[Illustration]
Struggle through the jungle; hardships beginning. Black-legs, engaged
owing to strike amongst _Dokkas_, or native porters, fast dwindling,
owing to energetic picketing with poisoned arrows from behind trees by
small brown dwarfs. Pursued one, and after boxing his ears severely,
dismissed him with threat of telling his mother. Jungle almost
impassable. All heavier baggage sent on to Central Africa by Parcels
Delivery. After four days' wandering, the Lady Guide, who had been
represented as "thoroughly conversant with the district," began to cry
and said she had lost the path. Dismissed her on the spot, paying her
return fare, though under no _legal_ obligation to do so. Really _too_
ridiculous to attempt to conduct a party through the Dark Continent
with nothing but an ordnance map of Epping Forest! Long and fruitless
search for track; fortunately, just as despair reached climax, met a
_Koppah_ (or native policeman) and asked him--turned out to be only
just round the corner.
On the main road again; Passed a native caravan of nomad _Djipsis_.
Bought a hearth-brush and door-mat. At mid-day, took the sun
with portable camera. Sun moved and spoilt negative. Made some
observations.
Reached native village--N'yutoihigama. Much struck by native method
of ascending palms for cocoa-nuts, carrying letters, wrestling, &c.
Visited King MAHBUL of Pigzinklovaland. Much interested by efforts of
King with his three favourite wives, all under influence of _Pombé_ or
palm-beer, to roll into royal kraal.
On again; progress obstructed by the _Nekkids_ of Nuffintowara, who
seemed bent on giving battle. Sent messenger to King with present of
shirt-studs, after which allowed to pass unharmed. Further on, stopped
by band of _Grimi-Grubbas_, who evidently meant being nasty. Called to
them pleasantly in native tongue, "_Cheke-bobo-nangu-yanzi-toorali_?"
(Good-morning, have you used Scours' Soap?) Found they hadn't, and
presented them with a packet, also with brushes and other articles of
the toilette, of which they were in great need.
Came to open space near N'yumarkiti. Saw some _Darckorsis_ running
in and out of brushwood in highly suspicious manner. Found on inquiry
that they were only "out for an airing" not "on the job." Much
relieved. Conference with King M'rora of the Wezijiji tribe; trumpets
sounded as soon as he was done.
Discovered large river of colour of strong green tea. Named it the Sir
Wilfrid Lawson. Entered territory of the Rumboozi people. Their
king, MOPZANBRUMZI, offering his services as guide. MOPSANBRUMZI most
cordial, but much too drunk to be of any material assistance. Once
powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the
Ikkupi dialect--quite unintelligible. MOPZANBRUMZI presented with a
small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition
left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.
On the lagoon. An adventure befell TOBY, which, but for prompt
action, might have had fatal termination; TOBY mistook open mouth of
hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat.
Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that
"No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and
directed wrapper." TOBY'S barking inside fainter. At length remembered
having brought Report of Parnell Commission for private reading. Read
Report to Hippopotamus slowly, until symptoms of weariness observable
in huge pachyderm. Read on, and hippopotamus yawned; whereupon
whistled to TOBY, who ran up, not much the worse, except that frill
had lost every vestige of colour.
Engaged native interpreter, as no conversation manuals published for
countries in this district. Excellent fellow--clean, strictly honest,
total abstainer; only one blemish--not discovered till later--a bit of
a cannibal when he got the chance. Sent him on to announce our arrival
to the Dilli-dillis, but found none in the neighbourhood when we came
up--only some things which he _said_ were fossils. Made no comment,
but resolved to send them to Professor HUXLEY, and see what _his_
opinion is.
Among the Bong Booshis; despatched Cannibal Interpreter to report;
he returned, wiping his mouth, and announcing that they were "most
agreeable, excellent, good people."
[Illustration]
Could not understand why they all hid underground at our approach, and
why the King so persistently sent word that he was not at home. Told
Interpreter that, in our opinion, he was a little deficient in tact.
Sent him to treat with a native chief, called PHATTI, and had the
mortification this time of surprising him _in the act_; no denial
possible--he had his mouth full at the time! Told him that, if
this occurred _again_, we should be exceedingly annoyed. Cannibal
Interpreter penitent; lent him tract, _Why I Became a Vegetarian_,
over which he shed tears.
Came to the M'yusikauli District. King LESSI came to meet us, and
offered _Mr. Punch_ a free pass over his domains. In the evening a
grand performance, partly in our honour, partly to celebrate recent
triumph over the G'yudi-g'yudis, who, under their chief MAKDOOGALLA,
had been waging war against the M'yusi-kaulis on the pretext that they
were assuming an offensive demeanour. Heard afterwards that both
sides claimed victory, but truce declared for a year. Performance
magnificent--but much too long. Native dances by _Ikika_ girls
in pairs. _T'seriokomiks_ and _T'songandanzas_ also gave curious
exhibitions of their powers. _Hackiribats_ and _Kunjeras_ (or
native magicians) performed. A wild, weird, lurid scene, strange and
fascinating--but a trifle slow.
[Illustration]
In Ugoweh; met some Gitalongdo girls, but could not succeed in
persuading them to enter into conversation.
On the River; saw _Krûs_ practising in long canoes, and got out of
their way. Descended cataracts; shot several rapids, and sent them
home to be stuffed.
Came to Desert, and hired camel to go across on, (N.B. These animals
are styled "Back-tryin"--which they _are_.) Only eighteen-pence an
hour, which would have been reasonable enough, but quite impossible
to sit out more than nine-penn'orth. Decided to take an ostrich for
remainder of journey. Softer to sit. Ostrich a failure; ran for five
hours in a circle, at express speed, and then suddenly turned shy, and
buried its head in sand, without the slightest notice; foolish habit
for any bird to acquire. Determined to try a quagga--quagga tried
_me_, and very soon found me wanting, A quagga is a brute to buck!
After all, came back to my old wooden mount--spot better than stripes,
any day.
In the Jungle again. Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid
Apes. Lent them some copies of _Punch_, which are indispensable to all
African travellers. Apes delighted--one large gorilla quite hysterical
with laughter. Much gratified--till discovery that it was the
_advertisements_ which amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much
exaggerated.
Reached the Kit'ldrumma District. Natives hostile at first; war-drums
sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified
them by playing selection from "_Tannhäuser_," arranged for drum and
panpipes by LISZT. TOBY taking violent fancy to a "_Spottiduff_," or
native dog, _Spottiduff_ vanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner;
find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality. TOBY
inconsolable.
Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their
king--CHESIPARA. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses.
Dinner beastly. CHESIPARA saying repeatedly that he "made no stranger
of me"--he _will_, though, for the future. Exchange of presents. Gave
CHESIPARA a silver-mounted dressing case (bankrupt stock--a bargain),
a handsome coloured supplement, _Muzzer's Darling_ (given away with
Christmas Number of _Timon_), a microscope (object-lens missing--but
he'll never miss it), a plated fish-slice, and a pair of nut-crackers.
CHESIPARA, after a good deal of parade, presented me with a bunch of
very indifferent bananas, and a brass collar, belonging to one of his
wives, whom he had had killed on purpose! Told him, with much emotion,
that I should never forget it.
Reached the Centre of Africa; found that luggage had _not_ been
forwarded after all! Had to borrow a clean shirt from Kollamangel
chief, promised to return it on arrival at Coast. Difficulty with
TIPPOO-TIP of the Blackmaïlas, who refused to allow _Mr. Punch_ to
pass without tribute. Pacified him with palm butter and reached coast
without further incident.
* * *
After leaving TIPPOO-TIP, he continued his journey through the
Colonies. Now he was taking tiffin in Calcutta, and a few minutes
later found everyone asleep at Montreal. Christmas seemed to him to be
being kept in Melbourne in the most sultry weather, and New Year's Day
in Cape Colony was observed as a Midsummer festival. He had a general
impression of constant change and constant improvement. The spirit of
the mighty English Race seemed to be falling upon the world like a ray
of glorious sunshine. This ray of light was continually increasing and
beating back the darkness. And, as the Sage travelled through the air,
he found everywhere content. It mattered not who the natives might
be, they had but one flag, the Union Jack, one sovereign, the
Empress-Queen VICTORIA!
"Rule BRITANNIA!" cried _Mr. Punch_, enthusiastically. "But for all
that, I wish I could have a few minutes to myself."
In a moment, he found himself seated amidst the eternal snows of the
North Pole.
"Well, this is an ice place!" shivered the Sage. There was a roar of
mighty laughter from the Aurora Borealis. It was the first time that
the ancient jest had been uttered in those latitudes. The Sage blushed
at his adoption of the venerable "JOE MILLER," and wished himself back
in Europe--in civilisation.
He found himself in Venice. Steam gondolas were travelling along
the Grand Canal, and Cockneys were cutting their names on the sacred
stones of the Church of St. Mark.
"It is becoming very English," murmured the Sage. "I suppose the next
move will be to organise pigeon-shooting matches in front of the Café
Florian, after turning the Doge's Palace into an illuminated Palace of
Varieties."
_Mr. Punch_ was disgusted, and began to think longingly of home.
"I have made a pretty fair round of the world, but I suppose I ought
to do a little more in Europe--after all, it has the first claim upon
my consideration. Let me consider--I think I should like to see a
Greek robber in Athens."
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S RETURN.]
In a moment the Sage found himself in an Athenian hotel, with the
proprietor bowing obsequiously before him.
"Not very classical," he murmured. "I wonder what it was like in the
days when the dead languages were alive, if not kicking. How I should
like to see Athens in the time of HELEN the fairest of the fair in
everything--save in her conduct to MENELAUS!"
Before he had time for further thought, he found himself in the far
past, and thus had an opportunity of comparing the old with the new.
"Very pretty, but, on my word, comfort was a secondary consideration.
But I have neglected Spain. I wish to see the loveliest view in good
old WELLINGTON'S Peninsula."
_Mr. Punch_ had expected to be carried into one of the courts of the
Alhambra, but, in lieu of this, he found himself gazing at a lady,
beautiful beyond compare. For a moment he was so lost in admiration,
that he almost forgot himself, and was about to kiss her. Remembering,
however, that he was a married man, and that his better half might
object to the very natural, but (under the circumstances) highly
improper transaction, he paused, and changed his kiss into a beaming
smile. He was a little _chagrined_, however, to notice that
the beautiful creature was so intent upon watching some distant
attraction, that she had no eyes for him, nor, in fact, for anyone
else.
"What can she be looking at?" he murmured. "How lovely she is with
her heightened colour, her parted lips, her soul beaming through her
lustrous dark eyes!"
Then he uttered an exclamation of disgust when he found that the lady
was giving her entire attention to a bull-fight!
"I think I have had enough of this! We may have something of the same
sort in our courts during a trial for murder; but, as a rule, _our_
female blood-hungerers are either podgy matrons of sixty, or skinny
old maids, of no (admitted) age at all! So give me England--dear old
England!" He was set down at the Cannon Street Railway Station, and,
collecting his luggage (which had followed by _Grande Vitesse_), he
called a cab, and drove to Fleet Street.
And once more he was back in the ancestral halls, which had been
decorated for the occasion with holly, and its white-berried
companion. So, while TOBY played "_Home, Sweet Home!_" _Mr. Punch_
kissed BRITANNIA under the Mistletoe, and wished her and the whole
world, in a Wassail-bowl,