departed to encourage local enterprises.
"And now, fellows," said Hickey, "we come to the serious
proposition--the real business of the meeting. We have got to treat
with Crazy Opdyke."
"Never!"
"Macnooder must sacrifice himself," said Hickey. "Am I right, Cheyenne?"
"You are," said Cheyenne. "The campaign has reached a serious stage.
The Upper, the Kennedy, the Griswold, the Davis, are already Fed; the
Rouse will go next. Even if we get the Green, we're lost if the Cleve
goes against us, and Crazy is just holding out to make terms."
"We have misjudged Crazy," said Hickey; "his record was against him,
but we have misjudged him. He's been the only live one in the bunch.
Now we've got to meet his terms."
The door opened and Crazy Opdyke sauntered in.
"Hello, fellows," he drawled. "How's the campaign going? Are you
satisfied with your progress?" He stretched languidly into an armchair.
"Am I still welcome in the home of great moral ideas?"
"Crazy, our feelings for you are both of sorrow and of affection," said
Cheyenne, conciliatingly. "You certainly are a boss politician. What's
this new wrinkle of yours over in the Cleve?"
"I've been amusing myself," said Crazy with a drawl, "organising the
Mugwumps, the intelligent and independent vote, the balance of power,
you know, the party that doesn't heel to any boss, but votes according
to its, to its----"
"To its what, Crazy?" said Hickey, gently.
"To its conscience," replied Crazy firmly. "To its conscience, when its
conscience is intelligently approached."
"Oh, you're for sale, are you?" said Turkey aggressively.
"No, Turkey, no-o-o! And yet we've organised the Blocks of Five
Marching Club; rather significant, eh?"
"Well, what's your game; what have you come for?"
"Oh, just to be friendly," said Crazy, rising languidly.
"Stop," said Hickey. "Sit down. Let's have a few words."
Crazy slouched back, sunk into the armchair and assumed a listening
position.
"Crazy," said Hickey, "we've made a mistake. We didn't know you. You
are the surprise of the campaign. We apologise. We are merely amateurs;
you are the only original, professional politician."
"This is very gratifying," said Crazy, without a blush.
"Crazy, from this moment," said Hickey, firmly, "you are the treasurer
of the Campaign Committee, and we're listening for any words of wisdom
you have ready to uncork."
"No, Hickey, no," said Crazy, rising amid general dismay, "I no longer
hanker to be a treasurer. It was just a passing fancy. Independence
is better and more profitable; I appreciate your kind offer, I do
appreciate it, Hickey, but I'm a Mugwump; I couldn't wear a dog-collar,
I couldn't!"
"Sit down again, Crazy," said Hickey, persuasively; "sit down. It's
a pleasure to talk with you. You're right; your independent and
intelligent nature would be thrown away in a matter of books and
figures. We've been looking round for a fearless, upright, popular and
eloquent figure to stand for the Cleve, and, Crazy, we're just aching
to have you step up into the frame."
"Hickey, you mistake me, you mistake me and my motives," said Crazy,
sadly. "My soul does not hanker for personal glorification or the
flattery of the multitude. I'm a child of nature, Hickey, and my
ambitions are few and simple."
"It's right to have ambitions, Crazy," said Hickey, soothingly, "and
they don't need to be few or simple. We regret that we cannot honour
your eminent qualities as we wish to, but we still have hopes, Crazy,
that we may have the benefit of your guiding hand."
"Guiding hand?" said Crazy, looking at the ceiling.
"Exactly," said Hickey, magnanimously; "in fact, I realise how unworthy
I am to fill the great position of trust and responsibility of
vice-chairman of this committee, and I long to see it in the hands----"
"I thought you said guiding hand," said Crazy, interrupting.
The assembled committee looked in amazement at Crazy. Then the storm
broke out.
"Why, you insolent, impudent pup!"
"Do you think we'll make you chairman?"
"Kick him out!"
"Rough-house!"
"Order!" cried Cheyenne. "Crazy, out with it. You want to be chairman,
don't you?"
"Have I made any demands?" said Crazy, coolly.
"Come now--yes or no!"
"Are you handing it to me?"
A fresh storm of indignation was interrupted by the sudden tumultuous
reappearance of Wash Simmons, shouting:
"Fellows, Butsey White and the Green have sold out to the Mugwumps!"
Crazy Opdyke sat down again.
A long silence succeeded. Then Cheyenne Baxter, mutely interrogating
every glance, rose and said:
"Crazy, you win. The chairmanship is yours. Will you take it on a
silver platter or with a bouquet of roses?"
That evening, when Hickey went to report to Ernest Garrison Baldwin, he
found that civic reformer in a somewhat perturbed condition.
"I'm afraid, Hicks," he said dubiously, "that the campaign is getting
a wrong emphasis. It seems to me that those Federalist banners are not
only in questionable taste, but show a frivolous and trifling attitude
toward this great opportunity."
"It's just the humour of the campaign, sir," said Hickey reassuringly;
"I wouldn't take them seriously."
"Another thing, Hicks; I'm rather surprised that the management of the
campaign does not seem to be in the hands of the very representative
committee you originally selected."
"Yes, sir," said Hickey; "we realise that; but we're making a change
in our party at least which will please you. Opdyke is going to take
control."
"Indeed! That is reassuring; that is a guarantee on your side, at
least, of a dignified, honourable canvass."
"Oh, yes, sir," said Hickey.
He left gravely and scampered across the campus. Suddenly from the
Woodhull Toots Cortell's trumpet squeaked out. At the same moment the
first Anti-Fed banner was flung out, thus conceived:
TURN THE ROBBERS OUT
NO MORE GRAFTING
NO MORE GOUGING THE UNDER FORMERS
FACULTY SUPERVISION MEANS
SAVING TO THE POCKET
OUT WITH THE BLACKMAILERS
The astute and professional hand of the Honourable Crazy Opdyke was
felt at once. The Anti-Fed party, while still advocating faculty
control of the athletic finances for purposes of efficiency and
economy, now shifted the ground by a series of brilliant strokes.
The third day of the campaign had hardly opened when the four fusion
houses displayed prominently the following proclamation:
ECONOMY AND JIGGERS
FACULTY MANAGEMENT OF THE FINANCES
MEANS RIGID ECONOMY
PROTECTION OF THE WEAK
FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE TAX GATHERER
EQUITABLE PRO-RATA
LEVYING OF CONTRIBUTIONS
ECONOMY MEANS MORE JIGGERS
MORE JIGGERS MEANS
MORE HAPPINESS FOR THE GREATER NUMBER
VOTE FOR THE FATTER POCKETBOOK
Hardly had this argument to the universal appetite been posted before
the Feds retorted by posting a proclamation:
FACULTY PLOT
EVIDENCE IS PILING UP THAT THE
PRESENT POLITICAL CAMPAIGN IS A
HUGE FACULTY CONSPIRACY TO DEPRIVE
THE SCHOOL OF ITS LIBERTIES
BY UNDERGROUND DARK-LANTERN
METHODS, WHERE IT DOES NOT DARE
TO ATTEMPT IT OPENLY
THE APRON-STRINGS ARE IN POSSESSION
OF A GIGANTIC CORRUPTION
FUND WHO IS PUTTING UP?
When this attack became public the Anti-Feds were in deep deliberation,
planning a descent on the Hamill House. The news of the outrageous
charge was borne to the conference by Hungry Smeed, with tears in his
eyes.
"Crazy," said Doc, "we must meet the charge, now, at once."
There was a chorus of assent.
"We will," said Crazy, diving into his pocket and producing a wad of
paper. "This is what I've had up my sleeve from the beginning. This is
the greatest state paper ever conceived."
"Let's have it," said Hickey, and Crazy proudly read:
THE FULL PROGRAMME
The Campaign of Slander and Vilification Instituted by Tough McCarthy
and His Myrmidons Will Not Deceive the Intelligent and Independent
Voter. Anti-Federalist Candidates Only Are the Defendants of the
Liberties of the School.
Anti-Fed. Candidates Stand Solemnly Pledged to Work For Increased
Privileges.
ACCESS TO THE JIGGER-SHOP AT ALL TIMES
REMOVING THE LIMIT ON WEEKLY ALLOWANCES
ABOLITION OF THE HATEFUL COMPULSORY
BATH SYSTEM
BETTER FOOD MORE FOOD
REGULATION OF SINKERS AND SCRAG-BIRDS
ESTABLISHMENT OF TWO SLEIGHING HOLIDAYS
CUSHIONED SEATS FOR CHAPEL
When this momentous declaration of principles was read there was an
appalled silence, while Crazy, in the centre of the admiring circle,
grew perceptibly.
Then a shriek burst out and Crazy was smothered in the arms of the
regenerated Anti-Feds.
"Crazy will be President of the United States," said Turkey admiringly.
"Wonderful!"
"The bathroom plank will win us fifty votes."
"And what about the jigger vote?"
At this moment an egg passed rapidly through the open window and spread
itself on the wall, while across the campus the figure of Mucker Reilly
of the Kennedy was seen zigzagging for safety, with his thumb vulgarly
applied to his nose.
The Executive Committee gazed at the wall, watching the yellow
desecration gradually trickling into a map of South America.
"This means the end of argument," said Cheyenne sadly. "The campaign
from now on will be bitter."
"If the appeal to force is going to be made," said Crazy, applying a
towel, "we shall endeavour--Doc, shut the window--we shall endeavour to
meet it."
"We have now a chance," said Egghead, brightening, "to prove that we
are not Goo-Goos."
"Egghead, you are both intelligent and comforting," said Hickey. "The
first thing is to corner the egg market."
"The Finance Committee," said Crazy wrathfully, "is empowered to buy,
beg or borrow every egg, every squashy apple, every mushy tomato that
can be detected and run down. From now on we shall wage a vigorous
campaign."
* * * * *
The publication of the Anti-Fed programme roused the party cohorts to
cheers and song. The panicky Feds strove desperately to turn the tide
with the following warning:
HA! HA!
IT WON'T DO!
WE KNOW THE HAND!
Don't Be Deceived. Hickey is the Sheep in Wolf's Clothing. Stung
to the Quick by Our Detection of the Criminal Alliance Between the
Anti-Feds and the Faculty, Hickey, the King of the Goo-Goos, is Trying
to Bleat Like a Wolf. It Won't Do! They Cannot Dodge the Issue. Stand
Firm. Lawrenceville Must Not Be Made Into a Kindergarten.
But this could not stem the rising wave. The Hamill House turned its
back on Federalism and threw in its lot with the foes of compulsory
bath. Just before supper the Anti-Feds were roused to frenzy by the
astounding news that the little Rouse House, isolated though it was
from the rest of the school and under the very wing of the Davis, had
declared Anti-Fed, for the love of combat that burned in its heroic
band led by the redoubtable Charley De Soto and Scrapper Morrissey.
With the declaration of the different houses the first stage of the
campaign ended. By supper every house was on a military footing and the
dove of peace was hastening toward the horizon.
That night Mr. Baldwin waited in vain for the report of Hickey, waited
and wondered. For the first time Baldwin, the enthusiast, began to be a
little apprehensive of the forces he had unchained.
A little later Mr. Baronson chose to pay him a visit.
"Well, Baldwin, what news?" he said, drily. "Thoroughly satisfied with
your new course in political education?"
"Why, the boys seem to take to it with enthusiasm," said Baldwin
rather dubiously. "I think they're thoroughly interested."
"Interested? Yes--quite so. By the way, Baldwin," Baronson stopped a
moment and scanned his young subordinate with pitying knowledge, "I'm
going to retire for the night. If I had a cyclone cellar I'd move to
it. I put you in charge of the house. If any attempt is made to set
it on fire or dynamite it, go out and argue gently with the boys, and
above all, impress upon them that they are the hope of the country and
must set a standard. Reason with them, Baldwin, and above all, appeal
to their better natures. Good-night."
Baldwin did not answer. He stood meditatively gazing out the window.
From the Dickinson and the Kennedy magic lanterns were flashing
campaign slogans on white sheets suspended at opposite houses. The
uproar of cat-calls and hoots that accompanied the exhibitions left
small reason to hope that they were couched in that clear, reasoning
style which would uplift future American politics.
As he looked, from the Upper House the indignant and now thoroughly
aroused fourth form started to parade with torch-lights and
transparencies. Presently the winding procession, clothed in
super-imposed night shirts, arrived with hideous clamour. Dangling from
a pole were two grotesque figures stuffed with straw and decked with
aprons; overhead was the inscription, "Kings of the Goo-Goos," and one
was labelled Hickey and one was labelled Brother. Opposite his window
they halted and chanted in soft unison:
Hush, hush, tread softly,
Hush, hush, make no noise,
Baldwin is the King of the Goo-Goos,
Let him sleep,
Let him sleep.
Shouted: LET HIM SLEEP!!!
Then the transparencies succeeded one another, bobbing over the rolling
current of indignant seniors.
BACK TO THE KINDERGARTEN!
WE WANT NO BROTHERLY LOVE!
GOOD-BYE, BALDWIN! GOOD-BYE!
Baldwin drew down the shade and stepped from the window. He heard a
familiar step in the corridor, and quickly locked the door. Baronson
knocked; then he knocked again; after which he moved away, chuckling.
* * * * *
When the fourth form procession arrived on its tour around the circle
the Dickinsonians were prepared to welcome it. Crazy Opdyke, head of
the literary bureau, stood by the lantern directing the proclamations
to be flashed on the sheet that hung from the opposite house.
Hickey and Macnooder posted the orators at strategic windows, supplying
them with compressed arguments in the form of eggs and soft apples.
"All ready?" said Opdyke as Hickey returned, chuckling.
"Ready and willing," said Hickey.
"Here they come," said the Big Man.
"Is the Kennedy and the Woodhull with them?" asked Hickey.
"Sure, they're trailing on behind," said Turkey.
A yell of defiance burst from the head of the procession as it reached
the headquarters of the enemy.
"Start the literature," said Crazy.
Egghead, at the lantern, slipped in the first slides, flashing them on
the opposite sheet.
IT'S ALL OVER, BOYS
FEDERALISM IS IN THE SOUP
FEDERALISTS
THE UPPER HOUSE MYRMIDONS
THE DAVIS JAYHAWKERS
THE WOODHULL SORE HEADS
THE KENNEDY MUCKERS
ANTI-FEDERALISTS
THE ROUSE INVINCIBLES
THE CLEVE INDEPENDENTS
THE GRISWOLD INTELLECTUALS
THE GREEN MUGWUMPS
THE DICKINSON SCHOLARS
THE HAMILL MISSIONARIES
GOOD-BYE, FEDS! GOOD-BYE!
"Now for a few personal references," said Crazy, smiling happily at the
howls that greeted his first effort. "Egghead, shove them right along."
Another series was put forth:
WHY, WOODHULL, DID WE STEAL
YOUR ICE CREAM?
IS TOUGH MCCARTHY'S GANG OF
BALLOT-STUFFERS WITH YOU?
WE ARE NOT FOURTH-FORM PUPPY
DOGS
HELLO, TOUGH, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO
BE A PUPPY DOG?
"What are they shouting now?" said Hickey, peering over at the
turbulent chaos below.
"They are re-questing us to come out!" said the Egghead.
The night was filled with the shrieks of the helpless Feds.
"Come out!"
"We dare you to come out!"
"Come out, you Dickinson Goo-Goos."
"Why, they're really getting excited," said Hickey. "They're hopping
right up and down."
"We will give them a declaration of principles," said Crazy. "Egghead,
give them the principles; Hickey, notify the orators to prepare the
compressed arguments. The word is 'BIFF.'"
Hickey went tumbling upstairs; the Egghead delivered the new series.
WHY, FEDS, DON'T GET PEEVISH
THIS IS AN ORDERLY CAMPAIGN
A QUIET, ORDERLY CAMPAIGN
REMEMBER, WE MUST UPLIFT THE
NATION
Outside, the chorus of hoots and cat-calls gave way to a steady
rhythmic chant:
GOO-GOOS, GOO-GOOS, GOO-GOOS!
"How unjust!" said Crazy, sadly. "We must clear ourselves; we must nail
the lie--in a quiet, orderly way! Let her go, Egghead; Cheyenne, give
Hickey the cue."
On the sheet suddenly flashed out:
WE ARE GOO-GOOS, ARE WE? =BIFF!=
At the same moment, from a dozen windows descended a terrific
broadside of middle-aged eggs, assorted vegetables and squashy fruit.
The Federalist forces, utterly off their guard, dripping with egg and
tomato, vanished like a heap of leaves before a whirlwind, while from
the Anti-Federalist houses exultant shrieks of victory burst forth.
"If we are to be called Goo-Goos," said Crazy, proudly, "we have, at
least, made Goo-Goo a term of honour."
"To-morrow should be a very critical day in the campaign," said
Macnooder, pensively.
"I suggest that on account of the uncertain state of the weather," said
Hickey, wisely, "all window-blinds should be closed and locked."
"I think," said Cheyenne, "that we had better march to chapel in close
formation."
"Are there any more arguments left?" said Crazy.
"Quite a number."
"They must be delivered to-night," said Crazy, firmly. "No egg shall be
allowed to spoil--in this house."
* * * * *
At eleven o'clock that night, as the head master sat in his room in
distant Boston, giving the last touches to the address which he had
prepared for the following day on the "Experiment of Self-Government
and Increased Individual Responsibility in Primary Education," the
following telegram was handed to him:
Come back instantly. School in state of anarchy. Rioting and pillaging
unchecked. Another day may be too late. Baldwin's course in political
education.
BARONSON.
When the Doctor, after a night's precipitous travel, drove on to the
campus he had left picturesque and peaceful but a few days before, he
could hardly believe his eyes. The circle of houses was stained and
spotted with the marks of hundreds of eggs and the softer vegetables.
From almost every upper window a banner (often ripped to shreds) or a
mutilated proclamation was displayed. Proclamations blossomed on every
tree, couched in vitriolic language. Two large groups of embattled
boys, bearing strange banners, were converging across the campus, with
haggard, hysterical faces, fists clenched and muscles strung in nervous
tension, waiting the shock of the approaching clash.
The Doctor sprang from the buggy and advanced toward chapel with
determined, angry strides. At the sight of the familiar figure a swift
change went over the two armies, on the point of flying at each other's
throats. The most bloodthirsty suddenly quailed, the most martial
scowls gave place to looks of innocence. In the twinkling of an eye
every banner had disappeared, and the two armies, breaking formation,
went meekly and fearfully into chapel.
The Doctor from his rostrum looked down upon the school. Under his
fierce examination every glance fell to the hymn-book.
"Young gentlemen of the Lawrenceville School, I will say just one
word," began the head master. "This political campaign will STOP, NOW,
_AT ONCE_!" He paused at the spectacle of row on row of blooming eyes
and gory features, and, despite himself, his lips twitched.
In an instant the first ranks began to titter, then a roar of
laughter went up from the pent-up, hysterical boys. They laughed
until they sobbed, for the first time aware of the ridiculousness of
the situation. Then as the Doctor, wisely refraining from further
discourse, dismissed them, they swayed out on the campus where the
Davis fell into the arms of the Dickinson, and Fed and Anti-Fed rolled
with laughter on the ground.
When Hickey, that afternoon, brazenly sought out Mr. Baldwin, a certain
staccato note in the greeting caused a dozen careful phrases to die on
his tongue.
"Don't hesitate, Hicks," said Baldwin, smiling coldly.
"I came, sir," said Hicks, looking down, "I came--that is, I--Mr.
Baldwin, sir, I'm sorry it turned out such a failure."
"Of course, Hicks," said Baldwin, softly, "of course. It must be a
great disappointment--to you. But it is not a failure, Hicks. On the
contrary, it has been a great success--this campaign of education. I
have learned greatly. By the way, Hicks, kindly announce to the class
that I shall change my method of hearing recitations. I have a new
system--based on the latest discoveries in the laws of probability.
Announce also an examination for to-morrow."
"To-morrow?" said Hickey, astounded.
"On the review--in the interest of education--my education. Don't look
down, Hicks--I cherish no resentment against you--none at all."
"Against me?" said Hickey, aggrieved.
"My feelings are of gratitude and affection only. You have been
the teacher and I the scholar--but----" He paused and purveyed the
persecuted Hicks with the smile of the anaconda for the canary, "but,
Hicks, my boy, whatever else may be the _indifference_ of the masters
toward your education, when you leave Lawrenceville you will not be
weak in--mathematics."
[Illustration: chapter title decoration--THE MARTYRDOM OF WILLIAM HICKS]
THE MARTYRDOM OF WILLIAM HICKS
Hickey had now reached the height of his fame. Intoxicated by success,
he forgot all prudence, or rather his revolt became an appetite that
demanded constant feeding. He no longer concealed his past exploits, he
even went so far as to announce the escapades he planned.
"You are running your head into the noose, Hickey, my boy," said
Macnooder, sadly; "every master in the school has got his eye on you."
"I know it," said Hickey proudly, "but they've got to catch me."
"Your position is different," objected Macnooder, "now you are
suspected. And do you want me to tell you the truth? Your trick about
the clappers was too clever. If you could imagine that, you were at the
bottom of other things. That's what the Doctor will say to himself when
he thinks it over."
"The Doctor plays square," retorted Hickey; "he won't do anything on
suspicion. Let him try and catch me, let them all try. If they get me
fair and square, I'll take my punishment. I say, Doc, just you wait.
I've got something up my sleeve that'll make them all sit up."
"Good Lord!" said the Egghead, who was of the party, "you don't mean
you're going on?"
"Egghead," said Hickey, impressively, "I've made up my mind that I just
can't live without doing one thing more!"
"Heavens, Hickey! what now?"
"I've got a craving, Egghead, to sleep in Tabby's bed."
"No!"
"Fact."
"What do you mean?"
"Just that. I intend to sleep, not just pop in and out, to _sleep_ two
hours in Tabby's nice, white, little bed."
"Gee whiz, Hickey! When?"
"Some night that's coming pretty soon."
"When Tabby's away----"
"No, sir, when Tabby's here--after Tabby himself has been in it. After
that I'm going to get back at Big Brother."
"You're crazy!"
"I'm backing my feelings."
"You'll bet on it?"
"As much as you want."
The scornful Egghead, thus provoked, offered ten to one against him.
Hickey accepted at once.
During the day the news spread and the bets came flying in. As to his
plans, Hickey preserved a cloaked mystery, promising only that the feat
should take place within the fortnight.
Each night toward midnight, he slipped out of Sawtelle's window
(Sawtelle being sworn to deadly secrecy). He remained out an hour,
sometimes two, and came back sleepy and chuckling. About this time the
report began to spread that burglars were in the vicinity.
The Gutter Pup, who roomed on the first floor of the Woodhull, took
a solemn oath that having been waked up by a strange scratching
noise at his window, he had seen four masked figures with bull's-eye
lanterns scurrying away. The next report came from Davis with added
picturesqueness. The school became wrought up to an extraordinary
pitch of excitement in which even the masters joined after a period of
incredulity.
When the proper stage of frenzy arrived, Hickey took into his
confidence a dozen allies.
At exactly two o'clock on a moonless night, Beauty Sawtelle, waiting,
watch in hand, gave a horrid shriek and sent a baseball bat crashing
through his window, where he afterward swore four masked faces had
glared in on him. At the same time the Egghead raised his window and
emptied a revolver into the air, shouting:
"Thieves, thieves, there they go!"