[Illustration]
"Courtship," according to Sterne, "consists in a number of quiet
attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be
understood."
In this little quotation lies the spirit and the letter of all
etiquette regarding courtship. The passion of love generally appearing
to everyone save the man who feels it, so entirely disproportionate to
the value of the object, so impossible to be entered into by any
outside individual, that any strong expressions of it appear
ridiculous to a third person. For this reason it is that all
extravagance of feeling should be carefully repressed as an offense
against good breeding.
Man was made for woman, and woman equally for man. How shall they
treat each other? How shall they come to understand their mutual
relations and duties? It is lofty work to write upon this subject what
ought to be written. Mistakes, fatal blunders, hearts and lives
wrecked, homes turned into bear-gardens, tears, miseries, blasted
hopes, awful tragedies--can you name the one most prolific cause of
all these?
If our young people were taught what they ought to know--if it were
told them from infancy up--if it were drilled into them and they were
made to understand what now is all a mystery to them--a dark, vague,
unriddled mystery--hearts would be happier, homes would be brighter,
lives would be worth living and the world would be better.
[Illustration:
"GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT! PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW,
THAT I SHALL SAY GOOD NIGHT TILL IT BE MORROW."]
[Illustration: A POLITE ESCORT.]
This is now the matter--matter grave and serious enough--which we have
in hand. There are gems of wisdom founded on health, morality,
happiness, which should be put within reach of every household in our
whole broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject.
People are squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with
their lips what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies
when he formed them. It is time such nonsense--nonsense shall we
say?--rather say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed
by the sober common sense and moral duty of universal society.
Courtship! Its theme, how delightful! Its memories and associations,
how charming! Its luxuries the most luxurious proffered to mortals!
Its results how far reaching, and momentous! No mere lover's fleeting
bauble, but life's very greatest work! None are equally portentous,
for good and evil.
Errors of Love-Making.
God's provisions for man's happiness are boundless and endless. How
great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing! How much greater
those of mind! Yet a right love surpasses them all; and can render us
all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict; and a wrong more
miserable.
Right love-making is more important than right selection; because it
affects conjugal life for the most. Men and women need knowledge
concerning it more than touching anything else. Their fatal errors
show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married
discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is
proved by love usually declining; while adaptation remains the same.
Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more
concordants, still more those already in love; which only some serious
causes can rupture. The whole power of this love element is enlisted
in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both. As nature's
health provisions are so perfect that only its great and
long-continued outrage can break it; so her conjugal are so numerous
and perfect that but for outrageous violation of her love laws all who
once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy
every day.
Any man who can begin to elicit any woman's love, can perfectly
infatuate her more and more, solely by courting her right; and all
women who once start a man's love--no very difficult achievement--can
get out of him, and do with him, anything possible she pleases. The
charming and fascinating power of serpents over birds is as nothing
compared with that a woman can wield over a man, and he over her.
Ladies, recall your love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly
spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what
alacrity he sprang to indulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and
do exactly as you desired! If you had only courted him just right, he
would have continued to grow still more so till now. This is equally
true of a man's power over every woman who once begins to love him.
What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand?
How to Carry on Courtship.
Intuition, our own selfhood, is nature's highest teacher, and
infallible; and tells all, by her "still, small voice within," whether
and just wherein they are making love right or wrong. Every false step
forewarns all against itself; and great is their fall who stumble.
Courtship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept
inviolate.
Then throw yourself, O courting youth, upon your own interior sense of
propriety and right, as to both the beginning and conducting of
courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have no
fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect
assurance of their happy eventuality!
"What can I do or omit to advance my suit? prevent dismissal? make my
very best impression? guarantee acceptance? touch my idol's heart?
court just right?" This is what all true courters say.
Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You
inspire in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you
yourself experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in
either awakens itself in the other. This is just as sure as gravity
itself. Hence your success must come from _within_, depends upon
yourself, not the one courted.
Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one
courted, and humor and adapt yourself to them.
Be extra careful not to prejudice him or her against you by awakening
any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other's resistance
against you, antagonizes all the other faculties, and proportionally
turns love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all
the other feelings, to your injury; what delights it, turns them in
your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes
human nature; which lovers will do right well to study. To give an
illustration:
A Case to the Point.
An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman
eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two
young rivals, each having more points in their favor, and came to his
final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they
could "cut him out" by showing her that he was poor; she till then
thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved
his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made "_his_ cake
dough," leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed
himself right to her _affections_, saying little about money matters,
but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they
were strangers; and left his suit right on this one point; adding:
"You know I can make money; know how intensely I esteem, admire,
idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater affection, with my
earnings, do more for you than they with more money, but less love?"
Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said
"yes." He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much
greater availability.
Manifesting the domestic affections and virtues, a warm, gushing
friendly nature, fondness for children and home, inspires a man's love
most of all, while evincing talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman.
Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make
your own matches, and let others make theirs; especially if you have
bungled your own. One _such_ bungle is one too many.
The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is "fore-ordained" by
themselves, its only rightful umpires, which all right-minded
outsiders will try to promote, not prevent. How despicable to separate
husbands and wives! Yet is not parting those married by a
love-_spirit_, equally so? Its mere legal form can but increase its
validity, not create it. Marriage is a divine institution, and
consists in their own personal betrothal. Hence breaking up a true
love-union before its legal consummation, is just as bad as parting
loving husband and wife; which is monstrous. All lovers who allow it
are its wicked partakers.
Choice of Associates.
The first point to be considered on this subject is a careful choice
of associates, which will often, in the end, save future unhappiness
and discomfort, since, as Goldsmith so truthfully puts it, "Love is
often an involuntary passion placed upon our companions without our
consent, and frequently conferred without even our previous esteem."
This last most unhappy state of affairs may, to a great extent, be
avoided by this careful choosing of companions. Especially is this
true on the part of the lady, since, from the nature and constitution
of society, an unsuitable acquaintance, friendship, or alliance, is
more embarrassing and more painful for the woman than the man. As in
single life an undesirable acquaintance is more derogatory to a woman
than to a man, so in married life, the woman it is who ventures most,
"for," as Jeremy Taylor writes, "she hath no sanctuary in which to
retire from an evil husband; she may complain to God as do the
subjects of tyrants and princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in
the causes of unkindness."
First Steps.
To a man who has become fascinated with some womanly ideal, we would
say, if the acquaintanceship be very recent, and he, as yet, a
stranger to her relatives, that he should first consider in detail his
position and prospects in life, and judge whether or not they are such
as would justify him in striving to win the lady's affections, and
later on her hand in marriage. Assured upon this point, and let no
young man think that a fortune is necessary for the wooing of any
woman worth the winning, let him then gain the needful introductions
through some mutual friend to her parents or guardians.
If, on the other hand, it is a long acquaintance that has ripened into
admiration, this latter formality will be unnecessary.
As to the lady, her position is negative to a great extent. Yet it is
to be presumed that her preferences, though unexpressed, are decided,
and, if the attentions of a gentleman are agreeable, her manners will
be apt to indicate, in some degree, the state of her mind.
Prudence, however, does, or should, warn her not to accept too marked
attentions from a man of whose past life she knows nothing, and of
whose present circumstances she is equally ignorant.
Character.
There is one paramount consideration too often overlooked and too late
bewailed in many a ruined home, and that is the character of the man
who seeks to win a woman's hand. Parents and guardians cannot be too
careful in this regard, and young women themselves should, by refusing
such associates, avoid all danger of contracting such ties. Wealth,
nor family rank, nor genius, availeth aught if the character of the
man be flawed.
Let parents teach their daughters and let girls understand for
themselves that happiness, or peace, in married life is impossible
where a man is, in any wise, dissipated, or liable to be overcome by
any of the fashionable vices of the day. Better go down to your grave
a "forlorn spinster" than marry such a man.
Disposition.
As to temper or disposition, the man or woman can easily gain some
insight into the respective peculiarities of another's temperament by
a little quiet observation. If the gentleman be courteous and careful
in his attentions to his mother and sisters, and behave with ease and
consideration toward all women, irrespective of age, rank, or present
condition, she may feel that her first estimate was a correct one. On
the other hand, should he show disrespect toward women as a class,
sneer at sacred things, evince an inclination for expensive pleasures
in advance of his means, or for low amusements or companionship; be
cruel to the horse he drives, or display an absence of all energy in
his business pursuits, then is it time to gently, but firmly, repel
all nearer advances on his part.
As to the gentleman, it will be well for him also to watch carefully
as to the disposition of the lady and her conduct in her own family.
If she be attentive and respectful to her parents, kind and
affectionate toward her brothers and sisters, not easily ruffled in
temper and with inclination to enjoy the pleasures of home; cheerful,
hopeful and charitable in disposition, then may he feel, indeed, that
he has a prize before him well worth the winning.
If, however, she should display a strong inclination towards
affectation and flirtation; be extremely showy or else careless in her
attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may
rightly conclude that very little home happiness is to be expected
from her companionship.
Trifling.
A true gentleman will never confine his attentions exclusively to one
lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to
all manner of conjecture, lays an embargo on the formation of other
acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her happiness, and by
after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortification.
Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in honor bound to
make his attentions to ladies as general as possible.
Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the man who insinuates
himself into the affections of a young girl by every protestation and
avowal possible, save that which would be binding upon himself, and
then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he
has not committed himself.
Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on
a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure
of refusing him and thus adding one more name to her list of rejected
proposals, is utterly unworthy the name of woman.
Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts.
On the question of gifts there is a point of etiquette to be observed.
Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits,
flowers, or confections; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small
fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, are supposed, in all
probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation
resting upon the lady.
Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical
composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with
perfect propriety, say, "I wish that you could see such or such a work
and, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy." It
is then optional with the lady to accept or refuse.
Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no
secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in the
presence of her father and mother, "I am very much obliged to you for
that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to offer me
the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or Mamma does
not object." If the lady is positive in her objections to receiving
gifts, it is easy to say, "I thank you for the kindness but I never
take expensive presents;" or, "Mamma never permits me to accept
expensive presents." These refusals are always to be taken by the
gentleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted,
it is perfectly proper for the mother to return it with thanks,
saying, "I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive
gifts."
After an engagement is formally made the etiquette of gifts is
somewhat altered, though even then expensive presents, unless it be
the engagement ring, are not in the best taste. These should be
reserved for the marriage gifts.
Proposals of Marriage.
The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature
that each man must be a law unto himself in the matter, and time and
opportunity will be his only guides to success, unless, mayhap, his
lady-love be the braver of the two and help him gently over the
hardest part, for there be men and men; some who brook not "no" for an
answer, and some that a moment's hesitation on the part of the one
sought would seal their lips forever.
A woman must always remember that a proposal of marriage is the
highest honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must refuse it, to
do so in such fashion as to spare his feelings as much as possible. If
she be a true and well-bred woman, both proposal and refusal will be
kept a profound secret from every one save her parents. It is the
least balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has
chosen her from out all women to bear his name and to reign in his
home. A wise woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to
the point of a declaration, and, by her actions and her prompt
acceptance of the attentions of others, should strive to show the true
state of her feelings.
A gentleman should usually take "no" for an answer unless he be of so
persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by
siege; or unless the "no" was so undecided in its tone as to give some
hope of finding true the poet's words:
"He gave them but one tongue to say us, 'Nay,'
And two fond eyes to grant."
On the gentleman's part, a decided refusal should be received as
calmly as possible, and his resolve should be in no way to annoy the
cause of all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the
origin of the refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press
his suit once more; but if an avowed or evident preference for
another be the reason, it becomes imperative that he should at once
withdraw from the field. Any reason that the lady may, in her
compassion, see fit to give him as cause for her refusal, should ever
remain his inviolable secret.
[Illustration: SOCIAL PASTIME ON RETURN VOYAGE.]
[Illustration: DECLINED WITH REGRETS.]
As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At
engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should
be only intellectual, not affectional. You are yet more acquaintances
than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noonday
brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms _gradually_, and as summer
"lingers in the lap of spring;" so marriage should dally in the lap of
courtship. Nature's adolescence of love should never be crowded into a
premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is; yet
to establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given
it; so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon
cloys, then disgusts.
Unbecoming Haste.
Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which involuntarily
shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is
sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of
marriage.
Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy
the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The
pleasures of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too
great to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or
diminishing them redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundredfold
more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything
else whatever. A lady, asked why she didn't marry, since she had so
many making love to her, replied: "Because being courted is too great
a luxury to be spoilt by marrying."
No man should wait to make his pile. Two must _acquire_ a competence
conjointly, in order fully to really _enjoy_ it together. This alone
can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces.
A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man's selection and
decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canvass their mutual
adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory;
yet a final test and consummation now become necessary, both to bring
this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or
waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides;
including any improvements possible in either.
How to Deal with Objections.
The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and
real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A
verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future
reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this
its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is
most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when
alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than
verbally, perhaps, when excited. Those same primal reasons for
reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to
marriage.
You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true human nature
always appears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less
brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything.
All needed to appear well is to _feel_ right, and express naturally
what is felt. Saying plainly what you have to say, is all required.
The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any
contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be
obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both
may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time
to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting
both in each other's eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations are
still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or
conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretending to give
model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying
circumstances will vary each _ad infinitum_, the following may serve
as samples from which to work:
"MUCH ESTEEMED FRIEND: As we have agreed to canvass our
mutual adaptations for marriage, and my own mind is fully
made up, a final decision now becomes necessary.
"What I have learned of and from you confirms that high
opinion of you which prompted my selection of you, and
inspires a desire to consummate it. Your pleasing manner and
mode of saying and doing things; your intelligence, taste,
prudence, kindness, and many other excellencies, inspire my
highest admiration.
"Will you let me love what I so much admire?
"But my affections are sacred. I can bestow them only on one
who _reciprocates_ them; will bestow them upon you, if you
will bestow yours on me; not otherwise; for only _mutual_
love can render either happy. I can and will love you alone,
with all my heart, provided you can and will love only me,
with all of yours. Do you accord me this privilege, on this
condition, for life, forever? I crave to make you my wife;
to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being,
with honest, assiduous toil, fidelity to business, what
talents I possess, and all I can do to contribute to your
creature comforts. Do you accord me this privilege, on this
condition? May I enshrine you as queen of my life?
"Say wherein you find me faulty, or capable of improvement
in your eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my
conscience, to render myself worthy and acceptable to you.
"I wish some things were different in you--that you had
better health, arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more
about keeping house, etc.; yet these minor matters sink into
insignificance in comparison with your many excellences, and
especially that whole-souled affection obviously inherent in
you.
"Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in
order to decide judiciously, you require to know more of me,
ask me, or ---- and ----. Please reply as soon as you can
well decide.
"Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly
and wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered
affection, say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of
our marriage. Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and
hope ever to remain,
"Yours truly,
"A.B."
A true woman could give a better answer than the following, which does
not claim to be a model. It is hardly time yet for a gushing
love-letter, or we would not profane this sacred subject by making the
attempt; yet should like to receive one in spirit somewhat as follows:
"DEAR SIR: Your proffer of your hand and heart in marriage
has been duly received, and its important contents fully
considered.
"I accept your offer: and on its only condition, that I
_reciprocate your love_, which I do completely; and hereby
both offer my own hand and heart in return, and consecrate
my entire being, soul and body, all I am and can become, to
you alone; both according you the 'privilege' you crave of
loving me, and 'craving' a like one in return.
"Thank Heaven that this matter is settled; that you are in
very deed mine, while I am yours, to love and be loved by,
live and be lived with and for; and that my gushing
affections have a final resting-place on one every way so
worthy of the fullest reciprocal sympathy and trust.
"The preliminaries of our marriage we will arrange whenever
we meet, which I hope may be soon. But whether sooner or
later, or you are present or absent, I now consider myself
as wholly yours, and you all mine; and both give and take
the fullest privilege of cherishing and expressing for you
that whole-souled love I find even now gushing up and
calling for expression. Fondly hoping to hear from and see
you soon and often, I remain wholly yours forever,
"C.D."
Sealing the Vow.
The vow and its tangible witnesses come next. All agreements require
to be attested; and this as much more than others as it is the most
obligatory. Both need its unequivocal and mutual mementos, to be
cherished for all time to come as its perpetual witnesses. This vow of
each to the other can neither be made too strong, nor held too sacred.
If calling God to witness will strengthen your mutual adjuration,
swear by Him and His throne, or by whatever else will render it
inviolable, and commit it to writing, each transcribing a copy for the
other as your most sacred relics, to be enshrined in your "holy of
holies."
Two witnesses are required, one for each. A ring for her and locket
for him, containing the likeness of both, as always showing how they
now look, or any keepsake both may select, more or less valuable, to
be handed down to their posterity, will answer.
Your mode of conducting your future affairs should now be arranged.
Though implied in selection, yet it must be specified in detail. Both
should arrange your marriage relations; say what each desires to do,
and have done; and draw out a definite outline plan of the various
positions you desire to maintain towards each other. Your future home
must be discussed: whether you will board, or live in your own house,
rented, or owned, or built, and after what pattern; or with either or
which of your parents. And it is vastly important that wives determine
most as to their domiciles; their internal arrangements, rooms,
furniture, management; respecting which they are consulted quite too
little, yet cannot well be too much.
Family rules, as well as national, state, corporate, financial, must
be established. They are most needed, yet least practiced in marriage.
Without them, all must be chaotic. Ignoring them is a great but common
marital error. The Friends wisely make family method cardinal.
A Full Understanding.
Your general treatment of each other now especially requires to be
mutually agreed upon. Each should say, "I should like to treat and be
treated by you thus, but not so; and let you do this but not that;"
and both mutually agree on a thousand like minor points, better
definitely arranged at first than left for future contention; each
making requisitions, conceding privileges, and stipulating for any
fancies, idols, or "reserved rights."
Differences must needs arise, which cannot be adjusted too soon. Those
constitutionally inherent in each should be adjusted in love's _early_
stages; it matters less how, than whether to your mutual satisfaction.
Or if this is impossible, "agree to disagree;" but settle on
something.
A concessionary spirit is indispensable, and inheres in love. Neither
should insist, but both concede, in all things; each making, not
demanding sacrifices. The one who loves most will yield to oblige
most. What course will make both happiest should overrule all your
mutual relations.
Write down and file all. Your present decisions, subject to mutual
changes and amendments, will become more and more important for future
reference, as time rolls on, by enabling each to correct both; for our
own changes make us think others have changed. A mutual diary is
desirable; for incidents now seemingly trivial, may yet become
important.
Important Trifles.
See or correspond with each other often. Love will not bear neglect.
Nothing kills it equally. In this it is most exacting. It will not,
should not, be second in anything. "First or nothing," is its motto.
Meet as often as possible. After its fires have once been lit, they
must be perpetually resupplied with their natural fuel; else they die
down, go out, or go elsewhere; and are harder to rekindle than to
light at first.
A splendid young man, son of one of New England's most talented and
pious divines, endowed with one of the very best of organisms,
physical and phrenological, having selected his mate, and plighted
their mutual vows, being the business manager of a large manufactory,
and obliged to defend several consecutive lawsuits for patent-right
infringements, neglected for weeks to write to his betrothed,
presupposing, of course, that all was right. This offended her
ladyship, and allowed evil-minded meddlers to sow seeds of alienation
in her mind; persuade her to send him his dismissal, and accept a
marriage proposal from another.
As he told his mournful story, he seemed like a sturdy oak riven by
lightning and torn by whirlwinds; its foliage scorched, bark stripped,
limbs tattered, even its very rootlets scathed; yet standing, a stern,
proud, defiant, resolute wreck. A gushing tear he manfully tried but
failed to suppress. His lips quivered and voice faltered. Perceiving
his impending fate, he seemed to dread his future more than present;
and hesitated between self-abandonment, and a merely mechanical,
objectless, business life. In attempting his salvation, by proffering
advice to the "broken-hearted," he respectfully but firmly declined;
deliberately preferring old-bachelorship, with all its dearths, of
which he seemed fully conscious. He felt as if he had been deeply
wronged.
Yet was not he the _first_ practically to repudiate? He suffered
terribly, because he had sinned grievously, not by commission, but
omission. He felt the deepest, fullest, manliest love, and revelled in
anticipations of their future union, but did not _express_ it; which
was to her as if he had not felt it; whereas, had he saved but one
minute per week to write lovingly, "I long to be with you, and love
you still," or, "Business does not, cannot diminish my fondness," he
would have saved her broken vows, and his broken heart.
Mingling other enjoyments with love, by going together to picnics and
parties, sleigh-rides and Mayings, concerts, and lectures,
marvellously cements the affections.
Love Feeds on Love.
Meet in your most attractive habiliments of mind and person. French
ladies will see their affianced only when arrayed in their best
toilet. Yet mental charms vastly surpass millinery. Neither can render
yourselves too lovely.
Express affectionate fondness in your visits and letters; the more the
better, so that you keep it a sentiment, not debase it by animal
passion. It is still establishing its rootlets, like young corn,
instead of growing. Allow no amatory excitement, no frenzied,
delirious intoxication with it; for its violence, like every other,
must react only to exhaust and paralyze itself by its own excesses.
Affianced young man, life has its epochs, which revolutionize it for
good or bad. You are now in one. You have heretofore affiliated much
with men; formed habits of smoking or chewing tobacco; indulged in
late suppers; abused yourself in various ways; perhaps been on sprees.
Now is your time to take a new departure from whatever is evil to all
that is good and pure. Break up most of your masculine associations;
and affiliate chiefly with your affianced. Be out no more nights. Let
your new responsibilities and relations brace you up against their
temptations; and, if these are not sufficient, your prospective spouse
will help. No other aid in resisting temptation and inspiring to good
equals that of a loving, loved woman.
Break off from your cronyisms, clubs, societies, all engagements
except such as mean imperative, cold-blooded business. Your new ties
furnish an excellent excuse. All your spare time and small change are
wanted for _her_. To give to bad habits the time and money due to her
and setting up in life, is outrageous. Bend everything to your new
relations, them to nothing. Now's your time to turn over a new leaf,
and turn all the angles, corners and right-about faces needed.
Affianced maiden, you have some departures to take and corners to
turn. Your life has till now been frivolous, but has now become
serious. You have no more need of toilet fineries; for "your market is
made," and you have work on hand far more important, namely, fitting
yourself for your new duties. Find out what they demand of you, and
set right about making a premium wife and mother. Both begin life
anew. Forgetting the past, plant and sow now what you would gather and
become always.
The Best of all Possessions.
Woman is man's choicest treasure. That is the most precious which
confers the most happiness. She is adapted to render him incomparably
happier than any other terrestrial possession. He can enjoy luscious
peaches, melting pears, crack horses, dollars and other things
innumerable; but a well-sexed man can enjoy woman most of all. He is
poor indeed, and takes little pleasure in this life, be his
possessions and social position what they may, who takes no pleasure
with her. All description utterly fails to express the varied and
exultant enjoyments God has engrafted into a right sexual state. Only
few experiences can attest how many and great, from infancy to death,
and throughout eternity itself. All God could do He has done to render
each sex superlatively happy in the other. Of all his beautiful and
perfect work, this is the most beautiful and perfect. Of all his
benignant devices, this is his most benign. All the divine attributes,
all human happiness, converge in male and female adaptations to mutual
enjoyments.
Each is correspondingly precious to the other. Man should prize many
things, yet woman is his pearl of greatest price. He should preserve,
cherish, husband many life possessions, but woman the most. He has
many jewels in his crown of glory, but she is his gem-jewel, his
diadem. What masculine luxury equals making women in general, and the
loved one in particular, happy?
The Source of Miseries.
Beginning and conducting courtship as this chapter directs, avoiding
the errors and following the directions it specifies, will just as
surely render all superlatively happy as sun will rise to-morrow. Scan
their sense. Do they not expound nature's love-initiating and
consummating ordinances? Are they not worthy of being put into
practice? Discordants, can you not trace many of your antagonisms and
miseries to their ignorant violation? Parents, what are they worth to
put into your children's hands, to forewarn them against carelessly,
ignorantly, spoiling their marriage? Young ladies, what are they worth
to you, as showing you how to so treat your admirers as to gain and
redouble their heart's devotion? Young men, what are these warnings
and teachings worth to you? God in his natural laws will bless all who
practice, curse all who violate them.
The conduct during engagement on the part of the gentleman should be
marked by the utmost courtesy toward and confidence in the woman of
his choice; a state of feeling which she should fully reciprocate.
In public their behavior toward one another should not be markedly
different from that displayed by them toward other men and women of
their acquaintance; save that the bridegroom-elect should be on the
watch that not the slightest wish of the lady be unfulfilled.
As for the lady, while she is not expected to debar herself from
accepting the customary courtesies extended by the gentlemen of her
acquaintance, a slight reserve should mark her conduct in accepting
them. At all places of amusement or entertainment she should appear
either in the company of her _fiance_, or that of some relative.
She should never captiously take offense at her _fiance's_ showing the
same attention to other ladies that she, in her turn, is willing to
accept from other gentlemen, and she should take the same pains to
please his taste in trifles that he does to gratify her slightest
wish.
This does not mean, though, that in the selfishness and blindness of
love--and love is very blind and selfish sometimes--she is to shut
herself up to his companionship at all times, excluding him from the
family circle of which he is so soon to become a member, and "pairing
off" on all occasions, thus rendering both the mark for silly
jestings.
How to Cherish Love.
But, in sober matter-of-fact, that little ring of gold does not mean
utter blindness. It does not mean that she is to devote her evenings
exclusively to the chosen one, ignoring her family entirely. It does
not mean that she is to accept valuable presents of all kinds at his
hands, to expect him to give up all his friends for her sake, nor to
confide all the secrets of the household to his keeping, but, as one
wise woman says, to "guard herself in word and deed; hold his love in
the best way possible; tie it firmly with the blue ribbon of hope, and
never let it be eaten away by the little fox who destroys so many
loving ties, and who is called familiarity."
Neither is this counsel to be deemed over-cautious, since, alas! even
"engagements" are sometimes broken in this uncertain world, and surely
there is no womanly woman that would not in such an event reflect
gladly, as she took up her life once more at the old point, that she
had remembered these things.
A domineering, jealous disposition on either side before marriage is
not the best possible guarantee for after happiness, and if these
traits are clearly shown during an engagement, the individual who
escapes from such thraldom before it is too late has shown
conclusively that discretion which is, at times, the better part of
valor.
Conduct Toward Parents.
The gentleman should exercise some tact in regard to his conduct
toward the family of his betrothed. Marked attention should be shown
toward the lady's mother. He should accommodate himself as much as
possible to the wishes, habits and ways of the household, and not
being, as yet, a member of the family, he should not presume to show
an intrusive familiarity of conversation.
The lady, on her part, should strive to show consideration,
friendliness, and a desire to please the parents of her
husband-that-is-to-be. Thus both will unite in the endeavor to
overcome that loving jealousy so natural on the part of those who see
the claims of another grown paramount in the heart of one of their
number, and feel that these new links are fast becoming stronger than
ties of blood and relationship.
The respective families should meet these advances with all kindness,
and should also endeavor, in view of the new union pending between
them, to make, if this be necessary, one another's acquaintance as
soon as convenient.
Length of Engagements.
Engagements should not be entered upon prematurely, a certain degree
of acquaintanceship proving no mean preparation for an arrangement of
this nature. But when an engagement is once formed it should not, in
the majority of cases, be of an undue length. This is a matter to be
settled by the wishes or the circumstances of the contracting parties.
It is oftimes the measure of wisdom, where the obstacle is lack of
fortune, to risk some degree of deprivation, rather than submit to a
long-protracted engagement; the man, as head of the new home, finding
a fresh motive for ambitious striving, and both parties being
preserved from that coolness of feeling too attendant upon years of
waiting. No homes are happier than those constructed on the principle
of economy and patient effort.
Broken Engagements.
Not unfrequently does it occur that circumstances arise that render
the dissolution of an engagement inevitable, and, as such a course,
unless mutual, of necessity involves an injury to the feelings of one
party, great care and delicacy should be employed in approaching the
subject.
If the occasion should arise on the lady's side, it must be remembered
that she is not bound to declare any other reason than her own sweet
will. It is better, however, for reasons to be frankly given, that the
step may not be attributed to mere caprice on her part. On the side of
the man the reasons must be strong, indeed, that can justify him in
breaking a solemn engagement sought of his own free will, and urged by
him upon the object of his choice. By thus releasing himself he not
unfrequently leaves the lady in an embarrassing position before the
public, not to mention the possible injury that may be inflicted upon
the deepest feelings of her heart.
If the cause should arise from any fault on the part of the lady, a
man of honor will ever preserve the strictest silence on the subject.
If from sudden failure in his own fortunes he should feel himself in
duty bound to relinquish his hope of present happiness lest he
selfishly drag another down to penury, let the reason be carefully and
clearly explained.
At the conclusion of an engagement let every gift, including the
engagement ring, and all photographs and letters that have been
exchanged between the two, be promptly returned by each that as little
as possible may remain to remind of the days that are done. It is
especially a point of honor on the gentleman's part to retain nothing
that the lady may have given, or written, him.
Etiquette of Married Life.
Marriage, to the elect, may be fitly termed a state of grace, but
without a close observance of all the courtesies that tend to uplift
everyday life in some degree above the narrowness of mere existence
it may but too easily become what the old cynic declared it to be when
he wrote, "Marriage is a feast in which the grace is sometimes better
than the dinner."
Mutual confidence and mutual respect are the two principal factors in
the case. Without these there can be none of that harmony so necessary
to happiness in the state matrimonial. And not only this, but they
should strive to be mutually entertaining.
The pains they took during their engagement to be agreeable to one
another at a time when they were by no means entirely dependent upon
themselves for companionship, would surely not be amiss in rendering
pleasant the years, and it may be decades of years, during which they
must be to a great extent dependent upon each other for entertainment.
The young man who spent so much time at the home of a certain lady
that he was finally asked why, if he was in love with her, he did not
marry her, uttered a sad truth when he answered, "Ah, but where then
should I pass my evenings?" A reflection upon the agreeableness of
married life that might easily be avoided by the exercise of care and
tact on both sides.
The Art of Agreeableness.
Philip Gilbert Hammerton, in his _Intellectual Life_, wisely suggests:
"A married couple are clearly aware that, in the course of a few
years, their society is sure to become mutually uninteresting unless
something is done. What is that something? Every author who succeeds,
takes the trouble to renew his mind by fresh knowledge, new thoughts.
So, is it not at least worth while to do as much to preserve the
interest of marriage?"
The wife who dresses for her husband's sake, who reads that she may
qualify herself for conversation with him, who makes him the chief end
of her cares, and the husband who brings home from the outside world
some of its life and animation to share with her, who has a loving
interest in all that she has done for his pleasure, and, if wealth be
a stranger at their door, stands ready to lift the heaviest burdens
from her shoulders, have solved for themselves the problem of married
happiness, and found it to be a condition wherein every joy is doubled
and every sorrow halved.
Duty Toward One Another.
Let the wife have no confidant as to the little shortcomings of her
husband, over which love, as well as pride, should draw a sheltering
veil. Never listen to an unkind tale of his past or present mistakes,
and count all those who would seek thus to destroy your peace of mind
as your bitterest enemies. Let the husband in his turn remember that
an unkind or slighting word spoken of his wife, touches his own honor
to the quick, and be instant in resenting the words that should never
have been spoken in his presence.
Another point to be remembered in view of the duty of husband and wife
toward one another, is with reference to attending church or
entertainments. The wife has, in all probability, left a home where
the different members of the household were ready to accompany each
other whenever occasion served, and young friends were planning many a
pleasant outing, and now she is wholly dependent upon her husband for
all of these things. Let her beware, under these circumstances, of
allowing herself to attend church, lecture, or any other evening
entertainment, in the company of well-meaning friends. For the
husband, once seeing that his wife can attend these places without his
assistance, will soon, if such be his disposition, remain selfishly
home at all times, or, if otherwise inclined, still more selfishly
find his amusement in places widely foreign to his wife's happiness or
peace of mind. The carelessness of many well-meaning men in this
respect is the cause of very much unhappiness that might be wholly
avoided by a little consideration as to the utter dependence of the
wife upon her husband for all these recreations.
Home Attire.
This is a subject that it should be unnecessary to touch upon, but,
unfortunately, too many bright, pretty, carefully-dressed girls
degenerate into careless, fretful, untidy and illy-clad young wives,
whose presence is anything but a joy forever to the individuals who
must face them across the family board for three hundred and
sixty-five days in every year. And it is this careless young woman who
is first to complain that "John does not care for me in the least, now
we are married," while John is very apt to think, "If Carrie would
only take just a little of the pains to please me now that she did six
months ago, how much happier we would be." And John is quite right
about it. This very carelessness on the part of wives has marred the
happiness of more than one new home. The ribbon, the flower, the color
that "John likes" and the smile that crowns all are magical in their
effects.
Then let John always remember to bring to this home a pleasant face,
from which business cares are driven away, and a readiness to please
and be pleased, that meets the wife's attempts half way, and the
evening meal will be made delightful by pleasant chat, which should
never consist of a _resume_ of the day's tribulations, but should turn
on subjects calculated to remove from the mind all trace of their
existence, and thus will they arise at its close better and happier
for the hour that has passed.
Household and Personal Expenses.
One of the chief sources of unhappiness in married life is the strife
arising from the vexed question of home and personal expenses. In the
first place, the husband frequently fails in regard to openness with
regard to his business concerns and profits; thus the wife, entirely
ignorant as to what amount she may safely spend, errs too often on the
side of extravagance, finding too late, when a storm of reproach
descends upon her innocent head, where and how she has sinned.
Then, too, it is often a sore trial to the wife's pride to ask for the
money necessary to keep her own wardrobe in repair. Especially is this
the case when, before marriage, she was in receipt of her own money,
earned by her own hands. It seems to her that her husband ought to see
that she has need of certain articles, and the very fact that he does
not, leads her to the false supposition that he has ceased to care
for her, while he, if there was any thought about it in his mind,
would say, "Why doesn't she ask for money if she wants it? She knows I
will give it to her if I have it."
All these troubles would be avoided if married couples early came to a
definite understanding on this subject, and a certain sum were set
aside which the wife was to receive weekly for household expenses, her
personal wants to be supplied from such surplus as she may be able to
save from out this sum, or in some other way provided for by a stated
amount, both of which sums should be under her exclusive, unquestioned
control.
Some simple system of accounts should then be kept and regularly gone
over together on every quarter. A mutual agreement thus established on
the money question, much annoyance and much extravagance may be
prevented. It is not too much to suggest that, perhaps, it might not
be amiss to present an account of the husband's expenses also, at
these quarterly reckonings.
Above all things, never let the wife, from a weak desire to gratify
her own personal vanity, enter upon some extravagant purchase, the
amount of which she must conceal from her husband, and (vainly often)
strive to pay in small amounts saved or borrowed. The result is
usually exposure, sometimes disgrace, pecuniary loss and loss of
esteem in the husband's eyes. Perfect confidence is the only basis
upon which happiness can be safely founded.
A Pleasant Disposition.
Cultivate, on both sides, a disposition to restrain all unseemly
exhibitions of temper. Hysterics and prolonged and repeated fits of
tears soon lose their effect, and, at the last, a half-pitying
contempt is their only result. Let all conversation be refined in its
tone. The force of example in this respect carries with it a silent,
impressive power that is not easily resisted and lapses therefrom
involve a loss of this influence that cannot be easily estimated.
Profanity, too, is a deadly foe in the household and any wife that
permits her husband to swear in her presence, either to herself, or
concerning others, lessens her own self-respect each time it occurs.
That profanity can be repressed, has been shown her by the fact that,
no matter how long the previous engagement may have lasted, no word of
such import escaped the man's lips in her presence, and surely the
woman chosen to be head of his home is no less worthy of his respect
than was the girl he wooed.
The habit of indulging in cutting or harsh remarks is one to be
guarded against. Mutual politeness should be exercised by both husband
and wife, and in all cases watch should be set over the mouth, and the
door of the lips well kept.
Boarding Versus Home Life.
The tendency in all large cities, at this present time, points toward
fashionable boarding-houses, or expensive lodging-houses, as the
nuclei round which the newly-married most do congregate.
It may be that the wife is utterly unused to the care of a house (in
which case the sooner she learn the art, the happier for both parties)
or, perhaps, the financial resources of the husband are unable to
support the drain consequent upon furnishing a home that shall gratify
the foolish pride of the wife. But, whatever the cause, the effects
are the same, and are to be found in the utter unfitness of women
adopting this manner of existence for any of the serious duties of
life that, sooner or later, come upon all who wear this mortal garb.
Then, too, in the idle, censorious, gossiping, novel-reading life that
flourishes in this hothouse existence, the seeds of lifelong misery
are not infrequently sown.
Let a home, then, however small, be one of the first considerations in
beginning the married life, and let the adding to, and the beautifying
of, this precious possession be the duty and the privilege of the
years to come.
To the wife, in her housewifely _role_, belongs the care of overseeing
or accomplishing with her own hands, the varied duties that go to
secure the daily well-being of the home. She must see that the rooms
are bright, neat, and cosily arranged; that the meals are
appetizingly and punctually served, and be herself neatly and
tastefully attired to preside at the table.
Due allowances are to be made for the amount of manual labor she has
been obliged to perform with her own hands, still, by care and tact a
woman can always maintain a certain degree of neatness.
Let the husband, on his part, bring into the home cheerfulness, with a
quick remembrance of all those little attentions that go so far toward
making up the sum of earthly happiness. Let him see that, to the best
of his ability, the home wants are provided for, and be not forgetful
to lend the help of his stronger hand wherever needed. (Read carefully
other hints in department of Home Etiquette.)
Never demand of your wife more than you are willing to give. If you
desire to be received with smiles, enter the house with a cheerful
mien, and you will find there are few women who are not willing to
give measure for measure, and even a little more than they receive of
kindly attention. For a wife will usually shine, like the moon, by
reflection, and her happiness will always reflect your own.
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