"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin
Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second,
and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out,
partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with
him--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv
the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five
games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther
ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in
regler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neck
handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head.
While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin
Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--"
_The Court_.--Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?
_Witness_.--Certainly.
_The Court_.--The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.
_Witness_.--They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the
bar, and drank together.
_By the Court_.--Did they drink together?
_Witness_.--They ondeniably did.
_By myself_.--The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they
absorbed.
_Witness_.--Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he's
got, ez the Court very well knows.
_By myself_.--The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor the
identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with
thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to
know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important
one for the Court to know.
A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the
Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the
Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky.
Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that
trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal.
I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation
he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed
him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church
and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin
nigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham
wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his
brethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built
upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicated
equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves
to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother
Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve
sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speak
up, Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet severely.
Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest
member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied,--
"That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified
in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!"
"But shoorly," I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come in
with the nigger arm-in-arm,--a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not
affeckshun."
_The Prisoner_.--The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks,
and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm,
fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are
slippery.
Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the
charge as unfounded and frivolous.
"My brethren," sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not only
justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust
by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is the
descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef
Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the
balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it
is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So
it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and
delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force
we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the nigger to
furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we
are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do
with whips and dorgs.
"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that
nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the
heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where
skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the
Anglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.
"Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The case
is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!"
The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted,
is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.