A Cabinet Meeting.--Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar,
Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his
Reputation.--A Sad Time at the White House.
CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 7, 1866.
I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, to
comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact,--the
sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and
arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence
the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over.
Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her
mournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;
but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin.
The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv
sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a
variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days.
I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.
The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he
had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good
Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin
anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the
present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent
supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered
stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be
obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard
for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good
opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a
hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed
the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested,
ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be
known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a
supporter thereof.
"I do this," sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in the
confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez
seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.
"Trooly yoors," et settry.
The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence,
wich wuz broken by the President.
"Let him pass," sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post
offisis, "let him pass. But here is another," sed he, bustin into teers;
"read that."
It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some
reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same
effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he
esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied
by the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin--
"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis I
fill;" and he bust into a fresh flood.
--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot
cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back
foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited
face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he
must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz
not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige
Yoors trooly, ez before.
I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle
wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him
in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a
company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the
next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but
now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz
no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company
yoonited in minglin their teers.
The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz
from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office
he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed bin
wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted
Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country,
hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and
besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It
wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere
to the President; but--
"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speak
uv HIS reputashen!"
"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my
feelins ez it may be," sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:--
"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him
who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in
opposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this
course. I remain
"'Yoors Trooly.'"
There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President
to remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN
HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post
Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his
circulashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to
wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knife
couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz
from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo
York.
Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he
felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he
washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed
seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed
tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave.
Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy
coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the
election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger,
wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the
Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him
that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for
the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel
reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and
hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He
hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and
won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz
satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him,
for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a
development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin
already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he
desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he
wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis,
and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HIS
REPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it.
And this epistle wuz dooly signed,
his
JOHN × MORRISSEY, M.C.
mark.
There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom
wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed
eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one
present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and
one by one they all departed.
It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no one
hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo
prevented me. "I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed
that his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury
his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all
but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which
accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull,
dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers,
which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his
ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon,
that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv
satisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant.
"Troo," gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a couple
uv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and
re-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a
troubled slumber.
It wuz a tetchin occasion.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).