love occupies a subordinate place. I am speaking now of love, and not
of "being in love." Being in love, as pointed out in another place, is
a distinctly pathological phenomenon, akin to insanity, and when a man
is in love it may engross every fiber of him, it may preoccupy every
minute of his waking hours, he may neglect all his work and shirk all
his duties, in fact he is apt to make a much bigger fool of himself
than a woman is under similar circumstances. He is less patient, he
has less control over himself, he is less able to suffer, he is less
capable of self-sacrifice. But this, as I said, all refers to "being
in love," which is an entirely different thing from loving. A man may
love ever so deeply, and if his love is reciprocated he will go on
with his work in a smooth, unruffled manner. He will do better work
for it--love is a wonderful stimulus--but he will be perfectly
satisfied if he sees his love for an hour or two every day, or even
once or twice a week. And if he has important and interesting work to
do, he can part with his love for three months or six months without
his heart breaking. Not so with woman. A woman who loves considers
every day on which she does not see her lover a day lost. And she is
apt to be unhappy and inefficient in her work on such days, and she
bears separation with much greater difficulty than does man. I do not
think that this is due to the fact that a woman's love is always more
intense than a man's; no. But he usually has other interests which
occupy his thoughts and his emotions, while most women's thoughts and
emotions are centered on the man they love. When a woman loves, she
could and would spend all her time with the man she loves. She would
never tire of love making (I am not referring here to sex relations),
or merely of being in the man's proximity. To woman love is a cloyless
thing. Man distinctly does tire. No matter how much he may love a
woman, too much lovemaking becomes cloying to him, and he wants to get
away. Even mere proximity, if too prolonged, becomes irksome to him,
and he begins to fret and fidget, and pull at his chains, even if the
chains are but of gossamer. Woman should know these facts and act
accordingly.
=Polygamous Tendencies in Man=
We now come to the last point in our discussion: the polygamous or
varietist tendencies in the male versus the monogamous tendencies in
the female. No matter what our moralists, who try to fit the facts to
their theories instead of fitting their theories to the facts, may
say, the fact remains that man is a strongly polygamous or varietist
animal. That many men live through their lives without having had
relations with any women except their wives is cheerfully admitted. I
assert this in spite of the incredulous smiles of all the cynics and
roués in the world. I have known personally a great number of such
men. But that they do it without any struggle, and in some cases a
very severe struggle, is emphatically denied. And that hundreds of
thousands of men are unequal to the struggle--or do not care to engage
in any struggle--and live a sexually promiscuous life--anybody who
knows anything about life as it is will testify. And his testimony
will be corroborated by the reports of the vice commissions and the
statements of disreputable-house keepers. To a great percentage of men
a strictly monogamous life is either irksome, painful, disagreeable or
an utter impossibility. While the number of women who are not
satisfied with one mate is exceedingly small.
A man may love a woman deeply and sincerely and at the same time make
love to another woman, or have sexual relations with her or even with
prostitutes. It is quite a _common_ thing with men. It is quite a rare
thing with women, though it may happen. As iterated and reiterated
time and again, there are always exceptional cases, but we are
speaking of the average and not of the exception. The _rule_ is that
in her sex and love life woman is much more loyal, much more faithful,
much more single-affectioned than is her lord and master--man.
Is she on account of it better than, superior to, man? It is futile to
speak of better or worse, of superior or inferior. This is the way
they are. This is the way man and woman have been made by nature, by a
thousand centuries of heredity, by a thousand centuries of
environment. The differences lie in biological roots, and it is futile
to fight and rail against nature and biology. The proper thing to do
is to recognize the facts and make the best of them. To act the part
of the ostrich, deliberately to ignore facts which are not pleasant,
may be easy, but is it wise?
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
MATERNAL IMPRESSIONS
Wide-spread Belief in Maternal Impressions--No Single
Well-authenticated Case of Maternal Impression--Birth of
Monstrosities--Ridiculous Examples Given by Physicians--So-called
Shock Often a Product of Mother's Imagination--Four Cases of
Alleged Maternal Impressions--Mother's Health During Pregnancy
May Have Effect Upon Child's General Health.
It is believed by many people that strong impressions made upon the
mother during pregnancy may produce marks or defects in the child.
This belief dates from earliest antiquity, and is widespread among all
races. The belief particularly refers to the emotions of fright or
sudden surprise; thus it is believed that if a woman during pregnancy
should be frightened by some animal, the child might carry the mark of
the animal upon its body, or it might even be born in the shape of the
animal. Thousands of such _alleged_ cases are given in proof. There is
hardly a layman, or, particularly, a laywoman, who does not claim to
know of authentic cases of maternal impressions.
It is a thankless task to try to shatter well-established beliefs,
and I do not hope to succeed in persuading all my readers that all the
stories and examples of maternal impressions are untrue and lack
scientific foundation. But I consider it my duty to state my belief,
whether you accept it or not. In my opinion there is not a single
_well-authenticated_ case of maternal impression. There is hardly a
case of defect or monstrosity where the cause is supposed to be due to
maternal impression, which cannot be explained in some natural way, or
simply by accident. Thousands of women are frightened or shocked by
disagreeable sights, by crippled men, by animals, and still their
children are born perfectly normal. On the other hand, many marked, or
defective, or monstrous children are born in which no maternal
impressions can be given as the cause. So why can it not happen when
the mother was frightened by something during her pregnancy, and the
child was born with some mark or defect, that the latter was simply an
accident and not the _result_ of the impression? Because a thing
_follows_ another thing it does not mean that it was _caused_ by that
other thing.
Many of the cases given as examples, and by physicians too, are so
ridiculous that no scientific man can give them the slightest credence
for one moment. When a physician (Dr. Thomas J. Savage) tells us that
he attended a lady who had been frightened by a large green frog at or
about the middle of pregnancy, and that she gave birth to a
monstrosity, the head of which was that of a large frog in shape, with
the eyes and mouth and even the coloring of a frog, then he is either
telling an untruth, or he shows himself as ignorant and credulous as
any illiterate old woman can be. The doctor should know that at the
middle of pregnancy the child is _fully formed_ and that there is no
possibility of an already formed human being changing its shape into
that of an animal. Another example given by the same doctor, and
showing the calibre of his mentality, is that of a child which, when
an infant, not old enough to walk, "would crawl over the floor and
pick up little objects such as pins, tacks, small beads, without the
slightest difficulty or fumbling." The reason for this "remarkable"
skill the good doctor ascribes to the fact that four months before the
birth of this child the mother had an outing in the woods and had
derived great enjoyment from gathering hickory nuts which she found
scattered among the leaves with which the ground was thickly covered!
Very often the so-called shock or fright which the mother experiences
during gestation is simply a product of her imagination. We know of
many cases where the mothers never mentioned that anything happened
to them, and only after the child was born with some kind of mark or
defect they began to hunt for causes and claimed that such and such a
thing happened to them while they were pregnant, but on close
investigation the alleged event was found to have originated in the
mother's brain.
In short, while the subject of maternal impressions is an interesting
one and demands further investigation, there is at the present time no
scientific justification for the belief in maternal impressions.
Particularly must we scout any stories of maternal impressions during
the latter part of pregnancy, during the fifth, sixth, seventh,
eighth, or ninth month. Because after the child is fully formed no
mental or psychic impressions can make birthmarks on it, amputate its
limbs, or convert it into any sort of monstrosity.
After the above was written and ready for the printer I came across
four cases of alleged maternal impressions in a book by Laura A.
Calhoun ("Sex Determination and Its Practical Application"). The first
three cases the author relates without any comment, taking them
evidently for pure coin. The fourth case the lady investigated, and
she is frank to say that what seemed at first as a clear case of
maternal impression was nothing of the kind but merely a case of
heredity. In order to break the monotony for a little while I will
reproduce here the four cases in the lady's own words.
The first was that of "a mother who, during pregnancy, was
obliged for a certain continuous time to eat sheep's flesh. She
took such a sudden abhorrence and distaste of the meat that she
only ate it rather than go meat hungry. After the birth of her
baby she recovered from this spasmodic distaste of this
particular meat. But the child from its first meat-eating days
could not endure the smell or the taste of the sheep's flesh.
Whenever the child attempted to eat that meat, the result was
always the same--indigestion and want of assimilation, and
usually attended with acute indigestion cramps."
In the second case "another pregnant mother's particular
'longing' was for mackerel. Her baby was born with what seemed
to be the outlines, in a brownish color, of a mackerel on its
side, and which design never faded in after years, and the
child's ability to eat and digest mackerel was more than
normal."
The third case: "The 'longing' of another pregnant mother was
for brains to eat. This was provided for her. But as she was
slowly approaching the dish of deliciously prepared food,
quivering with delight and with the eagerness of a child to be
eating it, a cat sprang to the plate and before she could
prevent it ate the brains and licked the plate clean. She wept
as a child might have done, and was as unhappy and brokenhearted
over this fate of the brains food for which she had waited with
such keen anticipation of satisfaction as a little child might
have been. Shortly after that the little baby was born, and upon
one of its shoulder-blades was a representation of the mess of
brains, designed in brownish outlines, and which did not fade as
the child grew up."
The fourth case: "There lived in a little house in the midst of
a flower garden, that in its turn gave into a wide-spreading
orchard, a loving and loyal husband and wife with their
firstborn child. The wife was now in the first months of
pregnancy with her second child. Their nearest neighbor was a
Mexican family, among the members of which was a dashing young
man of about twenty-two. He and his sister and mother were
frequent visitors to this little household of three. But the
young Mexican was the most frequent, and the husband's being
home or not did not disconcert him. Men of affairs must need
spend morning hours, and sometimes afternoon hours, too, inside
of offices, but wealthy and aristocratic young Mexicans ride
horses all day, decked out with silver, leather, and velvet
trappings, both horse and rider. It was this lady's custom to
walk among her flowers and fruit trees. And it became the custom
of this young caballero to suddenly appear before her during
these promenades. Her startled eyes would no sooner perceive the
vision of his blazing, dark eyes fastened upon her, than by one
pretext and another she made him understand that he was
dismissed, and would herself retire into the house. When she
would be about to open a gate, suddenly and unexpectedly the
young Mexican would appear on the other side and with gracious
suavity open the gate, always his passionate, dark eyes upon
her, though his words were reserved and polite. If the husband
were present, it was still the same. By every means possible he
would prolong his stay.
One summer day this lady was lying on her couch on the veranda,
sleeping, her eyes covered over. At that time she was having an
eye malady that was epidemic in that part of the country. She
heard footsteps approaching, but did not disturb herself, as she
supposed it was her husband. After some time she suddenly threw
off the covering from her face, and there to her astonished eyes
stood the young Mexican, intensely looking down upon her with
deep concern. At that moment the husband arrived, and the young
man told him of a weed growing in that locality that he said
would cure the eye malady. When the leaves of this plant were
crushed there oozed a yellowish milk; with about a half-dozen
applications of this milk to the sore eyes they were healed.
After that the young caballero would ride up and down, Mexican
fashion, in front of the house, drawing rein whenever he could
get a glimpse of the lady or a word with her. This never failed
to annoy her, and also to strike a sudden, sharp terror into
her heart. Always his appearance was most unexpected, and
always accompanied by the rapt, passionate, dark gaze. Though he
was a most clean-souled young man.
Afterward, when the baby was born, one of the child's eyes was
marked by the color and fire of the dashing Spaniard's eyes,
while its other eye was a calmish blue-gray eye. This was all
the more remarkable as neither of the parents of the child had
such eyes. Was it a case of maternal impression?
Upon investigation I found that the grandparents of the baby's
mother had just such eyes as the baby. The grandfather's were
big, dark, flashing eyes, and the grandmother's the mild,
blue-gray eyes. So 'bang!' went the theory of mental impression,
and in its place came the physical law of reversion."
I do not wish to be misunderstood as claiming that a mother's
condition during pregnancy has no effect on the child, and that she
need therefore take no precautions and pay no particular attention to
her health and her feelings. This is not so. But what I do want to
convey is this: That if a mother's health during pregnancy is bad, if
she is a prey to worry and anxiety, if she was subjected to great
fright or to a shock, then the child's general health may suffer. It
may be stillborn, or the mother may have a miscarriage. But it will
not produce those specific marks, deformities and monstrosities which
are commonly supposed to be the results of maternal impressions.
If I lay somewhat special stress upon the subject of maternal
impressions, it is because I pity the poor mothers and want to spare
them as much as possible unnecessary worry and anxiety. Besides I want
them to believe in the truth and not in error.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
ADVICE TO THE MARRIED AND THOSE ABOUT TO BE
Marriage as an Ideal Institution--Monogamic Marriage--Some Reasons
for Husbands' Deviations--Importance of First Few Weeks of
Married Life--Necessity for Understanding at Beginning--
Preventing and Breaking Habits--The Wife's Individuality--
Husbands Who are Childish, Not Vicious--Wife's Interest in
Husband's Affairs--The "Slob" Husband--The Well-groomed Husband--
Bad Odor from the Mouth--Odors from Other Parts of the Body--
Treatment for Bad Odor from Perspiration--A Beneficial Powder--
Advice Regarding Flirting--Dainty Underwear--Fine External Clothes
and Cheap and Soiled Underwear--Delicate Adjustments of Sex Act
Required with Some Men--Wife Who Discusses Her Husband's Foibles--
A Professional Secret--A Case of Temporary Impotence--The Wife's
Indiscretion--The Disastrous Result--A Big Stomach--The Wife's
Attitude Towards the Marital Relation--Behavior Preliminary to
and During the Act--Congenital Frigidity--Prudish and Vicious
Ideas About the Sex Act--Sexual Intercourse for Procreative
Purposes Only--Fear of Pregnancy on the Part of the Wife--The
Remedy--Other Causes--Wife who Makes too Frequent Demands--
Sacrificing the Future to the Present--Esthetic Considerations.
Whether marriage in its present form is an ideal institution destined
to endure forever, whether it is in need of radical reforms before it
can be considered ideal, or whether it has fundamental irremediable
defects, are questions which we are not going to discuss here. The
fact is that at the present time the greatest part of the adult
population of the world is married; and the part that isn't would like
to be. And the greater part of civilized humanity living in a state of
monogamic marriage, it behooves us to make the best of it, to get out
of it the greatest amount of happiness that we can, obviate as much
unhappiness as possible, and to do everything in our power to make it
permanent. Separation or divorce are remedies of last resort, and
people have recourse to them when they are at the end of their tether.
But the proper thing to do is to avoid the necessity of having to have
recourse to them. And I believe that a careful, thoughtful perusal of
this chapter will help husband and wife to get along better, to avoid
unnecessary friction and to retain the mutual physical and spiritual
attraction which we call Love for a longer period than might otherwise
be the case.
I have the confidence and listen to the intimate confessions of more
men and woman probably than any other physician in America, or perhaps
in the world. For reasons easily understood they tell me things which
they would not think of telling to their regular physician. I have
learned of many of the reasons, which in many families led first to a
coolness, then to an estrangement, or to quarrels, to separation and
divorce. I know the first steps which in many instances draw the
husband to another woman. And I wish to tell you, that while I firmly
believe in the polygamous or rather varietist tendencies of the
average man, nevertheless I am convinced that one of the great reasons
why so many married men patronize prostitutes, or have mistresses or
lady friends, is to be found in the wives themselves. Many wives
_drive_ their husbands to other women, and are alone responsible for
their suffering, for the cooling of their husbands' affections, and
perhaps even desertion. And in the following pages I will endeavor, as
stated before, to point out some of the rocks and shoals on which the
matrimonial bark is so often shattered, and to offer the wives some
suggestions which will help them to retain their husbands' affections
and perhaps even also their fidelity.
While the advice is intended primarily for wives, there will be found
here and there a salutary piece of advice for husbands. Some of the
advice is applicable to both partners, and as to those suggestions
which concern the husband only--it will be a good thing for the wives
to call their husbands' attention to them.
The first few weeks or the first few months are the most important in
the life of a married couple. The stability of the marriage, the
future happiness, often depend upon the things which are done or left
undone during the initial weeks of married life. A certain
understanding must be reached from the very beginning. If your husband
does certain things which displease you and which you know should not
be done, it is best to say so at the very start. It is easier to
prevent the establishment of a habit than to break a habit after it
has been established.
=Retain Your Individuality.= The first piece of advice I have to give
you is: _Retain your individuality_. It is a trite but perfectly true
observation that altogether too many men who during courtship were
chivalry personified assume a dictatorial tone as soon as the knot has
been tied. They think that the wife has actually ceased to exist as a
separate human being, that she has been absorbed, and with the loss of
her name she has lost all right to have her own opinions, her own
tastes, and, of course, her own friends. Friends who are obnoxious to
one of the marital partners one must give up sometimes; but do not
permit your entire personality to be obscured. Explain to your husband
that you are still an independent living human being. I do not say,
you should at once start a fight. Nothing is more offensive to me than
the militant, pugnacious woman, who wears a chip on the shoulder and
is continually ready to insist on her "rights." But with gentleness
and firmness much can be accomplished. And you want to remember that
many husbands act the way they do, not because they are vicious, but
because they are stupid or childish. Sometimes it is mere
thoughtlessness. They have been brought up wrongly, and some of them
sincerely imagine that by repressing the wife's personality, by
blotting it out, they are acting in her interest. "It is for her own
good." A serious talk with a husband will sometimes have a wonderful
effect. It may sometimes change entirely the current of his thoughts.
Of course if the husband is a cad, a conceited fool, or a brute, you
can do nothing with him; but fortunately not all husbands belong to
those categories.
=Interest in Husband's Affairs.= Be interested in your husband's
affairs. No matter what your husband's occupation may be, you should
possess enough intelligence to be able to understand what he is doing.
It is almost unbelievable how little some wives know about their
husband's profession or work. It is a bad thing when strange women
understand your husband's work better than you do, and when he finds
in them more intelligent and more sympathetic listeners. He may go to
them for sympathy. If your husband is a scientist or a research
worker or a professional man it is not necessary that you be familiar
with all the details of his work, but with the general character you
should be. And if you can be of assistance to him in his work, if it
be only looking up references, compiling tables and statistics or
merely typewriting, it will be appreciated by him, and will sometimes
help to knit the bonds a bit closer.
There is another important reason for being interested in and
understanding your husband's business. When the husband dies--and a
man is not infrequently snatched away in the prime of youth and
vigor--the wife is often left to the mercies of the cold world,
without money and without a profession. If she understands the
husband's business she can continue it and remain economically
independent. This has reference not only to ordinary business, like
stores or agencies, but to more or less specialized occupations, such
for instance as publishing. We know the cases of two widows of
publishers of medical journals. When their husbands died everybody was
commiserating with them: what will they make a living from? But they
understood the details of their husbands' business, and they kept
right on. And now those journals are financially more successful than
they were when the husbands were at the helm.
=Wife's Behavior Toward Sexual Relations.= I am now coming to a
delicate subject. But, delicate though it is, it must be dealt with
unflinchingly, because it is probably responsible for more male
infidelity than all other causes combined. I speak of the relation of
the wife to her marital duties, in other words, to sexual relations.
Too many women regard the sexual act as a nuisance, as an ordeal, as
something disagreeable to get through with as quickly as possible;
they regard the husband's demands in this line as an imposition, as
unfair or even as brutal; and their behavior preliminary to and during
the act is such as to cool the ardor of any refined and sensitive man.
The reasons for this behavior on the part of many wives are manifold;
this is not the place to consider them in detail. I will allude to
them briefly. One great cause is congenital frigidity. The woman is
cold, frigid, has no desire for sex relations and experiences no
pleasure, no sensation from them. Such women are not to blame; they
are to be pitied. But even they can behave so as not to repel their
husbands. (See Chapter XLIII).