There is a vacancy in the mind uv the public for jist sich a book ez
this, else it had never bin published. There is a vacancy in my pockit
for the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slung
together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to time
flung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful
public and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.
I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't
bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the
standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv
the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us
uncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez
well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period
uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their
rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely
precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that
peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the
olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to
keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there
are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed
got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that
crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides
loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd
make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich,
owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!
But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I
wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well
enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit,
and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence,
preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the
children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz
forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin
em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off,
owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb
wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer
liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only
steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let
Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv the
oath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all till
one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees
in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty
forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and
by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint
uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The
oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv the
stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I
arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty,
I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and
I hev kept my oath.
I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence the
time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little
oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's
Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house
within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the
grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but alars! I
wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gersey
bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and at
Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There
I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me
thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, and
went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up,
and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit × Roads, I feel
that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The
aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a
supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r
rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they
git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv
them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can't
disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fair
to continyoo so.
Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in
the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis,
with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a
distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where
I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within
site uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic
nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half
dozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want?
I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel
sale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy.
It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed
wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They
reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his
history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week.
Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with
much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top
wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv
despondency and despair.
I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes and
fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may
not--'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, one
thing I am certin uv, to wit: I am a reglerly commissioned P.M.; and
while the approval of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl life
and sweeten the whisky wich the salary purchases, the frowns uv the said
public can't redoose me to the walks uv private life. They can't frown
me out uv offis, nor frown P.M. General Randall's name off my commishn.