MISERY.
As all the bubbles in a glass shrink and vanish when the first
collapses, so the troop of fairy-like forms before me disintegrated, and
were gone. The delicate being, whose hand I held, fluttered as does a
mist in the first gust of a sudden gale, and then dissolved into
transparency. The gaily decked amphitheater disappeared, the very earth
cavern passed from existence, and I found myself standing solitary and
alone in a boundless desert. I turned towards every point of the compass
only to find that no visible object appeared to break the monotony. I
stood upon a floor of pure white sand which stretched to the horizon in
gentle wave-like undulations as if the swell of the ocean had been
caught, transformed to sand, and fixed.
I bent down and scooped a handful of the sand, and raised it in the palm
of my hand, letting it sift back again to earth; it was surely sand. I
pinched my flesh, and pulled my hair, I tore my garments, stamped upon
the sand, and shouted aloud to demonstrate that I myself was still
myself. It was real, yes, real. I stood alone in a desert of sand.
Morning was dawning, and on one side the great sun rose slowly and
majestically.
"Thank God for the sun," I cried. "Thank God for the light and heat of
the sun."
I was again on surface earth; once more I beheld that glorious orb for
the sight of which I had so often prayed when I believed myself
miserable in the dismal earth caverns, and which I had been willing to
give my very life once more to behold. I fell on my knees, and raised my
hands in thankfulness. I blessed the rising sun, the illimitable sand,
the air about me, and the blue heavens above. I blessed all that was
before me, and again and again returned thanks for my delivery from the
caverns beneath me. I did not think to question by what power this
miracle had been accomplished. I did not care to do so; had I thought
of the matter at all I would not have dared to question for fear the
transition might prove a delusion.
I turned towards the sun, and walked eastward. As the day progressed and
the sun rose into the heavens, I maintained my journey, aiming as best I
could to keep the same direction. The heat increased, and when the sun
reached the zenith it seemed as though it would melt the marrow in my
bones. The sand, as white as snow and hot as lava, dazzled my eyes, and
I covered them with my hands. The sun in the sky felt as if it were a
ball of white hot iron near my head. It seemed small, and yet appeared
to shine as through a tube directed only towards myself. Vainly did I
struggle to escape and get beyond its boundary, the tube seemed to
follow my every motion, directing the blazing shafts, and concentrating
them ever upon my defenseless person. I removed my outer garments, and
tore my shirt into fibers hoping to catch a waft of breeze, and with one
hand over my eyes, and the other holding my coat above my head,
endeavored to escape the mighty flood of heat, but vainly. The fiery
rays streamed through the garment as mercury flows through a film of
gauze. They penetrated my flesh, and vaporized my blood. My hands,
fingers, and arms puffed out as a bladder of air expands under the
influence of heat. My face swelled to twice, thrice its normal size, and
at last my eyes were closed, for my cheeks and eyebrows met. I rubbed my
shapeless hand over my sightless face, and found it as round as a ball;
the nose had become imbedded in the expanded flesh, and my ears had
disappeared in the same manner.
I could no longer see the sun, but felt the vivid, piercing rays I could
not evade. I do not know whether I walked or rolled along; I only know
that I struggled to escape those deadly rays. Then I prayed for death,
and in the same breath begged the powers that had transferred me to
surface earth to carry me back again to the caverns below. The
recollection of their cool, refreshing atmosphere was as the thought of
heaven must be to a lost spirit. I experienced the agony of a damned
soul, and now, in contradistinction to former times, considered as my
idea of perfect happiness the dismal earth caverns of other days. I
thought of the day I had stood at the mouth of the Kentucky cave, and
waded into the water with my guide; I recalled the refreshing coolness
of the stream in the darkness of that cavern when the last ray of
sunshine disappeared, and I cursed myself for longing then for sunshine,
and the surface earth. Fool that man is, I mentally cried, not to be
contented with that which is, however he may be situated, and wherever
he may be placed. This is but a retribution, I am being cursed for my
discontented mind, this is hell, and in comparison with this hell all
else on or in earth is happiness. Then I damned the sun, the earth, the
very God of all, and in my frenzy cursed everything that existed. I felt
my puffed limbs, and prayed that I might become lean again. I asked to
shrink to a skeleton, for seemingly my misery came with my expanded
form; but I prayed and cursed in vain. So I struggled on in agony, every
moment seemingly covering a multitude of years; struggled along like a
lost soul plodding in an endless expanse of ever-increasing,
ever-concentrating hell. At last, however, the day declined, the heat
decreased, and as it did so my distorted body gradually regained its
normal size, my eyesight returned, and finally I stood in that
wilderness of sand watching the great red sun sink into the earth, as in
the morning I had watched it rise. But between the sunrise and the
sunset there had been an eternity of suffering, and then, as if released
from a spell, I dropped exhausted upon the sand, and seemed to sleep. I
dreamed of the sun, and that an angel stood before me, and asked why I
was miserable, and in reply I pointed to the sun. "See," I said, "the
author of the misery of man."
Said the angel: "Were there no sun there would be no men, but were there
no men there would still be misery."
"Misery of what?" I asked.
"Misery of mind," replied the angel. "Misery is a thing, misery is not a
conception--pain is real, pain is not an impression. Misery and pain
would still exist and prey upon mind substance were there no men, for
mind also is real, and not a mere conception. The pain you have suffered
has not been the pain of matter, but the pain of spirit. Matter can not
suffer. Were it matter that suffered, the heated sand would writhe in
agony. No; it is only mind and spirit that experience pain, or pleasure,
and neither mind nor spirit can evade its destiny, even if it escape
from the body."
Then I awoke and saw once more the great red sun rise from the sand-edge
of my desolate world, and I became aware of a new pain, for now I
perceived the fact that I experienced the sense of thirst. The
conception of the impression drew my mind to the subject, and instantly
intense thirst, the most acute of bodily sufferings, possessed me. When
vitalized tissue craves water, other physical wants are unfelt; when man
parches to death all other methods of torture are disregarded. I thought
no longer of the rising sun, I remembered no more the burning sand of
yesterday, I felt only the pain of thirst.
"Water, water, water," I cried, and then in the distance as if in answer
to my cry, I beheld a lake of water.
Instantly every nerve was strained, every muscle stretched, and I fled
over the sands towards the welcome pool.
On and on I ran, and as I did so, the sun rising higher and higher,
again began to burn the sands beneath my feet, and roast the flesh upon
my bones. Once more I experienced that intolerable sense of pain, the
pain of living flesh disintegrating by fire, and now with thirst gnawing
at my vitals, and fire drying up the residue of my evaporated blood, I
struggled in agony towards a lake that vanished before my gaze, to
reappear just beyond.
This day was more horrible than the preceding, and yet it was the
reverse so far as the action of the sun on my flesh was concerned. My
prayer of yesterday had been fearfully answered, and the curses of the
day preceding were being visited upon my very self. I had prayed to
become lean, and instead of the former puffed tissue and expanded flesh,
my body contracted as does beef when dried. The tightening skin squeezed
upon the solidifying flesh, and as the moisture evaporated, it left a
shriveled integument, contracted close upon the bone. My joints stood
out as great protuberances, my skin turned to a dark amber color, and my
flesh became transparent as does wetted horn. I saw my very vitals
throb, I saw the empty blood vessels, the shriveled nerves and vacant
arteries of my frame. I could not close my eyes. I could not shield them
from the burning sun. I was a mummy, yet living, a dried corpse walking
over the sand, dead to all save pain. I tried to fall, but could not,
and I felt that, while the sun was visible, I must stand upright; I
could not stop, and could not stoop. Then at last the malevolent sun
sank beneath the horizon, and as the last ray disappeared again, I fell
upon the sand.
I did not sleep, I did not rest, I did not breathe nor live a human; I
only existed as a living pain, the conception of pain realized into a
conscious nucleus,--and so the night passed. Again the sun arose, and
with the light of her first ray I saw near at hand a caravan, camels,
men, horses, a great cavalcade. They approached rapidly and surrounded
me. The leader of the band alighted and raised me to my feet, for no
longer had I the power of motion. He spoke to me kindly, and strange as
it may seem to you, but not at all strange did it seem to me, called me
by name.
"We came across your tracks in the desert," he said; "we are your
deliverers."
I motioned for water; I could not speak.
"Yes," he said, "water you shall have."
Then from one of the skins that hung across the hump of a camel he
filled a crystal goblet with sparkling water, and held it towards me,
but just before the goblet touched my lips he withdrew it and said:
"I forgot to first extend the greetings of our people."
And then I noticed in his other hand a tiny glass containing a green
liquid, which he placed to my lips, pronouncing the single word,
"Drink."
I fastened my gaze upon the water, and opened my lips. I smelled the
aroma of the powerful narcotic liquid within the glass, and hastened to
obey, but glanced first at my deliverer, and in his stead saw the
familiar face of the satanic figure that twice before had tempted me.
Instantly, without a thought as to the consequences, without a fear as
to the result, I dashed the glass to the sand, and my voice returning, I
cried for the third time, "No; I will not drink."
The troop of camels instantly disappeared, as had the figures in the
scenes before, the tempter resolved into clear air, the sand beneath my
feet became natural again, and I became myself as I had been before
passing through the hideous ordeal. The fact of my deliverance from the
earth caverns had, I now realized, been followed by temporary aberration
of my mind, but at last I saw clearly again, the painful fancy had
passed, the delirium was over.
I fell upon my knees in thankfulness; the misery through which I had
passed had proven to be illusory, the earth caverns were beneath me, the
mirage and temptations were not real, the horrors I had experienced were
imaginary--thank God for all this--and that the sand was really sand.
Solitary, alone, I kneeled in the desert barren, from horizon to horizon
desolation only surrounded, and yet the scene of that illimitable waste,
a fearful reality, it is true, was sweet in comparison with the misery
of body and soul about which I had dreamed so vividly.
"'Tis no wonder," I said to myself, "that in the moment of transition
from the underground caverns to the sunshine above, the shock should
have disturbed my mental equilibrium, and in the moment of reaction I
should have dreamed fantastic and horrible imaginings."
A cool and refreshing breeze sprung now, from I know not where; I did
not care to ask; it was too welcome a gift to question, and contrasted
pleasantly with the misery of my past hallucination. The sun was shining
hot above me, the sand was glowing, parched beneath me, and yet the
grateful breeze fanned my brow, and refreshed my spirit.
"Thank God," I cried, "for the breeze, for the coolness that it brings;
only those who have experienced the silence of the cavern solitudes
through which I have passed, and added thereto, have sensed the horrors
of the more recent nightmare scenes, can appreciate the delights of a
gust of air."
The incongruity of surrounding conditions, as connected with affairs
rational, did not appeal at all to my questioning senses, it seemed as
though the cool breeze, coming from out the illimitable desolation of a
heated waste was natural. I arose and walked on, refreshed. From out
that breeze my physical self drew refreshment and strength.
"'Tis the cold," I said; "the blessed antithesis of heat, that supports
life. Heat enervates, cold stimulates; heat depresses, cold animates.
Thank God for breezes, winds, waters, cold."
I turned and faced the gladsome breeze. "'Tis the source of life, I will
trace it to its origin, I will leave the accursed desert, the hateful
sunshine, and seek the blissful regions that give birth to cool
breezes."
I walked rapidly, and the breeze became more energetic and cooler. With
each increase of momentum on my part, corresponding strength seemed to
be added to the breeze--both strength and coolness.
"Is not this delightful?" I murmured; "my God at last has come to be a
just God. Knowing what I wanted, He sent the breeze; in answer to my
prayer the cool, refreshing breeze arose. Damn the heat," I cried aloud,
as I thought of the horrid day before; "blessed be the cold," and as
though in answer to my cry the breeze stiffened and the cold
strengthened itself, and I again returned thanks to my Creator.
With ragged coat wrapped about my form I faced the breeze and strode
onward towards the home of the gelid wind that now dashed in gusts
against my person.
Then I heard my footstep crunch, and perceived that the sand was hard
beneath my feet; I stooped over to examine it and found it frozen.
Strange, I reflected, strange that dry sand can freeze, and then I
noticed, for the first time, that spurts of snow surrounded me, 'twas a
sleety mixture upon which I trod, a crust of snow and sand. A sense of
dread came suddenly over me, and instinctively I turned, affrighted, and
ran away from the wind, towards the desert behind me, back towards the
sun, which, cold and bleak, low in the horizon, was sinking. The sense
of dread grew upon me, and I shivered as I ran. With my back towards the
breeze I had blessed, I now fled towards the sinking sun I had cursed. I
stretched out my arms in supplication towards that orb, for from behind
overhanging blackness spread, and about me roared a fearful hurricane.
Vainly. As I thought in mockery the heartless sun disappeared before my
gaze, the hurricane surrounded me, and the wind about me became
intensely cold, and raved furiously. It seemed as though the sun had
fled from my presence, and with the disappearance of that orb, the
outline of the earth was blotted from existence. It was an awful
blackness, and the universe was now to me a blank. The cold strengthened
and froze my body to the marrow of my bones. First came the sting of
frost, then the pain of cold, then insensibility of flesh. My feet were
benumbed, my limbs motionless. I stood a statue, quiescent in the midst
of the roaring tempest. The earth, the sun, the heavens themselves, my
very person now had disappeared. Dead to the sense of pain or touch,
sightless, amid a blank, only the noise of the raging winds was to me a
reality. And as the creaking frost reached my brain and congealed it,
the sound of the tempest ceased, and then devoid of physical senses, my
quickened intellect, enslaved, remained imprisoned in the frozen form it
could not leave, and yet could no longer control.
Reflection after reflection passed through that incarcerated thought
entity, and as I meditated, the heinous mistakes I had committed in the
life that had passed, arose to torment. God had answered my
supplications, successively I had experienced the hollowness of earthly
pleasures, and had left each lesson unheeded. Had I not alternately
begged for and then cursed each gift of God? Had I not prayed for heat,
cold, light, and darkness, and anathematized each? Had I not, when in
perfect silence, prayed for sound; in sheltered caverns, prayed for
winds and storms; in the very corridors of heaven, and in the presence
of Etidorhpa, had I not sought for joys beyond?
Had I not found each pleasure of life a mockery, and notwithstanding
each bitter lesson, still pursued my headstrong course, alternately
blessing and cursing my Creator, and then myself, until now, amid a
howling waste, in perfect darkness, my conscious intellect was bound to
the frozen, rigid semblance of a body? All about me was dead and dark,
all within was still and cold, only my quickened intellect remained as
in every corpse the self-conscious intellect must remain, while the body
has a mortal form, for death of body is not attended by the immediate
liberation of mind. The consciousness of the dead man is still acute,
and he who thinks the dead are mindless, will realize his fearful error
when devoid of motion he lies a corpse, conscious of all that passes on
around him, waiting the liberation that can only come by disintegration
and destruction of the flesh.
So, unconscious of pain, unconscious of any physical sense, I existed on
and on, enthralled, age after age passed and piled upon one another, for
time was to me unchangeable, no more an entity. I now prayed for change
of any kind, and envied the very devils in hell their pleasures, for
were they not gifted with the power of motion, could they not hear, and
see, and realize the pains they suffered? I prayed for death--death
absolute, death eternal. Then, at last, the darkness seemed to lessen,
and I saw the frozen earth beneath, the monstrous crags of ice above,
the raging tempest about, for I now had learned by reflection to
perceive by pure intellect, to see by the light within. My body, solid
as stone, was fixed and preserved in a waste of ice. The world was
frozen. I perceived that the sun, and moon, and stars, nearly stilled,
dim and motionless, had paled in the cold depths of space. The universe
itself was freezing, and amid the desolation only my deserted intellect
remained. Age after age had passed, aeons of ages had fled, nation after
nation had grown and perished, and in the uncounted epochs behind,
humanity had disappeared. Unable to free itself from the frozen body, my
own intellect remained the solitary spectator of the dead silence about.
At last, beneath my vision, the moon disappeared, the stars faded one by
one, and then I watched the sun grow dim, until at length only a milky,
gauze-like film remained to indicate her face, and then--vacancy. I had
lived the universe away. And in perfect darkness the living intellect,
conscious of all that had transpired in the ages past, clung still
enthralled to the body of the frozen mortal. I thought of my record in
the distant past, of the temptations I had undergone, and called myself
a fool, for, had I listened to the tempter, I could at least have
suffered, I could have had companionship even though it were of the
devils--in hell. I lived my life over and over, times without number; I
thought of my tempters, of the offered cups, and thinking, argued with
myself:
"No," I said; "no, I had made the promise, I have faith in Etidorhpa,
and were it to do over again I would not drink."
Then, as this thought sped from me, the ice scene dissolved, the
enveloped frozen form of myself faded from view, the sand shrunk into
nothingness, and with my natural body, and in normal condition, I found
myself back in the earth cavern, on my knees, beside the curious
inverted fungus, of which fruit I had eaten in obedience to my guide's
directions. Before me the familiar figure of my guide stood, with folded
arms, and as my gaze fell upon him he reached out his hand and raised me
to my feet.
"Where have you been during the wretched epochs that have passed since I
last saw you?" I asked.
"I have been here," he replied, "and you have been there."
"You lie, you villainous sorcerer," I cried; "you lie again as you have
lied to me before. I followed you to the edge of demon land, to the
caverns of the drunkards, and then you deserted me. Since last we met I
have spent a million, billion years of agony inexpressible, and have had
that agony made doubly horrible by contrast with the thought, yes, the
very sight and touch of Heaven. I passed into a double eternity, and
have experienced the ecstacies of the blessed, and suffered the torments
of the damned, and now you dare boldly tell me that I have been here,
and that you have been there, since last I saw you stand by this cursed
fungus bowl."
"Yes," he said, taking no offense at my violence; "yes, neither of us
has left this spot; you have sipped of the drink of an earth-damned
drunkard, you have experienced part of the curses of intemperance, the
delirium of narcotics. Thousands of men on earth, in their drunken
hallucination, have gone through hotter hells than you have seen; your
dream has not exaggerated the sufferings of those who sup of the
delirium of intemperance."
And then he continued:
"Let me tell you of man's conception of eternity."