Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention.--That
Beautiful City visited for that Purpose.
POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 20, 1866.
I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at
the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv
the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev sworn
allejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and
life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev bin
the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a
Cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity
uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so
stated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that
party. "And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoo
hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em up
for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest,
unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor
never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try
yoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all," continyood he, in a
musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "the
fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held
'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens!
they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on
suthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days," paying no more attention to
the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.
So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret service
fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip
thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond
expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to
the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant
remembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, with
nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft in
his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the
constitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor;
there wuz--but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom,
or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to
say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, the
scen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved.
The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a
informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the
crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though
he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan,
with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he
hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin;
and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves
in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet,
owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't.
They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'
why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an
alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin
service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one
uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I
knowd all about it.
There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me.
Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed bin
recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I
notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez
I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for
a hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry,
fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the
latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin
the policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunists
with more emphasis and fervency than the others.
One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and
hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin
his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy
matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently,
my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my
commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git
yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it."
"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the
task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"
"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?"
murmured I.
"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev bin
solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it only
that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv
restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36
stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat
is the Saviour, and--and where is--"
Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a
quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and
knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz
originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood
uv his elokence.
"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your
apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other
Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this
blather won't fetch it a minit sooner."
"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev
to buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral
cussedness turns _my_ stummick!"
It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon Kernel
K----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz
ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle
struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed
bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile
in three diffrent prizns.
Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz
shoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the
policy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?
"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his
policy, and I don't want no office!!"
"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus.
"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"
"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with
wonder.
"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's
Island!"
Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very
helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his
presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved
him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood
him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all
the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I
afterwards ascertained.
The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens
bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin
brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an
animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to
ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz made
temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent
extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING made
another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we
adjourned for dinner.
[Illustration: THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION.]
The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors
uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner,
wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv
manuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hed
conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel
over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to
prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv
manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down a
few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This
occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen
every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast
coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.
I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition
West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv
the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In
vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White
House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed
no influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens for
places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my
takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do
nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv
man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do
it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.
Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took
it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and
startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a
sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.
P.S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean
shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be
read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech,
and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by
eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864.
The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.