I paid my premiums regularly. But in compensation I had
restful nights. It was soothing to know that if I should be taken away
in my earliest youth my equally young wife and two little babies would
not be left penniless. I verily believe that an adequate life
insurance prolongs a person's life, because it removes the worry about
the future of the wife and children.
I repeat, every husband should carry some life insurance. And the
habit of the bridegroom presenting the bride with a substantial life
insurance policy is a very good one. It is not only a financial
protection to the wife; it is also more or less a guarantee of the
husband's fair health.
=Making a Will.= Another point. Every husband should make a will. This
is a delicate point about which most wives would hesitate to speak to
their husbands, but the husband should attend to the matter himself. A
will doesn't shorten anybody's life, but is very convenient in case of
a sudden taking off. This is, of course, particularly important if
there is some property. If the husband dies without a will, there is
endless trouble and red tape for the wife. An executor has to be
appointed, she has to give bonds, etc., etc. If the husband leaves a
will making his wife sole executrix, without a bond, all trouble is
avoided. I assume, of course, that the husband has perfect confidence
in his wife's wisdom and integrity. If he has not and there are
children, it is just as well to designate some outside executor or
executors. But whichever may be the case, it is a good and sensible
thing always to have a will properly made out and witnessed.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
A RATIONAL DIVORCE SYSTEM
A Rational Divorce System--Storms and Squalls--Two Sides of the
Divorce Question--Outside Help and Marital Tangles--A Husband who
was a Paragon of Virtue--The Case of the Sweet Wife--The Proper
Untangling of Domestic Tangles.
Of course, I am in favor of a rational divorce system. The
difficulties, the obstacles, the expense, with which divorce is now
surrounded in most civilized countries is simply disgraceful. Make
marriage harder and divorce easier, has always been my motto. When
life together becomes unbearable then it is better for both husband
and wife to cut the tie and to get divorced. Divorce is preferable to
separation, because both spouses may be able to lead a new and happier
life. Where there are no children to be taken care of a simple
declaration of husband and wife repeated perhaps after a lapse of
three or six months should be quite sufficient for the granting of a
divorce. Where there are children the state should make sure that they
will be properly taken care of before a divorce is granted. Where only
one party demands a divorce the case should be carefully studied by a
commission which should include in its personnel physicians and
psychologists; and adultery should most certainly not be the only
cause for divorce.
Yes, I am for a sensible, rational and easy system of divorce. But I
would always recommend care and caution. "Go slow" should be the
guiding motto of husband and wife in such cases. There are periods in
a married couple's life when further living together seems
unthinkable; and still a month or two or a year passes and the husband
and wife live happily together and cannot believe that there was ever
any friction between them. The couples are very few, indeed, who never
went through any squalls or storms, whose lives were not darkened by
disagreements, quarrels and apparently irreconcilable antagonisms. But
after the storm the sun shone brightly again, and the quarrels were
followed by harmony and peace. After that love was intensified. Were
divorce a simple matter, a mere matter of declaration, many couples
who live now in harmony would have been divorced--to their great
regret perhaps.
Yes, there are two sides to the divorce question. But I would
summarize it as follows: Where there is a real incompatibility of
characters, where there is no love and no respect, then the sooner the
couple is divorced the better, and not only for them but for the
children also, if there are any. An atmosphere of hatred and mutual
contempt is not a healthy atmosphere for the growing children. But
where there is merely irritability, outbreaks of temper, or
disagreements which if analyzed can be seen to be due to temporary and
remediable causes, then "Go slow," "Don't hurry," should be your
motto. There will always be time to get a divorce. While if a divorce
has been obtained, even if you regret it, you will most likely stay
divorced. Many divorced couples, I imagine, would remarry, if they
were not ashamed. They fear it would make them ridiculous--and it
would--in their friends' eyes.
=Outsiders in Domestic Tangles=
If you have a disagreement with your husband, try to straighten out
the tangle yourself. Don't call in outside help. You will regret it. A
stranger's paws are too coarse and too unsympathetic to meddle with
the delicate adjustments which constitute marital life, and after you
have gotten over your disagreement and are again living harmoniously
you will be ashamed to look that third party in the face, and you will
probably bear a grudge against him--or her.
Altogether outsiders are not fit to mix in the internal differences
between husband and wife. It is absolutely impossible for a stranger
to know just where the trouble is and who the guilty party is.
Sometimes there is no guilty party. Both husband and wife may be
right; they may both be lovely people and still together they may form
an incompatible, explosive mixture. And then again the party that to
outsiders may seem the angelic one may in reality be the devilish one.
It is a well-known fact that people who to the outside world may seem
the personification of honor and good nature may be very devils at
home. I have long ago given up not only meddling in, but even judging,
domestic disharmonies. For it is almost impossible for an outsider to
judge justly. I knew a husband who was considered a paragon of virtue.
And when a clash came between him and his wife everybody was inclined
to blame the wife. But it came out later that the husband had certain
ways about him which made the wife's life a very torture. And vice
versa. I know of another case where the wife was considered the
sweetest thing in the world. She had nice ways about her, but she
disliked her husband and made his life a hell. With genuine chivalry
he bore everything, believing that it was a man's duty to bear his
cross. She was unfaithful to him, but she was so clever and cunning
that neither he nor anybody else suspected it. The fact became
painfully patent to him, when on one of the rare occasions that they
came together she infected him with a venereal disease, which
incapacitated him for a long time. Nobody knew why he insisted upon a
separation, and everybody, with the exception of his physician and
perhaps one or two others, was blaming him for an unfeeling brute.
I will therefore repeat that as a general thing domestic tangles
should be untangled by the tanglers themselves. It is not safe to call
in outsiders--relatives or friends; they are apt to make the tangle
more tangled, and, what is more, they are quite likely to put the
blame on the innocent party, and bestow upon the guilty party the
Montyon prize for virtue and gentleness.
CHAPTER FIFTY
WHAT IS LOVE?
Is Love Definable?--Raising a Corner of the Veil--Two Opinions of
Love--The First Opinion: Sexual Intercourse and Love--The Second
Opinion--The Grain of Truth in Each--The Truth Concerning
Love--Foundation of Love--Sexual Attraction and Love--The Frigid
Woman and Her Husband--Puzzling Cases of Love--The
Paradox--Blindness of Love and the Penetrating Vision of
Love--Limits of Homeliness--Physical Aversion and Genesis of
Love--Mating in the Animal Kingdom--Mating in Low Races--Love in
People of High Culture--Difference in Love of Savage and Man of
Culture--Distinctions Between Loves--Varieties of Love and
Varieties of Men--"Love" Without Sexual Desire--Refraining and
Wanting--Cause of Love at First Sight--"Magnetic Forces" and Love
at First Sight--The Pathological Side--Differentiation of Phases
of Love--Infatuation--Difference Between "Infatuation" and "Being
in Love"--Sexual Satisfaction and Infatuation--Sexual
Satisfaction and Love--Infatuation Mistaken for Love--Love the
Most Mysterious of Human Emotions--Great Love and Supreme
Happiness.
I shall not attempt to give a definition, either brief or extensive,
of Love. Many have tried and failed, and I shall not attempt the
impossible. Nor shall I attempt to discuss Love in all its innumerable
details.[9] To do so would alone require a book many times more
voluminous than the one you have before you. I shall, however,
endeavor to raise a corner of the veil which surrounds this most
mysterious, most baffling and most complex of all human emotions, so
that you may get a glimpse into its intricate mechanism and perhaps
understand what Love is in its essence at least.
=Sexual and Platonic Love.= There are two widely different, in fact
diametrically opposite, opinions as to what constitutes Love. One
opinion is that Love is sexual love, sexual attraction, sexual desire.
To people holding this opinion love and sexual desire or "lust" are
synonymous. And they laugh and sneer at any attempt to idealize love,
to present it as something finer and subtler, let alone nobler, than
mere sex attraction. The writer has heard one cynical woman--and more
than one man--say: Love? There is no such a thing. Sexual intercourse
is love, and that's all there is to it.