A Dream.--The Corpse of Republicanism.--Who the Mourners were, and how
they felt.--The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that
followed.
CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 30, 1866.
I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed
become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment
money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while
I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President,
wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when
a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a
credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore
I went to Washinton.
Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to
consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General,
who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I
succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint
wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.
"Well," sed he.
"Honerd and spected sir," said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfis
at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does
not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and
honered sir," sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I
shood name em both Policy."
"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep.
"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I.
"Well," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT A
PARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!"
"Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can't
account, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented
Confedrit servis."
"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out,
yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I
didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House.
In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for
the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed
consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not
heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on
the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.
I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched
out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size
and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon.
Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword,
considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.
"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a
attendant.
"Them," replied he, "is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was a
hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are
a comin to divide his clothes."
And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which
the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and
clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out
uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put
to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle,
and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and
Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv
others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.
"He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his
eyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I
insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv
a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868," from
which hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me that
pizened him, this is mine."
"Nary," sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine."
"Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits it
must remember that this Secretaryship is mine."
"And I," sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my assistance, this little affair
marked 'St. James,' for my seat in the Senit is a goner."
"For my part," sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Its
worth em all to wear this collar."
"My friends," sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. There
must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the
funeral."
Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin
perfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd
control it, any way.
Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the
place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted
this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the
corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to
hev in the new deal, "for," sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo
all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure the
shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed
he, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in a
tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill
Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon,
uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis,
who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their
fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life,
and desisted.
Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from the
first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same,
and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the
Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled.
The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to
them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin
a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a
blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and
blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran
through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to
the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his
feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like
insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's
hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him
gently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to,
but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he.
"Willyum," sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this
bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez for
yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in
your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the
tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this
rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and
stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle
chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern
windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a
snuff uv fresh air, for I--"
At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on
the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich
didn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic
confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the
mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook,
without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he
in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves
administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the
assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.