[Illustration: DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER?]
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed
"Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink
uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz
ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv
bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride
revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv
the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with the
assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped me
tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.
I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly
killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a
constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together a
highly respectable awjience last Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out
ez follows:--
"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal
condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in
close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal
biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its
been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite,
a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick
absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is
sin, and the ache is the penalty.
"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the
shadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the
assessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic
party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text.
When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz
elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--"
At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house
ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick
which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd
punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on.
"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat.
The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and
the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin.
Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that
righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv
tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev
elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground
along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style
we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his
ghost coodent watch the half uv them.
"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. The
old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'The
Treasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin it
has experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected
Poke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent
compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made a
contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in
Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton
Democricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv the
text, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy
installments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us.
"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and
wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, and
skores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected.
The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the
ring, and wat a skatterin ensood.
"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work
uv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. After
Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers.
Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon
hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves,
wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and
we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to
rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the
Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke.
Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun
by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic
firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot
in gloom.
"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went
to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and
the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is
dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev
stunk her to death.
"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent
our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the
skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to
hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid
for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us
with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us
in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here
hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds
through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show
for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv
death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin
to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant
preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm
dun."
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismist
the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich
prejudiced men aint present.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.