Famine in the Garrison
Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my
precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with another,
where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should
recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of
the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much
confused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.
“Why, Ghorumsaug,” said I, “what makes thee look so pale, fellow?” (He
was as white as a sheet.) “It is thy master, dost thou not remember
him?” The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan’s clothes, but was
not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have
described.
“O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!” cried the faithful fellow, “and do I
see my dear master disguised in this way? For Heaven’s sake let me rid
you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the
ballroom, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with
his roses turned into coal?”
I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which I
write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I _was_ a little vain of my
personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear
Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me
of the heathenish armour and habiliments which I wore; and having, with
a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their
black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on
the ladies; hastened, I say,—although delayed would have been the
better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
“How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?” said I, before leaving my apartment.
“He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and
myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command)
has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure.”
I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my
exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing
him of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near
the prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to
the fair creatures under my protection. “What good after all have I
done,” thought I to myself, “in this expedition which I had so rashly
undertaken?” I had seen the renowned Holkar; I had been in the heart of
his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops, that there were eleven
thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a
regular attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her
(I say _robbed_ her, and I don’t care what the reader or any other man
may think of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of
three millions sterling, the property of herself and husband.
Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and
jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat
a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her
tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would
digest anything—(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a
famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe,
as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from
either)—could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of
rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of
Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its
weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth,
wealth, what art thou? What is gold?—Soft metal. What are diamonds?—
Shining tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the
sole objects worthy of a soldier’s consideration, are beefsteaks,
gunpowder, and cold iron.
The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed,
with a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of
artillery (4 long 48’s and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass
mortar, for grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye),
and muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the
reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a
surgeon; add to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were
gentlemen (in tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had
come out merely for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such
were our numbers:-
Troops and artillerymen 40
Ladies 74
Other non-combatants 11
MAJOR-GENERAL O’G.GAHAGAN 1,000
1,125
I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the
army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an
ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths;
as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort,
against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if -
_If!_—ay, there was the rub—_if_ we had _shot_, as well as powder for
our guns; _if_ we had not only _men_ but _meat_. Of the former
commodity we had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon
my sacred honour, to feed 126 souls, we had but
Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
Of soda-water, four ditto.
Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
Raspberry cream—the remainder of two dishes.
Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust of an
old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles of
brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple of hard
eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had
seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the
table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on my
return; taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and
treasure what little sustenance still remained in it.
When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not
only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom which was
of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold
such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women
in ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming
over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged
rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins—each more
desperately melancholy and hideous than the other—each, except my
beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl
could of course never go _out_ of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily,
could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and
beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and
therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder
had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes as
I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses
mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened their
fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my
adventures in the camp—_she_, as she saw me, gave a faint scream (the
sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman!) then
started up—then made as if she would sit down—then moved backwards—then
tottered forwards—then tumbled into my—Psha! why recall, why attempt to
describe that delicious—that passionate greeting of two young hearts?
What was the surrounding crowd to _us?_ What cared we for the sneers of
the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill “Upon my word!”
of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda’s
mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms. “Goliah! my
Goliah!” said she, “my brave, my beautiful, _thou_ art returned, and
hope comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish of my soul,
during this dreadful dreadful night!” Other similar ejaculations of
love and joy she uttered; and if I _had_ perilled life in her service,
if I _did_ believe that hope of escape there was none, so exquisite was
the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this overwhelming
joy!
[The Major’s description of this meeting, which lasted at the very most
not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been
compelled to dock off twelve-and-a-half; for the whole passage, though
highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the
reader.]
As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were
giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round
with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can
sometimes put on, I shouted out, “Hark ye! men and women—I am this
lady’s truest knight—her husband I hope one day to be. I am commander,
too, in this fort—the enemy is without it; another word of
mockery—another glance of scorn—and, by Heaven, I will hurl every man
and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!” This
quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked
disrespectfully from that moment.
It was now _my_ turn to make _them_ look foolish. Mrs.
Vandegobbleschroy (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to
every person who has been in India) cried, “Well, Captain Gahagan, your
ball has been so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago,
that myself and the ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast.”
And Mrs. Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable
speech. “Oh! breakfast, breakfast, by all means,” said the rest; “we
really are dying for a warm cup of tea.”
“Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you’d like, ladies?” says I.
“Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like,” said fat Mrs. Van.
“What do you say, then, to some prime _gunpowder?_” Of course they said
it was the very thing.
“And do you like hot rowls or cowld—muffins or crumpets—fresh butter or
salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant
divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys,
and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?”
“Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,” answered they all.
“But stop,” says I. “O ladies, O ladies! O gentlemen, gentlemen! that
you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he
been without—”
“What?” said they, in a breath.
“Alas! alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole
house.”
“Well, well, we can do without it.”
“Or a single pound of coffee.”
“Never mind; let that pass too.” (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning
to look alarmed.)
“And about the kidneys—now I remember, the black divvles outside the
fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys
without them?” (Here there was a slight o-o-o!)
“And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the
cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money
or love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be
just as good.”
“Oh! just as good.”
“Only the divvle’s in the luck, there’s not a fresh egg to be had— no,
nor a fresh chicken,” continued I, “nor a stale one either; not a
tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste
in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!”
“In the name of Heaven!” said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, “what is
there, then?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll tell you what there is now,” shouted I.
“There’s
“Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer,” &c. &c. &c.
And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with
the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
“Law! Mr. Gahagan,” said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, “give me the
ham-sandwiches—I must manage to breakfast off them.”
And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
proposition! Of course I did not accede to it—why should I? I was the
commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches
for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. “Ladies,” said I, “there are
in this fort one hundred and twenty- six souls, and this is all the
food which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none—of drink
there is a tolerable quantity; and at one o’clock punctually, a glass
of wine and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men will
receive two glasses, and an olive and a fig—and this must be your food
during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and
if he be—why, still there is a chance—why do I say a chance?—_a
certainty_ of escaping from the hands of these ruffians.”
“Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!” screeched the whole covey
at a breath.
“It lies,” answered I, “in the _powder magazine_. I will blow this
fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of
Holkar.”
The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in
Holkar’s camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda
whispered in my ear, “Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my
heart’s Goliah!” I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty
times for the luxury of that single moment! “And now, ladies,” said I,
“I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer
professional consolation—the other gentlemen will follow me upstairs to
the ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them.”