[Illustration]
The fact is, Sir, that I had got quite tired of hearing Gents all a
grumbling at allers having the same kind of wittels at their Citty
Bankwets: so I thort as I woud jest take a run hover here, jest to
see what they had to hoffer by way of change; and so here I am, on my
voyage of dishcovery.
I passes over that woyage, and my many blunders in trying to make
myself hunderstood by the hignerent natives, and at once goes in
to describe what was of coarse most hintresting to me, namely,
the dinners. I dined wun day at the Shing-Cully Otel, which is a
fust-class consern. I was told as all the Swells dined at the top of
the house; so hup stairs I went, and sat myself down at a large tabel,
with about 30 Chineese Gents, all drest in their riduklus kostoom of
Jackets and pettycotes. They all stared at me as if I was sumthink
werry strange, tho' drest in my ushal full hevening dress, with white
choker. We only had 1 Maynoo for all of us, and had to chuse our
Dishes, so I chose Birds'-nest Soup, Sharks' fins, as they hadn't got
no Turbot, lots of frute, and Roast Puppy! We began with frute; but,
before we ate any, we all took wine with one another! The Birds'-nest
Soup must have been werry carefooly strained, for there wasn't not no
twigs nor bits of straw, het setterer, in it. The Sharks' fins wasn't
at all bad, but, as we wasn't allowd no knives or forks, but only 2
chop-sticks, as they calls 'em, I had sum difficulty in heating it.
They then brort me some stewed sumthink, which was that oily that I
didn't heat much of it. I ardly xpecs to be bleeved when I says that
we had no tabel-cloth or tabel-napkins, but we each had a peace of
common brown paper at the side of our plates, with which we all wiped
our messy chop-sticks, and our oily mouths. The dux was werry good, so
I had about harf a one. The Puppy Dog looked much like a Sucking Pig,
but even the strong hunion sauce didn't hide the parfume enuff for
me to be able to taste it. The wine wasn't anythink werry grand, but,
what it wanted in flavior, it made up in strength, and many a eye
began for to twinkle afore the dinner was over; and, judging from what
I saw then, and at other times, I should think about the most commical
hobjeck on earth is a drunken Chinyman. I was arterwards told that the
propper place to get dogs and cats for dinner was in Jack-Poo-Kow. The
idear of calling such horrid filth Kow, made me suspishus, so I found
the place out, and, who should I see oppersite the winder where the
dead dogs and cats is hung up to dry, but your own dog TOBY! a barking
at 'em with such hindignashun that I werrily bleeves that one word of
incurragement from me wood have made him rush into the _restaurant_,
and ewen praps attack the Hed Waiter! However, I perswaded him to
leave the horrid place, and go home with me; but, on our way, we came
to another of them, where a black cat was hanging up, when in TOBY
rushed, and, siezing it in his mouth, brort it out to me, and tore it
lim from lim! Out came the Master, and 2 of his Waiters, and, little
knowing who I was, seized me, and dragged me into the shop, and
demanded 100 sents, or four shillings, for the black cat's body,
and tuppence for its pair of eyes, which, it seems, are considerd a
speshal lukshury? TOBY, insted of looking ashamed of hisself for his
shamefool conduck, trotted by my side, barking away, and looking as
prowd as a Lord Mare's Coachman, till I lost him in the crowd.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
I called one day by appintment upon a sillibrated Mandereen with 3
tales, who must therefore have bin a heminent swell. He was not a
tome, but the servents showed me into a room where a most bewtifool
Chineese Lady was a-lying on a Sofhy, with such darling little tootsy
putsys as I never seed afore, and which I shood think wood suttenly
prewent her from ever warking like a Cristian Lady. She wore all her
bewtifool hare brushed off her bewtifool face as if she wanted it all
to grow backards. I warked boldly up to her and sed, "Mandareeny tomy
tomy?" to which she replied, "Ching-Ching-Changy-Wangy!" Not quite
undustanding a word she said, I was about to take my leave by saying,
"Bowy! Wowy!" when she got off the Sofhy and hobbling along to the
door, placed herself against it, and patting my estonished cheeks
said, "Oh, how nicey picey!" I was that estonished that I thort I
shood have fainted, and ewen TOBY, who I had took with me, stared
at her with both his eyes, speshally when she put up her fan, when
presently the door was forced open from the howtside, and who shood
henter but the three-taled Mandareen hisself!
He looked fust at the bewtifool Lady, and then at me, and then, harf
droring his grate big sword, and sounding the Gong most wierlently, in
rushed about 1/2 a dozen servents, and after some most angry words of
Chineese gibberish from their master, they all siezed me and dragged
me to another room, where they took off both my boots and my stockings
and laying me down on the flore, tho I had all my best clothes onn,
they beat both my souls and my eels with sticks till I skreamed for
mersy!
They then left me. I was that hurt both in my feet and my feelinx that
I didn't kno what on airth to do. When presently in came one of
them quite quietly and said in a whisper: "I spikes ze Inglesh, pore
feller! and if you have sum munny I can get you what you calls a
sub-sty-tooty for the rest of your punnishment." "How much will it
be?" says I. "About 10,000 Cash?" says he. "10,000 Cash!" says I.
"It's only 2 pound ten of your munny," says he. So, feeling as I shood
suttenly die if I had to go through the same tortur again, I gave him
the munny, and sure enuff he soon returned with a pore seedy-looking
Chinaman who took my place, and my new friend took me out of the house
by the back-door, and off I set and got home without hinterrupshun!
As soon as my feet got well I went to a werry sillybrated
Phizzygonomist, I thinks they calls 'em, to have my fortun told. He
werry kindly sed that my large mouth and chin, and my furm nose, and
my large neck, was all most faverable sines; but added, as he was
sorry to have to say, that as my eyes was not long ones, and had no
large pewpils, I must most suttenly have a grate natteral taste for
picking and stealing! Whether sich a rewelation was worth fifteen
sents, or 7-1/2_d._, I must leave you, Sir, to determine; all I can
say is, that I thort it dear at the munny.
[Illustration]
I bort wun day a most bewtifool Chineese rapper, and I used offen to
go and sit on the steps leading to wun of their little tempels, with
my air werry nicely drest by a air-dresser, and there, with TOBY by
my side, I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the
estonished parsers-by.
One of the prinsiple emusements of the hupper nobillerty is the flying
of most bewtifool kites! I have heard of the same thing being dun in
the great City of London, but I never seed it. I bleeves in both cases
the kites is made of paper. Everybody smokes in China, Men and Women
and Boys and Gals. Sum of the men has baccy-pipes so long that they
uses them as Warking-Sticks!
I was rayther surprised to find as they warships the Griffin, jest
such a wun as we has on the top of Tempel Bar, but which our peepel,
as you kno, don't warship, not by no means. But the Chineese in their
dense hignerence calls it a Draggon!
In short, Sir, I arives at the conclushun that the Chineese is about
the rummest lot of peeple in the hole world, and anyboddy as wants
plenty of fun had better cum here at wunce, but not stay long, and
don't heat dogs or cats, or wisit Mandereen's Wives.
* * *
"Thank you, very much," said _Mr. Punch_, when ROBERT had finished
speaking, "but I am afraid I can stay with you no longer. I wish to
pay a flying visit to the Colonies. But first I must show Mr. STANLEY
that, great Discoverer though he may be, I can yet over-explore him!"
Then, accompanied by his faithful TOBY, he wished that they should be
in Central Africa. Urged by his companion, in this instance, he took
some copious notes. He preserved them, and they are thus able to be
embodied in this veracious chronicle.
* * * * *