A Few Last Words.--The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and
hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them.
CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 19, 1866.
Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that
"farewell" is the saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst.
It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryin
about with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev
never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it,
under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz
inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, a
victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid
testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property
bein found in my possession (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly
asshoored em that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it
must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustin
open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I
asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence,--hevin bin fed on bread
and water,--the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all
onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the
eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent
and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and
sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary,
after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issue
between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in
the matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen
uv my beloved country,--that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless
that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be
easy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil,--when I emerged
from them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge
uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say "Farewell" to
the grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way
captivity? Nary.
These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hed
to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not
here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I
think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a
place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the
nite,--
"Foldin my tent like the Arab,
And ez silently steelin away,"
hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony uv
landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnis
uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins.
Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence sayin Farewell at this
time. I wood like to continyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go on
pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited States wuz thoroughly
indoctrinatid with _my_ Dimocrisy. But it is impossible.
I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and never
surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in
sich a state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev slipt from our
grasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The
Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the black
banner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States which we kin control
onfortinitly ain't got no voice in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv
Maine, and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv the Dimocrisy
holler to us uv the South, "Be firm! we'll stand by yoo!" and from the
rich cotton fields uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the
North, "Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to yoo!" all uv wich is very
cheerin, when them uv the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be
unable to elect a township constable, and them in the South hain't got
no vote at all!
I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders, to the Dimocrisy to
remain firm. Suthin will come in time,--what, I can't, with any degree
uv certinty, now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot
alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective
individooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin
their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot into that state uv
dissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hangin
onto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz
wat they called a prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they
elected Linkin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment it hed so
long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner
ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough to
see that throo. Now, still for the principle wich welded em doorin the
war, they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil they think
this question wich they are disposin of is disposed of. Then they will
split up, and our openin is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they
can't win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for
Jaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry
who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can't
be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls!
don't know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does
uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn
hidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go
barefoot in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and
damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic
citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and who live in mortal
fear uv nigger ekality; and we hev John Morrissey's constitooents.
These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't faze. They like to
abooze the Goverment for levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into
the idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto em; and they
oppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes em, like laudnum, to think that
there is somebody in the country lower down than themselves. The
Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will.
Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv the pressure now bearin
onto em, will grow fractious, and split, and these classes will hev no
trouble to git into a majority, and then our time comes.
The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, and
Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will,
but not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the nigger is not
yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodent
git one uv em within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em,
when they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources
yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us. When
he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now,--when the prejoodis is so far
removed ez to invest him with the suffrage,--then WE'LL give him the
ballot,--WE'LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll make him vote with
us. The Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv
sosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware
and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef the
nigger gets the ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn beyond
peradvencher.
Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned up to swallerin the
nigger, we kin compermise on the Mexican. That country Johnson hez his
eagle eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it. Wat a glorious
prospeck opens to us! Mexico wood cut up into at least twenty States,
wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood
hold for years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers
ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers
there with their spellin books, they'd end their labors by lettin a
knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put a
check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees
lower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers, but then they ain't
niggers, and we cood marry em without feelin that we'd degraded
ourselves. Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss we hev
Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv Ham, and that they ain't
labrin under. Mexico affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uv
material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid, and but few
mishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her.
Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's a brite day a
dawnin. We hev now the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachment
kin take em from us for two years. We may be beaten in 1868; it may be
that our managin men promised the nominashen to our present Head--A.
JOHNSON; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin, we kin console
ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it, and we kin go on
hopin for the good time that must come.
Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally to
be glorified. Let us remember that all the majorities agin us don't
change the fact that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back to her
mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or some one uv them possels,
remarked, "Servance, obey yoor masters," and that, under Ablishn rool,
we are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers. Let us still cherish
the faith that evenchooally, when reason returns, the Amerikin people
will not throw away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv labor
imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the garden, ez the Dimocrisy
served in the army, by substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeck
end. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv
wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and a ornament for thirty years,
triumph, and the position wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary
to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps, and layin off the
armor uv actooal warfare, I shel rest in that haven uv worn-out
patriots,--a perpetooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened! Farewell!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).