"My lords," sed I, "none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because we
left the landmarks--that's wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat
hed we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz
squelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the
abstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent be
indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't run a party on em,
because there ain't enough uv em.
"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a
while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished
for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned
down there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo
coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that
didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin
uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our
mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and
hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that
we went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that we
strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the NIGGER not made the central
figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its
refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following
one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin
stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, I
ejaculated,--
"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER?'
"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst.
"'Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'
"'No! no!'
"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?'
"'Yes! yes!'
"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to
vote, beside a nigger?'
"'No! no!'
"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied,--
"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, the
Demekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez
to constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they
suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But nigger they kin all
understand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told
that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior
race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years.
Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded in
awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other
issues, we failed to get?
"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is,
the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody still
poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who
see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the
flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,--who, ef niggers
wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail
uv one,--is the most ardent friends of Slavery.
"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the
result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do?
The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The
Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor
do nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves,
and wuz disgusted accordinly.
"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yoo
kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the
offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and
that's the nigger; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez the
nigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the
party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for
tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens
uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated.
His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern
substitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin
persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to
the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen.
Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and
it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased
precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy
is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction.
"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen elected
this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo
do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York may
change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and
it increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in
glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two
years, and then farewell to our greatness.
"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save
enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv
my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flote
down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the
struggle. I hev sed."
The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to
say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in
sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no
one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).