LADY AMARANTH'S.
_Enter_ JANE, _with a light_.
_Jane._ I believe there's not a soul in the house but myself; my lady
has sent all the folks round the country to search after the young
'squire, she'll certainly break her heart if any thing happens to him;
I don't wonder, for surely he's a dear, sweet gentleman: the pity of
it is, his going spoils all our fine play, and I had just got my part
quite by heart; however, I must do the room up for Mr. Banks's sister,
that my lady has invited here. [_Adjusts her toilet._
_Enter_ EPHRAIM SMOOTH.
_Eph._ The man John Dory has carried the man George hither in his
arms, and has locked him up. Coming into the house, they did look to
me like a blue lobster with a shrimp in his claws--Oh, here is the
damsel I love, and alone.
_Jane._ They say when folks look in the glass, at night, they see the
black gentleman.
[_As she is looking in a glass_, EPHRAIM _goes and peeps over
her shoulders; she screams_.
_Eph._ Thou art employed in vanity.
_Jane._ Well, who wants you?
_Eph._ It is natural for woman to love man.
_Jane._ Yes; but not such ugly men as you are. Why would you come in
to frighten me, when you know there's nobody here but ourselves.
_Eph._ I am glad of that. I am the elm and thou the honey suckle; let
thy arms entwine me.
_Jane._ Oh, what a rogue is here! but yonder comes my lady, and I'll
show him off to her in his true colours. [_Aside._
_Eph._ Clasp me around.
_Jane._ Well, I will, if you'll take off your hat, and make me a fine
low bow.
_Eph._ I cannot bend my knee, nor take off my beaver.
_Jane._ Then you're very impudent--go along.
_Eph._ But to win thy favour. [_Takes off his hat, and bows._
_Jane._ Now kneel down to me.
_Eph._ I cannot, but one lovely smile may smile me down. [_She smiles,
he kneels._
_Jane._ Well, now, read me a speech out of that fine play-book.
_Eph._ I read a play! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on!--But, Jane, wilt thou kiss me?
_Jane._ I kiss a man! a-bo-mi-na-ti-on! [_Mimicking._] but you may
take my hand--
_Eph._ Oh! 'tis a comfort to the lip of the faithful. [_Kisses her
hand._
_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH.
_Lady Am._ How! [_Taps him gently on the shoulder, he looks up
confounded._] Ah, thou sly and deceitful hypocrite!
_Eph._ Verily, Mary, I was buffetted by Satan, in the shape of a
damsel.
_Lady Am._ Begone!
_Eph._ My spirit is sad, though my feet move so nimble. [_Exit very
slow._
_Lady Am._ But, Oh, Heavens, no tidings of my dearest Henry! Jane, let
them renew their search.
_Jane._ Here's Madam Amelia, you see I've got her room ready; but I'll
go make brother Sim look for the young 'squire. [_Exit._
_Enter_ AMELIA.
_Amelia._ Oh, madam, might I implore your influence with--
_Lady Am._ Thou art ill accommodated here; but I hope thou wilt
excuse--My mind is a sea of trouble, my peace shipwrecked--Oh, friend,
hadst thou seen my cousin Harry, thou too, all who knew him, must be
anxious for his safety.
_John._ [_Without._] Heave a-head.
_Enters with_ SIR GEORGE.
_Sir Geo._ Rascal! whip me up like a pound of tea, dance me about
like a young bear, make me quit the preserver of my life! yes, puppy
unknown will think me a poltroon, and that I was afraid to follow, and
second him.
_John._ Well, you may as well turn into your hammock; for out to-night
you shall not budge--[_Sees Amelia._] Oh! marcy of Heaven! isn't it--Eh,
master? Only give one look.
_Amelia._ [_Seeing_ SIR GEORGE.] My husband!
[_Swoons_; LADY AMARANTH _supports her_.
_Sir Geo._ 'Tis my Amelia!
_John._ [_Stopping_ SIR GEORGE, _and looking attentively at_ AMELIA.]
Reef the foresail! first, you cracked her heart by sheering off, and
now you'll overset her by bringing to.
_Lady Am._ Hold--soft!
_Amelia._ Are you at length returned to me, my Seymour?
_Lady Am._ Seymour! her mind is disturbed, this is mine uncle, Sir
George Thunder.
_John._ No, no, my lady, she knows what she's saying very well.
_Sir Geo._ Niece, I have been a villain to this lady, I confess. But,
my dear Amelia, Providence has done you justice in part. From the
first month I quitted you, I have never entered one happy hour on my
journal; hearing that you foundered, and considering myself the cause,
the worm of remorse has gnawed my timbers.
_Amelia._ You're not still offended with me?
_Sir Geo._ Me! can you forgive my offence, and condescend to take my
hand as an atonement?
_Amelia._ Your hand! Do you forget that we are already married?
_Sir Geo._ Ay, there was my rascality.
_John._ You may say that.
_Sir Geo._ Hold your tongue, you impudent crimp, you pander, you
bad adviser--I'll strike my false colours--I'll now acknowledge the
chaplain you provided was--
_John._ Was a good man, and a greater honour to his black, than your
honour has been to your blue cloth--Eh, by the word of a seaman, here
he is himself.
_Enter_ BANKS.
_Sir Geo._ Your brother!
_Banks._ Captain Seymour! have I found you, sir?
_Sir Geo._ My dear Banks, I'll make every reparation.--Amelia shall
really be my wife.
_Banks._ That, sir, my sister is already; for when I performed the
marriage ceremony, which you took only as the cloak of your deception,
I was actually in orders.
_John._ Now, who's the crimp, and the pander? I never told you
this since; because I thought a man's own reflections were the best
punishment for betraying an innocent woman.
_Lady Am._ Madam, my inmost soul partaketh of thy gladness, and joy
for thy reformation. [_To_ SIR GEORGE.] But thy prior marriage to this
lady, annuls the subsequent, and my cousin Harry is not now thy heir.
_Sir Geo._ So much the better; he's an unnatural cub; but, Amelia, I
flatter myself I have an heir, my infant boy.--
_Amelia._ Ah, husband, you had; but--
_Sir Geo._ Gone! well, well, I see I have been a miserable scoundrel
--Eh, I will, yes, I'll adopt that brave kind lad, that wou'dn't let
any body kill me but himself. He shall have my estate, that's my
own acquisition--My lady, marry him, puppy unknown's a fine fellow!
Amelia, only for him, you'd never have found your husband Captain
Seymour in Sir George Thunder.
_Amelia._ What?
_Banks._ Are you Sir George Thunder?
_Enter_ LANDLORD, _followed by_ EPHRAIM.
_Land._ Please you, madam, they've got a footpad in custody.
_Eph._ I am come to sit in judgment, for there is a bad man in thy
house, Mary. Bring him before me.
_Sir Geo._ Before you, old squintabus? And perhaps you don't know I'm
a magistrate?
_Eph._ I'll examine him.
_Sir Geo._ You be damn'd--I'll examine him myself, [_Shoves_ EPHRAIM.]
Tow him in here. I'll give him a passport to Winchester bilboes.
_Amelia._ [_Kneels to_ SIR GEORGE.] Oh, sir, as you hope for mercy,
extend it to this youth; but even should he be guilty, which, from
our knowledge of his benevolent and noble nature, I think next to an
impossibility, let the services he has rendered to us--he protected,
relieved your forsaken wife, and her unhappy brother, in the hour of
want and sorrow.
_Sir Geo._ What, Amelia, plead for a robber! Consider, my love,
justice is above bias or partiality. If my son violated the laws of
his country, I'd deliver him up a public victim to disgrace and
punishment.
_Lady Am._ Oh, my impartial uncle! Had thy country any laws to punish
him, who instead of paltry gold, would rob the artless virgin of her
dearest treasure, in the rigid judge I should now behold the trembling
criminal.
_Enter_ TWITCH, _with_ ROVER _bound, who keeps his face
averted, and Two_ RUFFIANS.
_Eph._ [_Advances._] Speak thou.
_Sir Geo._ Hold thy clapper thou--Who are the prosecutors?
_Eph._ Call in--
_Sir Geo._ Will nobody stop his mouth? [JOHN DORY _pushes him up
against the wall_.] Where are the prosecutors?
_Twitch._ There, tell his worship, the justice.
_2d Ruffian._ A justice--Oh! the devil! I thought we should have
nothing but quakers to deal with. [_Aside._] Why, your honour, I'll
swear--[_In a feigned country voice._
_Sir Geo._ [_Looking at them._] Oh, ho! Clap down the hatches, secure
these sharks.
_Rover._ I thought I should find you here, Abrawang, and that you had
some knowledge of these fellows.
_Lady Am._ Heavens! my cousin Harry--[_Aside._]
_Sir Geo._ The devil! isn't this my spear and shield?
_John._ [_Advances._] My young master--Oh! what have you been at here?
[_Unbinds_ ROVER.]
_Enter_ HARRY.
_Harry._ My dear fellow, are you safe.
_Rover._ Yes, Dick, I was brought in here very safe, I assure you.
_Harry._ A confederate in custody below has made a confession of their
villainy, that they concerted this plan to accuse him of a robbery;
first for revenge, then, in hope to share the reward for apprehending
him: he also owns they are not sailors, but depredators on the public.
_Sir Geo._ Keep them safe in limbo. [_Ruffians taken off._]--Not
knowing that the justice of peace, whom they've brought the lad now
here before, is the very man they attacked, ha, ha, ha! The rogues
have fallen into their own snare.
_Rover._ What, now, you're a justice of peace; well said, Abrawang!
_Amelia._ Then, Sir George, you know him too?
_Sir Geo._ Know puppy unknown! to be sure.
_Rover._ Madam, I am happy to see you again. [_To_ AMELIA.]--Ah, how
do you do, my kind host? [_Shakes hands with_ BANKS.
_Lady Am._ I rejoice at thy safety--Be reconciled to him. [_To_ SIR
GEORGE.
_Sir Geo._ Reconciled!--If I don't love, respect, and honour him, I
should be unworthy of the life he rescued. But who is he?
_Harry._ Sir, he is--
_Rover._ Dick, I thank you for your good wishes; but I am still
determined not to impose on this lady--Madam, as I at first told this
well meaning tar, when he forced me to your house, I am not the son of
Sir George Thunder.
_John._ No! Then I wish you were the son of an admiral, and I your
father.
_Harry._ You refuse the lady? To punish you, I've a mind to take her
myself.--My dear cousin--
_Rover._ Stop, Dick.--If I, who adore her, won't, you shall not.
No, no; madam, never mind what this fellow says, he's as poor as
myself--Isn't he, Abrawang.
_Harry._ Then, my dear Rover, since you are so obstinately disinterested,
I'll no longer teize my father, whom you here see, and in your strolling
friend, his very truant Harry, that ran from Portsmouth school, and
joined you and fellow comedians.
_Rover._ Indeed!
_Harry._ Dear cousin, forgive me, if, through my zeal for the happiness
of my friend, I endeavoured to promote yours, by giving you a husband
more worthy than myself. [_To_ LADY AMARANTH.
_Rover._ Am I to believe! Madam, is your uncle, Sir George Thunder, in
this room?
_Lady Am._ He is.--[_Looking at_ SIR GEORGE.
_Rover._ 'Tis so! You, in reality, what I've had the impudence to
assume! and have perplexed your father with my ridiculous effrontery.
--[_Turns to_ JOHN DORY, _angry_.] I told you, I insisted I wasn't the
person you took me for, but you must bring your damned chariot! I am
ashamed and mortified. Madam, I beg to take my leave.
_Eph._ Thou art welcome to go.
_Rover._ [_Bows._] Sir George, as the father of my friend, I cannot
lift my hand against you; but I hope, sir, you'll apologize to me.
[_Apart._
_Sir Geo._ Ay, with pleasure, my noble splinter--now tell me from what
dock you were launched, my heart of oak?
_Rover._ I've heard, in England, sir; but from my earliest knowledge,
till within a very few years, I've been in the East Indies.
_Sir Geo._ Beyond seas? Well, and how?
_Rover._ It seems I was committed an infant to the care of a lady, who
was herself obliged by the _gentle_ Hyder Ally, to strike her toilet,
and decamp without beat of drum, leaving me a chubby little fellow
squatted on a carpet. A serjeant's wife alone returned, and snatched
me off triumphant, through fire, smoke, cannon, cries, and carnage.
_Lady Am._ Dost thou mark? [_To_ AMELIA.
_Amelia._ Sir, can you recollect the name of the town, where--
_Rover._ Yes, ma'am, the town was Negapatnam.
_Amelia._ I thank you, sir.
[_Gazes with delight and earnestness on_ ROVER.
_Rover._ An officer, who'd much rather act Hotspur on the stage,
than in the field, brought me up behind the scenes at the Calcutta
theatre--I was rolled on the boards, acted myself into the favour
of a colonel,--promised a pair of colours; but, impatient to find my
parents, hid myself in the steerage of an homeward bound ship; assumed
the name of Rover, from the uncertainty of my fate, and, having murdered
more poets than Rajahs, stept on English ground, unincumbered with
rupees or pagodas. Ha, ha! Wou'dst thou come home so, little Ephraim?
_Eph._ I would bring myself home with some money.
_Amelia._ Excuse my curiosity, sir; what was the lady's name in whose
care you were left?
_Rover._ Oh, ma'am, she was the lady of a Major Linstock: but I heard
my mother's name was Seymour.
_Sir Geo._ Why, Amelia!
_Amelia._ My son!
_Rover._ Madam!
_Amelia._ It is my Charles! [_Embraces him._
_Sir Geo._ Eh!
_John._ [_Sings and capers, claps_ EPHRAIM _on the shoulders_.] Tol,
lol, lol, though I never heard it before, my heart told me he was a
chip of the old block.
_Amelia._ Your father!--[_To_ ROVER, _pointing to_ SIR GEORGE.
_Rover._ Can it?--Heaven! then have I attempted to raise my impious
hand against a parent's life!
_Sir Geo._ My dear brave boy! Then have I a son with spirit to fight
me as a stranger, yet defend me as a father.
_Lady Am._ [_Takes him by the hand._] Uncle, you'll recollect 'twas I,
who first introduced a son to thee.
_Sir Geo._ And I hope you will next introduce a grandson to me, young
slyboots. Harry, you've lost your fortune.
_Harry._ Yes, sir, but I've gained a brother, whose friendship (before
I knew him to be such,) I prized above the first fortune in England.
_Rover._ My generous friend--My dearest Rosalind!
_Amelia._ Then, will you take our Charles? [_To_ L. AMARANTH.
_Lady Am._ Yea; but only on condition thou bestowest thy fortune on
his friend and brother, mine is sufficient for us, is it not?
_Rover._ Angelic creature!--to think of my generous friend--But now
for "As you like it." Where's Lamp and Trap--I shall ever love a
play--a spark from Shakspeare's Muse of Fire, was the star that guided
me through my desolate and bewildered maze of life, and brought me to
these unexpected blessings.
To merit friends so good, so sweet a wife,
The Tender Husband be my part for life;
My Wild Oats sown, let candid Thespian laws
Decree that glorious harvest,--your applause.
THE END.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
Contemporary spellings have been retained, even where inconsistent. In
a very few instances, missing punctuation has been added.
Two corrections were made to the text:
In Act I, Scene 1, "Ill" was changed to "I'll" in Jane's
sentence: "I'll tie your neck in a big beau".
In ACT I, Scene 2, a second, superfluous instance of the
word "my" was deleted from Rover's exclamation: "'Pon my
soul"