know not, unless I was the epitome of the folly of this world. I thought
myself only an agent to support all the frippery and finery of
_Tavistock-street_; but, however, I received many compliments on the
figure I made; and some people of the first fashion pronounced me to be
quite the thing. They say, one may believe the women when they praise
one of their own sex, and Miss Finch said, I had contrived to heighten
and improve every charm with which Nature had endowed me. Sir William
seemed to tread on air, to see and hear the commendations which were
lavished on me from all sides. To a man of his taste, I am no more than
any fashionable piece of furniture or new equipage; or, what will come
nearer our idea of things, a beautiful prospect, which a man fancies he
shall never be tired of beholding, and therefore builds himself an house
within view of it; by that time he is fixed, he hardly remembers what
was his motive, nor ever feels any pleasure but in pointing out its
various perfections to his guests; his vanity is awhile gratified, but
even that soon loses its _goût_; and he wonders how others can be
pleased with objects now grown familiar, and, consequently, indifferent
to him. But I am running quite out of the course. Suppose me now
dressed, and mingling with a fantastic groupe of all kinds of forms and
figures, striving to disengage my eyes from the throng, to single out my
Sylph. Our usual party was there; Miss Finch, Lady Barton, a distant
relation of her's, the Baron, Lord Biddulph, and some others; but it was
impossible to keep long together. Sometimes I found myself with one;
then they were gone, and I was _tête-à-tête_ with somebody else; for a
good while I observed a mask, who looked like a fortune-teller, followed
me about, particularly when the Baron and Miss Finch were with me. I
thought I must say something, so I asked him if he would tell me my
fortune. "Go into the next room," said he, in a whisper, "and you shall
see one more learned in the occult science than you think; but I shall
say no more while you are surrounded with so many observers." Nothing is
so easy as to get away from your company in a crowd: I slipped from
them, and went into a room which was nearly empty, and still followed by
the conjuror. I seated myself on a sopha, and just turned my head round,
when I perceived the most elegant creature that imagination can form
placed by me. I started, half-breathless with surprize. "Be not alarmed,
my Julia," said the phantom, (for such I at first thought it) "be not
alarmed at the appearance of your Sylph." He took my hand in his, and,
pressing it gently, speaking all the while in a soft kind of whisper,
"Does my amiable charge repent her condescension in teaching me to
believe she would be pleased to see her faithful adherent?" I begged him
to attribute my tremor to the hurry of spirits so new a scene excited,
and, in part, to the pleasure his presence afforded me. But, before I
proceed, I will describe his dress: his figure in itself seems the most
perfect I ever saw; the finest harmony of shape; a waistcoat and
breeches of silver tissue, exactly fitted to his body; buskins of the
same, fringed, &c.; a blue silk mantle depending from one shoulder, to
which it was secured by a diamond epaulette, falling in beautiful folds
upon the ground; this robe was starred all over with plated silver,
which had a most brilliant effect; on each shoulder was placed a
transparent wing of painted gauze, which looked like peacocks feathers;
a cap, suitable to the whole dress, which was certainly the most elegant
and best contrived that can be imagined. I gazed on him with the most
perfect admiration. Ah! how I longed to see his face, which the envious
mask concealed. His hair hung in sportive ringlets; and just carelessly
restrained from wandering too far by a white ribband. In more, the most
luxuriant fancy could hardly create a more captivating object. When my
astonishment a little subsided, I found utterance. "How is it possible I
should be so great a favourite of fortune as to interest you in my
welfare?" "We have each our task allotted us," he answered, "from the
beginning of the world, and it was my happy privilege to watch over your
destiny." "I speak to you as a man," said I, "but you answer only as a
Sylph."
"Believe me," he replied, "it is the safest character I can assume. I
must divest myself of my feelings as a _man_, or I should be too much
enamoured to be serviceable to you: I shut my eyes to the beauties of
your person, which excites tumultuous raptures in the chastest bosom,
and only allow myself the free contemplation of your interior
perfections. There your virtue secures me, and renders my attachment as
pure as your own pure breast. I could not, however, resist this
opportunity of paying my personal _devoir_ to you, and yet I feel too
sensibly I shall be a sufferer from my indulgence; but I will never
forget that I am placed over you as your guardian-angel and protector,
and that my sole business on earth is to secure you from the wiles and
snares which are daily practised against youth and beauty. What does my
excellent pupil say? Does she still chearfully submit herself to my
guidance?" While he spoke this, he had again taken my hand, and pressed
it with rapture to his bosom, which, beating with violence, I own caused
no small emotion in mine. I gently withdrew my hand, and said, with as
composed a voice as I could command, "Yes, my Sylph, I do most readily
resign myself to your protection, and shall never feel a wish to put any
restriction on it, while I am enabled to judge of you from your own
criterion; while virtue presides over your lessons; while your
instructions are calculated to make me a good and respectable character,
I can form no wish to depart from them." He felt the delicacy of the
reproof, and, sighing, said, "Let me never depart from that sacred
character! Let me still remember I am your Sylph! But I believe I have
before said, a time may come when you will no longer stand in need of my
interposition. Shall I own to you, I sicken at the idea of my being
useless to you?" "The time can never arrive in which you will not be
serviceable to me, or, at least, when I shall not be inclined to ask and
follow your advice." "Amiable Julia! may I venture to ask you this
question? If fate should ever put it in your power to make a second
choice, would you consult your Sylph?" "Hear me," cried I, "while I give
you my hand on it, and attest heaven to witness my vow: that if I should
have the fate (which may that heaven avert!) to outlive Sir William, I
will abide by your decision; neither my hand nor affections shall be
disposed of without your concurrence. My obligations to you are
unbounded; my confidence in you shall likewise be the same; I can make
no other return than to resign myself solely to your guidance in that
and every other concern of moment to me."
"Are you aware of what you have said, Lady Stanley?"
"It is past recall," I answered; "and if the vow could return again into
my bosom, it should only be to issue thence more strongly ratified."
"Oh!" cried he, clasping his hands together, "Oh! thou merciful Father,
make me but worthy of this amiable, and most excellent of all thy
creatures' confidence! None but the most accurst of villains could abuse
such goodness. The blameless purity and innocent simplicity of your
heart would make a convert of a libertine." "Alas!" said I, "that, I
fear, is impossible; but how infinitely happy should I be, if my utmost
efforts could work the least reformation in my husband! Could I but
prevail on him to quit this destructive place, and retire into the
peaceful country, I should esteem myself a fortunate woman."
"And could you really quit these gay scenes, nor _cast one longing
lingering look behind?_"
"Yes," I replied with vivacity, "nor even cast a thought on
what I had left behind!"
"Would no one be remembered with a tender regret? Would your Sylph be
entirely forgotten?"
"My Sylph," I answered, "is possessed of the power of omnipresence; he
would still be with me, wherever I went."
"And would no other ever be thought of? You blush, Lady Stanley; the
face is the needle which points to the polar-star, the heart; from that
information, may I not conclude, some one, whom you would leave behind,
would mix with your ideas in your retirement, and that, even in
solitude, you would not be alone?"
I felt my cheeks glow while he spoke; but, as I was a mask, I did not
suppose the Sylph could discover the emotion his discourse caused.
"Since," said I in a faultering voice, "you are capable of reading my
heart, it is unnecessary to declare its sentiments to you; but it would
be my purpose, in retirement, to obliterate every idea which might
conduce to rob my mind of peace; I should endeavour to reform as well as
my husband; and if he would oblige me by such a compliance to my will, I
should think I could do no less than seek to amuse him, and should,
indeed, devote my whole time and study to that purpose."
"You may think I probe too deep: but is not your desire of retirement
stronger, since you have conceived the idea of the Baron's entertaining
a _penchant_ for Miss Finch, than it has been heretofore?"
I sighed--"Indeed you do probe very deep; and the pain you cause is
exquisite: but I know it is your friendly concern for me; and it proves
how needful it is to apply some remedy for the wound, the examination of
which is so acute. Instruct me, ought I to wish him married? Should I be
happier if he was so? And if he married Miss Finch, should I not be as
much exposed to danger as at present, for his amiable qualities are more
of the domestic kind?"
"I hardly know how to answer to these interrogatories; nor am I a judge
of the heart and inclinations of the Baron; only thus much: if you have
ever had any cause to believe him impressed with your idea, I cannot
suppose it possible for Miss Finch, or any other woman, to obliterate
that idea. But, _the heart of man is deceitful above all things_. For
the sake of your interest, I wish Sir William would adopt your plan,
though I have my doubts that his affairs are not in the power of any
ceconomy to arrange; and this consideration urges me to enforce what I
have before advised, that you do not surrender up any farther part of
your jointure, as _that_ may, too soon, be your sole support; and I have
seen a recent proof of what mean subterfuges some men are necessitated
to fly to, in order to extricate themselves for a little time. But the
room fills; our conversation may be noticed; and, in this age of
dissipation and licentiousness, to escape censure we must not stray
within the limits of impropriety. Your having been so long _tête-à-tête_
with any character will be observed. Adieu therefore for the
present--see, Miss Finch is approaching." I turned my eye towards the
door; the Sylph rose--I did the same--he pressed my hand on his quitting
it; I cast my eye round, but I saw him no more; how he escaped my view I
know not. Miss Finch by this time bustled through the crowd, and asked
me where I had been, and whether I had seen the Baron, whom she had
dispatched to seek after me?
The Baron then coming up, rallied me for hiding myself from the party,
and losing a share of merriment which had been occasioned by two
whimsical masks making themselves very ridiculous to entertain the
company. I assured them I had not quitted that place after I missed them
in the great room; but, however, adding, that I had determined to wait
there till some of the party joined me, as I had not courage to venture
a _tour_ of the rooms by myself. To be sure all this account was not
strictly true; but I was obliged to make some excuse for my behaviour,
which otherwise might have caused some suspicion. They willingly
accompanied me through every room, but my eyes could no where fix on the
object they were in search of, and therefore returned from their survey
dissatisfied. I complained of fatigue, which was really true, for I had
no pleasure in the hurry and confusion of the multitude, and it grew
late. I shall frighten you, Louisa, by telling you the hour; but we did
not go till twelve at night. I soon met with Sir William, and on my
expressing an inclination to retire, to my great astonishment, instead
of censuring, he commended my resolution, and hasted to the door to
procure my carriage. When you proceed, my dear Louisa, you will wonder
at my being able to pursue, in so methodical a manner, this little
narrative; but I have taken some time to let my thoughts subside, that I
might not anticipate any circumstance of an event that may be productive
of very serious consequences. Well then, pleased as I was with Sir
William's ready compliance with my request of returning, suppose me
seated in my chair, and giving way to some hopes that he would yet see
his errors, and some method be pitched on to relieve all. He was ready
to hand me out of the chair, and led me up stairs into my dressing-room.
I had taken off my mask, as it was very warm; he still kept his on, and
talked in the same kind of voice he practised at the masquerade. He paid
me most profuse compliments on the beauty of my dress, and, throwing his
arms round my waist, congratulated himself on possessing such an angel,
at the same time kissing my face and bosom with such a strange kind of
eagerness as made me suppose he was intoxicated; and, under that idea,
being very desirous of disengaging myself from his arms, I struggled to
get away from him. He pressed me to go to bed; and, in short, his
behaviour was unaccountable: at last, on my persisting to intreat him to
let me go, he blew out one of the candles. I then used all my force, and
burst from him, and at that instant his mask gave way; and in the dress
of my husband, (Oh, Louisa! judge, if you can, of my terror) I beheld
that villain Lord Biddulph.
"Curse on my folly!" cried he, "that I could not restrain my raptures
till I had you secure."
"Thou most insolent of wretches!" said I, throwing the most contemptuous
looks at him, "how dared you assume the dress of my husband, to treat me
with such indignity?" While I spoke, I rang the bell with some violence.
He attempted to make some apology for his indiscretion, urging the force
of his passion, the power of my charms, and such stuff.
I stopped him short, by telling him, the only apology I should accept
would be his instantly quitting the house, and never insulting me again
with his presence. With a most malignant sneer on his countenance, he
said, "I might indeed have supposed my caresses were disagreeable, when
offered under the character of an husband; I had been more blest, at
least better received, had I worn the dress of the Baron. All men, Lady
Stanley, are not so blind as Sir William." I felt myself ready to expire
with confusion and anger at his base insinuation.
"Your hint," said I, "is as void of truth as you are of honour; I
despise both equally; but would advise you to be cautious how you dare
traduce characters so opposite to your own."
By this time a servant came in; and the hateful wretch walked off,
insolently wishing me a good repose, and humming an Italian air, though
it was visible what chagrin was painted on his face. Preston came into
the room, to assist me in undressing:--she is by no means a favourite of
mine; and, as I was extremely fatigued and unable to sit up, I did not
chuse to leave my door open till Sir William came home, nor did I care
to trust her with the key. I asked for Winifred. She told me, she had
been in bed some hours. "Let her be called then," said I. "Can't I do
what your ladyship wants?"
"No; I chuse to have Win sit with me." "I will attend your ladyship, if
you please."
"It would give me more pleasure if you would obey, than dispute my
orders." I was vexed to the soul, and spoke with a peevishness unusual
to me. She went out of the room, muttering to herself. I locked the
door, terrified lest that monster had concealed himself somewhere in the
house; nor would I open it till I heard Win speak. Poor girl! she got up
with all the chearfulness in the world, and sat by my bed-side till
morning, Sir William not returning the whole night. My fatigue, and the
perturbation of mind I laboured under, together with the total
deprivation of sleep, contributed to make me extremely ill. But how
shall I describe to you, my dear Louisa, the horror which the reflection
of this adventure excited in me?
Though I had, by the mercy of heaven, escaped the danger, yet the
apprehension it left on my mind is not, to be told; and then the tacit
apprehension which the base wretch threw on my character, by daring to
say, he had been more _welcome_ under another appearance, struck so
forcibly on my heart, that I thought I should expire, from the fears of
his traducing my fame; for what might I not expect from such a
consummate villain, who had so recently proved to what enormous lengths
he could go to accomplish his purposes? The blessing of having
frustrated his evil design could hardly calm my terrors; I thought I
heard him each moment, and the agitation of my mind operated so
violently on my frame, that my bed actually shook under me. Win suffered
extremely from her fears of my being dangerously ill, and wanted to
have my leave to send for a physician; but I too well knew it was not in
the power of medicine to administer relief to my feelings; and, after
telling her I was much better, begged her not to quit my room at any
rate.
About eleven I rose, so weak and dispirited, that I could hardly support
myself. Soon after, I heard Sir William's voice; I had scarce strength
left to speak to him; he looked pale and forlorn. I had had a conflict
within myself, whether I should relate the behaviour of Lord Biddulph to
my husband, lest the consequences should be fatal; but my spirits were
so totally exhausted, that I could not articulate a sentence without
tears. "What is the matter, Julia, with you," said he, taking my hand;
"you seem fatigued to death. What a poor rake you are!"
"I have had something more than _fatigue_ to discompose me," answered I,
sobbing; "and I think I have some reproaches to make you, for not
attending me home as you promised."
"Why Lord Biddulph promised to see you home. I saw him afterwards; and
he told me, he left you at your own house."
"Lord Biddulph!" said I, with the most scornful air; "and did he tell
you likewise of the insolence of his behaviour? Perhaps he promised you
too, that he would insult me in my own house."
"Hey-day, Julia! what's in the wind now? Lord Biddulph insult you! pray
let me into the whole of this affair?" I then related the particulars of
his impudent conduct, and what I conceived his design to be, together
with the repulse I had given him.
Sir William seemed extremely _chagrined_; and said, he should talk in a
serious manner on the occasion to Lord Biddulph; and, if his answers
were not satisfactory, he should lie under the necessity of calling him
to account in the field. Terrified lest death should be the consequence
of a quarrel between this infamous Lord and my husband, I conjured Sir
William not to take any notice of the affair, any otherwise than to give
up his acquaintance; a circumstance much wished for by me, as I have
great reason to believe, Sir William's passion for play was excited by
his intimacy with him; and, perhaps, may have led him to all the
enormities he has too readily, and too rapidly, plunged himself into. He
made no scruple to assure me, that he should find no difficulty in
relinquishing the acquaintance; and joined with me, that a silent
contempt would be the most cutting reproof to a man of his cast. On my
part, I am resolved my doors shall never grant him access again; and, if
Sir William should entirely break with him (which, after this atrocious
behaviour, I think he must), I may be very happy that I have been the
instrument, since I have had such an escape.
But still, Louisa, the innuendo of Lord Biddulph disturbs my peace. How
shall I quiet my apprehensions? Does he dare scrutinize my conduct, and
harbour suspicions of my predilection for a certain unfortunate? Base as
is his soul, he cannot entertain an idea of the purity of a virtuous
attachment! Ah! that speech of his has sunk deep in my memory; no time
will efface it. When I have been struggling too--yes, Louisa, when I
have been combating this fatal--But what am I doing? Why do I use these
interdicted expressions? I have done. Alas! what is become of my
boasting? If I cannot prescribe rules to a pen, which I can, in one
moment, throw into the fire; how shall I restrain the secret murmurings
of my mind, whose thoughts I can with difficulty silence, or even
control? Adieu! your's, more than her own,
JULIA STANLEY.
LETTER XXXVI.
TO Miss GRENVILLE.
Alas! Louisa, fresh difficulties arise every day; and every day I find
an exertion of my spirits more necessary, and myself less able to exert
them. Sir William told me this morning, that he had lost frequent sums
to Lord Biddulph (it wounds my soul to write his detested name); and
since it was prudent to give up the acquaintance, it became highly
incumbent on him to discharge these play-debts, for which purpose he
must have recourse to me, and apprehended he should find no difficulty,
as I had expressed my wish of his breaking immediately with his
lordship. This was only the prelude to a proposal of my resignation of
my marriage articles. My ready compliance with his former demands
emboldened him to be urgent with me on this occasion. At first, I made
some scruples, alledging the necessity there was of keeping something by
us for a future day, as I had too much reason to apprehend, that what I
could call my own would be all we should have to support us. This
remonstrance of mine, however just, threw Sir William into a rage; he
paced about the room like a madman; swore that his difficulties
proceeded from my damned prudery; and that I should extricate him, or
abide by the consequences. In short, Louisa, he appeared in a light
entirely new to me; I was almost petrified with terror, and absolutely
thought once he would beat me, for he came up to me with such fierce
looks, and seized me by the arm, which he actually bruised with his
grasp, and bade me, at my peril, refuse to surrender the writings to
him. After giving me a violent shake, he pushed me from him with such
force that I fell down, unable to support myself, from the trembling
with which my whole frame was possessed.
"Don't think to practise any of the cursed arts of your sex upon me;
don't pretend to throw yourself into fits."
"I scorn your imputation, Sir William," said I, half fainting and
breathless, "nor shall I make any resistance or opposition to your
leaving me a beggar. I have now reason to believe I shall not live to
want what you are determined to force from me, as these violent methods
will soon deprive me of my existence, even if _you_ would withhold the
murderous knife."
"Come, none of your damned whining; let me have the papers; and let us
not think any more about it." He offered to raise me. "I want not your
assistance," said I. "Oh! you are sulky, are you; but I shall let you
know, Madam, these airs will not do with me." I had seated myself on a
chair, and leaned my elbow on a table, supporting my head with my hand;
he snatched my hand away from my face, while he was making the last
speech. "What the devil! am I to wait all day for the papers? Where are
the keys?" "Take them," said I, drawing them from my pocket; "do what
you will, provided you leave me to myself." "Damned sex!" cried he.
"Wives or mistresses, by Heaven! you are all alike." So saying, he went
out of the room, and, opening my bureau, possessed himself of the
parchment so much desired by him. I have not seen him since, and now it
is past eleven. What a fate is mine! However, I have no more to give up;
so he cannot storm at, or threaten me again, since I am now a beggar as
well as himself. I shall sit about an hour longer, and then I shall
fasten my door for the night; and I hope he will not insist on my
opening it for him. I make Win lie in a little bed in a closet within my
room. She is the only domestic I can place the least confidence in. She
sees my eyes red with weeping; she sheds tears, but asks no questions.
Farewell, my dearest Louisa: pity the sufferings of thy sister, who
feels every woe augmented by the grief she causes in your sympathizing
breast.
Adieu! Adieu!
J.S.
LETTER XXXVII.
From the SYLPH.
I find my admonitions have failed, and my Julia has relinquished all her
future dependence. Did you not promise an implicit obedience to my
advice? How comes it then, that your husband triumphs in having the
power of still visiting the gaming-tables, and betting with the utmost
_éclat_? Settlements, as the late Lord Hardwicke used to say, are the
foolishest bonds in nature, since there never yet was a woman who might
not be kissed or kicked out of it: which of those methods Sir William
has adopted, I know not; but it is plain it was a successful one. I pity
you, my Julia; I grieve for you; and much fear, now Sir William has lost
all restraint, he will lose the appearance of it likewise. What resource
will he pursue next? Be on your guard, my most amiable friend; my
foresight deceives me, or your danger is great. For when a man can once
lose his humanity, so far as to deprive his wife of the means of
subsisting herself, I much, very much fear he will so effectually lose
his honour likewise, as to make a property of her's. May I judge too
severely! May Sir William be an exception to my rule! And oh! may you,
the fairest work of Heaven, be equally its care!
Adieu!
LETTER XXXVIII.
To the SYLPH.
Alas! I look for comfort when I open my kind Sylph's letters; yet in
this before me you only point out the shoals and quicksands--but hold
not out your sustaining hand, to guide me through the devious path. I
have disobeyed your behest; but you know not how I have been urged, and
my pained soul cannot support the repetition. I will ever be implicit in
my obedience to you, as far as _I_ am concerned only; as to this
particular point, you would not have had me disobeyed my husband, I am
sure. Indeed I could do no other than I did. If he should make an ill
use of the sums raised, I am not answerable for it; but, if he had been
driven to any fatal exigence through my refusal, my wretchedness would
have been more exquisite than it now is, which I think would have
exceeded what I could have supported. Something is in agitation now; but
what I am totally a stranger to. I have just heard from one of my
servants, that Mr. Stanley, an uncle of Sir William's, is expected in
town. Would to Heaven he may have the will and power to extricate us!
but I hear he is of a most morose temper, and was never on good terms
with his nephew. The dangers you hint at, I hope, and pray without
ceasing to Heaven, to be delivered from. Oh! that Sir William would
permit me to return to my dear father and sister! in their kind embraces
I should lose the remembrance of the tempests I have undergone; like the
poor shipwrecked mariner, I should hail the friendly port, and never,
never trust the deceitful ocean more. But ah! how fruitless this wish!
Here I am doomed to stay, a wretch undone.
Adieu!
J.S.
LETTER XXXIX.
TO Miss GRENVILLE.
The Baron called here this morning. Don't be angry with me, my dearest
Louisa, for mentioning _his_ name, this will indeed be the last time.
Never more will thy sister behold him. He is gone; yes, Louisa, I shall
never see him again. But will his looks, his sighs, and tears, be
forgotten? Oh! never, never! He came to bid me adieu, "Could I but leave
you happy," he cried in scarce articulate accents--"Was I but blest with
the remote hope of your having your merit rewarded in this world, I
should quit you with less regret and anguish. Oh! Lady Stanley! best of
women! I mean not to lay claim to your gratitude; far be such an idea
from my soul! but for your sake I leave the kingdom."